to make sure I don't say/do these things to friend with newborn (lighthearted but true!)

[Newmummytobe79]

I have a young baby - so far from an expert - but just can't believe some of the things that were said/done to me with my newborn.

I'm going to see my friends baby and will make sure I don't come out with any stupid comments although I probably will!

So let me know your corkers!

Here are a few of mine (think week old baby):

(sitting down on sofa) Mines tea with two - not too strong mind

(Flicking through diary) - so when are we going on the piss?

(young family member) - so do you think you'll EVER wear make-up again?

So when are you going back to work?

So when do you think you'll have another?

Oh I can sympathise with the lack of sleep - our neighbours car alarm went off again at 5am!

Enjoy this time - they just get more demanding (do NOT need to hear this now thanks)

Now remember what we said about resting and saying no to visitors - same time again tomorrow?

(when baby turns head to visitors chest) ooh I'm sorry, no milk in there! (wrong, wrong wrong!)

(After spending two hours feeding and settling baby) So, shall we take baby out now so you can get on with some ironing? (aaaaaaaaahhhh! and bring baby back screaming and ready for next feed? Can't wait!)

(Every 5 minutes) Yes, it's wind. Must be wind. Have you got wind baby? Aw nasty wind!

I never slept when baby slept - it just makes you feel like a lazy slob doesn't it?

It's amazing how you just forget the birth isnt it? No. I'm scarred for life. Literally.

I think I can laugh now... just.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I have now decided to cancel all visitors till he is about five. Or eleven. Sympathies, OP.

Oh HardCheese - I'm so sorry! But good idea re visitors until 11

On the up side - when baby arrives you'll stop getting all the crap pregnancy advice

Nothing new to add but I hated the cup of tea demands from all the visitors! DH and I felt like waiters half the time
'So that's white with one sugar for you Wendy, white no sugar for you Honour, coffee one sugar for you Keith, black coffee no sugar for you Toby...aaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!

This time I shall remain sat on my fat arse and if anyone wants a cup of something then I may raise enough energy to point them in the direction of the kitchen (pointing out what the sink is used for afterwards )

At least now I know to refuse offers of drinks from frazzled friends and relatives whos new baby I've come to see (or better still make them a drink)

Um, none of those (except for the sleep one ...) actually sound that bad. Very difficult to know how to treat a new mum IMO. The ones you've listed are a mixture of trying to treat you like the normal person you are, trying to be empathetic, and talking to baby in silly voice (actually that is annoying as well).

People are just generally making conversation however inane. The brewing up thing is annoying though. Otherwise I think you're a bit tired and oversensitive, most of us have been there

(when baby turns head to visitors chest) ooh I'm sorry, no milk in there! (wrong, wrong wrong!)

What's so wrong about that? All babies seem to 'root' to me their mums and dads have always made a joke of it before me :-/

Both of mine arrived prematurely. I had people say to me "at least you got to meet them early" I just thought ' you're a cunt'. I really wouldn't recommend saying that. Or at least you didn't get stretch marks.. Do not say that.

Haha. Love this. If there's a 'next time' I'm going to put a sign on the front door saying 'no entry without cake' and arrows throughout the house pointing to the kitchen. With my first visitors I felt like shouting: "I had a 20 hour labour followed by major surgery YESTERDAY and now I have a newborn attached to my boob and you want me to make you tea?" Instead I politely said: "Make yourself at home" (translation: make your own bloody tea!)

Good idea Poultry :)

Redsky - I was borderline PND for 12 weeks so I got still do wound up easily. Car alarm just made me want to laugh cry out loud!

StrandedBear - oh I can't wait! Weaning soon and been told to cut a whole in the teat and shove biscuits in! What!?!

After a 3 day labour and a further 4 day stay in hospital, we got home and DH's cousin was literally on the doorstep, it was 8pm and I hadnt slept for more than a few hours in a week.

Over the next 2 weeks, I had the following:

'So, how much weight did you put on then?'
'Have you started exercising yet?'
'I think she needs hungry baby milk' (my mother seesm obsessed with the stuff)
'When are you going back to work'
'You look rough, you need more sleep you do' - No shit Sherlock!
'You look a bit pale, are you still bleeding'
'Baby looks nothing like you does she'
'Did you have any stitches?'
'Is she a good bay' - No, she's Medusa reborn actually

oh the wind one is irritating. Dd is nearly 6 mo and there's one relative who is still determined she has bad wind. Since about 2 weeks old if held upright her wind just comes up. Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh. Drives me batty!

(Oh, and StrandedBear is right... it just gets more annoying better)

I don't understand the 'no milk in there' one either. What's wrong with that?

Agree with most though.

Glad I've stirred those wonderful awful! memories!

Need a giggle on a Friday.

And the milk? It's probably because I heard it SO often that I actually had a dream nightmare that my MIL was breastfeeding my baby. That's why I remember that one so well!

Actually I have thought of another one

My lovely but rather inappropriate friend visited at the same time as my Dad. She said to me
'Hows your felula? Is it all sore and baggy?'
(Dad spits his tea out mid sip) I say
'actually I'd rather not discuss that infront of my poor Dad' she says
'Oh, of course not...So have you had your first poo yet? Bet it really hurt!'
(Dad leaves room discreetly...)

"Newborns are EASY... just you wait til he's a toddler... teenager..."

(To the perfectly content but moving baby) "Aw you're too cold/too hot/hungry aren't you"

I think it is fascinating in a way to remember how as a new mother I'd only known my babies a matter of days but I already knew when other people were WRONG.

OMG I hate people turning up and having to make drinks etc. My auntie was the perfect guest, she bought flowers with a vase to put them in and loads of biscuits!

My SIL also turned up with her 3 kids, so they and my boys trashed the playroom and then she left and I had to fucking tidy it all up. I was so angry!

"What do you do all day?"

You could take the approach my DH did, which was to describe childbirth in such graphic detail that guests just suddenly stop arriving

The cup of tea one is a corker . I'd like to see someone try that after I've given birth

My entire bunch of in laws turned up the day after me & DD were discharged, sat on the sofa's left no room for me to sit down & asked if I was brewing up. I said "DH will do it when he gets back" (he'd nipped out to the shop I think). 5 minutes later he walked in to complaints that I hadn't even put the kettle on...
I had to sit on the hearth while they all cood over DD, poking her till she woke up so they could pass her round & comment on her size, hair colour etc.
They even stayed through my doctor's visit & MIL started trying to talk to him about her health problems!
Think I was too shellshocked to say anything at the time, this time will be different.

I absolutely loathed the comments like, "Oooh, DD is asleep, you should make sure you sleep too". Thanks, that has occured to me, but I am prevented from doing so because you're visiting!

And my DH's SIL who berated me for making a cake 4 days after DD was born by EMCS. So I didnt offer her any.

Brilliant! I'm 38 weeks now and posting between contractions so that gave me a giggle!
Had a phonecall from cousin yesterday telling me that as soon as I'm in labour they'll be coming to the hospital (we live nearly 3 hours away) to wait for baby, the entire family will be camping out at a nearby hotel until I'm home and then will be coming to stay with us for a couple of weeks. My response was barely polite.

I think I do 'barely polite' very well Planning on honing my skills in the weeks to come, especially where my own family is concerned (my inlaws are great ) mummmymccar can you not just tell them the address of a different hospital

Oh, and when the midwife came to do one of the post-natal checks and asks how my nipples are and can she see them. MIL and FIL sat there utterly unaware that perhaps they should make themselves scarce for that one?

I'd already had a couple of "well, of course we didnt get to meet DD first or have the first GP cuddles" (was quite a traumatic section and it was clearly annoying to them that my mum had been on the scene quite a lot) so was feeling unable to obviously exclude them. Midwife must have seen it all before as she ordered them out though!