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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I asking too much of a friend by asking her potentially to call the police for me? (DV related)

133 replies

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:28

A few weeks ago, DH beat me. There was a context (a lot a lot of stress with family and health etc - don't want to say more as might 'out' myself here, I'm a regular) but it wasn't the first time. And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors - physically, I'm not able to overpower him. And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault and that nobody would believe me anyway..

I've now decided that, whereas there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did, really, beating me was not acceptable and that people would (I hope) perhaps believe me. And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake. But after he took all the phones, I know that the only means I may have of getting help would be online - DH doesn't use the internet and I don't think it would occur to him to take my laptop as well.

I've got a friend who lives at the other end of the country who has never met DH and whose job means that she is attached to her email and FB pretty much 24/7. I trust her a great deal, though I've not told her what DH did.

Do you think it would be fair to ask that, if I email or FB her to ask (for example) 'has Fido had the puppies yet?' that she calls the police? Or is this simply asking too, too much of a friendship?

OP posts:
chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 12:30

WTF!! Why are you allowing him another chance to do this again? He has held you prisoner!!!! No decent man would ever be provoked to doing this. Get the police involved now!

silverfrog · 10/02/2012 12:31

If she is a good friend, it is not asking too much, imo.

I has a period where I would ask my friend to send me regular text updates (whether that was daily, periodically, or hourly depended on how her then dh was at the time), and I have sat up all night waiting for hourly texts from her - a missed text meant I was to call the police.

I hope you are ok (god, that sound so underwhelmingly futile!). do you have any RL support at all?

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 12:32

Why can't you get to a phone box or walk to the Police station?

Why are your saying you want them involved next time?

How about this time, it's not too late you know?

How do you even know you'd survive if there's a 'next time'? Sad

You really do need to get out of this now and very fast.

Rosa · 10/02/2012 12:33

He has taken all the phones what happens if there was a fire or anything else? You are saying its not the first time . .... he needs help and so do you . Please think carefully - there is no excuse whatsoever for physical abuse in any circumstances.

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 12:33

Honestly even if he was violent as a result of damage- this behaviour is unacceptable! Please don't be another statistic. How many times do you plan to be held prisoner in your own home.

Don't keep his secret- tell your friends and family what he did to you.

porcamiseria · 10/02/2012 12:33

Oh sweet jesus, look you need help, really. you are planning for the next time he beats the shit out of you. I dont know what to say, but please, wait for better advice and get help. and no, YANBU to ask friend. But you seem to think this is a mild issue, its NOT xxx

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 12:34

Violent as a result of brain damage

Original poster
LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:36

I've got the phones back now - it was just whilst he was in the midst of hitting me that he took them.

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm hoping this was a one-off on his part. We all do extreme things in extreme circumstances and I know I'd pushed him to the limit by how stressed I was - I know I'm being vague but am scared to say any more as I've been posting about it a lot under my regular username.

(But just to reassure - I'm not Memoo)

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:36

Are you saying you are a prisoner in your own home and you are never allowed out at all?

M0naLisa · 10/02/2012 12:36

Why not just report now then there wont be a next time!!!!!!!!

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:36

Sorry x posted with you OP! If you have the phones back, ring the police now.

QuintessentialyHollow · 10/02/2012 12:37

No, it is not asking too much. But what if the police dont believe her? They could think it is a hoax and call your mobile, or just ignore it. I think this is a great back up for the next time, provided you have already reported THIS incident so that they have a file and a reason to take such a call seriously.

grobagsforever · 10/02/2012 12:37

Please please get help now. Ask someone, anyone to call the police. And please keep talking to us.

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 12:37

And ask yourself this

If he was beating your children, would you stand by waiting for a next time or would you get them the hell out of there?

It's not fair for your children to have to stand by while their Dad beats their Mum because they physically can't get you the hell out of there.

So if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

Grumpypreggo · 10/02/2012 12:39

You need to get in touch with womens aid or similar and make a safety plan. They have lots of ways of keeping you safe, to the point of providing equipment and means of communication in case of emergancy.

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:39

And sorry to be dramatic but how on earth do you know that you will be in any fit state to go on FB if when it happens again? I DON'T think it's fair to involve a friend like this tbh, if she didn't get the message it would be awful and she'd feel dreadful. YOU ring the police asap, this needs to be stopped. Good luck x

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 12:39

And I would suggest buying a cheap PAYG phone and hiding it

But that would just mean a prolonged life of misery for you and your kids, instead of getting yourselves out today

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 12:40

If you will not go to the police Lauren then please let others that are physically close to you what he did you you.

Don't cover up for his actions. You wouldn't treat your children like this regardless of your stress levels- so why are you accepting it from your partner?

What has he said of the incident afterwards?

Where were your children during this assault?

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:40

grumpys advice sounds good and worra speaks sense. You poor thing Sad

LunaticFringe · 10/02/2012 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 10/02/2012 12:40

you're hoping it was a one off on his part?

but you say in the OP he has DONE IT BEFORE!

he WILL do it again. I know none of us can make you do anything, but I would urge you to at least consider talking to women's aid or something like that and talking it through with other people.

they WILL believe you. and all of us would rather you didn't wait for the next time.

to answer your question however, no, i don't think it would be unreasonable at all to ask a friend to do that for you

Original poster
LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:43

No, he doesn't imprison me - it was only until the next morning that he locked me in.

I can't phone the police now, can I? It was several weeks, there were no witnesses, and I'm covered in bruises from self harm - won't that completely invalidate any allegations I make? I've worked in mental health services in the past, and know how selfharmers tend to be treated as lying manipulative little scrubbers.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/02/2012 12:44

Yes you can call the Police now or any time you wish to report this crime

How old are your children?

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:45

Yes you can go and report a crime after the event, of course you can. You need to do it now.

emsyj · 10/02/2012 12:45

YABVU to not take action now. You have children ffs. It is your responsibility to protect them from this.

YAB naive in the extreme to think this is a 'one-off' - in fact, your OP states that it wasn't the first time.

What help are you actually looking for from your friend? It cannot be as simple as 'call the police' - you could do this right now if you chose to. If you want more help than this, you need to seek it from the services who are able to provide it - Women's Aid and the police.

Bear in mind that if you tell your friend what has happened, she may report it herself to the police and/or social services. Wouldn't it be better to do it yourself right now?

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