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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I asking too much of a friend by asking her potentially to call the police for me? (DV related)

133 replies

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 12:28

A few weeks ago, DH beat me. There was a context (a lot a lot of stress with family and health etc - don't want to say more as might 'out' myself here, I'm a regular) but it wasn't the first time. And whilst he was doing it he took all the phones away and locked all the doors - physically, I'm not able to overpower him. And he's been telling me continually since that it was all my fault and that nobody would believe me anyway..

I've now decided that, whereas there was certainly an element of provocation and many mitigating factors to explain why DH snapped as he did, really, beating me was not acceptable and that people would (I hope) perhaps believe me. And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake. But after he took all the phones, I know that the only means I may have of getting help would be online - DH doesn't use the internet and I don't think it would occur to him to take my laptop as well.

I've got a friend who lives at the other end of the country who has never met DH and whose job means that she is attached to her email and FB pretty much 24/7. I trust her a great deal, though I've not told her what DH did.

Do you think it would be fair to ask that, if I email or FB her to ask (for example) 'has Fido had the puppies yet?' that she calls the police? Or is this simply asking too, too much of a friendship?

OP posts:

Scheherezade · 10/02/2012 14:15

Well done OP, that takes a lot of courage.

He locked the doors so you couldn't escape, and took away the phones so you couldn't call for help. He didn't snap, that is cold, calculating and viscous. It will happen again, unless you stop it.

PosiePumblechook · 10/02/2012 14:17

Wow. Whilst he beat you he was in control enough to take all phones away?????

Fucking hell OP....Did you read your own OP?

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 14:23

Yes, I now realise IWBVU.

I'm not going to ask this friend. But I do know that, if I needed her via FB in an emergency, she would be able to get help to me if she was online.

OP posts:

nickelDorritt · 10/02/2012 14:29

you should still tell her though - emotional support and someone who knows what you're going through.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/02/2012 14:29

Lauren - If you can safely get a copy of this book
Lundy Bancroft

It might give you an insight into your DH's (scary) thought processess.

Do not let your DH read the book, its your information and knowledge and showing bits of it to him to try to convince him will not work.

Lueji · 10/02/2012 14:33

You need to leave, preferably while MIL is there and tell her why.

Do not keep quiet about it. That's what he wants.

As others said his actions were calculating and cold.

He is not even sorry about it. It will only get worse. He has beaten you and he knows you have continued being with him.

MMMarmite · 10/02/2012 14:38

You weren't being unreasonable. You should use every line of help possible, including your friend if you don't feel able to leave straight away.

You are not evil, he is the abuser. You said in your OP "And I've decided that, if it happens again, I do want the police involved - not do much for me but for the DCs sake." Despite how much your husband has messed with your thoughts and destroyed your self-esteem, you are still trying to change things for the better for your DCs. This proves that you're extremely brave and a good person.

Please keep asking for help, you deserve a safe and happy life with your children.

CardyMow · 10/02/2012 14:40

PLEASE make plans to get away from this man. PLEASE don't end up like my friend, who justified staying by telling herself it was better for her dc. It wasn't. They ended up without their mother, because their father stabbed her to death in front of them. They also ended up being split between various family members rather than living together.

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 14:52

I will make plans. But I know that I need to find more support here first before I think about leaving. The health problems I have mean that I would be unable to look after the DCs as a lone parent (cant elaborate without revealing who I am) so if I left now the DCs would probably go into initially care and then ultimately be placed back with DH. I'd need to work out how I could convince SS that I can care for them without him.

OP posts:

kelly2525 · 10/02/2012 14:53

OP You need to phone the police today, you have to get him out or leave, and like someone else said, don`t cover up for him in front of your mother in law.

My first thought when I read youre first post was, he will do it again, and what if he beats you to death, or disables you to the point you cant look after your kids?

He sounds rotten to the core, he imprisoned you, and cut off contact with the outside world so he could beat you up knowing you were powerless to get help.

Dont leave it until next week, do something now, you don`t deserve to live like this.

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 14:58

Honestly, I think the kids would end up in care if I did something now.

Half of my caseload as an MH worker was of kids who'd been abused in emeregncy short-term FC. I know there are some brilliant carers out there, but I honestly think they would be safer at home with MIL here.

OP posts:

OffMeTrolley · 10/02/2012 15:00

You could email the police yourself, or samaritans

Original poster

LaurenIpsum · 10/02/2012 15:01

How do you email 999?

OP posts:

rosie1977 · 10/02/2012 15:03

Being hit is always a one off until they do it again and again, we always make excuses for their behaviour.

Please get the help you need now. You really dont need to be hurt physically and your children really dont need to see it or hear it. Of course we always think the kids dont know whats going on but they do and they know more than we think they do.

Be strong and get help now. And if you need someone to call the police i would do it in a heartbeat if it meant you didnt get hurt again.

Plomino · 10/02/2012 15:09

Lauren, if you're going to speak to the police, ask them what they can do for you with regards to a panic alarm . Depending on where you are in the country, and certainly in London, they will install a panic alarm that connects directly either to the police radio network , or a national monitoring centre that's open 24/7 . It doesn't take long to put in, and he needn't even know it's there . All you would have to do is press the button, and your address is instantly identifiable. Sorting these out for people is part of my job. And if you do report it, you will be treated exactly the same as any other victim, regardless of self harming. It doesn't make you any less of a victim, or undeserving of any help .

I too think you should get out . But real life has showed me that it isn't always as easy as that. So sort out an exit plan (sharp ish) and in the meantime get the police involved. What about your neighbours? Would they call ? Because much as you may not know them, or want to tell them, I'd bet they already have a clue . In my experience , neighbours have always been more than happy to ring on another's behalf . In fact , I have actually been known to ask the neighbours to do so at a victim's request, because it helped her as she was unable to ask in person (too embarrassed )

Good luck.

ChitChatFlyingby · 10/02/2012 15:16

Lauren - do you have epilepsy?

MissKittyMiddleton · 10/02/2012 15:31

Well I believe you. I believe anybody who tells me they have been beaten.

It would take a lot of evidence to persuade me otherwise.

HillyWallaby · 10/02/2012 15:33

I think telling your MIL and then telling him you want him to leave while she is there is a very good idea. He will be less likely to make a fuss or try to deny it if he knows she knows.

dutchyoriginal · 10/02/2012 15:35

can your friend be a part of your escape plan -> make plans for yourself, but ask her as well, as a backup plan?

dandelionss · 10/02/2012 15:41

FreudianSlipper · 10/02/2012 15:42

if you are not ready to go to the police if you can work online without him knowing please please go on this website there is a programme on there to help you understand what is happening and how to get out safely as it will happen again and it will have an effect on your children

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

there is no excuse for what he has done you need to come to terms with what is going on and that is he is abusive through his choosing to be

and no it is not to much to ask of a friend not at all

OffMeTrolley · 10/02/2012 15:46

I suspect she won't be calling anyone for help

Hopefully the kids won't be too damaged

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 10/02/2012 16:12

I think I know who you are too :(

You need to leave. You need to have left 6 months ago, if not longer :(

cestlavielife · 10/02/2012 16:18

SS can help you to care for the DC by providng the help you need in your home.

they wont put Dc in foster care unless you really really cannot care for them or would be neglectful of them. if you need a personal assistant to help you you can get funding for that. or have live in au pair or community service volunteer. there are ways round and disability or need you have.

.
staying with someone violent isnt going to do you or dc any good long term.

telling your MIL you plannig to leave might not be good idea if she thinks her son is god (as some mothers do) . but having her there as protection is good idea.

FreudianSlipper · 10/02/2012 16:18

i beleive she will be seeking help, she is already by coming on here so lets all support her and not be negative it is the last thing she needs from us

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