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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think motherhood lasts until you die?

104 replies

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 15:32

basically, MIL and FIL have said they have done their bit, now it's their time to have fun. We would like to see the grandchildren but don't really want to be bogged down in problems and issues with the family. Just happy perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments please, in-between trips around the world.

I was stunned. I think I will only stop being a mummy when I die. it's not a short
-term contract. How could a parent not want to know what troubles their children, even if their children are in their 40s. AIBU and a soppy old git to think motherhood doesn't expire until we do?

OP posts:
JerichoStarQuilt · 08/02/2012 16:01

I notice it's motherhood that requires you not to put yourself first, is it? Your FIL gets an easy ride then!

Assuming that was just an unfortunate choice of words ... is it not possible they think part of being a parent is getting your adult children to stand on their own two feet? It's hard to know without knowing more about your situation, but I'm thinking of those parents of adult children who still do everything for them - it's not really good parenting, is it, if you make your children too dependent on you?

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2012 16:04

And actually if I end up with the sort of DIL's who are going to expect me to look after all their kids everyday, slag my childcare skills off to MN, clutch their pearls because I've added a thimble full of squash to their DC's water and call Social Services on me because I gave them a chocolate button....

Half way around the world wouldn't be far enough Grin

Sevenfold · 08/02/2012 16:04

my ds is 20(on friday) and live at home, obviously once he has a home and family of his own, my job will be done, I will always be his Mum, but as a grown up he will be ...well a grown up.

ScrumpyJ · 08/02/2012 16:05

Laurier - would that be linked to the fact that money you receive for fostering ceases on those milestones you mentioned?

ll31 · 08/02/2012 16:06

yabu I think - your an adult. They sound like they're going off on brilliant holidays coming back home to see grandchildren on occasion - whats wrong with that? On other hand am slightly taken back at poster who wants foster child to move out at 18 but maybe again there's a back story. Reason I'm taken aback though is that at 18 I'd still see you've some amount of parenting to do- but you're an adult with own home, own children different situation

DrWispalove · 08/02/2012 16:07

Yes, maybe because my ones are small both under 10 that I can't imagine it. Also, that my model of family has always been so close and involved (and yes at times meddling). thank you all for a dose of fresh perspective. SIL and I will dissect them at length over some vino tonight I am sure.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2012 16:09

Aren't you supposed to teach your children to be self-supporting independent adults?

Or did I miss that page in Motherhood 101

DH and I are gleeful about the time when our two beloved children are off into the big wild world. We have plans.

Ingles2 · 08/02/2012 16:16

Wispa I totally get where you are coming from. My parents have done exactly this and I just don't understand it at all... I can't imagine not wanting to be involved in my children's lives, with their children etc.
My parents moved to France about 3 years ago and last year we saw then for about 5 days in the whole year! Then my mother wonders why
1/ the boys are a bit distant and
2/ I feel a bit resentful that she turns up at my house expecting a picture postcard christmas having had practically no contact all year!
What makes it all the more noticeable is that My PIL's want to be really involved, but can't as the are nearly 90. They'd love to take the boys out, babysit, etc but just can't manage it.
Weirdly both my parents came from really supportive, involved families and my brother and I were looked after most weekends by grandparents. My parents have had my kids overnight for one, one week holiday and they're 11 & 12!

Hullygully · 08/02/2012 16:17

yars

Jins · 08/02/2012 16:18

Ingles2 what were your parents doing most weekends if you were being looked after by grandparents?

It's not really a huge leap that they aren't involved so much now surely?

nizlopi · 08/02/2012 16:18

Yeah, you're being unreasonable.

My parents recently moved to France. I feel sad that they're gone, and that they won't get to see their grandchild as much, but its their choice. They're retired, they worked bloody hard their whole lives and they deserve to spend these years doing what they want to do.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2012 17:16

Yes. No ones going to pay me to keep a room for her once she's turned 18 (please note this has nothing to do with how much I love and care for her).

Instead I will need to focus on my career - I have no pension at all for example and won't have one until she leaves for college when I'm 44! Added to which the financial cost to my career will have been HUGE over the 11 years I will have done this.

Social services pay me £600 per month to be at home up til 8.40 in the morning and after 3.30pm - 8.15 am every day - they won't allow her to have keys or childcare.

So that's no full time job for 11 years and also I can't work from home when she's home as the house is too small and I can't provide privacy (I'm a counsellor).

Instead I've fitted in a bit of lecturing and about 10 therapeutic hours a week.

So my career has been mostly on hold and there will still be 18 years of mortgage to pay. We don't want to keep a 'family' home after as we can't really afford it.

So much as I would like to provide her with somewhere to stay in the holidays I really can't - I've pretty much reached the limit of what I can 'give' - I need to earn money and proper money to keep me and not £600 a month when I need to earn that a week really.

Grin
MissKittyMiddleton · 08/02/2012 17:21

Erm, ya probably bu.

I would find being "mothered" as an adult suffocating. I'm the matriarch now. My parents are still my parents and DS's grandparents, but I am the boss. End of.

seeker · 08/02/2012 17:21

One of the last conversations I had with my mother befor she died aged 90 was about my much older brother- she was worried that his memory was failing and that he might be starting Altzheimers!

catsmother · 08/02/2012 17:24

Hmmm .... I do see where the OP might be coming from. It doesn't sound as if the PIL's announcement has arisen because they've been put upon, and of course they are entitled to have fun. But you see, I'd have thought if they wanted to have fun they need to just get on with it - they obviously don't need to ask permission to do so. By making a stark statement like that, it does come across as rather a rejection of their children. If these adult children haven't been taking advantage, then why say it at all ? I guess I'd just personally feel a bit shocked that two people I imagined I had a close relationship with were telling me - in advance, 'cos they might not happen anyway - that they didn't want to hear about any issues or problems I might have in the future. That seems selfish to me .... and I don't think it's simply a question of having done "their bit", because to me, being close, and wanting to support friends and family (those I liked anyway !) doesn't have a time limit on it ..... basically, if I care for someone per se, I will care for them indefinitely - which would mean offering whatever support I could (emotional, practical or financial) if they needed it until such time that I was unable to do so for whatever reason (e.g. if my health restricted me) unless I did feel I was being used. In return, would hope that my concern/support/help would be a two way street and they'd do the same for me.

This scenario reminds me of "fairweather" friends .... who avoid you and/or disappear completely when you need a shoulder to cry on every so often. It's not a nice feeling at all to realise that your company is only required when everything's going swimmingly and your "issues" don't affect them in any adverse way. You see .... I think genuine friends, and hopefully close family would be regarded as such, accept each other warts and all. Life is very rarely smooth for all of us all of the time, and, so long as people don't take the piss, I actually get a certain amount of pleasure - if that's the right word ? - in being able to help a friend through a rough time if I can and they want me to. That can be as simple as being on the end of a phone line, or relieving the pressure on someone by doing their ironing. Don't get me wrong .... am not saying I enjoy other people's problems, am just realistic enough to appreciate we all have them from time to time and personally I'd hate to think someone I cared about was keeping stuff from me whilst struggling in some way. Yet this is what the PILs are expecting their children to do .... I don't think that's healthy TBH. They are effectively asking them to lie, by ommission, if they should ever find themselves with an issue or problem or alternatively, risk being very hurt and rejected if they share what's happening and the PILs say "we don't want to hear about it". It's not a case of adult kids being too dependent, and most of us would try to sort our own troubles out and worry our parents as little as possible - but there does come a point, depending on what's happening, when it can be impossible to pretend/hide stuff. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope that your own parents at the very least would express some sympathy and empathy, yet this pair have effectively told their kids not to bother them any more.

Not surprisingly - given my views expressed above, I have very similar experience of this. My own mum has never made such a bald statement, but her actions speak louder than words. Consequently, there are huge swathes of my life past and present she knows nothing about, because I know from bitter experience that I'd be rejected if I tried to share a trouble and hopefully get some sympathy. I can guarantee that if I even begin to talk about anything not quite "nice" - like the weather, TV, or kittens - that she'll make her excuses (lunch ready, someone at door, toilet etc) and that I won't hear from her again for months on end - and when I do she won't refer to whatever it was that was troubling me. It is incredibly hurtful .... you do imagine that your own mum would want to be involved in your life as much as possible and would care enough to manage a few sympathetic noises.

Sorry OP ... have rattled on a bit.

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 17:25

You are always a mother. But you don't always parent. In fact as parents get elderly it is often the adult children who become the "parents" of their mother and father.

Also I have been gobsmacked at the level of practical help a small amount of adult children "expect" from their parents. Don't know if this applies to you though? But would you be prepared to physically look after your in laws in their old age? If yes then probably YANBU. If no then YABU.

oikopolis · 08/02/2012 17:28

i think in Western cultures, it's reasonable to expect to become less hands-on as children reach their mid- to late-twenties.

YAB quite emotional about it, sounds like. Which is fine.

My MIL drives my DH to drink with her meddling and passive-aggression, so that's what's colouring my view. (MIL was Supermummy when her kids were small but seems intent on continuing that now that they're reaching their 30s.) My mother is completely hands-off, almost to a pathological degree, but I admit I prefer it that way. If my mother was anything like my MIL I would end up cutting contact with her, I wouldn't be able to bear it.

cheekyseamonkey · 08/02/2012 17:34

I'm with worra. My folks love my dd & are excited by bump, but are also excited about finally retiring after a life of working extremely hard from 15 & 16, caring for me & db, not to mention their own infirm parents.

I'm a long way away, so they do get the perfectly engineered Christmas morning magic without the constant crappy nappies. They get to feed chocolate & other crap within reason because they're not so involved.

My mil lives for her other GC, interferes daily & her dd is just about ready to kill her!

suburbandream · 08/02/2012 17:35

I wonder if they will wish they hadn't been so hasty when they are old and infirm and need your support OP. Perhaps you'll only want "perfectly orchestrated grandparent moments" by then too, not having to do their shopping, help them to the GPs etc etc etc. I can joke about it with my dad, but I do remind him that I'll be the one chosing his carehome Grin Seriously though, it's their decision but I know that I will want to be there for my DCs through thick and thin.

fuzzPigwickPapers · 08/02/2012 17:43

Lesley I am dreading the idea of looking after my parents when they are elderly... I would resent every second of it because of their spectacular lack of parenting to me even as a child.

(I realise my issues are not really the idea of this thread so I'll shut up now)

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 17:44

My kids constantly remind me that they get to choose my old age home :o

Ingles2 · 08/02/2012 17:48

sorry jins I went to start dinner... they went out most saturday nights with their friends, to the pub or for a curry.
I haven't been out with dh on a sat night for about 4 years.
That's fine, our decision, we chose to live in the middle of nowhere but it makes me sad that the boys are not getting those great family times that I had...
Also it's maintaining the relationship, When you see someone so little, speak to someone so little, share so few experiences how do you keep a connection going? Because currently I feel absolutely nothing for my parents at all.

molly3478 · 08/02/2012 17:50

'To be fair OP, when your children become adults...you still love them but it's a slightly different kind of love.

You don't lay awake at night worrying about them (unless they have real problems) like you did when they were children and went on a sleepover or residential school trip.

You don't tie yourself up in knots if they're not getting their 5 a day or if they've fallen out with their best friend.

You don't love them any less, but you are (or should be) perfectly able to enjoy your retirement by travelling around the world or doing whatever your want...and keeping in touch via telephone or any other means until you're able to visit and catch up in person'

I think this all depends on how close you are. i know my mum and dad do all these things and we are in our 20s. I think they will still worry like this when we are 50! Some times it can be annoying but I wouldnt have it any other way. I feel sorry for people who dont have much contact with their parents, and couldnt imagine having parents who didnt want to do lots with gcs or them. Your mum and dad should always be there for you no matter what the trouble and vice versa as blood is thicker than water and family is very important imo.

JoandMax · 08/02/2012 17:51

I can see your point having experienced similar with my in-laws. They are lovely people, we get on great but my MIL has very firmly made the point she doesn't wish to be a hands on grandparent. I have no issue with this at all, but I do find it a bit sad she knows so little of our lives. FIL is better, he rings once a week to get all our news but MIL can go months without speaking to us.

I remember a conversation with her when I was pregnant where she told me FIL always came first and she always loved him more than her children as he would be there when they left....

It was also very hard when DS2 was newborn and very ill (life threatening stuff) and DH had no support from them at all, they never offered any support, practical or emotional which I cannot understand.

I want my DCs to be independent, live their own lives, learn by mistakes but could never sit back and do nothing when they're going through hard times.

lesley33 · 08/02/2012 17:51

fuzz - You are not obliged to you know, especially if they did little for you as a child.

I only mentioned it as ime the people with the greatest sense of entitlement in regards to how their parents should help them, rarely return the favour.