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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

390 replies

ChristmasPlughole · 07/02/2012 21:48

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

OP posts:
cricketballs · 08/02/2012 22:39

is it just SAHMs you winder about? I work full time (teacher) and my dh often works away. He has been away since xmas (comes home at weekends) and this will continue for the next 2 months.

I 'enable' him (hate that phrase by the way) as this is his job. I knew this before we got married and started a family and we often have a year when he is working locally but, as this year so far goes, we also have long periods where he has to work away.

We do this because -

  1. he loves his job - he has worked in the 'one place' for 18 months but it gto frustrating for him as it was mundane and bored him to death

  2. I am more than capable of looking after the kids! I do plead on occasion for either my DP or DPIL to feed us as I want a break and I find that this is a positive as it gives all of us a break from the routine

  3. We as a family wouldn't be happy if one of us was 'sucking it up with work' just to ensure that everyone was home in the evening.

I would prefer my DS to see their father enjoying his work whilst providing for his family and making the most of his time with us rather than stuck in job he doesn't enjoy just to make sure he was there to help with the evening meal....

Jajas · 08/02/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

westcoastnortherner · 09/02/2012 03:05

My DH works 1300kms away in the week and flys back at the weekend, I have NO family or support network where we live, its not easy but we have no choice.

ToothbrushThief · 09/02/2012 07:48

I think it was a valid question by the OP and has been answered.

Lots of SAHP's were claiming a 'wage' for facilitating partners job spent away from the family. She merely asked wouldn't they prefer him to be at home with the DC more?

The answers have been in no particular order:
They love the job
There isn't a 'part-time' version of the job
They can't both work because it's their choice to not use childcare so one parent has to be at home
Disabilities force the decision
Finances force the decision.
It works for them because the WOHP wouldn't be fulfilled at home and the SAHP quite enjoys the part-time relationship?

A court recognises the financial input of a SAHP by awarding spousal maintenance to SAHP on divorce to compensate for lack of a career. I do however question the phrase 'I earn' in relation to another's wage. If you went into a job and they asked what your previous wage was and you quoted someone else's but explained it was because of your supportive role... they'd raise an eyebrow.

Rationally if you think you are earning £40K because DP does, then presumably you are being taxed on £80K? or you consider you both earn £20K.

Most jobs are awarded salaries based on an evaluation of like for like work. Do SAHP married to £80K WOHP think they do a better job of being a SAHP than one married to a £40K WOHP?

Morloth · 09/02/2012 08:18

Fuck, I hope DH doesn't retire early.

I think our marriage works so well because we don't see that much of each other, we are both prefer to be alone a lot of the time.

Our limit of total all day togetherness is about 2 weeks, after that we are ready to kill each other.

I don't think he plans to retire at all, he was muttering something about consulting the other day when the mortgage is gone, so that might be the plan.

I like to spend time with my Mum as do my sisters and my nieces are all pretty close to my sisters, so I know plenty of young adults/adults who like to hang out with their parents.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 09/02/2012 09:10

i think the hanging out with the olds thing goes in phases. I didn't spend much time with my parents from around 15-25 but then we gradually got closer again. Still don't see them that much as we live overseas, but I consider them good company now as opposed to social death. Tbh when I was referring to the benefits of early retirement I was thinking about time with one's partner as opposed to the kids (as per the OP). When I'mm 55 the kids will be 20 and 18 so I imagine they'll be doing their own thing

Scholes34 · 09/02/2012 09:34

westcoastnortherner - just interested - what keeps you where you are if you're away from family AND DH is working 1,300 km away from where you live?

legallyblond · 09/02/2012 11:34

Exactly porcamiseria! Our priority is for our kids to have a SAHP. Our jobs mean that the SAHP is always going to be DH - if I were at home and he worked, we would be broke (literally - no house!). I guess DH "enables" me to work long hours... but that is a way I would never, ever look at it, OP. I see it that by working very hard away from home myself (its not that bad, I do have all weekend with DD!), I enable our children to be looked after by a SAHP (like I said, a top priority for us) and be privately educated. I don't understand OP's view point if I'm honest! I would always choose one parent working (hard/long hours) and one parent at home full time over and above both parents working in less demanding, less well paid jobs (and the DC therefore having to go to nursery etc... Confused). But I am aware that our set-up wouldn't be to everyone's tastes...!

westcoastnortherner · 09/02/2012 14:54

We emigrated to Canada, we were together as a family for 2years, and then the project DH was working on finished. the company then moved him to another project 1300kms away, which again will finish this summer. We didn't move as I at least have some friends here, and he couldn't move companies due to visa restrictions.

We are hoping to move together as a family again in the next six months.

crje · 09/02/2012 15:14

My dh works out of 3 locations Bristol-Belfast-London
I bassed myself near my family and suppost structure and dh was happy with that-It is neither of the afore mentioned places !!!!!!!
He travels mon-thurs-works from home Fri.
From 4pm on Friday till bedtime Sunday he is 100% in dad/husband mode.
When he was home every night he found it hard to switch off and was less hands on as he was putting in the 'time'
The quality v's quantity has been great for us......
His work life/home life has such clear lines there are no grey areas..........
I miss him most during school holidays-term time its fine. The kids have a great relationship with him and so do I .

Id never give a second thought to anyone elses set-up ..........think the op is NBU but think she does have a small mind if she thinks we should should all be like her !!!!!!!!!!!!

CamperFan · 09/02/2012 17:15

I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive

Right, so it's OK for both parents to work all hours? Confused Have you ever considered that maybe one person does that stressful job with long hours so that the family doesn't have to struggle in that way?

sheeplikessleep · 09/02/2012 17:28

DH could earn twice as much working contract jobs and would mean a lot of time away from home.

But he earns a decent wage now, out of the house 8-6 every day. Sometimes more / away a couple of weeks a year for conferences.

I work for myself, self-employed part-time 2-3 days a week, but need him to have flexibility to allow me to work (and pick the kids up as and when I can't).

If he worked more (and earned more), I wouldn't be able to work, as we'd both have to work into the evenings. Financially, it makes sense for him to have regular hours and me self-employed. Practically, he enjoys working 40 hour weeks and seeing the kids over and beyond that. He has always claimed he wouldn't want to work a lot more. Fair dos. I personally enjoy working for myself and enjoy the independence that gives me.

But horses for courses and all that. At the moment, I'm working all the hours and we won't get any 'family time' this weekend, but next month is quieter.

We both work to not be stressed about money, give DS1 and DS2 the holiday each year, overpay on our mortgage and save for DSs education (probably not private, but tuition if needed / and university in the future).

But whatever is right for the family. What works for one family isn't going to work for another.

marriedinwhite · 09/02/2012 19:45

We didn't chose to have one high earning parent. At the beginning I was the higher earner but we had the means for me to stay at home and that is what I wanted to do at 35 and having achieved a lot career wise. DH is inspired by work and is exceptionally good at it. When the dc were born (they are 17 and 13 now) there was never any guarantee that he would end up with a huge income. He did, the fact that I supported him to do so intellectually and socially and by making sure he didn't have to worry about home stuff may have helped. If he didn't earn a massive amount I might still have done exactly the same and in the early days it was good but not massive but I would have done it because I love him and I wanted to be with the dc as much as possible and to be a home maker.

seeker · 09/02/2012 22:04

We Didn't choose to hqv one high earning parent either. We chose to have an adequate income for a family earned by one parent and children cared for by another parent. Both of us "enabled" the other to do this. Because we agreed that that was how we wanted to raise our children. It was a joint, careful though out decision. Either of us could, actually, have been th money earning partner, but I played the lactation card and grabbed the better, more interesting and challenging role.

marriedinwhite · 09/02/2012 23:51

Seeker, it sounds as though we made exactly the same choice.

4madboys · 10/02/2012 08:43

what seeker said!

Popbiscuit · 10/02/2012 11:45

Perfectly articulated by seeker.

jcscot · 10/02/2012 18:47

Seeker, that was behind our decision as well - that we thought it the best way to raise our family (NB - this is not a judgement on anyone else's decision BTW!). Given the realities of my husband's chosen profession, it made perfect sense for me to stay at home and I have to say that it suits us down to the ground.

Original poster
ChristmasPlughole · 10/02/2012 19:26

I posted this then got distracted by RL. Crikey! Off to read it now.

OP posts:
MissBetsyTrotwood · 10/02/2012 19:35

DH's job pays really well at the moment. This time next year it might not. Now's not really the time for a career change, no matter how inconvenient his work is... And what seeker said. Grin

SarahLundsredJumper · 10/02/2012 20:41

I think lots of parents would like to actually have a choice for one parent to earn the money and one parent to SAH .(conversely some would never choose this)
The reality is for many people given the current economic climate ,that this is impossible.Some parents dont have any choice but to both WOH or if circumstances and childcare costs are too high - give up a job/carer they love.
If I had children now as opposed to 18 years ago I would be making very different choicesbased not on my ideals but on economics .

SarahLundsredJumper · 10/02/2012 20:42

career not carer Blush

elvisaintdead · 10/02/2012 20:52

IT's not about one person allowing the other to do anything, it's about mutual respect and what works for each family unit. Some people want to have one parent at home full time and this means the other has to work longer hours so that can be the case. Maybe it's to pay the mortgage or maybe because they value nice holidays or private education...what difference does it make?

For me, I am the main earner and DH is a part time student. He wanted a career change and needs to study. I work close to home and have good hours so I can spend lots of time with my family BUT in order to support everyones needs (and a few wants) I do have to stay away from home SOMETIMES. It's not ideal but what situation is? I miss my kids when I am away but I am here most of the time and there has to be a balance.

Also, if I am going to go to work I want to progress and be the best that I can be, so yes my career is important as well.

It's all about balance - each family has to work out what's best for them and sometimes you have to try it and see and if it's not right then you tweak it a bit here and there as a family unit.

Why are you judging OP?

MollyBroom · 10/02/2012 21:18

There is a big leap from earning 14k to earning a six figure salary . There are plenty of memories that can be created with two people earning in the region of 30 - 40k each.

I can't imagine an experience or memory that could be more valuable than having time with my husband and our children all together .

SarahLundsredJumper · 10/02/2012 22:24

Molly I have to agree .
DH and I have always shared the care of our DC and worked different shifts - usually 12 hour which has meant that we both have 3-4 days off each per week. ( I also had 2 x 1 year mat leave).
We are only able to do this and have not paid for childcare because our jobs are very flexible and include shift work.
We are now in senior positions and earn 30- 40 K each( depending on shifts worked) whilst actually only working 3 - 4 days a week .
Our Dc are late teens now.
The usual working model though is not based on flexible working and is 8-6 plus unpaid overtime and commuting added .Though people say its their choice I often wonder whether it is actually a choice for one partner to WOH and one to SAH.
Acknowledging that sometimes its very difficult - see my post above about the difference a few years would have made.