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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think motherhood lasts until you die?

104 replies

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 15:32

basically, MIL and FIL have said they have done their bit, now it's their time to have fun. We would like to see the grandchildren but don't really want to be bogged down in problems and issues with the family. Just happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments please, in-between trips around the world.

I was stunned. I think I will only stop being a mummy when I die. it's not a short
-term contract. How could a parent not want to know what troubles their children, even if their children are in their 40s. AIBU and a soppy old git to think motherhood doesn't expire until we do?

OP posts:

Mutt · 08/02/2012 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 08/02/2012 15:34

Yanbu!

Both my parents are dead but I know what fantastic involved GP they were and would have been!

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2012 15:35

It depends on what sort of family they have to be honest.

I feel sorry for some parents whose grown up children don't stop asking for money/childcare/constant favours etc...

They never seem to stand on their own two feet as adults (as their parents probably did)

Of course Parenthood (not just Motherhood) lasts forever but there does come a time when you should be able to relax and stop wiping your grown up kid's arses.

mojitomania · 08/02/2012 15:36

Blimey, were they serious? I sort of sniggered when I read it. Most of me thought they were totally selfish but a tiny part of me thought good for them, if that makes any sense?

JustHecate · 08/02/2012 15:36

Well, you never stop being a parent, but there comes a time when your children have flown the nest and it is no longer your job to feed, clothe and house them and you should reasonably expect them to stand on their own two feet, sort out their own problems, raise their own family, so I can understand perhaps not wanting to go back to the child rearing days by being full time care for the grandchildren, or not wanting to be there with the open wallet and stuff like that! and there's nothing wrong with wanting to just have fun times with the grandchildren without the responsibilities that you had as a parent iyswim.

That said, if it's a listening ear and a hug, then it's a bit odd for a parent to say I'm done with that, cos that's basically saying I'm done with giving a shit.

It's probably worth reminding them who'll choose the home they'll likely end their days in

Kayano · 08/02/2012 15:37

Totally agree
With Worra's last sentence

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 15:39

Of course Parenthood (not just Motherhood) lasts forever but there does come a time when you should be able to relax and stop wiping your grown up kid's arses.

Isn't the subtext usually about the drying up of the fiow of parental money?

fuzzPigwickPapers · 08/02/2012 15:39

My parents explicitly stopped parenting me the day my boyfriend moved in with us. According to them, he would look after me, so they didn't have to any more.

I was 16.

Memoo · 08/02/2012 15:40

I suspect there is more to this than you have said. Sounds like you put on them a lot and they have had enough.

BlingLoving · 08/02/2012 15:43

I?d also be interested in exactly what they said. My parents are wonderful, involved, helpful with DS and other issues (when they can be as they live far away) and so on, however, they made it clear throughout our growing up years that once we were adults they?d expect us to be adults and get on with our own lives. Which is what we?re all doing now. Yes, they step up when we need them, but they?re not calling every day to make sure things are alright and they don?t expect me to bring all my worries to them. They don?t want that responsibility. They are interested in the big picture and in things they can help with, but they don?t need or want to know about every little issue I have with a friend or a colleague like they would have been when I was younger.

OrmIrian · 08/02/2012 15:43

But motherhood isn't the same things as grandparenthood. Would you really want them 'mothering' your children? And I'd put money on you getting pretty pissed off if MIL carried on 'mothering' your partner as if nothing had changed?.

Yes there will be a relationship but it doesn't have to be the day-to-day hard work.

Original poster

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 15:43

That side of the family does not enjoy the most harmonious dynamic. in my side, family has a capital F. east-end granny matriarch role model. we haven't asked for anything (time, money childcare) and as far as I know neither have other siblings. I don't object to their choice, it's their life. it DID make me think that maybe I am a romantic fool. I would like to be the kind of mother to my dcs that whatever age, they can ask my advice, have a cuddle etc... OK, I am probably a peri-menopausal sop!

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 08/02/2012 15:43

My folks still love me, they care, at a distance.

They're fit and healthy and living their dreams, they are happy with the job they did and I'm on my own now.

They moved to the other end of the country when I fell pregnant! They adore their GCs but they see themselves as a treat and the children as people to treat.

Sometimes I resent them. My MIL died when my eldest was 3 weeks old and she'd have doted on both my children. I am sad my children don't have actively involved GPs as we're a small family, no cousins either.

Mostly though, I respect their choice. I don't blame them for it. I am happy they are happy.

Would be nice to be able to lean on them more though.

Mutt · 08/02/2012 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReallyTired · 08/02/2012 15:47

My parents and in laws have a similar attitude. My in laws do support us emotionally as a family. My father in law is like a very good friend rather than a parent. I don't expect the inlaws to babysit as they are getting a bit old.

I think that different people have different ideas of how relationships should work. Personally I do not want to be parented at 36.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2012 15:48

I genuinely don't know and am struggling a bit with this myself

I want to stop providing a home for (foster) dd when she goes to uni/college/reaches 18 but Social Services and her are already hinting that she will always be coming to stay during holidays etc.

I want to move somewhere much more central (and much smaller) and focus on my work - we won't have a spare room.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2012 15:48

To be fair OP, when your children become adults...you still love them but it's a slightly different kind of love.

You don't lay awake at night worrying about them (unless they have real problems) like you did when they were children and went on a sleepover or residential school trip.

You don't tie yourself up in knots if they're not getting their 5 a day or if they've fallen out with their best friend.

You don't love them any less, but you are (or should be) perfectly able to enjoy your retirement by travelling around the world or doing whatever your want...and keeping in touch via telephone or any other means until you're able to visit and catch up in person.

stuffthenonsense · 08/02/2012 15:49

Well, does it work the other way? As a grown adult, a parent, do you really want your parents/inlaws to be telling you how to run your life?
I see my role as a parent to bring up independant adults, so in a sense, when they are grown, job done, that wont stop me lovingthem or caring about them, but i am not intending on being their unpaid nanny/bank etc.

Original poster

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 15:52

@ mutt, there isn't a hidden story. It was an announcement to all their kids. They are all as flummoxed as we were. It's not the legitimacy of their decision I was interested in discussing. I admire their single mindedness in some ways. I just know that I couldn't adopt that position myself. I also think that MNers are quite a cynical bunch, and wanted to see to what extent this situation was "normal" elsewhere :)

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 08/02/2012 15:53

Laurie - for what it's worth and feel free to ignore me, but I believe that as long as children are unable to work sufficiently to properly support themselves while they're in education, parents should still be providing a home foro them. Similarly, I'm 35 but my parents would always have room for me if I needed to go home for a bit (while making it clear that I cannot move back at any stage for the long term). if you don't provide somewhere for her on holidays, where will she go? How will she pay for herself?

If it's just holidays though, can't she sleep on a sofa bed somewhere if you explain why you need to give up a full room for her? Surely you still want her to be part of your life and family?

Jins · 08/02/2012 15:54

I guess by the fact that you call yourself a 'mummy' your DC are very young.

I believe that as a mother I will always be there if needed but that I will learn when to keep my nose out

Sevenfold · 08/02/2012 15:55

yabu
a grown up should not expect their parents to live their lives for them.
WorraLiberty put it well.
I have no parents, so suggest people enjoy them when they can, but learn to be adult

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2012 15:56

I just know that I couldn't adopt that position myself

With respect OP you don't.

You don't know that when your kids grow up they won't be looking at you as an unpaid childminder/money lender/cook/cleaner/whatever.

There may well come a time in yours and your DH's life when you'll stand back and think "Hang on a minute, we've done our bit...now we're going to put ourselves first for a little while"

And you'd be more than entitled to as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2012 15:58

YABU... I think it's totally valid for grandparents to say to their grown-up children 'over to you'. By making it clear they've got a life of their own it's a way of avoiding the assumption that they'll always be on call for babysitting, cash donations or whatever else. I'm sure they'd be there in a genuine emergency.

squeakytoy · 08/02/2012 15:58

How many threads on here are about Parents and Inlaw who are "too interested" in their families lives, and how many posters are of the opinion that once you are married, parents are relegated to the status of "extended family" rather than close..

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