To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

[ChristmasPlughole]

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

DH works long hours (although often works at home, so he spends a lot of time with DD - he just logs on after she's gone to bed). He is also away overnight quite often (maybe 2-3 times a month).

I am not technically a SAHP as I run my own business from home, but I don't work regular hours and most of my client appointments are at weekends, so I do pick up the slack at home and 'enable' DH to work as he does. Why? Because he loves his job, it's what he wants to do, it enables us to live in a niceish house and lets me do my own thing with my own business (which won't make a profit ever for ages yet). It suits us.

I would like him to be at home more, but to be fair he sees plenty of DD - we just don't have as much 'couple' time as I would like, because I work in the evening after DD has gone to bed and am usually working most of Saturday most weekends.

Maybe its the best decision for their family and you dont know all their financials or motivations. Maybe its short term. In our situation my partner would be depressed doing a pish job for pish money, so the sacrifice seems worth it for now.

In our case - I sort of fell into the SAHP thing by accident rather than design - thought I'd have a couple of years at home after DC4 and now suddenly many years have gone by. And mostly I've loved it, but now I want a job and of course I have this gaping hole in my CV and skills etc aren't up to date. Am working on this. And no, I'm not spending the days filing my nails - I do a shitload of voluntary work.

So that's why I'm at home - which of course enables DH to be able to work away during the week for a lot more money than he'd get locally. It's quite a niche job with very specific experience which he loves and is good at. It's not a great solution, but we manage. We could relocate, but his parents are nearish and DCs etc well settled.

And I don't think it's done our relationship any harm. We miss each other, we always have something to talk about, we don't take each other for granted. He overcompensates with the kids when he's home, but that's a good thing.

Sorry, I think there's often a lot of choice in the matter.

I still don't really get why the other parent has to stay at home though. I mean, it's fine if they want to (and I do see why they might want to, especially if DP is not around to help out with housework etc) but I don't see why they have to? Surely if they wanted to work, it would be possible for them to do a regular 9-5 type job with no travelling?

I realise that it would be tricky to accommodate two shift workers/jobs with long hours or regular travel. But surely one parent doing that kind of job wouldn't preclude the other parent from working in a job with regular hours so that he/she could pick up from childcare?

I have a (male) friend who works like this. He told his wife that if she "refused" to work, and wanted the children to go to private school, have a lovely house etc etc, this was the downside. If she fancied getting a job, he would reduce his hours and take a pay cut. She's still a SAHM, and he's still travelling like mad - one week every month in the NYC office, Paris, Frankfurt etc every month.

Listen lazy read the threads on here .... woe woe woe - My DH leaves the house at 5am, gets home at 9pm, eats his dinner and falls asleep immediately should I divorce him because he doesnt bath the baby ?????? then surf the posters online habits - never off the bloody internet, moans ocado has delivered lentils with red beans instead of ready weaved ones - oh and possibly the MIL is a complete toxic bitch because she 'looked at the Op all funny'.....whilst asking if its completely unreasonable not to swish some bleach round the skidders in the bog because there is some newly developed pregnancy nausea precluding looking down at at a 45 deree angle ...... and a WWD IF you had PND (self diagnosed) when the cat had kittens.

And NO! he shouldnt have to cook his own dinner either !

suebfg- a lot of choice for who? The working parent who is solely responsible for bringing home the money and still manages to be in the wrong for working long hours?
Does that mean that the choice would be the SAHP also works outside the home so DP doesn't have to work long hours??

well, there are pros and cons.

Dh already commuted before we had ds, but when he was born the fact dh earned a good salary meant I could afford to stop work to be a sahm. And moving to a job closer to home would have meant a drastic cut in salary which in turn would have meant having to sell our house and move to a different area with less favourable schools etc... because I wouldn't have been able to get a job which would have made up the difference in salary between where we used to live and where dh was working.

Now we've moved closer to dh's work and he has the lesser commute and more time at home. But I am still a sahm as I am unable to get a job here, we've moved away from all my family and anyone we knew. I don't know anyone here and so essentially I am even more isolated here than I ever was where we lived and dh was out of the house for thirteen hours a day.

So it's swings and roundabouts really.

Good for you, as I say, I think that most people choose that rather than it being forced upon them - most (not all) things in life happen because of the decisions that we make.

DH was away long hours when he was earning bugger all, and now he is earning more, he is still away long hours. He loves his job, the long hours go with the industry. I'm happy that he is happy. Right now he is in Frankfurt, and phones home four or five times a day. We chat constantly. When I can, I bundle DD onto a cheap flight, smuggle ourselves into his hotel room and explore what ever far flung city he has found himself in.

In 10 years I have been at his side I have never met another family/partner of his colleagues. They just don't seem travel.

dh works long hours as he is a dr. no choice really.i am a sahm because he can get called out at any time, even when not on call. I tried going back to work but we couldn't manage to fit my shifts round his work.

Denj33 - well, that's always an option isn't it?

Exactly my point, you can't have it both ways, either stop moaning about your DP working long hours to enable you to stay at home or go and get a job. I just didn't like the tone of the question "SAHP "enabling" their DP to work long hours??
It seems a bit backward to me lol

Top 5 regrets of the dying.

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

1. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

My DH works away from home quite a bit, not all the time, sometimes he works from home as well, his working pattern is quite eratic. He had this job before we had dc.
He could get a 9-5 and be out the house from 7am-6pm every day (he'd have to commute to nearest city every day then). He would also take a huge pay cut to do this and I would have to work as well.
We decided that it was better to have 1 parent at home with the children all the time than to have 2 parents working and children in daycare.
I think it has worked for the best.

Not all jobs have a half-size version. The alternative may be to do something you arent good at or suited to. Is that really a choice?

Can't answer as I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't enable my dh to be away from his family for long hours. I also, health willing, wouldn't give up my job.

So, I guess YANBU for wondering. For me it would be miserable.

I'm sure a lot of family "breadwinners" wish they didn't have to work so hard and that their DP would get a job (if only to pay for the Ocado delivery :)

"But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?"

Your OP is incoherent at best. But I'm assuming that the question is 'why don't both parents work more sociable hours and use childcare?'

To which the answer would probably be 'because some families would prefer to only have one working parent and not have to use childcare'.

Or am I being obtuse?