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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to make sure I don't say/do these things to friend with newborn (lighthearted but true!)

103 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 10/02/2012 09:46

I have a young baby - so far from an expert - but just can't believe some of the things that were said/done to me with my newborn.

I'm going to see my friends baby and will make sure I don't come out with any stupid comments although I probably will!

So let me know your corkers!

Here are a few of mine (think week old baby):

(sitting down on sofa) Mines tea with two - not too strong mind

(Flicking through diary) - so when are we going on the piss?

(young family member) - so do you think you'll EVER wear make-up again?

So when are you going back to work?

So when do you think you'll have another?

Oh I can sympathise with the lack of sleep - our neighbours car alarm went off again at 5am!

Enjoy this time - they just get more demanding (do NOT need to hear this now thanks)

Now remember what we said about resting and saying no to visitors - same time again tomorrow?

(when baby turns head to visitors chest) ooh I'm sorry, no milk in there! (wrong, wrong wrong!)

(After spending two hours feeding and settling baby) So, shall we take baby out now so you can get on with some ironing? (aaaaaaaaahhhh! and bring baby back screaming and ready for next feed? Can't wait!)

(Every 5 minutes) Yes, it's wind. Must be wind. Have you got wind baby? Aw nasty wind!

I never slept when baby slept - it just makes you feel like a lazy slob doesn't it?

It's amazing how you just forget the birth isnt it? No. I'm scarred for life. Literally.

I think I can laugh now... just.

OP posts:

fortoday · 12/02/2012 14:33

i hated when people used go say ' does she look like her dad' wtf.. i found myself agreeing but deep down i was like ' this is a girl, she does not look like a 30 year old man with back hair'!!.. might have been different if anyone would have at least said once that the bundles of joys i squeezed out my lady bits looked remotely like me!

issimma · 12/02/2012 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumnosbest · 12/02/2012 15:02

From 4yr old. "Have you had your baby yet?" (I'm holding baby), "so why is your tummy still fat!"

Mia4 · 12/02/2012 18:34

I don't think any of these are bad in all honesty. They just sound like a mixture of sympathy and empathy-some probably grating on your nerves and missing their aim.

The worse I heard was to my friend who'd just had stitches and it was something along the lines of trying to be sympathetic and just failing miserably: 'Wow, you must be sore, i bet it's a real mess down there.'

I once heard a friend given the remarks 'i bet there walking out now' when she was nannying for 4 kids and trying to calm the newborn. Oh and asked 'if they all had different fathers' to which she replied 'yes and different mothers too!'

Just remember though, it works the other way too. I've heard some of my friends who are new parents, and family memebers, and myself i'm sure get so caught up in themselves or trying to empathise completely misses the sympathy/empathy card to. Like that car alarm one, yeah it's annoying and one-upping in some cases but on my fb alone I've seen many new parents (and have been guilty myself in other manners) doing that the other way around when someone posts about having no sleep, or sleep disturbed, regardless of whether said person has had no sleep because of insomnia, noisy neighbours, annoying mating foxes or debilitive illnesses, in which said parent (and myself on one occassion accidently one uppsed when trying to sypathise by saying 'wait til you have a baby', 'wait til you have kids etc.

A lot of these comments are frustrating to some people- but to others would come across as the sympathising/empathising they were meant to. And some people just really do have foot-in-mouth syndrome, like said friend regarding 'the mess'.

StealthPenguin · 12/02/2012 18:49

I found myself doing the exact thing I hated!

I ran in to an acquaintance from my mother and toddler group who is due any day, and I instantly said "Gosh, haven't you popped yet?! You must be desperate!"

I then went bright red and apologized for being a tactless twunt, that I was so sorry I'd just said that, and that I was especially sorry because that was the one question I bloody hated when I was 36+ weeks.

We had a good laugh about it!

soverylucky · 12/02/2012 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistyMountainHop · 12/02/2012 19:25

12 hours after having dd: MIL - "oooh you have a lot of weight to lose don't you girl!" this was the FIRST thing she said before she even LOOKED at her new GD -the insensitive cow

and FWIW i am a size 8 and barely even put on any weight when i was pg as i had some problems :( so was not exactly even big right before i had her!

NEVER mention the new mums weight / body etc. surely anyone with a brain would know that anyway #stillbittertwoyearson

mosschops30 · 12/02/2012 19:29

As i got in the lift after my EMCS to take ds2 home i bumped into a nurse i used to work with, she looked at the baby, then looked at me and said:
'whos baby is that'?
'mine' i replied
'then why do you still look like that' (staring at my stomach)

bitch!

EsmeWeatherwax · 12/02/2012 19:44

My best mate came over today, complete with lunch, soft drinks, ice cream, which she then served for both of us, and sat and talked about everything going on in our lives and very rarely referred to my 3 week old ds at all.

If anyone should write a book on visiting a mum and newborn, it's her...she's definitely my best friend for a reason!

Riddo · 12/02/2012 20:21

On my first trip out to the co-op when dd was 3 weeks, a complete stranger came up to me and asked how old she was. When I told her she said "Yes, I can tell by the way you're walking".

My visitors were all fab compared to that.

The best thing you can do is make your own cup of tea, or at least offer to and don't stay too long.

oldraver · 12/02/2012 20:42

I was in hospital for over 5 weeks with DS1 and left when he was 12 days old. PIL's eventually turned up when he was 5 days old (no point in visiting meee, they were waiting for the baby)... All FIL did was complain that they were cats hairs on his suit form my settee..... the one I hadn't seen for over four weeks, so how the fuck was that my fault ?

yellowjellybean · 12/02/2012 20:48

"you're wearing track suit bottoms? You need to be careful DH doesn't start looking elsewhere ..... " !!!!!

benne81 · 12/02/2012 20:55

People that came round and told me how tired they were, my mother actually fell asleep on the sofa infront of me! I was livid

RevoltingPeasant · 12/02/2012 21:52

snigger at 'this is a girl, she does not look like a 30 year old man with back hair'

But honestly to the PP whose FIL said, 'Now you know what we had to put up with from you' - won't you be thinking the same thing when your PFB has their first shrieking bundle of joy?

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 13/02/2012 01:18

I feel like an awful host reading these. When I bring a new baby home people are welcome to come to the house but often I will be asleep on bed with the baby or I will say "I'm going upstairs to feed baby and lie down" it had never occurred to me to sit around trying to be polite

PeasforP · 13/02/2012 09:34

On the other extreme of things, some of dh's family have not yet visited and met their only nephew/grandson, etc.! (he is 11 months!)

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 13/02/2012 09:40

I think, upon hearing news of pregnancy, I will say nothing.

When a child is born, I will not visit, or if I do I will say nothing - I'll just walk in and start cleaning, ironing and making tea. In silence.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/02/2012 09:58

I don't think anything of the 'bloopers' in the OP but reading some of the responses down the thread... bloody hell. It's a wonder you had any visitors at all, so rude. Why not just be upfront with what you want when people ring you to ask if they can visit, eg. "Yes, that would be lovely - I'm very tired so please make the cuppas when you arrive - oh and can you pick up some more teabags on the way?". What's difficult about that?

Don't whinge when people have no interest in your pregnancy, your baby or YOU.

nickelDorritt · 13/02/2012 10:42

i think there are far too many repliers on this thread coming in with "oh how rude to your guests" and "would it kill you to be polite" and "they're bringing gifts etv don't be horrible"

have any of them had babies themselves?

i had DD 9 weeks ago, and when i got home, i didn't want to give up my seat to other people, make cups of tea or hand my baby over to people for more than 3 seconds (especially if she mithered in that time!)
just think : new mum, pain down below, bleeding, milky, tired , hormonal, unsure, tired, worn out,hormonal, tired.
see the pattern?

I didn't want to have to ask people if i couldf have a seat, or a drink, or have to ask them to get their own! and i didn't have the energy to open the lovely presents they bought me. in fact, we didn't open any newborn presents until dd was 3 weeks old (and christmas day ended up being 28th december before we had energy to open presents.)_

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/02/2012 10:46

nickel... That would all be fine if there wasn't the expectation from some new mums that they want almost immediate visitors, bearing gifts and cards and effusive congratulations. Some new mums don't want this. How is the potential visitor supposed to know if they aren't told?

Why not just be upfront? It's not difficult and your visitors are people who supposedly like you and wouldn't want to cause you difficulty.

Why not pre-empt it - before you even have the baby, tell whoever that you'll ring when you're up to visitors so that you can enjoy them very much.

nickelDorritt · 13/02/2012 11:04

i though ti would want loads of visitors.
it was only once i new how exhausted i was that i didn't.
thankfully, we only had a couple - Sil, then my parents.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/02/2012 11:08

I think you never will know how you feel until the day - you might be fine - or not up to it at all. I'd ring on the day to ask if a visit was wanted, I would think most people would do that rather than just turn up and feel awkward at the obvious distress caused.

That goes for anything really - not just childbirth - hospital appointments, loss of job, any life event, in fact. It's good manners to ring to check it's still ok to visit.

deemented · 13/02/2012 11:12

I'm having a ELCS tomorrow, and following on from the drama that was manshapes mother demanding to be at the birth, she's now decided that as i should be home on Saturday, she's coming to visit. For the day. But it's ok, i can, apparently, just stick something for her dinner in the slowcooker, and then i actually won't have to do anything...

startail · 13/02/2012 11:23

Deementeds "MIL"
When visiting newborns you arrive bearing food.
One of my best memories of early days with DD1 is 3 old school friends arriving with half of Sainsbury's deli counter.
We just sat on the sofa passed the baby round, chatted and ate.
DH and I also got left with easy non cook lunch for several days

startail · 13/02/2012 11:29

Also all the "helpful" fathers who told my exhausted DH it only gets worse and wait till they are teenages etc.

DH was an absolute star driving back to see us each night, while the others stayed at a hotel, getting bugger all sleep and driving back.

They were also wrong, DD1 at least, is a totally lovely teen.

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