Am I asking too much of a friend by asking her potentially to call the police for me? (DV related)

[LaurenIpsum]

A few weeks ago, DH beat me. There was a context (a lot a lot of stress with family and health etc - don't want to say more as might 'out' myself here, I'm a regular) but it wasn't the first time. And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors - physically, I'm not able to overpower him. And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault and that nobody would believe me anyway..

I've now decided that, whereas there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did, really, beating me was not acceptable and that people would (I hope) perhaps believe me. And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake. But after he took all the phones, I know that the only means I may have of getting help would be online - DH doesn't use the internet and I don't think it would occur to him to take my laptop as well.

I've got a friend who lives at the other end of the country who has never met DH and whose job means that she is attached to her email and FB pretty much 24/7. I trust her a great deal, though I've not told her what DH did.

Do you think it would be fair to ask that, if I email or FB her to ask (for example) 'has Fido had the puppies yet?' that she calls the police? Or is this simply asking too, too much of a friendship?

YANBU ? at the very least do this!

Why do you qualify your post with for ?for your dc?s sake? ? it?s worrying you don?t feel you can expect or deserve help in your own right. Don?t make plans for next time it happens get help now.

You said but it wasn't the first time. and also Maybe I'm naive, but I'm hoping this was a one-off on his part

It wont be a one off - and I think you know that. You need to leave this relationship now before both your health, looks and self-esteem are destroyed by this man. Obviously this is easier said than done but you are already starting to come out with the classic "I provoked him" mantra that women in abusive relationships often say. This is wrong - nothing justifies domestic violence.

What is your relationship like generally? Domestic violence is all about control and can involve physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse.

Of course you can call the police now!

I'd seccond the posters who have suggested calling Refuge/Women's Aid/etc.

Pack a bag, a few essentials for you and dc and leave.

Go to a refuge, a family members or friends.

Call the police, tell them what has happened.

Get a restraining/non-molestation order.

Start a new life without fear of being beaten. Your children need their mother. Next time you might not survive.

What your husband did to you was wrong. It was not your fault in anyway.

I hope you are ok. x

"If it happens again"?

Don't you mean "when it happens again"?

Maybe next time you won't be able to contact your friend at all because he'll have beaten you unconscious, or dead.

Why take the chance?

I cant tell you to leave him That is up to you , you are excusing his behaviour there is no excuse for beating somebody and taking your phones and leaving you helpless , However if you think your friend is the safest person to help you then do it IF it happens again then get in touch with her ask her to contact the DV unit at YOUR police station of course they will believe her ,

sorry op but its sounds like a silly plan

what makes you think you'll be able to get on fb next time he does it?

But what if they see my self harming scars?

and none of it is your fault he cant control himself its HIS fault

I've been there and understand that you want to be absolutely sure you've done everything on your part to stop it happening again, and that you try and understand why, and because you love him you want to accept that you provoked him, and that the thought of getting police involved and leaving seems so dramatic.... and all the other things a person does to try and make it better (because going to the police, leaving etc., feels like its going to make things worse).

Its all bollocks Lauren believe that.

There is no provocation or stress in this world that makes it acceptable to beat someone, deny them chance to escape or keep them under house arrest. You may understand why, but that does not justify the action. You need to get ANGRY. You need to get angry and develop the mind set of "How dare he do that".

I cannot tell you what to do, you won't do anything until you believe that no matter how much you pushed his buttons his behaviour was unacceptable... he always had the choice to walk away, hit a wall, but he chose to hit you.

There is time for compassion when you're safely away from him, when he's paying the price of his actions, you cannot afford to be compassionate and forgiving now.

I don't think YABU to involve your friend, this is what friends are for, the rough and the smooth. YABU to wait until next time. If you can, plan your escape now, make that your priority, for your children if you don't feel worth it yourself (you will do one day I promise). I would recommend turning the pc off and leaving now, with nothing but the clothes on your back - you would survive - but also understand the reality, the massive challenge that is.

My DV happened years ago, over a period of 5 years. I justified it, forgave, had compassion, empathy, I blamed myself for pushing his buttons... it is all bollocks. It has taken me a long time to believe it was. I'm now in a loving relationship with a decent human being, I push his buttons, I'm unfraid to speak, we row, and in 13 years he's never touched me. He's not a saint, he's NORMAL. The situation you are now in isn't and cannot be justified, even if you feel you can understand it.

Would the police not arrest him as there are kids involved, the SS would be contacted too, I'm not sure the OP would have to leave the house - unless she wants to.

And as someone else said

Even if you are (somehow) able to recover from the next beating enough to open your laptop and log into Facebook without him catching you, how do you know that'll be the exact same time your friend happens to log in?

Meanwhile, what if you were beaten unconcious and he's left alone in a rage with the kids?

What then?

So let me get this right:

Your husband beat you up, not for the first time, and he actually went as far as removing all the phones within your reach first, so that he could beat you in peace without a risk of you calling for help?

Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is NOT a man who was pushed to the limit by your 'stressing' (whatever that means) this is a vile, revolting bully who is getting a kick out of premeditated violence. He is someone who has thought about the consequences and is doing it anyway. But only after protecting himself.

And as for your original question about your (totally inadequate) plan with the friend and the internet, well I don't even know how to respond to that. can't you see how utterly, utterly WRONG everything about that plan is?

But what if they see my self harming scars?

Then you can mention you're also a self harmer

ALSO being the operative word.

You say you worked in mental health, so you'll know it's widely understood that people have reasons for self harming.

You say your friend is glued to FB. Presumably she sleeps, showers, occasionally drives somewhere?
This is not an option, really. You need to do something about it now so it can't happen again.
What are your reasons for not leaving him?

Point taken. So really, I need to do this on my own?

But what about the self harm injuries? Would anyone who saw them believe me?

yes you need to and can go and report this to polcie now.
that way when your friend calls and gives address (and YES it is agood idea , i was also todl to tell neighbours etc so if they ehard noise they should call 999)

they will know it is urgent.

you shoudl of course be leaving already but if you cant/wont then at th elast go report this incident and yes give code words to your friend(s) and tell them it is serious

but as was said what if you beaten up so you literally cant type?

Op are you scared something will happen to your children if you report this ? many women are scared of people finding out about DV because they are frightened the children will be take away , please dont think this

0808 2000 247 - woman's aid

The self harm has NOTHING to do with him beating you - the police won't see your scars and think you deserve to be beaten because you self harm.

I'll ring Women's Aid.

go to your gp who knows abou your history and tell all.
ask for referral to right services
call womens aid
call local womens services
speak to rl people who can help you and dc

If they see your self-harming scars (which I imagine look every different in nature to scarring that has been randomly inflicted by someone else) they will say 'Oh dear. Here is a woman who is feels so unhappy and powerless, and is terrified of her husband that she is self harming.'

They won't say 'Hmm - she's says that her husband gave her the balck eyes and the bruised ribs, but as she cuts uniform slashes on her thighs (or whatever) how can we be sure that she hasn't kicked her own ribs in?'

They will be able to tell the difference.

The SS will want HIM away from the kids I would imagine not you OP. HAs he ever hit them?