To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

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OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

seeker for lots of people looking after DC just isn't fullfilling. Or it's not enough in its entirety.

I've been lucky enough to work and SAH in essence. But if I couldn't have carved out a career where I could work at home around the DC I don;t think I'd have been satisified with just the SAH part.

It's lovely that you've a. foundit a pleasure and b. been able to do it...but you can surely see it's not for everyone? Your DH being one of them presumably?

Haha, wordfactory!

See, my parents never told me I should think of a career I can fit around school term times. Maybe they should have.

Actually, we did have a maths teacher who discouraged girls from studying accounting and finance, because of the long hours those jobs entailed...we were all outraged, of course.

Let's shit on the SAHM again eh. I stay at home NOW, will I be at home in ten years, probably not, it suits us now, my DH's earning power far outweighs mine so I stay at home.

My DH may phone me up at 10am and say that he has to fly out to Amsterdam or Belgium, he was in Italy last week sipping Chianti on a hillside and he is taking delivery of his new motorbike today so I don't feel that sorry for him.

As for women not knowing about work, ha ha fucking ha, like those of us who stay at home have never worked or have no ambition. Two of my friends have recently gone back to work after 10 plus years, one as a flight attendant and one is joining the police, two amazing women who were SAHMs for years.

Your OP is very insulting to those of us who stay at home through choice because it is the best thing for our families.

to us the money is not so important, so hubby has a 9 to 5 ish job with flexitime. Have 2 kids, so I took on term time, extremely part time work + house/garden/car/kids/pets/banking/holiday booking etc - so we can spend time together on evenings and weekends without either of us having to do "housework" during our family time.

We have enough money to live on and save some, because we chose this way of life - we will never have a big house and "big" holidays or a brand new car - but the time together as a family is more important to us than those things.

Pagwatch makes a good point upthread. Many very high earners (to whom I think the OP was referring) may well be retired by 55 whereas people on lower salaries might be working till they're 70, so maybe the amount of time off to spend with family will actually even out over a lifetime

So it's hardly impossible to both have careers, but it can be very difficult and stressful. Some people would rather just have less strain on the whole family.

Yes, this too. Good point.

It makes it sound as if working long hours and travelling is a good option. It isn't one I would want.I feel very lucky that I could stay at home while they were little-I can't think of anything that beats it! Someone needs to earn the money and I am grateful that DH was the one who actually wanted to do it.

welll my dp works long and anti-social hours, evenings, weekends (he only gets one wkend off a month) also overnights at least a few times a week. he isnt paid brilliantly at all, but he is paid enough and he loves his job and is bloody good at it (works in a childrens home) we both always wanted 4 children (we have 5, one is our bonus baby!) and we agreed from the outset that we wanted one parent to be a sahp, we were at uni when we met and as we had ds1 at uni and then ds2 shortly afterwards and i was bfeeding etc it made sense for dp to be the one to work. then after a number of years he got the job he currently has. his shifts are unpredicable and he does rota support, is often called in or has to stay and do a double shift etc. we dont have family nearby and with 5 children its not financially practical for me to trya nd find work and pay for childcare and it would be nightmare to fit in with his shifts, which have no set pattern and can change at the drop of a hat.

we are happy with the set up, it works for us as a family at the moment, in years to come we may change things, who knows. and yes i do feel like i enable him to do what he does, in the same way as him working enables us to have a home and a car and pay the bills, he can work because he knows the house and the children are cared for and so if he has to work late etc he doesnt have to worry about who will pick the boys up from school or who will do dinner and put them to bed etc. he KNOWS i am there to deal with it and then he can relax and be in the right mental frame of mind to do his job which is hugely taxing both physically and mentally. if he was worrying about the our children, he wouldnt be able to take care of the children he does look after at work. and believe me they need someone who can give 110%!

DH and I do exactly the same job but for different organisations. DH's job is much more high profile (and much better paid) but involves a commute.

My job is interesting, decent salary, decent pension, very flexible and minimal commute. We do have to rely on (excellent) professional childcare but I am at home 2 days per week and can do the school run every day.

It would be nice if DH was home a bit more but we have the same amount of down time at evenings and weekends so it would just be nice to have the extra companionship really but I'm not that bothered. I quite like being able to have the time to spend with the children in the evening, doing most of the bedtimes and dinner etc. We both get up to the DCs in the night so all in all, we're pretty fair.

As someone said above, I don't think the issue is as much with partners who work long hours as where there is an imbalance in the amount of work done by both parts of the couple or a perception by a WOH partner that the SAH partner is not doing anything because they are not earning a salary.

Another single parent here, who would love a sahp. Free childcare - how fantastic. I would save myself a fortune. Oh the perks are endless. I might get dinner cooked for me, have sex on a regular basis, have someone else to clean & tidy. I'd have someone I trusted to look after the children. Wouldn't care if they played tennis all day & met up & lunched with friends - even the odd bit of shopping would be fine too - because it would still be cheaper than having to pay for all the jobs that a SAHP does!!!!!

It's true, it would be great to retire at 55, but by then your DC have likely left home and are busy building their own lives, it would be hard to sort of 'catch up' on family time then.

Bdrgrl sorry to upset. By dig I meant at the ops apparent lack of understanding of RL situations and decisions. It was not a critique of your post at all. If you hadn't have said it I would've.

I find it odd if they are, for example, paying private school fees. Go to the local comp and spend more time together.

My DH and I have the life described in the post. He works long hours in the week and goes abroad on business a few times a year. I do all the kids, house stuff during the week and we have our weekends free for fun stuff. It works for us and I admit to loving being able to buy what I like and eat out all weekend and go on lots of amazing holidays. I know lots of couples who manage their lives completely differently to me and they are happy. Each family is unique.

mrsruffallo - My husband shares the school run to our childrens private school, and takes time off to watch them compete or perform. he sees them as much as he would do if they went to the local comp. He also gets a lot of holiday entitlement as a company director, (a lot more than others in his office, or those in his team) so we take FAB family holidays, to justify the time when he isnt home, so he has even more quality time with the children.

Because he does his fair share of the school run, he probably sees them more than if they walked to the comp here or walked back.

We dont want to send our children to the local comp thank you very much.

RealLifeIsForWimps Wed 08-Feb-12 11:52:44

Pagwatch makes a good point upthread. Many very high earners (to whom I think the OP was referring) may well be retired by 55 whereas people on lower salaries might be working till they're 70, so maybe the amount of time off to spend with family will actually even out over a lifetime

This is definitely the case for my friends. He, by his own admission, prefers children once they are older. And he will be able to retire early so will have plenty of time and money to spend with his teenage/20-something children.

Traveling in your job does not automatically equate to high pay. DH's job means he travels, a few nights away a month, some long evenings etc. But this does not eman her earns a fortune. No set times or dates for this travel, which means it would be hard to plan childcare if I too worked eg: if he were to pick up the children every Wens and Fri from after school club but had to travel one week and I was at work also, who would pick up the children? Santa? He does work from home too and can take and pick up the children from school sometimes, so it all balances out.

I love taking and picking up my children every day. My choice.

Tis a lovely quaint idea that travelling husbands earn lots so SAHM can have more Coata coffees and husbands miss out on family time as a result.

Poppycock in general I'm afraid.

And some people have things that are more important to them than being able to watch telly together of an evening

This.

Dh has always worked long hours since the day I met him. In fact it was an indication of how our relationship would go that we met doing overtime and he got called into work on our first date. Why would having children change that ?

My dh also plans on being retired by the time he is 50. (that is nothing to do with liking the children when they are older etc) it was his plan when we met. When we met his actual plan was to never marry, as he thought no one would put up with his ambition.

" mrsruffallo - My husband shares the school run to our childrens private school, and takes time off to watch them compete or perform. he sees them as much as he would do if they went to the local comp. He also gets a lot of holiday entitlement as a company director, (a lot more than others in his office, or those in his team) so we take FAB family holidays, to justify the time when he isnt home, so he has even more quality time with the children.

Because he does his fair share of the school run, he probably sees them more than if they walked to the comp here or walked back.

We dont want to send our children to the local comp thank you very much."

Why do people care what works for other people? Surely it's up to the individual family as to what works for them?

I've been a SAHM for over twenty years. It was a decision made partly because my firm were about to make a lot of people redundant, so I knew my job was at risk. I worked for twelve years, the last five of which were in a very demanding job, so I do know about the 'work' thing.

If I'd wanted to work, my husband would have done everything in his power to help. But his job was pretty inflexible, and mine was totally inflexible, so one of us had to give. It made financial sense for it to be me, as I earned half what my husband did, and I've never regretted it.

My husband works away a lot, and also works long hours. No family around, no back-up for child care, no-one but me. I've enabled him to have a successful career, to have nothing to do when he's home but enjoy his family (ok, he does cook and do DIY at weekends) and not have to worry about stuff.

Since my youngest started school, I've done voluntary work. I do a lot of it. The best of it is that I know I am making a difference and that I get satisfaction out of it. I could go back to work, but we don't need the money, I would be taking a job that someone else needed more and I wouldn't be able to just go away whenever I want to stay with my husband (which I can do now some of mine are grown-up). I'm always, always busy.

I didn't go into our marriage expecting to be alone as much as I have been, and the first few years weren't easy, but we've come out of the other side and I have a lovely life. I don't think our children feel neglected by their Dad being away as I've always been there.

ForrestGump-sorry, I was referring to people who spend a lot of time away from home and work long hours- not your DH by the sound of it if he shares the school run equally and is involved in DC's schooling so much

There is no such thing as quality time btw
Try the local comp- I betyour children will thrive!!

Mrs ruffalo, education may be lower down your priority or you may live in a more fortunate borough. Our local comp has mediocre results at best. I'd prefer to see dd an hour less per day and be able to afford her the best education I can find.

As for not finding it fulfilling. I'm sure some childminders and nannies find it more than I do. I have found it fun for a year but pretty routine and repetitive. I have a cleaner so have done no housework really but the baby time has been a bit groundhog day. Lovely to bond and cuddle and feed etc but day in day out in the same places doing similar things has numbed me a touch.

Destroyed, gotcha. Thought I might have taken it wrongly. Dd was not planned. I don't think we would ever have bitten the bullet for reasons much like yours. And yes, this year at home I am the one who has had to book carpenters, plumbers, carpenters, doctors etc. I hate those tasks.

What does FAB stand for- Far AwayAbroad? Fat Ass Beach?