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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think motherhood lasts until you die?

104 replies

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 15:32

basically, MIL and FIL have said they have done their bit, now it's their time to have fun. We would like to see the grandchildren but don't really want to be bogged down in problems and issues with the family. Just happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments please, in-between trips around the world.

I was stunned. I think I will only stop being a mummy when I die. it's not a short
-term contract. How could a parent not want to know what troubles their children, even if their children are in their 40s. AIBU and a soppy old git to think motherhood doesn't expire until we do?

OP posts:

NapaCab · 08/02/2012 17:52

I think a lot of parents would like to think that they can wash their hands of parenting once their DC turn 18 but the reality is if you've given birth to and raised someone from a baby, I can't imagine you can ever walk away. You'll always have that link no matter what. It doesn't mean you should be providing free childcare, money, emotional support and therapy into your 90s but once a parent, you're always a parent. You never stop worrying about their welfare - I imagine.

I am only proud mother to a 4 month old so there's a long road ahead yet...!

My ILs sound like yours as they've stated numerous times that DH is on his own in life, couldn't wait for him to move out at 17 and says that their sons' problems are now our (their wives) problems. They had an idea in their heads that once their youngest (DH) turned 18, they were suddenly free to cruise the world, have fun and be free of their parental responsibilities. It didn't really work out that way though. They spend most of their time sitting around their house desperate for the grandkids to visit (family all live abroad atm). I think a lot of empty-nesters fantasize about this footloose, SAGA, 'SKI*-ing' lifestyle but the reality is different.

*Spending Kids Inheritance

Aribura · 08/02/2012 17:55

YABU it's better than helicoptering.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 18:01

I think I would have liked more of a sense of on-going support from my parents - especially just after I left home and went to Uni.

I'm planning to be more involved with my DCs into their adult lives, if they find that helpful.

My DPs have given us support, especially with the DCs and in practical ways, but I feel they could be more emotionally available to lend an ear to problems and concerns.

Anyone else feel like this ? Perhaps it's a generational thing ?

Ingles2 · 08/02/2012 18:01

That's very interesting JoandMax about your Mil saying Fil comes first... my mother is exactly the same, my dad always came before us children. He is and always will be her no 1 priority.
Now I adore dh, but my children will always come first.

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2012 18:02

I will always be there for my darlings but just not every day.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 18:14

I completely agree with you Ingles

I think that's the essential generational difference between me and my Mum too.

Also she seems to think boys matter more than girls which to my mind is a weird thing for a woman to think !

MrsPresley · 08/02/2012 18:14

OP i have 4 children from 28 down to 10.

By the time my youngest is an adult (18) I will have have been bringing up my children, for roughly 36 years.

I already have grandchildren and I still have 2 children who might give me more.

I spend a lot of time with the GC I have now and hopefully I will with any future ones, but if I decide enough is enough then my decision better be should be respected.

Thoretically (sp) my youngest could be giving me GC and at the same time my eldest 3 GC could be having my greatGC

I will never stop being a mum, I chose to be one, but I didn't make the choice to become a grandparent!

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 18:16

Ooh, I did MrsP I'm looking forward to it greatly !

McHappyPants2012 · 08/02/2012 18:27

I still need my mum, when the kids are ill I ring my mum, or if I need advice I will ask my mum. I don't need her like I did as a baby till teen years.

She will always be a mum but now got no responsibilities

GrownUp2012 · 08/02/2012 18:37

I can't wait for my kids to be grown up and fly the nest. I find being a parent pretty stressful and difficult and I work my arse off to be a good mum, but I had my kids young and have missed out on having much time to myself. I will of course be there for them in dire need and for all the nice family moments, but I intend on getting some time in where I am the focus for a while.

Since I had kids I have become disabled, so I think in part this is why I find it so difficult, I seem to lurch from one problem to the next, and it's often just about getting through it. Perhaps I would have a different opinion if my experience of kids was different.

Spuddybean · 08/02/2012 18:46

I think it's interesting about the 'children coming first' attitude. From my experience that's culturally very new. Most women historically would have been expected to prioritise their husbands. Personally, I know my grandparents prioritised each other over my parents. I don't think it's a bad thing either. I think culturally we are too close to our children now.

I am pregnant now and i know i will love my children, but my partner is my life and we have plans which do not include them. Both DP's and my parents have also prioritised their lives over ours, and they will continue to do so.

When the my children come along my parents will see them when it's convenient to them (as they do my nieces), but they also have a large circle of friends and this will only be when nothing 'better' is happening. I'm fine with that. I'm all for a bit of healthy disinterest - much rather that than smothering.

DP's parents will probably never see them at all, as they don't really like children.

KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2012 18:47

I think I get it from my mum.

Mum is wonderful, she lives 5 mins away from me and is so chilled she is practically horizontal. She is there when you need her but doesn't take the huff if you have not spoken to her in a week. She has her own life and it's pretty full.

MIL is the type to PA sulk if you haven't paid homage for a couple of days. I don't play, but my poor SIL is demented by her constant interfering and is far too lovely to tell her to GTF. She was ubermamma to her boys. DH and BIL are strangely detatched from their parents.

Despite having been made to spend more time with MIL, my DC vastly prefer Mum and choose to go and visit her off their own bat. They have to be coerced to see MIL despite her constant attendance on them since they were born.

Therefore I have decided to be just like Mum. There for my children when they need me and off doing my own thing when they don't. I will be happy as long as they are happy and I hope they feel the same way about me.

SardineQueen · 08/02/2012 19:03

I don't really understand.

You say doesn't being a mother last forever, but your post is about being a grandparent.

They are different things.

Jellykat · 08/02/2012 19:06

I agree with you Juggling my dad died when i was young, and my mum really couldn't be arsed with my brother and i, support was non existent..

In a way i reckon that has made us place our own DC as no. 1 priorities, my DB has his grandson every Saturday to give his DD a break, and although my DS1 left home 4 years ago, i am always there for him and always will be...I'll never stop being mum, and if he has DC, i'll still be there when needed.

pranma · 08/02/2012 19:15

I will be a mother before everything else until I die.My children and my grandchildren are the most important part of my life with my very dh in agreement.We have no dc together-he has 3 and I have 2 and there are 9dgc.If they need us we are there always and unconditionally.

Forrestgump · 08/02/2012 19:46

Mrspresley, that is my exact mil 's opinion on grand parenting, she wants as little as possible to do with them, however she likes to be included in all the good stuff, sat at the front and in all the pictures please!

My mum is a mum until the day she dies, she has always been there for me, she doesn't live close, but if I need her I know I can call. Dh however in his hour of need would also call my mum, which I think is realy sad.

notfluffyatall · 08/02/2012 19:54

It's entirely their choice and they shouldn't be made to feel shit about it. Lots of grandparents just feel they've done their bit bringing up kids for years and their retirement is theirs, just theirs, and worries and childminding aren't going to get in the way of it.

My father and his wife are like this. Never babysit or take the kids for weekends, ever, Have made it plain and clear that they're not going to get involved in our family business, we're adults, deal with it. They want a peaceful, stress free retirement and that's what they have. Two or three holidays a year, weekends away, play golf, go to the social club. They have a fab life! I hope I'm in the same boat when I'm that age!

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 20:06

I think your post is beautiful pranma

Especially "I will be a mother before everything else until the day I die"

I hope I'll be able to write one like that one day ! - with lots of grandkids !

Glad you feel the same jelly

MeltedChocolate · 08/02/2012 20:18

DrWisp - my parents are like you. They think they should be like you describe too. What they don't understand is that I have my own life and would like them to back off. Though they think they are just 'being around, here to help etc etc' Actually they are pushy and invading. Not everyone wants to be a capital F family in the way you do. That may include your own kids.

I would love to shout 'BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE' to my parents but can't.

YABU

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 20:21

There's probably a happy medium.

As Buddhists would say, the middle way

Around as much as they need you to be is what I'll be aiming for.

A counsel of perfection of course !

notfluffyatall · 08/02/2012 20:55

I don't plan on being on constant stand-by mode.

I'll be there in emergencies but I won't be spending my retirement babysitting/childminding, I won't be spending my little nest egg on bailing adults out of their own shit.

I absolutely will just want the nice bits, the messy bits if grandchildren aren't my responsibility, they're the parent's.

FlightRisk · 08/02/2012 22:12

OP I think like you but my grandmother and my mother think like your in-laws.

My grandad is a bit better but he's very old now so can't do much as they would like to.

My mother thought she'd done her bit when she pushed DB and I out so not a very good mum so mu auntie has done her job for a lot of years now.

I know her and my uncle will basically be parents and grandparents to us till the day they die.

Garcia10 · 08/02/2012 23:17

LaurieFairyCake

How sad for your foster daughter. I think that what you have done in marginalising your career is a very self-sacrificing but I do have to ask why you fostered in the first place? I have thought many times about fostering but would only do so if I could offer the same love and support to a foster child as I could to a my own offspring.

To read that " No ones going to pay me to keep a room for her once she's turned 18" is very surprising. No-one pays for any parent to keep a room once children have reached adulthood but parents do because they love their child. You don't necessarily have to have a separate room but just be able to offer a home if they need it.

How old is your foster-daughter now? How secure does she feel knowing that your responsibility towards her ends as soon as Social Services (or whoever) stops paying her bills?

I'm not flaming you and I'm sure her life would have been more difficult if you weren't able to offer the support which you have done but your post reads as though you expect the relationship to end once she has reached 18 which is sad for you both. 18 seems very young to be left to be completely self-sufficient although I know many people (including myself) are. At least the majority of 'birth' children have the option to fall back on their parents if they need to.

Your post has highlighted the hardships that many foster children must encounter once they have left the care system.

Portofino · 08/02/2012 23:24

Um well my gps are in in their mid 80s. They lost my dm nearly 40 years ago and my aunt 2 years ago. 2 of their children died before them. The fact that my mum was 21 and my aunt was in her 50's and had grandchildren makes no difference. These were their BABIES!

TroublesomeEx · 09/02/2012 08:40

DH said the other day that my mother "sees motherhood as a fixed term contract that ended with her legal obligation to me".

Sad. But true.

I too hope to see motherhood as a 'job for life'. They will always be my children and more than that, I hope to be close enough to both of them as adults to want to spend time with them sometimes. What would be the point of having them otherwise?!

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