To think motherhood lasts until you die?

[DrWispalove]

basically, MIL and FIL have said they have done their bit, now it's their time to have fun. We would like to see the grandchildren but don't really want to be bogged down in problems and issues with the family. Just happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments please, in-between trips around the world.

I was stunned. I think I will only stop being a mummy when I die. it's not a short
-term contract. How could a parent not want to know what troubles their children, even if their children are in their 40s. AIBU and a soppy old git to think motherhood doesn't expire until we do?

I believe one is always a mother and always has the best interests of one's children at heart. Ours are now teenagers and getting ready to fly the nest. They will always be our children and we will always do our best to care for them. For example if dd got herself pg or into an abusive relationship (or both!) there would always be a home with us. Like wise if either of them were in trouble we would be a secure refuge and would do our best to help them. However, that does not mean that as they grow up we want to be entirely responsible for them. We do look forward to holidays far away outside of school holidays which are just for us; we do look forward to a living room without books, guitars, sheet music, flutes scattered all over it; we do look forward to them learning to take more responsibility. And finally, we certainly do not expect to have to do formal childcare on a regular week in week out basis. That does not mean we will not love future grandchildren or our children less but just that as our children were our responsibility, their children will be theirs and hopefully we will have given them the tools and resources to take responsibility. Of course if a grandchild were ill and our children were working I would step in but not every Thursday/Friday so it stopped us enjoying our retirement for which we have worked very very hard.

We have tried to give our children everything and in return I look forward to some freedom in 10/15 years time so I think OP YABU.

I think my parents have got the balance right - from my point of view, and I hope from theirs too. They have lots of interests and are enjoying retirement. They are still very emotionally supportive of me and my DB, keen but not pushy about seeing their GCs (for the good and bad bits), but would never intrude on our family life if not wanted. I know they'd drop everything if I needed them, but I rarely ask them to do so (have occasionally called on them in times of illness etc).

I love and appreciate them more than I can say. I just hope I manage to achieve the same relationship with my DCs when they are adults.

marriedinwhite I'm not sure there's much chance of your daughter getting herself pregnant. I've got 2 children and I'm pretty sure there was someone else involved both times.

YABU and have a dreamy view of parenting adults
why should a gp have the worry of adult children hand them money etc etc , they have done their job of bringing up children to adulthood had all the worry responsibility and joy of course
, They dont have to be as involved with grandchildren they can enjoy them visiting without the worry of them being their children , of course you never stop being a parent , i have a young adult child and I worry but im working on her standing on her own 2 feet with support of course , Gp dont have to do anything they dont want to do ,

I know everyone does things differently but I do genuinely find it starnge when gps dont want to do childcare or their gcs. Surely its fun and they get a special relationshoip with them? I think it depends on yoru area but everyone I know here has gps that are falling over themselves to help and are very close to their gcs.

I know no one without at least one set of gps nearby who are eager to help. Its just what families do and what gps want to do ime.

I dont see why Gp should want to do full term childcare i have seen aunties run ragged with Gc and have no life after retirement just wiping bums running to school , I dont have a probelm with babysitting but i really dont see why gp should see fulltime childcare a joy to behold maybe im just hard , I know if and when im a granny i wont be on tap .

Going back to the original OP, unless I've missed it, I don't think DrWispaLove was asking for, or expecting, either childcare or money from her PILs. The way I read it, she seemed shocked and hurt that in spite of this, they had announced that they effectively didn't want to know about any issues or problems their adult children may encounter from now on. I think the words she used were they didn't want to be "bogged down" .... which kinda says "don't bother us" and that has got to hurt.

As I said previously, and as Folkgirl reiterated, you'd hope that your parents would want to be involved in your life - whether that was good or bad. This doesn't necessarily mean that as an adult you expect your parents to literally sort out your troubles for you ... but a bit of sympathy, advice, support and loyalty ... just having someone to talk things through with .... can go a long way. Unless there's a background history, and good reason why parents/children have become estranged, I still find it hard to accept that anyone close to you - family or friend - would baulk at providing a listening ear every so often, and I do think that it's a bit rich to expect all the "good bits" in a relationship if you turn your back when the other person's in need.

I plan to be very much a mother when they are grown up...from a distance on my round the world trip!
This idea that you should be at their beck and call till you die...no fucking thanks to that one!

I wonder if the fact that they felt the need to make this announcement meant that they had been feeling bogged down by their adult children with issues they felt they should be sorting out between themselves. After all you don't say "please don't rearrange my furniture" to someone unless they are likely to rearrange your furniture.
I don't think adults should really need "parenting" any more and should learn to be resourceful. Grandparenting should be about enjoying time with your grandkids often with their parents there too, not endless babysitting.
Since leaving home my parents have always been there for me when I needed them, but have largely lived their own lives and are not dependent on me or my sibs to entertain them.
I think at least one of their kids has pissed off your inlaws and they are becoming concerned that their adult children are more emotionally dependant on them than they were on their own parents at that age.

Garcia - it's just not possible for me to look after another adult once she's 18. As for why we didn't think of that - we are short-term carers and unfortunately there are no long term placements so it is likely she will stay with us til 18.

The relationship absolutely will not end once she reaches 18 - we just won't be able to offer her more than a very temporary sofa - we will of course try to help her with accommodation once she has left care.

May I ask when you think I should stop keeping a room for her - what age do you think is suitable?

Also be aware that when she is gone social services will be wanting us to take the next placement as there's such a shortage.

Added to that while we have kept in touch with the boys we fostered before they wouldn't be allowed to come and stay now they are adults anyway as we only have one spare room and foster dd is in it.

Hope that makes sense.

I know a few GPs who look after their GCs for 1 day a week, which I think would be a nice way of getting to know your GCs and helping out your DCs with the cost of childcare, but retaining time for yourself. More than that (on a regular basis) might be a bit much I think!

Oh well, they won't be wanting any of their DC to care for them in their old age then?

"MIL and FIL have said they have done their bit, now it's their time to have fun. We would like to see the grandchildren but don't really want to be bogged down in problems and issues with the family. Just happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments please, in-between trips around the world"

IMO this is a healthy and normal thing.

Though I would hope they would want to know about and help with serious illness/poverty/ishoos etc.

Generally I think they are right.

1 day a week is fine if you just have 1 child and they just have 1 or 2 kids. It's when you have several kids who all expect you to have their kids 1 day a week because you did it for the first granchild and should "be fair" (a moan that has appeared on mumsnet) and look after loads of kids at once, and look after them exactly as their mum feels you should look after them, and not book any holidays unless your children say you can. That's when it beomes a chore.
I've lived away from my parents since 18 and my parents lived away from their parents so compulsary childcare for grandparents has never really arisen in our family.
I suspect I'd prefer to do emergency childminding if child ill etc when I am a grandparent rather than have a regular restricting slot. The rest of the time I'd like to see my adult offspring with their children.

What about fatherhood?

That sounds a very selfish thing to say Faithhope and kevin. I will look after my father when he is old because he is my father and parented me when I was a child and I love him. How much free childminding he did/ didn't do for me when I was an adult is irrelevent. He has done his bit by raising me to be an independant adult. he doesn't have to be my servant and free childminder for me to want to look after him.

I think fatherhood does to. We have lots of grandads pick up their gcs from our nursery all the time. They are always doing stuff with them, and telling us about it. Same as nans do. Ime thats what grandparents do, just as thats what our grandparents did for us growing up.

I also forget to add how much fostering has changed over the years - it was never suggested to me I couldn't work full time but ever since the baby Peter case SS have been much more risk averse.

I'm not allowed to let a 14 year old have keys and come home from school until I return from work - this is completely different to what we actually need as 2 adults who live in the south-east.

Due to the cuts dh (teacher) and I are both making up for the fact she wasn't schooled for 8 years and has very limited skills - this means we're actually tutoring her for 2-3 hours every night. The country is saving a fortune by not having to pay for tutoring and extra help.

It's got much more difficult to provide the care dd needs because of the cuts and restrictions.

Dh and I have decided that we will put that much into dd until 18, in the hope that all that work will prepare her for independence. Then I really will have to make up the money I will have lost for 11 years.

I will always be a mother and now I have the joy of being a grandmother. However, first and foremost, I don't expect to control my grown-up children's lives, let alone interfere in how my ds2 and ddil bring up dgd.

I am always here for my children but they recognise that my life does not stand still simply because, 30 and 29 years ago I gave birth to them. I love babysitting and love being near enough to drop round so that they can go out without making complicated arrangements. But they'd never assume that I was free or expect me to put my life on hold. In fairness, they'd hate me to stop having a busy and interesting work and social life anyway because I'd be resentful and boring.

I've had experience of a somewhat smothering (former) MIL as well as having the opposite from my own DM. Now DM did live across the Irish Sea and had suffered from an appallingly interfering mother herself so I suspect was almost over-keen to ensure she didn't do similarly. Given the choice two extremes , I still preferred to actively involve my DM than I did to try and deter the interfering MIL.

I think, if you currently have young DCs it is probably hard to see how they might not occupy every waking (and some sleeping!) moments. But things do change as your dcs grow up and it is not selfish to want your own life back when they reach adulthood. But like all things, it is a question of striking a happy medium.

As lots of people have said you never stop being a parent, you don't stop worrying and you don't stop caring. However a parent is entitled to relinquish their responsibilities once their children are adults, otherwise it makes for a very stressful old age.

When your children are grown up you are entitled to choose what you do with your time and prioritise your leisure time over babysitting for grandchildren if you so wish. You are entitled to blow your savings on a round the world cruise rather than save it as an inheritance for your children to use on an extension to their house.

They have the right to say they do not want to be at the beck and call of their adult children. However, they might find that those 'happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments ' which they do want, may not be forthcoming as the grand children may not feel close to their always around-the -world grandparents. This happens to my children with one of their aunties. She never bothers with them except at Christmas time, when she expects to be centre of their universe and for them to gush about the presents she bought them above everyone else. This is usually met with shyness from them as they do not know her. However, if you want to live your life so separate from your grown up children then you may have to accept that your grand children may not want any grandparent moments.

I also think the odd thing is that they felt the need to announce it.

As an adult I don´t bother my parents with problems/issues.

Why would I-I´m an adult!

TBH, if you don´t take a step back when your children are parents, when do you?

OP-you might be a mother until you die, but your children might not want mothering!

Fine to be there in the background if they want/need you.

Yes agree diddl that adult children might not want mothering. I'm almost 40 and mil still asks me if I need the loo before we leave the house! She also telephones to check that we have scarves and hats on when it's cold. She doesn't get that her fussing is bloody annoying.

My parents never made any grand announcements, but they have very little do do with us. We have a superficially polite relationship. They stopped 'parenting' when I was in my teens and now in my 30s they agree to speak to me about 3 times a year. They are not interested in problems or emotional support. They think this is entirely normal and would be surprised to know it upsets me. It didn't upset me until I found Mumsnet and realised that most people have parents who are genuinely interested in them and want to be a part of their grandchildrens lives.

You can be loving and supportive from far away, down a phone line for instance. Many people seem to expect an awful lot of practical help, from babysitting to full time care to money, to fuck knows what. Its insane.