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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I asking too much of a friend by asking her potentially to call the police for me? (DV related)

133 replies

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:28

A few weeks ago, DH beat me. There was a context (a lot a lot of stress with family and health etc - don't want to say more as might 'out' myself here, I'm a regular) but it wasn't the first time. And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors - physically, I'm not able to overpower him. And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault and that nobody would believe me anyway..

I've now decided that, whereas there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did, really, beating me was not acceptable and that people would (I hope) perhaps believe me. And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake. But after he took all the phones, I know that the only means I may have of getting help would be online - DH doesn't use the internet and I don't think it would occur to him to take my laptop as well.

I've got a friend who lives at the other end of the country who has never met DH and whose job means that she is attached to her email and FB pretty much 24/7. I trust her a great deal, though I've not told her what DH did.

Do you think it would be fair to ask that, if I email or FB her to ask (for example) 'has Fido had the puppies yet?' that she calls the police? Or is this simply asking too, too much of a friendship?

OP posts:

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 13:11

Please let today be the day that your life changes for the better. You can take control of this situation.

altinkum · 10/02/2012 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McHappyPants2012 · 10/02/2012 13:11

Stabs up to this bully, get yourself and the children out of there.

You can get benefits, help with rehousing and also grants to set up a new home.

You have self harmed in the past, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be a human punch bag. I find DV cases sick to my stomach let alone this case where you are trying to piece a life together.

You deserve better with a relationship with a man who loves you, makes you happy and safe...... Not some low life thug who makes you depressed and scared

McHappyPants2012 · 10/02/2012 13:12

Stand not stab

HillyWallaby · 10/02/2012 13:13

In fact, I'd say buy one of those emergency beeper things that elderly people have if they fall - do they connect to 999? Wear it or keep it in a pocket at all times, but make sure he can't see it.

Actually though, I'd rather you just left him.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 10/02/2012 13:14

I hope you call Woman's Aid and the police OP.But also, please do contact your friend and ask for her help. She would want to know and that sort of thing can save your life even if you have left him.

You haven't provoked it, haven't deserved it and are not evil. The only person to blame is him.

You are not the only victim, so are your children. Even if he isn't hurting them, he is teaching them that it is okay to beat up someone you are supposed to love.

Do you want your sons to grow up thinking they can beat their wives? Or your daughters to think if they are assaulted then they are to blame, and to stay with someone who will do it to them over and over again? I really don't think you do, but that's what this situation is teaching them.

And do you want them to grow up without you, because your husband has killed you? Again, I don't think so.

So please, please, get help. He locked you in, hid the phones, beat you up and kept you prisoner, even if it was only overnight.

Abusers control victims by telling them they won't be believed. But someone WILL believe you so please talk to someone who can help you.

I really hope you will be alright.

altinkum · 10/02/2012 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore · 10/02/2012 13:18

I think those ones come via SS Hilly and when pressed your instantly connected to an operator (they're connected to the phone) which comes on the loud speaker. At least my FILs is (he keeps pressing it, and then unplugging the phone completely).

I wonder if there's something similar that's more suited (and discreet) on the open market. I know you can have panic buttons fitted that are more like a remote alarm, but not sure you can buy them?

Lauren one thing I will say regarding you worrying that weeks have passed since it happened, don't worry about that. The police generally acknowledge that it often takes a while to find the courage/opportunity to make a complaint. Unfortunately from an evidence PoV it makes things difficult for prosecution, but it will be recorded and you'll still be in a stronger position than you are now.

Scheherezade · 10/02/2012 13:20

Self harm is very, very common in women who have suffered DV. They are being told so much negative stuff about themself, they feel like crap.... It's very common, and wouldn't affect how the police treated you.

Pandemoniaa · 10/02/2012 13:24

By beating you he is harming your dcs. Also, of course you were imprisoned if he locked you in for the night.

Nobody will judge you for self-harming. But consider, for a minute, how you would ever forgive yourself if he did hit the children. Would you be giving him a second chance? Or trying to justify it by saying they were provocative? I'm sure you wouldn't and I'm equally sure you'd be out of the door with your dcs as fast as your feet would carry you.

So treat yourself with the same respect and regard for safety. I hope you've contacted Womens' Aid by now and have had some sound advice about protecting yourself from future attacks by leaving this man. If there is a next time (and I'm certain that there will be) you won't be able to protect your children if he kills you. Let alone yourself.

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 13:25

How wrong is your partner lauren?

We don't know you, we haven't met you, we are not the police and we believe you.

WilsonFrickett · 10/02/2012 13:29

He's good, I'll give him that.

You believe its your fault the person who is supposed to love you hid all the phones and locked the doors before kicking the shit out of you.

You believe that you are so evil that you provoked a person bigger and stronger than you to beat the shit out of you.

You believe that your helplessness and anger at living with a person who hates you so much he will beat fuck out of you, which has made you turn to self-harming, proves that YOU are evil instead of HIM.

Who have you beaten today OP, apart from yourself?

Get to the police now before he kills you.

If you can't do it yourself, contact Women's aid or refuge.

If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your kids.

but know that you are not the evil one here.

Inertia · 10/02/2012 13:34

It's encouraging that you have taken on board the fact that you need to take action to protect yourself against your husband, who would appear to have committed at least 3 criminal acts against you. But this plan isn't the way forward.

Because next time, he might well take the laptop, or your friend could be offline. Next time, you might be unconscious, or so badly beaten you can't move or speak, or worse. A man who imprisoned you overnight would probably have no compunction in rendering you completely immobile. And who knows what he'd do to the children - he might not hurt them, but there'd be nothing to stop him taking them from you.

This does sound like scaremongering, and I'm sorry . But the consequences of your husband continuing to abuse you in this way are far greater than a police doctor knowing that you self harm.

His actions are not a stress over-reaction. It was deliberate and planned, he fully intended to punish, humiliate and terrify you, and he is still intimidating you to keep you quiet.

Please speak to Women's Aid, and the police. It's the job of the police to investigate the crimes your husband has committed.

HillyWallaby · 10/02/2012 13:36

Look, I am sure you ae not in any way to blame whatsoever - but even if you are an evil cow who provokes and pushes and says cruel spiteful emotionally abusive things, and even if hitting you is they only way he is capable of responding, so what?

It is not an excuse or a justification to allow the set-up to continue. It is damaging for the children and ultimately you could end up dead.

pranma · 10/02/2012 13:38

Buy a cheap payg mobile phone and hide it somewhere so you can ring the police.You should not stay with this man-go as soon as you can with your dc.

Rhinestone · 10/02/2012 13:43

"...there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did..."

But he didn't just 'snap' - although it would still be completely wrong if he did.

This was premeditated - he took the phones and locked the doors. You are in great great danger - please ring the police / Women's Aid / get the hell away from this maniac. Your life is at risk.

shesparkles · 10/02/2012 13:45

Yanbu at all. As a police dispatcher please be assured that we take ALL reports of dv seriously, and it's actually quite common for someone else to call in on a victim's behalf. Take care x

nickelDorritt · 10/02/2012 13:47

It's not a one-off.
even if he hadn't done it before.

And it certainly wasn't anything to do with you provoking him!

Did you notice what you wrote?
"he only took the phones away while he was hitting me"
and
"it was only until the next morning that he locked me in"

so, basically, he was so in control of what he was doing that he took steps while he was beating the shit out of you to make sure that you couldn't get away or phone anyone to help you.
He knew what he was doing - it wasn't a provoked attack, and it wasn't an automatic reaction.

Someone who can be that premeditated is capable of killing you.

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 13:49

OK. I've got an appointment with a local abuse service next week.

MIL is staying (pre-planned, just by chance) until then.I am 99% sure that DH would do nothing in front of her, but I know that if he did, she would ring the police without me even having to ask.

And I've found also an old PAYG sim in a drawer. I've got to head out to pick up a prescription and will buy a cheap handset and keep it in my pocket.

Thanks for your support.

OP posts:

GeekCool · 10/02/2012 13:58

Well done OP. I hope this is the start of a road to recovery and happiness for you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/02/2012 14:02

He has already discounted his own behaviour as justified and reasonable by blaming on you therefore he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

This isn't you fault, I don't care if you were jumping up and down on is phone/ipod etc whilst calling him a cunt that still wouldn't justify how he behaved. He imprisoned you and removed your means of getting help in order to give you a beating - that is not a spur of the moment hot headed response - that is a cold calculated vicious bullying response.

Please, please get yourself and your children out of there as soon as possible. And do report it to the police and get it on file that this happened. I have little doubt in my mind that he will do this again.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/02/2012 14:04

x-post
Glad to hear you are getting some help with this.

I know to carry on functioning you have probably pushed the whole incident to the back of your mind as much as you can but when you speak to the abuse service don't minimise or excuse it just tell them what happened and how you really felt.

Take care.

chunkythighs · 10/02/2012 14:08

Brilliant! You are taking back control and I hope that you are feeling strong as a result. I'm proud of you.

None of this is your fault but you can escape.

nickelDorritt · 10/02/2012 14:09

good.

best of luck xx

McHappyPants2012 · 10/02/2012 14:13

Good luck and best wishes xxxxx

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