To despair over my mothering skills (toddler related)

[speshulbroo]

I am embarrased by my ineptitude so have changed my name.
I'm a regular tho: ham, pombears, shagging on the sofa infront of DCs etc.

I have a dd 2.2 & ds 3m
dd is understandably threatened by this tiny usurper but I'm really struggling to know how to work with her as well as looking after a teeny baby.
When I try to feed baby, dd is as distracting as she could possibly be, shouting, throwing, breaking, pulling, the works.
Ds finds it hard to focus on the feed and keeps crying.
I feel I've exhausted all the distraction techniques. Cbeebies holds no allure, DVDs of her fave shows leave her cold. Colouring bores her unless it incorporates home decor, toys are only interesting if I play too and sitting together looking at books is over in a flash as she's so manic.
She is uber clingy, I can't leave the room for a second without a complete meltdown (hers and sometimes mine)
tantrums are now a daily occurence. I tried time out but she becomes hysterical .
Dh works nightshifts and I can't risk too many time outs as his sleep is compromised. At the same time my milk supply is dipping as ds never gets a full feed and he's compromising by feeding all night long.
So not only am I exhausted but I might have to give up breastfeeding against my will.
I feel like this tiny girl has me over a barrel.
I've spoken to the HV who says that a group is starting after Easter to help parents deal with this phase. I don't know if I'll have any sanity left by Easter.
I've posted here because on the whole the aibu women are a bright bunch.
TIA.

It sounds like maybe all the distraction stuff isn't working because that is all things to get her to entertain herself away from you, when what she really wants is your attention (and for the baby not to take it from her!). Which is totally normal, and we had a lot of this with DS as well - similar age gap.

So my suggestion for fighting it would be, instead of trying to find new distractions, to try and find ways to give her attention especially during feeds. It's not easy, but may end up easier than if she's running round breaking things etc, especially once she's got used to it. So, things like singing songs to/with her (especially funny or silly ones), reading books together if you can manage it, or telling stories from memory if you can't. Or just talk about stuff (DS always loves learning about how things work, yours may well be into different things). Maybe a little snack sitting with you? "Oh, baby's hungry - are you hungry too?" Let her snuggle up if she wants, plenty of eye contact etc - the baby is unlikely to mind and may even enjoy it!

The same sort of thing can help at other times too - if she feels like she is getting loads of your attention some of the time it may help her to be (a bit) less clingy at other times. But again I know it's not easy, and it's not 100% effective either but can help a bit!

And like Hardgoing says, it does pass - we are now 2 years on from that stage and things are definitely a bit easier mostly

I agree with hardgoing to some extent. My DD was just turning 3 when our DS arrived, now 8 months. So she was a bit further on, developmentally, than your DD but she did have some mega tantrums in the first few weeks. I mean you do need to be able to feed the baby, nip to the loo, have a quick shower (though I still have trouble with this, often getting out naked midway through to check on them both). I found I had to be tough sometimes, luckily my DD is robust, it's the baby that doesn't want to be put down!

I don't really know what I'm suggesting here, maybe just don't give in to the tantrums! It's hard though, its hard trying to please everybody and sometimes you feel as if you're pleasing nobody!

mRmeek I like your way of thinking, it tens everything on it's head and might pleasantly surprise dd, thank you.
Orangesarenottheonlyfruit: that was my fave book (& series) back in the day, had completely forgotten jeanette, wonder if she's still writing, I had all her books once.

Runningwilde: I knnow what you mean, I think that people (dh included) think I'm making a rid for my own back wrt breastfeeding but I can't explain it, I really want to do t and the thought of stopping makes me cry.
Slowburner: dh has aweek off coming up, hope it's not too late by then!
Ramblingmum: we have a soft play just around the corner, not sure why I didn't think of that before. This has a cafe in a different part of the building but worth a try I could sneak in some snacks and drinks....
Boobiebrain you're riht, I give in so easily because a: I can't stand the noise and b: I can't stand the stress. So muc screaming upsets the baby and risks waking dh that she is BEing pandered to far too much.

I had it twice - as others said it gets better. But you need to get to that point! We got amazing advice that greatly helped. That is to present the baby as a bit of a nuisance. And it is true, they are a bit of a nuisance to a 2 year old. Along the lines of "dear oh dear now we have to change him, or all they do is eat, sleep, cry and poop". For the young toddler this is all true and quite reassuring. The toddler and mommy have to care for this little nuisance. This really worked for us, so much so that when the baby would cry there were fits of giggles and racing to see who could get the diaper first etc. When feeding I did the films with the phone, making faces about how you feel like angry face, happy face and so on. And you know what? If you have two young ones that age you cannot a) be organized and b) you are doing an awfull lot better than you know. Good luck!

Good morning bratingham! Are you n the uk? Love the idea of coming all the different faces and giggling with dd, she's very dramatic so I think she'd love your tactics.

Not in the UK - wish I was. I miss home. That is why I come here, for a chat!! I really will get better you know. The miracle cure is when the baby starts to smile, then it is all - oh look the baby really likes you. Toddlers love the flattery and it starts to coast from there.

It, asin IT will really get better......!

I feel for you. I'm in a similar position, DD1 is 2.8, DD2 now 10 months old. It's not been easy, and I haven't had screaming tantrums like you. It's starting to get a bit easier now that DD2 is sleeping through, having a decent night's sleep most nights makes a difference.

I don't have a lot to add to the advice here except, for those times where you really need her to calm down for a little while, have you tried stickers? My DD1 just loves stickers and they will keep her occupied until all done. I usually get her the cbeebies magazine just for the stickers.

Haven't read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating anything, my DS is 2.9 and dd is 3m here's some of my tactics:

If you can get baby to sleep a bit later in morning or take naps upstairs/in another room then you can give dd some 121 attention.

Read the same story every night gradually getting dd to finish the sentences the aim being that she memorises the story, then wen feedig you ask her to read it to you.

Buy a toy kitchen/playfood and have dd cook you lunch while you feed. (this doesn't red to be expensive mine was £25 Inc food)

Buy a doll and buggy (mine was £10 for buggy £6 for doll) and she can feed/burp her own baby or push it round the living rooming pram while your feeding.

I find playhouse Disney keeps DS attention more than cbeebies

At lunch/dinner have baby on your lap/in bouncy chair/Moses basket at the table with the rest of family, say to dd aww that's a shame baby wishes she coul have your lunch but can't as n

Stupid iPhone sorry wasn't finished lol
Can't have ur lunch as not a big girl like you.

If baby ever looks at dd say (enthusiastic voice) oh wow look at baby staring at you he loves you so much!!

Hope some of these help. I know how hard it is though and your doing great, as someone else said at thus stage as long as every is clean warm and fed your doing your job.

You are not making a rod for your own back Op, you are giving your baby your amazing milk which has so many benefits and should be very proud of yourself! I really do know how hard it is bur your toddler will learn and this is a good lesson for her - to learn to care, share, patience etc. Can you get some help from friends? Tots groupa were my saviour in the early days, just keep going and it will get better. Whereabouts are you? X

Good morning Edwardoreric, lovely idea re the story, will try t as she loves repetition. Dd is even intense re books at the moment: she zooms straight to her favourite page and tantrums if I try to build up to it, eg: Reading it in the order it's written!
She does love stickers and I was saving them fr occasons like this but now when she has them she pulls them off their backing and just sticks them onto each other in a big sticky mess. The only time they hold her attention is if we do them together which once again disracts baby.
Someone up thread recommended a breastfeeding cover, I might try that alongside activities with dd so hopefuly ds can concentrate a bit more on his feeds.
We have lots of play food, buggy etc I do those things but I frget a lot in the heat of the moment. I'm going to work through all the suggestions over the next few days and she will be bombarded with love and maybe she'll be begging for time out from intense mummy!
Bratingham I thought your language was slightly Americanized. Sorry you're homesick it's great that the Internet can give you glimpses of home. Hope you can get back sometimes. Yes dd loves flattery I am creating my very own little narcissicus.

Thank you running, I know it's the bat thing and I love dOing it. Similar happened with dd & formula & by 6 months my milk was gone . It was 'more' my decision that time but I did regret it when there was nothing left. Dd is back asking for it now and does little cute sucks just below my neck. And feeds her own dolly frm her belly button.
She's such a gorgeous girl, I've made her sound like a monster but she is caring and occasionally patient!
We're off to a group this morning & I've left her in bed playing so I have fed baby and can shower in peace!
We are in the westcountry.
You ladies have really galvanized me today.
In the voice of Cartman: "I love you guys".

Oh man I remember that. I had the same age gap. No great advice to give I'm afraid, just remember you're the boss, and don't let your toddler get away with unacceptable behaviour no matter how tired you are. It'll pay off quickly if you're consistent.

And it does get better I promise. Mine are now 9 and 7 and play together brilliantly, despite the eldest hating the youngest for the whole of the first year!

My DD didn't like the Dt's she was 2.9 when they were born. I tried getting her to help at feeding time / getting her her own baby box (nappies /wipes / muslin / rattles ) she did not want to help 'the brothers'

In fact she would always refere to them as 'the brothers' and didnt really start interacting with them untill they were about 1 and could follow her about and had better toys

They get on ok now she loves the brothers but has finnally mastered their names ;). Her bstie friend also calls the dt's 'her other brothers' for some reason but she is an only and the boys luuuuuuuuve her ;) her mum dosnt mind explaining when she mentions her brothers

It really is so hard isn't it?

I would echo what corona mentioned, where you reinforce every time baby has to wait whilst you deal with DD and being quite flippant about the 'nuisance' baby.

Have you tried a sling? We also did a lot of feeding on the floor so that I could 'help' with blocks and colouring. It usually turned into a bit of a 'oh dear, can you do better than me with one hand?' challenge.

I also found that DS1 - at that age - was just incredibly frustrated but we were able to release just a wee bit pressure by giving him control over some things (which jacket to wear, which cereal to eat and in which bowl, etc...always from a specified choice, not free choice!)

I would also just add that, if you are struggling to get time to feed ds, what are the chances of you getting the extra time needed to make up feeds, wash and sterilise bottles?

Does DS feed during the night? I remember something about night feeds being the best for stimulating your milk. DS used to fall asleep every feed - we would slightly undress him so that he was not too cosy, tickle his feet, take nappy off...

If you can manage, whilst DH is home, try expressing whilst you feed.

Try and organise wee things just for the two of you - and always reiterate the fact that although you love her your new one is such an important part of your new family too. She is young and this will pass - in a few months you will have found your flow and everything will fall into place. We had a bit of this but it is not an issue now and my two just love each other - v sweet when it all eventually falls into place. Good Luck.

Reading with interest as we are in the same boat, my DS1 is 22 months and DS2 is 4 months. DS2 feeds every 2 hours through the night at the moment which is so incredibly tiring I'm starting to think a formula feed may be the answer too.

I do find leaving the house helps! Even if just a walk around the block.

Have you tried feeding in a sling whilst playing with your daughter? Or reading to her while you feed?

Feeding will get so much easier, and in the long run, I don't think switching to formula is helpful; making up, cleaning and sterilising bottles isn't going to give you more time for dd.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your pov) I'm not in the position to be able to give any advice, but can I just say that a couple of your original comments (regarding things like colouring only interesting if it involves home decor etc...) made me giggle. You're obviously having a mare of a time with the new adjustment phase and you've still held on to your sense of humor...kudos to you for that.

Can you make feeding time special cuddle time, and have her snuggle up on the other side of you? It must be hard for her to cope not being the baby anymore, but her behaviour does sound extreme. Do you make the bfs a big deal, or is it just a case of popping a breast out and typing in mumsnet while feeding (I'm guilty)... because the less fuss you make of it the less she will notice.

Also, this will sound weird, but does she want to bf too? My son is that age and not bf anymore, but still puts his hand down my top for comfort... so maybe she needs that contact too?

no chance of making a big deal of feeding I just pop them out whenever/wherever, sitting, standing, walking, lying! I will endeavor to involve dd she's just so active!
The good news today is that I followed advice from AIBU & found a pre school in a local church who will take 2yo. Dd is now on a waiting list but don't know how long it might be. I didn't realise pre-schools still existed and this seems a very nice environment.
Dh is on rest days now so I'll have some back up over the next few days, he's right on board with boundary setting.
I've decided I'm not ready to stop Bfing just yet so am going to try & work on expressing & supply increase over the next few days.

Coffee: love 'the brothers' they sound so ominous! Glad she's a bit more comfy with them now ;@)

Trustissues: fortunately I can still laugh although it often descends into inappropriate laughter and then out and out hysteria!
Deselby: hi comrade, solidarity! Getting out of the house makes such a difference as long as it's somewhere child friendly. I really struggle with ordinary shopping trips, how do you get on?

I was in the same situation this time last year and you so have my sympathies!

One thing that I tried to do every day, just for my own sanity was to have a shower before dh went to work - tbh this was sometimes the last thing I felt like doing when I could have stayed in bed just a little longer but having those ten minutes to myself was precious.

Wrt to the feeding the thing that helped us the most was to make dd1 feel like she wasn't missing out on a cuddle, I always made sure that there was a space next to me, (with a free arm!) for her to cuddle into - sometimes she had to swop sides, but it did seem to make her feel like she wasn't missing out. We also used a portable dvd player right next to us, that she was able to work herself and choose what to watch. (Also ment that I could have mummy tv on if I wanted to! ) Bf was much harder the second time round but I finally gave up after 14 months. Definitely worth it in the end.

And this doesn't help at all, but it will get easier, I promise. Dd2 has just started sleeping - finally, and watching them play together is great.

Do look for the the positive things and remember that you're not the only one going through it!

PS Still hate shopping trips with the two of them and avoid it like the plague if I can !!

The nurseries here have limited places for 2 year olds, I phone them a lot,

thats not really the answer though is it, dumping the kid on someone else. That will just reinforce her sense of rejection

Think of it from her point of view. How would you like it if your OH brought in another woman to live with you and said oh come on, you will just have to get on and love it. Thats just how it seems to her Im sure.