To despair over my mothering skills (toddler related)

[speshulbroo]

I am embarrased by my ineptitude so have changed my name.
I'm a regular tho: ham, pombears, shagging on the sofa infront of DCs etc.

I have a dd 2.2 & ds 3m
dd is understandably threatened by this tiny usurper but I'm really struggling to know how to work with her as well as looking after a teeny baby.
When I try to feed baby, dd is as distracting as she could possibly be, shouting, throwing, breaking, pulling, the works.
Ds finds it hard to focus on the feed and keeps crying.
I feel I've exhausted all the distraction techniques. Cbeebies holds no allure, DVDs of her fave shows leave her cold. Colouring bores her unless it incorporates home decor, toys are only interesting if I play too and sitting together looking at books is over in a flash as she's so manic.
She is uber clingy, I can't leave the room for a second without a complete meltdown (hers and sometimes mine)
tantrums are now a daily occurence. I tried time out but she becomes hysterical .
Dh works nightshifts and I can't risk too many time outs as his sleep is compromised. At the same time my milk supply is dipping as ds never gets a full feed and he's compromising by feeding all night long.
So not only am I exhausted but I might have to give up breastfeeding against my will.
I feel like this tiny girl has me over a barrel.
I've spoken to the HV who says that a group is starting after Easter to help parents deal with this phase. I don't know if I'll have any sanity left by Easter.
I've posted here because on the whole the aibu women are a bright bunch.
TIA.

am in a similar position and can't offer much help but another poster suggested a book called three shoes one sock and no hairbrush, it really helped me to make sense of the madness!

Thanks drbbleface I will check it out. Sorry you're in a similar situ. It sucks doesn't it? I want to enjoy my babies, not to wish the time away.
We don't have family nearby and friends aren't particularly forthcoming , possibly because she is so anti 'other people'.
There's no space in local nurseries and I'm feeling out of control!

It is so so difficult coping with a baby and a toddler. Especially with little support around you. My toddler is very demanding too. The baby is nearly one, and the last couple of months things have gradually got easier, although we still have days when it is tough. Then they go to bed early! The first six months were a bit of a blur really, and you just have to know that if everyone is fed and warm and you are doing all you can to get as much sleep for everyone as possible then you are doing an AMAZING job! One day at a time!
Is there anyway that you can afford for your dd to go to nursery a couple of mornings a week? That is what has saved us. The first week or so he didn't like saying goodbye, but then something changed, and he loves it. Can't describe the amount the change in dynamics and the extra stimuation for my ds has benefitted my family. Is there anyone in your family that could help if they knew how desperate you were feeling?
Look after yourself, as everyone is depending on you. Talk to the hv again. And the gp. Anything and everything that offers you support take it. And come on here to offload anytime, theres always someone to listen.

oops sorry, while typing that I've now read your other post about lack of space/help.

Thanks thatlldo think I'll have to keep posting here!
The nurseries here have limited places for 2 year olds, I phone them a lot, have not even been allowed on wait lists as they are so overwhelmed.
I try and give her one to one time when ds is asleep and she does love it but I'm dead on my feet.
I'm only online as I'm fruitlessly expressing: in one hour I've achieved the grand total of 1/2 oz! I can't express in the morning as dd is up from 5.30 & ds is usually already up by then. I just feel so crap. Dh keeps saying 'it's's not forever' which is true of course but I don't want to be sitting it out, I want some fun with them. I feel on the edge more than is healthy and I feel completely disorganized.

Hatlldo: how old was your ds when he started nursery? Did the staff support you in leaving him ifhe was in bits?

Do you have a 1 o'clock club nearby at all, mother and toddler groups, story time at the library - where she can be with other little ones, there are other mums in similar circs and she will wear herself out there and perhaps have a nap later. Might give you the chance to give the baby two good day time feeds.

FWIW - and I'm prepared for a good flaming - you are doing the impossible - you have breast fed for three months with a young toddler who is still herself a baby in tow. You have done bloody well and if formula/bottles at this stage give you all a better quality of life and the three of you end up more relaxed and happy then I can't really see there's a problem. I was broken hearted when I had to give up feeding ds at 8 weeks old - it hasn't stopped him growing to over 6', or being clever, healthy and sporty.

It is so so so blardy hard, my sympathies! Me DS is like this, he's got slightly better. We did:
-lots of feeding baby whilst watching telly in Mummy&Daddy's bed (big treat, mollified him a bit)
-'DS, do you have a toy train? Ooh why don't you find it for me? What noise does it make?' to distract during feeds
-playgroups/playdates to coincide with feeds.

DS still a bit of a whirling dervish and poor DD just had to adapt.
I had a crap supply with DS, eating lots of porridge and peanut butter (seperately, would be minging together...) helped boost my supply.

Hi married
I / we attend as many groups as we can manage just to getoutof thehouse and to stimulate dd. She does still nap during the day but ds's feeds aRe so messed up & he's so tired that he still struggles and keeps falling asleep.
I've nearly given up feeding but I don't feel ready to, DH gives him formula which is contributing to my milk drying up. I've seen a bring counsellor twice but she just focussed on the hold and the latch which are fine otherwise he wouldn't be a nocturnal breastfed baby!

Ooh I love porridge will try thanks ruby. Dd loves it on our big bed for about ... Oooh 30 seconds... Whirling dervish is right. The only slightly mollifying thing is jumping on my lap and stopping ds feeding.
I try and feed at groups or playdates then she won't leave my side and just whinges until I stop. She only plays when I'm not feeding ds! Aaaaaaasrgh!!!!

sOrry I sound / look obstructive but I really appreciate all of your input and ideas.

When I was in a similar situtaion someone on here suggested a sort of feeding pck. basically a collection of new, special toys that are only allowed to be got out when the baby is feeding. That way everyone is happy.

It was like a godsend in our house.

I would second formula during the day. I ebf for the first 6 months but didn't really do well with expressing so before I started back at work I introduced DS to formula during the day, keeping up supper, breakfast and during the night feeds.

Still bfing at 15 months which I don't think would have happened had I not introduced formula so I actually feel it's worked out better.

Also your DD could help feed her little brother by holding the bottle (carefully supervised obviously).

At the end of the day though, do what's best for you and don't feel pressured by anyone. Good luck.

does dd have a little buggy and baby so that she can sort out her baby will you sort out yours?

can you save up lots of little jobs for her to do ie go and get you a nappy as the silly baby can't do it, etc

sorry can't think of any thing more - but these both worked for me

ps well done on the breast feeding with a toddler

sounds odd but have you tried feeding under a breastfeeding cover? helped my ds1 forget what i was up to! breast feeding didn't work out for us for other reasons but to be honest bottle feeding ds2 is just as difficult, with ds1 distracting him.

It is hard, but now dds are older I can say it does get easier
I use to end up at the local soft play quite a lot. DD1 woulds play on her own for a bit which she never did in the house and I could sit and feed dd2. It was quite a small place with friendly staff who would even bring me a cup of tea. That or other peoples houses. Company for me and dd1 made everything seem much better.
I also used a sling when breastfeeding,I found it difficult to feed handsfree but could feed with 1 hand while walking around.

My ds was 2 years 2 months when started at nursery and yes, the staff were great. (Both with him and me!) So very worth it. Keep going with asking them for a space.
Another idea that might help, do a search, I know there have been a few threads on here in the past about life with a baby and a toddler, and there were some tips on there that helped me, and just to know that you aren't alone.
Have you got any good friends around you in rl?

My local pre-schol does a 2s (for kids who are 2 yo--sorry for being obvious) group 3 mornings a week, ask around your local area and see if other pre-schools do the same. You said you had checked out nurseries, but they were oversubscribed. What about a Child Minder your HV should hold a local list?

In RL do you have friends who have children the same age? Can you arrange play dates. My good friend and I regularly take turns to have both toddlers and leave the other one with just the baby. I quite often drop my DS off at 2pm her house and then get him back at 6pm. He will have been playing with his little mate all afternoon and had dinner. Perfect. Like I say we take it in turns.

If you want to maintain BF, then drop the FF altogether. Feeding patterns and your supply will be established at 4months, so by introducing a FF you are diminishing your supply at a critical time. I did exactly the same as you are now and my supply fell away. Stopped the FF and my supply came back within 2 days.

We're a bit further down the line than you now (Dd's are 1.5yo and 3.5yo) and life is very different now so there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel!

I used to put music on for my DD to dance to while I fed the baby and I would film her on my phone then after 30 secs we'd watch it back together 75 times repeat repeat repeat! Also have you tried giving you DD a doll to look after? My DD has never Bern in to dolls but would feed her teddy or her 'tiny baby football'

It will get better!

Wow guys you rock!
Some brill ideas. Will try the special feeding pack of treats maybe we could shop together for them. Also like the idea of feeding undercover.
Dd has a dolly which she's transgendered and named him after ds. She does help with fetching things but if she's feeling hard done by will just throw them to the far side of the room.
Of course, like all MN offspring she is a Little Genius so I really need to maximise this time by helping her to focus her energies on Latin or somesuch.
love love loving the idea of dancing and phone filming her, what fun!
The trouble with formula is that dh is great at helping out when he's free and I can go out or sleep or even wash but there is never enough expressed stuff so of course he goes straight for formula, I dot want him to feel beholden to my boobs or my emotional attachment to bfing but at the same time I feel that my bfing might end because I'm allowing a two year old poppet to get the better of me!
A lot of my friends either have new babies too or grown up kids. We do play dates but I never considered leaving one behind, just because I'd be mortified if she screamed their house down which is what she does when anybody else looks after her.
I'm in bed now with a big bowl of porridge and so much food for thought.
I know this is TMI but i am even constipated because I can't stand the meltdown everytime I go to the toilet. I can't even shower in the morning without her screaming and setting the baby off. I love her so much and hate seeing her frustrated and manic and wibbly!

I feel for you, and I am sorry you are feeling that bf is the thing that will have to go, you are right in that the more bottles of formula your sin has the worse your supply will be. Supply is also greatest overnight, I have a nocturnal feeder too and it sucks (no pun intended) at one stage I fed every hour in the day to try to reduce the night feeds, nope, DD likes to feed at night and that that.

If you really want to continue BFing then I would cut down on the formula and ask your DH to perhaps take a week off and you and your son get some quality 1-2-1 feeding time for him to boost your supply and get a good amount of milk in his tummy. Win win in my humble eyes. You can then settle a baby stuffed with milk in his Moses basket and spend quality time with your DD. Who knows you might even get some sleep too! I would also keep up on the nursery arrangements, my DD attends and adores it!

Hope you find a compromise, my best friend is going through this at the moment and finding it quite tough.

My only tip sounds a bit negative, but I found my nearly 2 year old was uninterested in a small baby. I didn't find the 'could you get me the wipes for your little brother?' stuff worked at all. Her way of coping was to pretend her new sibling didn't exist- expecting her to be caring and loving (which everyone seemed to suggest) didn't work at all. I went with this in the end and stopped asking her to participate in his care to make her feel involved. This stopped the wipes being thrown and she just played a lot/watched TV/chatted to me/ate her food at the same time I breastfed, or I walked around breastfeeding just to get on with it.

The very bad behaviour came a bit later down the line and after a year of ignore, ignore, ignore, I gave up on this strategy and developed a zero tolerance policy (1st transgression, a warning, 2nd transgression, a proper time out) which actually worked much much better than trying to ignore a small child clinging/biting/stuffing paper in their mouths to get your attention.

They do love each other now, and it does pass.

I recommend prune juice for the constipation!

I used to loudly tell my baby she had to wait because I was doing some task with my older one. Helped dd1 feel that they both needed to take turns.

I really do despair that the only 'advice' some posters can give is to say to stop bf - what useless, rubbish advice

Op I feel for you - I was in the same boat, breastfeeding my baby whilst tryin to entertain a whiny, demanding and clingy toddler - it was hard hard work and my head felt ready to explode every day but it WILL get better! X

Ardgoing you made me laugh. Am gona attempt shuteye now , am dizzy. Sorry to read of others going through it too but it kind of helps in a way, safety in numbers. Am definitely going to work harder on the discipline as the ignore thing is soul destroying.
Night all.