that I'm upset friend who miscarried has deleted me from facebook now I'm pregnant?

[Medi1982]

My friend had a miscarriage recently and I organised our friends' to visit and we brought gifts to try and cheer her up. I then unexpectedly found out I was expecting a baby. We've been at some events together where understandably my pregnancy has been like the elephant in the room with it mentioned by friends in whispers when she's not in the room or not at all but she has recently deleted me as a friend on FB. I can understand to an extent but what's upsetting is that she's quite happy to comment on friend's pictures of their babies and children. But the whole time it makes me feel guilty!!

Fluffycloudland77, I'm so sorry!! I'm tearfilled and snotty on your behalf :( Hope things get better for you!xx

My dad's girlfriend flat out ignored me for my entire pregnancy, she had a stillborn ds a few years back so I kind of cut her some slack!

BringmeSunshine "I think women who have had losses, should be a bit better at dealing with others pregnancies."

Do you? Do you really?

I can't even reply to this, its made me so angry. Do you have any idea how stupid and insensitive that sentence is?

I can tell you now that women who have had losses do not want to feel upset by or angry about or resentful of anyone else's pregnancies but sometimes they can't bloody help it even when they try very hard. Feeling these things doesn't mean we blame the person who is pregnant or has a child and it doesn't mean we are jealous either. It's usually a small act of self preservation that still manages to leave the person feeling utterly shit about themselves.

Because if they do feel like this, and not all do, it's part of their grief, and yes it is our problem to deal with but a little understanding and compassion when and if we struggle wouldn't go amiss.

Perhaps people who are not grieving the loss of a child should be a bit better at dealing with the hurt and pain that those who are are suffering. And try to have a bit more empathy and compassion before they start telling us what we should be doing.

Perhaps your friend cannot see you because you say insensitive, selfish and cruel things like that and have no clue as to what she is suffering or the ability to empathise even a little bit.

OP I doubt your friend is rejecting you or your baby but if you are the first person she knows to become pregnant after her miscarriage she may feel a lot of emotion about it that she doesn't know how to deal with. I'm sure she doesn't want to upset you and perhaps she also doesn't want to frighten you by talking about her miscarriage to someone who is pregnant themselves. Her grief will be very raw and painful.

Try not to see this as a rejection or something to be angry about, because the heart of this isn't something that is personal against you.

When I had my miscarriages i just longed to meet someone else who had gone through one as well. It is a very lonely time. All my friend were either pregnant or had just had babies; none had experienced miscarriage and I think that unless you miscarry a longed for baby, you can't really understand what it's like.

YANBU to be upset. Leave her to it as she is obviously going through a very difficult time.

Congratulations!

I wish i was pregnant.

I didn't think it was a competition MaryZ. What a ridiculous comparison! Of course one is worse!

"I think women who have had losses, should be a bit better at dealing with others pregnancies." what a stupid thing to say Bringmesunshine

I agree that "women who have had losses do not want to feel upset by or angry about or resentful of anyone else's pregnancies but sometimes they can't bloody help it even when they try very hard"

I couldn't cope with my emotions when my DSis got PG after I lost DS2, I felt very guilty about it but couldn't be happy for her initially' it took time.

Cut your poor friend some slack.

This is so childish. Talk to her, if she's your friend. Or are all relationships now mediated by status updates on fb. I doubt anyone's all that interested in other people's scan pictures.

I went through a miscarriage about 4 weeks ago and recently unfriended a work colleague on FB who had updated his profile picture to show the scan of his baby. Every time I saw a post from him, it just reminded me of going for my scan and finding my baby had no heartbeat. And yes, i tried to hide his posts first but found they still showed up on my mobile phone friendstream.

I know it is a little bit different as in my situation it wasn't a close friend but please give your friend some time to deal with her grief. Even if you haven't put up anything on FB yet, she is probably pre-empting the scan pictures and status updates. It doesn't mean she no longer wants to be friends with you, just that she needs a bit of time to adjust. And don't be offended if she is fine with other people with babies, I am the same, it is being reminded of pregnancy that is hard. I am finding it getting easier with time so please just give your friend some space and don't take this personally.

It's ok op, it's no ones issue but mine.

Just enjoy your pg. I would never be mean to anyone who gets pg because I wouldnt want them to do it to me.

Better to cry in private than be a bitch in public.

One of my Dh's distant relatives, my sil's sil has had 10 mc and one born way too early to live and it must be agony for her everytime a relative gets pg or a friend gets pg but she doesnt let it show.

How was it in their opinion though LeQueen?

It's great that you were still able to feel happy for your friends, but your experience doesn't negate the one the OP's friend and many others have, where they may still care about their friends and want them to be happy, but simply cannot cope in the way you did while things are still so new and raw.

The OP hasn't been shunned or snubbed, she's been removed on Facebook by a woman who is grieving. I'm sure if you had reacted differently following your loss you would have hoped your friends would care about you and your happiness, and try to be a little understanding and forgiving of reactions like this one.

''BringmeSunshine "I think women who have had losses, should be a bit better at dealing with others pregnancies."'

This comment sounds like it is from someone who has the luxury of never having a loss. I found that this issue was worse after repeated losses, especially later losses but everyone is different. How nice of you to tell us how to act! Hmmm just getting through the day is a nightmare, nevermind being faced with what you have just lost!

I though MaryZ made a fair point actually with the comparison.

'Very hurtful and unnecessary, in my opinion, and pretty self indulgent.'

Nobody chooses to feel this way though, she was probably in extreme emotional pain. I know for me it got worse with repeated loss so I can only imagine IVF and trying for years must be hell.

Op why don't you just call her explain that your not trying to hurt her and your understand if she needs space?

I have been the one that had the miscarriage at the same time a good friend was pregnant. We were due about the same time. She announced her pregnancy to me on the same night out I told her about my miscarriage. It took her until the very end of the night because she was back and forth about whether to say anything. So pleased she did rather than a crappy text later

I did have selfish feelings of jealousy and upset but the inpoirtyanyt thing is that I wasn't shut out of her pregnancy.

I think it is possible your friend is feeling shut out herself if you are all not talking in front of her and texted her rather than telling her face to face. I know you all mean well but it can be very hurtful to the recipient to be excluded in that way when they need their friends the most. This may be why she deleted you.

Those saying she is nasty to delete op are being very harsh. We have no idea of the reasons for it as op hasn't even asked

Op of course you shouldn't feel guilty about being pregnant but you should actually talk to your friend about what she is actually feeling.

I so agree with you Oggy.

ffs, we are not all programmed like bloody stepford wives, we all react differently, thank goodness, to similar situations. there are a few 'perfect' posters on here who didn't have a problem being around other pg women when they had experienced loss, aren't they wonderful, well done to you. however not everyone behaves in the same way. i have known women who could not have any children but you would never know their pain, they would be all over women who were pg or had just had a baby but alone were in a terrible way. personally, i think they would have been better to have avoided the situation of being around pg women to have avoided the most AWFUL pain that followed when they were alone after. one of the posters made a terrific point, look at what you have and look at what your friend doesn't.....somehow i think you are in a better place than her. give her space, it is too painful for her to be around you right now, end of

Have you been in touch to ask why she deleted you? Its a natural question if you're close. I have a friend who deleted me because of mutual friends, then she disappeared, the first thing I did was text a 'u ok?' messgae to her. Heard nothing so got in the car and went to see her.

She was having a really tough time.

She laid low for a while, but we never left out friendship drift. She didn't reply to texts, emails etc., but I kept sending her 'thinking of you' texts... eventually she felt strong again and we're close again.

I think you need to get in touch one way or another and just send her your love.

No, YANBU to be upset on having been deleted by a friend but, as others have said, it would be unreasonable to expect everyone to react in the same way as you feel you would do if the circumstances were reversed.

In a period of 18 months, preceded by 18 months of not being able to conceive, I had numerous miscarriages and a ruptured ectopic. I struggled enormously when it came to being around people whose pregnancies/babies were at the same stage as any of mine 'should' have been. Even harder was being emailed by my SIL, immediately after I'd just had life-saving surgery to resolve the ectopic, to be told that she was expecting a baby with the same EDD as my ectopic :(. At that point I really didn't need to know that, I needed to recover from the surgery, the loss and the dodgy hormones floating around my body.

Thing is, she thought she was doing the right thing because that's what she would have wanted. She didn't know that I'd been told I'd be unlikely to carry another pregnancy to term - why would she? I hadn't processed that myself. Meanwhile, local friends were brilliant at just being there for me; emails, texts, phonecalls and, most importantly, being very upfront about the whole thing and asking if I'd like to talk about my failed pregnancies rather than avoiding talk of babies. When a couple of them got pregnant they rang so I heard it direct and had a chance to opt out of being around them if that's what I needed to do - I didn't. However I was able to explain that whilst I was desperately jealous of their pregnancies I was also thrilled and wanted to celebrate with them as I knew I didn't want to live under the black cloud of doom for evermore.

My feeling about your situation would be to encourage you not to feel guilty about your pregnancy but recognise that your hormonal state may be influencing your reaction to being deleted on FB. Your friend may appreciate a phone call, may prefer a note or an e-mail, something that is more personal than FB and takes more effort. She may not. She is your friend and friendship is about more than FB. Let her know you care and that you'd like to do the right thing by her pregnancy-wise.... it may well be that she wants people to be open about their own pregnancies but, as the pregnant person, it's you who is in the position to do that.

Good luck with your friendship and with your pregnancy.

I think some of you are being very unfair on the OP. She is not comparing her upset at having a friend deleting her on FB to her friend's MC!! She is asking if it is U to be upset that she has potentially lost a friendship. My answer is, yes a little bit U and my advice would be "talk to her". Maybe she (OP's friend) is worried that she'll receive pregnancy update after update. For the friend, it might be easier to control what info she receives in conversation rather than have it splattered across FB.

I agree crashdoll

Also, I can't imagine anything more boring than pregnancy updates and FB is all about attention seeking, IMO

Op I hope you are ok and please don't take some of the unfair posts on here to heart ok! X

Just give it time. My best friend was told while I was pregnant that she would never be able to have children. She was furious with ALL pregnant women - fine with babies and children, but pregnancy did her head in. I was due to go and visit her and she told me on the phone that she wanted to run over every pregnant woman she saw with her bicycle. No, it's not nice, but grief makes you crazy. I didn't visit, we kept in touch and now everything is fine again (she has adopted a wonderful little girl now).

You can't help being pregnant, but at the same time, she can't help the way she feels. Facebook is horrible because she is going to see loads of people posting on your wall being excited about your pregnancy. And that's what she wants and it's a horribly bitter, bitter blow seeing someone else being lauded for something you haven't been able to do. I completely understood how my friend felt because when I had my miscarriage, I was also crazy with grief and did some stuff that in retrospect was a bit bonkers. Good friends understood that though, and stuck by me. The ones that didn't aren't friends any more.