To wonder why SAHPs enable their OH to 'do long hours' and 'travel a lot'

[ChristmasPlughole]

OK so it is a thread about a thread but on the SAHPs don't earn the income, their dps do thread, lots of mners are saying 'dp can only earn lots of money if I stay home with the kids so they can travel/ work late'. And the implication is that's OK as they earn lots of money.

But why? Would't you rather have less money but bring your children up together?

What is the extra money for?

It's an honest question, I have friends who are almost 'single parents' during the week and their dps travel a lot too. And they have lots of money. But it seems such a lonely existence.

(I am asking about couples who choose to have one high earning parent - not couples who work all the hours god sends to survive).

I don't get it. I love dp and would hate him to do long hours and have two weeks go past before we spent a nice evening together.

It seems so Victorian.

When i say i feel uncomfortable, i mean I feel uncomfortable that he has to support us so heavily due to me being a Carer and because I am a carer my options workwise are seriously limited.

LeQ

DHs parents moved when he was in the Navy....he still found them, and so did the rest of the regiment

BasilRathbone Wed 08-Feb-12 13:47:44

LOL at the idea that teenagers and young twenty-somethings are going to want to spend time with newly-retired parents.

Well quite. And he won't want the grandkids hanging around all the time either. Not that he'll have to see them much from his villa at the country club in Spain.

I'm not jealous of them, well perhaps a little at their luxury of choice, I think they have their priorities wrong but that's up to them isn't it?

bluehoneydragon, thanks! misunderstood. :)

Fwiw my dh is talking about retiring in a year or two and DD is 9.

She may not want to be seen with me because I am fucking ancient. But dh is a mere pup.

Just saying.

Some men (and women!) are natural workaholics, they love it. My DH said he'd love more kids (like 5 compared to our current 2) but he said he'd have to work more hrs to support them, not sure how as does a 7 day wk now, at the end of this statement he said, 'if you allow it'... Because he enjoys working 24/7 but he knows I don't as it obviously impacts on family life.

I'm studying for a degree whilst at home though as I'd like to work when kids are school age, I also think its good to have a plan b in case the main breadwinner falls ill, made redundant, leaves!

YANBU to wonder!

My father worked away in the armed forces for most of my childhood. I never got to know him, to me he was just a stranger who turned up in our lives every few months for a while.

My mother basically raised 2dc alone as always moved and were away from family etc. She then put herself through the nursing diploma and worked full-time as a nurse. So then I took on a lot more responsibilty looking after my 7yrs younger sister. It was a very lonely childhood. I have very few happy memories of us doing things as a family.

But money is hugely important to my parents. And now they both work/live in another country and have LOTS of money to live an amazing (if that's what you like) lifestyle.

Watching my parents always put work and earning money before spending time with us has made me think that we were just a nuisance/by-product of them trying to make their millions! I actually feel very sad about it. But I do try and remember they're ahppy with their choices, these are my issues that I have to deal with.

I have 3dc, SAH and dh works mon-fri 7-5. Earns a very average wage, and our finances is a juggling act...we cannot afford luxuries of any kind. But I could never do to my dc what my parents did to us, no matter how much I would like a nice house, nicely decorated/new clothes etc etc... My parents do think we are appalling for not doing our 'best'for our dc i.e. working all hours and putting them into childcare so we can earn LOADS of money

But each to their own hey!

Sorry, ds2 just got home.

My point was not about early retirement. My point was that the sweeping sneering ignores that people have complicated lives.

As it goes my son will want to be with us when he us when he is 20 and 30 and probably 40.

None of the decisions we make suit everyone else. Not even people in similar circumstances because, shockingly, we are all different.

I haven't read the replies and I can only speak for myself but DH's long hours or travelling aren't all the time - they are from time to time. What is the extra money for? Well, I don't "enable" him to do it because it earns extra money (though in actual fact a director's type job often does mean at times longer hours at short notice and travel) but because he actually enjoys his career. The successes and achievements make him very happy and stimulated. And I want him to be happy and stimulated, just like he wants me to be happy and stimulated, which I am.

So its not about money and its not really about one making a sacrifice whilst the other doesn't necessarily - its that his job happens to involve the occasional late night or the occasional travel which would be ever so much more complicated if I wasn't at home.

In fact I'd be more likely to not "enable" him to do it if I did have a job myself - because if I was also working on a career I'd be a bit miffed why my career should come second. So its really nothing to do with money at all but about career fulfillment and personal fulfillment.

We still very much bring them up together. The occasional night away in Manchester or Copenhagen or whatever doesn't undo all the amazing dad-stuff he does in the evenings, in the middle of the night, and on the weekend.

To be fair though itsconfusing a lot of people had distant relationships with their DC back in the day. Plenty of Dads worked reasonable hours and then spent their free time down the pub or pottering.

DH's Dad worked very reasonable hours but he says he cannot remember having a single conversation with him, or playing a single game of footie in the garden.

I think, well I know, that you can have a very close relationship with your DC even if you work long hours, but you have to be prepared to put the effort in. You have to actively set time aside and not let yourself get sidetracked. It can actually be easier to do that if you don't have any other household responsibilities. It can be bloody knackering working what would be considered reasonable hours and then having to cook, clean, wash etc on top of all that.

Yes wordfactory I completely agree. My parents were not cut out to try and do it all. They are both workaholics, but they never made up for it with quality time spent at home/day trips etc. I was just giving my experience, I know/hope most people would still try and put in the quality time when home.

And I don't want to be a SAHP foever, and will probably work full time when the dc's get a bit older...BUT I will makesure that we are near to other family, and that dh can work around it a bit so there's a mix. And i will definitely try and make time for quality time and enjoying my dc when home etc.

I know my grandparents, both sets were always down the pub every night/weekend etc!

So I think the basic thing is you're either a shit parent who doesn't care, or you're doing your best. So really at the end of the day I don't think it matters whether you SAH, or work all hours...if you're trying to do your best for your dc you'll find a way I suppose.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like you've missed the point OP, as least as far as we are concerned...

I have a job which is well paid but does involve long hours (not too much travelling, usually). DH is a SAHD. He is a primary school teacher, so when he worked, the hours were great and he got school holidays. I could have also chosen to be a techer, or now I could do a less demanding job in terms of hours... that would of course be less well paid.... which would in turn mean that we would both have to work, instead of one of us.

That is totally not an option for us as our number one priority is to have a full-time stay at home parent. That is what we feel is best for our children.

So I don't work long hours for the money...no, but the money enables us to have a stay at home parent for our children, and that is top of our list of priorities. No question.

I'm glad so many people are happy, but I still find it depressing that so many women are happy to let their DP/dh be "fulfilled and great at what they do" and not have to make any changes for their dc. Also, if people constantly have to work ridiculous hours, it smacks of companies employing too few people. I don't see why that should be normal, and their is still too much presenteism.

When I married DH I knew he was a driven workaholic with fierce ambition. I worked very hard in a high pressure job until ds1 was born. When we married (actually for all of my life) I knew my ambition was to be a mummy. I loved being with the dc when they were tiny and had a glorious 8 years at home with them. In those 8 years dh worked really hard and forged a very successful career - often 16 hours a day, often at weekends and was in court when I went into early labour with ds2.

We worked together as a partnership and now the grey hairs are taking over, he works less hard and is talking of doing other things as well as his living in the next 10-20 years.

Neither of us regret it; my only regret is that perhaps I shouldn't have worked full time since 2005 and now the dc are teenagers I am seriously thinking about going part-time.

For us it has paid off - expensive house, two dc at independent schools, no money worries, etc., etc.. and actually a little freedom as we move beyond our fifties. Perhaps it has worked so well because we have worked at it and have been happy with our lot.

BornToBeRiled I agree, and I do wonder how many people have to be working such long hours. I'm sure a lot of it is down to companies exploiting people's fears of redundancy and the recession.

"I'm glad so many people are happy, but I still find it depressing that so many women are happy to let their DP/dh be "fulfilled and great at what they do" and not have to make any changes for their dc."

I think it's important to remember that the vast majority of people aren't particularly "fulfilled qnd great at what they do" Most WOH people are doing something that brings in money- just slogging away and many missing their children very much indeed. It is, I agree, depressing that it is generally women who make the biggest changes. It is also depressing that nobody seems to think that looking after children is fulfilling, and that worth is only measured by paid work.

Actually Born to be DP has made great changes since we had DC, worked really fucking hard to be able to provide for them without accepting handouts for starters. We both think looking after DC is fulfilling, but unfortunately they need to eat, be clothed and renting a house where we live is £1650 pcm.

My DH works in a very high level position within his company. He's worked bloody hard to get to where he is and he loves what he does. His role includes long hours in the office, lots of industry events that happen in the evening, client schmoozing and almost 24/7 crackberry availability. 'Tis the nature of the beast. He's remunerated fairly for his job and, serendipitously, it allows me to stay at home with our children which is what I always wanted to do.

Also, he's freaking amazing at doing stuff with the kids when he is at home which more than makes up for any hardship I have to endure during the week. His job allows US to provide our children with the best care we can provide them.

He does a job he loves, that he will be able to progress in and that he will be able to do past about the age of 50 or so that would not have been possible doing the hard manual labour he did before. I also value our DC seeing him do something he is passionate about and genuinely enjoys. He is a totally hands on father in every way when he is here.

I also said up thread that now I am job hunting our situation may have to be re-evaluated somewhat if I find a career that I love. I feel it may have been somewhat churlish for me to insist we did things equally re work when he refuses point blank to lactate (leave the bastard) and had a good job to go to.

...or provide them .

I too agree with seeker

ChristmasPlughole has just lit the touchpaper and wandered off, hasn't she/he? I hate that. If you want to start a contentious thread fair enough, but at least have the manners to participate in it.

not necessarily seekey, we are not all down t pits!

anyway, we are all different, vive la difference!

same here legallyblonde, as a WOHM I LOVE the fact that kids are with their daddy, might not work for everyone I am sure