to make sure I don't say/do these things to friend with newborn (lighthearted but true!)

[Newmummytobe79]

I have a young baby - so far from an expert - but just can't believe some of the things that were said/done to me with my newborn.

I'm going to see my friends baby and will make sure I don't come out with any stupid comments although I probably will!

So let me know your corkers!

Here are a few of mine (think week old baby):

(sitting down on sofa) Mines tea with two - not too strong mind

(Flicking through diary) - so when are we going on the piss?

(young family member) - so do you think you'll EVER wear make-up again?

So when are you going back to work?

So when do you think you'll have another?

Oh I can sympathise with the lack of sleep - our neighbours car alarm went off again at 5am!

Enjoy this time - they just get more demanding (do NOT need to hear this now thanks)

Now remember what we said about resting and saying no to visitors - same time again tomorrow?

(when baby turns head to visitors chest) ooh I'm sorry, no milk in there! (wrong, wrong wrong!)

(After spending two hours feeding and settling baby) So, shall we take baby out now so you can get on with some ironing? (aaaaaaaaahhhh! and bring baby back screaming and ready for next feed? Can't wait!)

(Every 5 minutes) Yes, it's wind. Must be wind. Have you got wind baby? Aw nasty wind!

I never slept when baby slept - it just makes you feel like a lazy slob doesn't it?

It's amazing how you just forget the birth isnt it? No. I'm scarred for life. Literally.

I think I can laugh now... just.

"Now I would never interfere but just be aware that if a baby does not get enough stimulation it can be very bad for them, they have been known to die"
same person (my MIL) a week or so later
"Now I try to avoid giving advice to new mothers but little babies mustn't be overstimulated so I'd advise wearing a white apron all the time at home and not having too much colour around as it has been known for overstimulated babies to die."
Woman on bus (in Paris) - "I don't want to interfere but I am an expert because blah blah blah but I would suggest putting x piece of clothing on your dd (I can't even remember what the non-essential item was). You can take or leave my advice but babies have been known to die without the correct clothing."
What is it with people - new, hormonal mother busting a gut every second to do the "right" thing for her dc1 does not need (crap) advice delivered with the veiled threat that the baby might die if the adivce is not taken. I was polite at the time, with hindsight I should have told them where to stick it.

On arriving home with new baby, plus 2 older siblings of 2 and 4, we were met at the door by my db sil nephew. My parent and my grandma plus the midwife!
12 bodies in total.
12!!
And the final l straw was my mum asking.........For

'where do you keep your best China?'

Was struggling to cope with the shock and worry of premature twins / guilt of not being able to stop the labour - comments like

"I'm almost sure its nothing you did,"

Looking after teeny tiny twins on my own all day "Oh but at least you're relaxing all day, poor X (husband) is at work"

Desperately trying to breastfeed twins "Are you sure they're getting enough? They seem hungry to me? Are you sure you don't to give them a bottle?"

People giving them a cuddle "ooh, isn't he light?" Yes, he was 3 months early - what do you expect??!

And the worst comment ever - still grates (a friend of a friend I met 2 or 3 weeks after they came home) "Oh my god, twins?! What did you do when you found out? I'd have been mortified, my absolute worst nightmare. Oh poor you!" I still regret not slapping her on the spot!!!

The very best visitor ever would turn up with food, biscuits, help themselves, and then LEAVE. Short visits in the early days.

Have been told by a friend who had a baby before I had DD, that my first visit was the best visit! I turned up with a meal for her to bung in the oven that night and stayed for about 15 mins while holding the newborn so she could shovel in food like no tomorrow because she was finally off the sofa eat some cake.

She did the same for me when I had DD, then I did the same again when she had her next DC.

These have made me laugh and brought back cheerful and angry memories! My MIL came to visit 2 weeks after DS1 was born. Not only did she insist on getting the train so DH had to take an hours drive to pick her up, but then sat there for 4 days reading a book. I was a hormonal mess, until the midwife came to examine my stitches, sternly took control and said to her, unless you want to see where DS came from I suggest you leave the room and make poor Domestic a cup of tea. I fell in love with my MW from that moment!!

I had two days of labour from hell, got home early afternoon to a stream of visitors who all wanted to take photos of new "mummy and baby together, cos thats when you look your best
one of dh friends brought wine and fags when dd1 was a week old and I coiuld have married him on the spot

I just read the first few posts and noticed the obsession with wind. My mum once blamed my 2 year old son's toddler meltdown on wind!

I used to think that whatever people 'diagnosed' DS with said a lot about their own preoccupations - wind, tummyache, tired, hungry, bored...all from exactly the same behaviour (being a baby).

Actually I do always come with cake, I say the baby is gorgeous and mother looks 'great' ( however shattered she might be).

I also, however, might make the milk comment if the baby starts rooting at my chest. I also might ask the mother what her plans for work are (not when she's going back, but what plans are). And I ask how baby is sleeping or eating. Just to make conversation. These are the sort of things I was asked when I had my babies, and while it is a bit repetitive it is just the way it is and certainly nothing to get annoyed at.

No way am I going to offer to do housework. I think most people would actually find that very insulting - especially you over sensitive types. Anyway, have two dcs of my own who would create exponentially more work than your newborn. Ditto for making my own tea, but I wouldn't actually demand or need a cup.

I was in labour for over 1 day, had to be induced, had forceps delivery then general anaesthetic as placenta wouldn't detach. Had tears & stitches. And DD and I both had an infection. I was in hospital for 1 week. I bf DD, who fed almost constantly. Shortly after I came home, ILs were clearing house of recently deceased relative. They kept arriving with black bins bags full of crap, which they'd kept specially for me, because "I've got enough linen table-cloths, and DH's aunt turned up her nose at them, so you can have them". Oh, and declaring how exhausted they were and needed a cup of tea.
Everyone had come back to ours after same relative's funeral. Everyone cooed over DD, except 1 of DH's aunties, who asked ME how I was before cooing. I felt so much more cared for!

My ILs (who genuinely are lovely people, if a tad thoughtless at times) hogged the sofa, the only soft seat in the room, on their first visit and demanded tea.

So I told them about what the on-call doc had said when he saw my infected and unravelling episiotomy stitches and what dosage of codeine I was on.

You have never seen a man get out of a seat so fast.

They still hog the sofa now, but that's okay because I'm only pregnant and not immediately post-natal. Bless them

No one really visited so I don't know.

My favorite was from MIL who brought a big bag of DH's favorite foods because he must be very tired with the baby and he needed a treat. That would be the bf'd baby who he was too scared to change the nappy of so I was doing everything then? Oh and I got some muslins cos babies need lots of those.

I will add mine, from last time (because I like a moan).

"so do you think a cs is easier than a natural birth then?"
my section was elective. I have no idea what a natural birth is like

"do you feel like you missed out because you didn't do it properly?"
I don't, but what a horrible thing to say! Felt like saying 'no, I've got the pelvic floor of a seventeen year old!"

"you're never going to be a size 8 again"
I was, just six weeks later. So ner!

"you should leave him at your mum's for the weekend, so you can have a break"
the baby is five days old and breastfed. I couldn't leave him if I wanted to. Which I don't. And what on earth makes you think my mum would appreciate a newborn being thrust on her for the weekend?!

DD was about 4 months old, having an expressed bottle in the park. Old hag wheels up to me and says 'oh what a lovely boy (pink dress). You can tell you're a first time mum (turns to DD in high pitch) mummy doesn't know how to feed you properly does she?' She was draining her bottle...there was nothing wrong with her!

Waiting for DP outside a cafe on a lovely sunny evening when DD was 2 weeks old, old drunk man asks me her name. She has a flower name and he scoffed and said it 'wasn't a real name'. He then gave me a bollocking as I shouldn't take her out of the house until she's 6 weeks.

'What do you do all day? It must be so easy doing nothing'

'Have you got wind? Ohh it's a sore tummy, oh it's wind' - she's 1, she farts and laughs.

Oh yes; "Sleep when he sleeps" when he didn't seem to EVER sleep.

FIL arriving unannounced and sitting on the sofa laughing as the colic-stricken baby screamed for two hours, saying "Ha - serves you right, now you know what we had to put up with from you DH". He stayed for THREE HOURS. Won't be looking after him when he's old and wobbly. :)

Obviously I should have just left the screaming baby with him and gone up to sleep!

Sleep when they sleep.

What a marvellous idea! And once I work out how to do that whilst pushing a pram/walking round the living room, I will take your incredible advice!

Daprincessbride - 'Old hag' - what a horrible thing to say. How old was she exactly?

Poultry in Motion

Nooooo. Don't give them individual drinks. Put cups, saucers and pots on a tray with a jug of milk and bowl of sugar. They can serve themselves. N need to make thins harder than they need to be!

or play the waiting game?

I was so sick of making cups of tea for IL's I decided to wait for them to offer on the next visit.

I sat there for 2.5 hours before dragging my breast feeding dying of thirst self to the kitchen and asked if they wanted a brew.

We'd love one they said! (in a 'I can't believe it's taken this long for you to ask tone')

Truly, truly G.O.B. S.M.A.C.K.E.D.

The day I came home from hospital after having DS my MIL was sitting on the couch holding him when my DM returned DD1 & 2. As they were coming in I asked MIL to pass DS to me (I wanted to introduce them to their brother) she, for some reason, wouldn't give him to me. Then DD2 walked over to my DH and MIL started "she ignored Mummy, haha I can't believe it. She walked past and never even said hello". My hormones were all over the place and I really didn't need that.

Still pisses me off.

I asked my (ex - he can feck right off) husband to make me a cup of tea the SAME DAY I'd given birth and was RIDDLED with stitches (won't go into detail so not to scare anyone who's not given birth yet).

He asked why I couldn't get it myself.

I told him I'd just had a baby (15 hours before, pain, exhaustion, stiches, etc).

He told me I couldn't 'keep' using that excuse! Was the first time I'd said it!!

I wish him a lifetime of shite and misery.

RuleBritannia The problem is I'm nowhere near domesticated enough to own a teapot. Or a milk jug. Or saucers.

Worst for me was the uninvited guests who turned up (no phonecall to warn/check) when DD was days old and looked at me and said...

"You look better with some extra weight on your face"

So, let me check, you think I a) look fat and b) looked awful when i wasn't fat??

Thanks.

OMG this has bough back loads of bad memories.

DS is 7 now. I had EMCS. I thought either I was mad or everyone else was at some point.

until my neighbour (ex midwife) turned up one day at 6pm, DS was mid his 2 hour colic scream, put the kettle on, made me a bath, ordered me in it with a mag she'd bought, said she'd be back in an hour and took DS out. When back with a sleeping DS she actually gave me some use tips. The important thing she said was 'to try'.

Then I just limited visitors to her those who had an ounce of common sense.