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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I asking too much of a friend by asking her potentially to call the police for me? (DV related)

133 replies

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:28

A few weeks ago, DH beat me. There was a context (a lot a lot of stress with family and health etc - don't want to say more as might 'out' myself here, I'm a regular) but it wasn't the first time. And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors - physically, I'm not able to overpower him. And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault and that nobody would believe me anyway..

I've now decided that, whereas there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did, really, beating me was not acceptable and that people would (I hope) perhaps believe me. And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake. But after he took all the phones, I know that the only means I may have of getting help would be online - DH doesn't use the internet and I don't think it would occur to him to take my laptop as well.

I've got a friend who lives at the other end of the country who has never met DH and whose job means that she is attached to her email and FB pretty much 24/7. I trust her a great deal, though I've not told her what DH did.

Do you think it would be fair to ask that, if I email or FB her to ask (for example) 'has Fido had the puppies yet?' that she calls the police? Or is this simply asking too, too much of a friendship?

OP posts:

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:59

"The self harm has NOTHING to do with him beating you - the police won't see your scars and think you deserve to be beaten because you self harm."

Wont they think I was so evil I provoked it?

OP posts:

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:59

So, he has never hurt the kids.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 12:59

Well done lauren you deserve so much better x

DarrowbyEightFive · 10/02/2012 12:59

"I've worked in mental health services in the past, and know how selfharmers tend to be treated as lying manipulative little scrubbers."

Please contact the police and put the wheels in motion for getting this git out of your life.

marthastew · 10/02/2012 12:59

He imprisoned you temporarily then.

As others have said, yes you can report a crime after it has happened. If you call your local police station and ask to speak to their DV Unit there is absolutely no question that they will take you seriously. I know this for a fact.

Try calling Women's Aid. They are very easy to talk and they will take you seriously. They will be able to give you support in taking the next step.

Yes to getting a PAYG phone and hiding it. Yes let your friend know. Let everyone know. But above all go to the police. He is committing a crime.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 10/02/2012 13:00

Of course they would believe you.

The misery you are in, it is no surprise at all that this is one of your ways of coping.

Please, this is out of control. What is it, two women a week are killed by violent partners? This is how it happens.

Your CHILDREN are at serious risk of harm.

Get to the police NOW. Report this. Explain that you have taken this long to get the courage to do so. Ask them to help you and to help you help your children.

You need this man removed from your home.

emsyj · 10/02/2012 13:00

You don't need to do it alone if you have someone who can go with you and help you - do you have a friend or family member who can support you?

Please don't put off taking action because of your self-harm injuries.

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 13:00

Ha! he has done a right number on you my love, no they will NOT think that, not in a million years. Ring now while you are feeling brave x

worldgonecrazy · 10/02/2012 13:01

I don't know much about selfharm, but is the real trigger for self-harming the stress of living with a violent man?

Please try and find the courage to phone someone now, don't let this manipulating premeditating thug (because that is all he is) beat you down even further. Of course it is not your fault, nothing you can do can ever justify someone physically bigger beating you in this manner.

emsyj · 10/02/2012 13:01

"Wont they think I was so evil I provoked it?"

No. No, they won't think that for one second.

blackoutthesun · 10/02/2012 13:01

op - no one is that 'evil' for their OH to beat them

valiumredhead · 10/02/2012 13:01

worm is right - you need to protect yourself and the children.

blondie80 · 10/02/2012 13:02

please ring, nothing to loose, everything to gain.

Tmesis · 10/02/2012 13:02

Look, even if there was an element of provocation and many mitigating factors that would excuse your husband "snapping" and beating you (there, isn't, by the way, but I can see you're at a place in your own head where you're not ready to accept that yet) those would not excuse his taking the phones away and locking the doors. Those aren't the actions of someone who's "snapped", they are the actions of someone who is acting in a thought-out and calculated manner.

bubby64 · 10/02/2012 13:02

Can you contact your GP and talk to them if you are known to him/her to self harm, and your dh condition is also known, at least you can have the GP back you up to say that this is what you said happened if you want to report it to the police,(the GP would prob not commit themselves to stating it def did happen, but at least they can say this could have, due to your dh illness) and there is a chance it will happen again. At least, if it on record, you have more chance of getting help. Also, as someone else has said, get a PAYG phone and keep it safe, you can get one for uner £5. However, my biggest worry is about your DC, My DH did something to me not long ago, and, as I was worried about the possibility of it happening to the children, I chucked him out as a tempory measure, and got us help. If I hadn't have done, and SS became aware, there would have been a problem with them investigating me for not protecting them, and I was scared I would end up with no DH and no DC. Now we have got that help, and things are getting back on track, but, the safety of you and the DC is the biggest issue, rather than looking after your DH.

aldiwhore · 10/02/2012 13:03

Exactly what HillyWallaby said. Also they cannot make a judgement on you based on your scars, they have to follow through with the complaint.

As for doing it on your own. Women's Aid are fantastic, you won't be on your own for long, they will support you, advise you and help you... but you must be open to it, that can only come from you.

If it helps you take action then 'doing it for the kids' maybe a thought worth holding on to for now, I hope that very quickly you start doing it for YOU too, but get the idea that this may be a longer route at present. x

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2012 13:03

"Maybe I'm naive, but I'm hoping this was a one-off on his part. "
But you've already said he's done it before, so this isn't even naivity, it is wilful amnesia.

" And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors "
I'm guessing he did this BEFORE he started (I cannot imagine the scenario of : smack - wanders off to lock door 1 - whack - finds phone 1 and removes - thump - waders off to lock door 2 - etc). So ot only did he beat you up, he PLANNED to beat you up.

Seriously, get out now, by whatever means it takes.

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 13:03

I'm not saying that self harm is common but you are by no means the only person who self harms. It is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact you have done nothing to be ashamed of. The police will just note your self harming down as a fact. I reckon that the police would see your self harm as a symptom of the emotional and mental abuse at the hands of your partner.

Are your children safe?

HillyWallaby · 10/02/2012 13:04

Even if he never lays a finger on the children it is extremely unhealthy and psychologically damaging for them to grow up in an evironment where they witness, or hear (or even just sense) emotional abuse, control, violence, or fear.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 10/02/2012 13:04

He hurts and damages the kids every time he hurts you.

It doesn't matter if in his eyes he loves them to bits and wouldn't lay a finger on them etc. etc.

They will be suffering and hurting, and they live with a violent, cruel, uncontrolled man WHICH MEANS THAT THEY ARE AT RISK.

It'll be too late to do something once the day comes that he does smack one of them flying and their head hits something hard. Thank God that he hasn't yet done that. He will, because abuse always escalates. They're in the firing line, you just don't know when. Get him out now before he injures or kills them.

And before he definitely kills you. Maybe 'by accident', but he will. Two women a week. It's that common. It's men like this doing things like this and then - one punch a bit too hard. It's that easy. And then your kids certainly will suffer once their mum is gone.

Get help now.

YuleingFanjo · 10/02/2012 13:06

if you do not feel strong enough to go to the police now then buy yourself a pay as you go phone and store it somewhere so that you will have a way of contacting the police next time you are in danger.

yanbu to ask a friend to help but it would be an awful pressure on her and she may feel like calling the police for you now. Speaking to someone else about the domestic violence is certainly a very good thing for you to do.

I hope that you manage to get out of this situation. None of this is your fault and there are no reasons why anyone should beat you up. It is not your fault.

bubby64 · 10/02/2012 13:07

If you cant get him out, then get yourself and the DC out, no messing, just do it!

CiderwithBuda · 10/02/2012 13:08

If you think that you would feel better having that in place as a back up then do it. Ask her. At the very least you then have someone in real life who knows what has been going on.

In the meantime think of the following:

He has done this more than once already.

He was calm enough to remove phones and lock you in. That is not flying off the handle. That is cold bloodedly planned.

It was not your fault. No matter how much you pushed him. It was not your fault.

He has now justified to himself that he did this twice and he will say you provoked him. It will take less to provoke him next time. And the time after. And the time after.

Your self harming is a separate issue. But getting away from your DH may help your self esteem and the stresses that cause you do self harm.

You don't have go do anything straight away. Starte by making a plan. Contact your friend. Call WA for advice. Start getting paperwork etc together in case you need to go quickly.

Stop thinking you need to wait till he does this again. Start thinking of a way out. You can do this. For you. And for your children.

GeekCool · 10/02/2012 13:09

Oh OP, he's really got you hasn't he? You are NOT evil. Your self harm does NOT nullify the violence perpetrated against you.

And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault

^ That is not the reasoning of someone who is sorry. That is the excuse of a serial abuser and essentially informing you it will happen again. Because I can guarantee, something else will be your fault too.

Please PLEASE do something now. I agree with the others, the next time you may not come away from this. Please stop listening to him. He is TOXIC.

GeekCool · 10/02/2012 13:10

Because I can guarantee, something else will be your fault too.

Sorry, that should have read: in his mind, something else will be your fault too.

Obviously you are not responsible for his violence and abuse

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