To despair over my mothering skills (toddler related)

[speshulbroo]

I am embarrased by my ineptitude so have changed my name.
I'm a regular tho: ham, pombears, shagging on the sofa infront of DCs etc.

I have a dd 2.2 & ds 3m
dd is understandably threatened by this tiny usurper but I'm really struggling to know how to work with her as well as looking after a teeny baby.
When I try to feed baby, dd is as distracting as she could possibly be, shouting, throwing, breaking, pulling, the works.
Ds finds it hard to focus on the feed and keeps crying.
I feel I've exhausted all the distraction techniques. Cbeebies holds no allure, DVDs of her fave shows leave her cold. Colouring bores her unless it incorporates home decor, toys are only interesting if I play too and sitting together looking at books is over in a flash as she's so manic.
She is uber clingy, I can't leave the room for a second without a complete meltdown (hers and sometimes mine)
tantrums are now a daily occurence. I tried time out but she becomes hysterical .
Dh works nightshifts and I can't risk too many time outs as his sleep is compromised. At the same time my milk supply is dipping as ds never gets a full feed and he's compromising by feeding all night long.
So not only am I exhausted but I might have to give up breastfeeding against my will.
I feel like this tiny girl has me over a barrel.
I've spoken to the HV who says that a group is starting after Easter to help parents deal with this phase. I don't know if I'll have any sanity left by Easter.
I've posted here because on the whole the aibu women are a bright bunch.
TIA.

2.5 and 4mo here and I could have written your post. I've tried the special bag if tricks for when I'm feeding, cbeebies, stories etc but it doesn't stop dd using me as a climbing frame when I'm feeding DS. When I try to stop her she says no and tries to hit me so she gets put in the playpen. She's fine when I have the energy to distract her but until DS sleeps longer at night by mid pm we're both a bit flakey.

DH was off all of last term so dd and I got used to 1 adult per child. We're now in week 3 of only having 1 parent for 2 children 3 days a week so dd and I are still adjusting. There are some great tricks here though. A couple of weeks ago I totally lost it and.admitted it on a running thread here (c25k starting 19/11 I think its called) and someone kindly posted a link to an earlier thread on mn on a similar topic which saved her sanity a year or so ago. I'll link to the useful thread tomorrow when I'm not on my phone unless someone else finds it first.

The things that are keeping us sane are:
Lots of visits to the swings. We have waterproofs so even the weather can't stop us.
A fabulous friend who has taken to calling on a Tuesday pm which distracts dd, gives her some 1:1 time and allows DS to have a good feed
Nursery 3 days a week
A gro clock which gives me.some control over when mornings start (she's pretty good about not getting up before it for a yellow at 7) but also has a daytime nap option so I can put her down in her bed and tell her she can sleep or read or play quietly but when mustn't come down again until her clock goes yellow. I generally set it for half an hour which buys me enough time to feed DS. The first time we tried it in the day she was being a horror and was clearly tired. She fell asleep in that half hour and didn't return for 90 mins...

We're signed on to the ppp positive parenting course because I want to do it all so much better. Fortunately ours starts after half term.

I think more sleep, more hands and more gin might be the best solution though! Keep calm and carry on!

There are two main benefits to bottle feeding: ds can face foward and watch what's going on so feeds quicker isn't so easily distracted
other people can get involved in the feeds (if/when they're available)

Hi, you've had so much good advice I just wanted to say don't worry about leaving her at nursery, she will soon be running in without so much as a goodbye!

I know you want to continue breastfeeding so this is in reply to scheh not you but I can honestly say I find ff a lot easier than bf personally. Washing bottles takes two minutes and you can ff with one hand, the baby lies on the sofa next to you, its easy. Also ff babies tend to sleep through the night more so op wouldn't be so tired and they also have more of a 'feeding schedule' that they tend to stick to so routine is easier.
As I said op, I'm not suggesting this to you, I know its not what you want and I'm sure that very soon this will all settle down, 3 months is very little and most babies are easier after 4 or 5 months :)
Good luck

Good morning and thank you all ladies. 'tis hard to acknowledge you all but I really appreciate the trouble you've gone to to send me info, Advice & personal experience.

Don't worry I do not think that dd has the emotional or intellectual capacity to think that her db is like me wheeling in an OW.
I'm sure she feels put out and confused but we show her we love her all the time and a lot of the time she's very pleased with her baby brother.

Maddening: dd stopped bfing a long time ago. She does pretend bfing now on my lap for a 'big baby cuddle' wheee she does some little baby sucks at my chest. This seems to make her happy, I make a big fuss of her then shee goes off happily after.
Thanks golemmings. I kind of avoid the park unless we have company as no sooner has dd become absorbed in a game then ds always wakes up and needs feeding! Dd's fave things are swings, slide & climbing frame, non of which she can play on without supervision.
Ds is so heavy and I have back problems so sadly sling feeding is no longer an option.

Golemmings: if I can drink gin then that make things a whole lot more fun but I might not remember much about my babies' early years.

Have not read while thread but have you tried some special time out of the house with just your DD at the weekend? Always helped DS1 feel v special to go swimming with me or just to coffee shop, without baby in tow. You have my sympathies really. Agree with a PP that said that if you think the issue is just v specifically breastfeeding then it's not the end of the world to bottle feed (however it may not be that specific and your DD would be just as jealous if you were bottle feeding). Going out to playgroup a really helped too as the eldest is off playing with toys while you can sit, feed, drink a cup of tea and even have a biscuit if you're lucky.

Mrsjamin: no I rarely go anywhere just me and dd, when dh is free we try and cram in as much time en famille as possible before he's back at work but I will give it a go, a lovely idea. I do sometimes just 'pop to the shop' with her, dawdling and splashing. We both get a lot out of these little trips, lots of chats and singing. It's a nice way to reconnect.
Golemmings: wow! Just read your other thread. You're a busy bee!!!! I used to love running but pregnancies have buggered my knees and pelvis and any
impact leaves me in agony. I might research starting from scratch though as I found it invigorating and I craved it on days I couldn't run. Lord knows when I'd find time to produce a playlist...

Mrsjamin we also have long leisurely baths together when we can manage it, if ds is asleep or dh is around. We play and spalsh and sing and pour and have a reet fun time. Am waiting for warmer weather before we Sam again as she has had numerous colds and pox. Last time we swam her lips turned blue!

Mrsjamin we also have long leisurely baths together when we can manage it, if ds is asleep or dh is around. We play and spalsh and sing and pour and have a reet fun time. Am waiting for warmer weather before we Swim again as she has had numerous colds and pox. Last time we swam her lips turned blue!

Great, sounds like she loves those special times with you. It took me a while to realise that even when DS2 was not being particularly fussy, I was distracted by him, and that DS1 was in his element when we had DS1-and-mummy time, because he knew he had my attention and didn't have to compete for it. When your DS has more predictable and longer naps in his cot, you can then use these times to do nice things at home too.

slowburner total respect to you and your dedication to bf your child! You are amazing! Hope your LO is doing well x

Sympathies here, I found it easier once I stopped feeling emotionally torn between them. You sound as if you are doing really well.

I used to make a lunchbox up of snacks and drinks my then2yr old could helphimself to when I was bf and would read through a pile of books with him so he could cuddle up, but as a big boy was in charge of the book and turning the pages when I beeped.

Also if we were out and about when ds2 fell asleep I would make a big deal out of going for a hot chocolate or ice cream, cause poor ds2 can only have booby.

Made a big effort to still do bedtime as Daddy putting to bed prompted much wailing and he obviously still needed me. In the early days this meant dp taking grumpy cluster feeding ds2 for a walk in the sling with a dummy ( usually bought me chocolate though) and when we were cuddling I would tell him all the lovely things he had done that day.

ps still bf at 18mnths here, gets much easier as feeds space out

I've got a bit of a bigger gap - 3.6 & 5 mo - which I think takes the edge off somewhat. Dd1 already has a bit of a world outside of our bond, pre school 5 afternoons a week, her own friendships developing. But we still struggle, more once she realised dd2 was here to stay & not a temporary excitement. In the early days I actually found it easier getting out of the house for the day to museums, soft play etc - the undone housework was out of sight & dd2 could nap on the go. Now we stick around at home more & when the baby naps I try to spend time with dd1, or if my mum comes over I get her to watch the baby & dd1 & I pop out together. Dd1 loves her 'big girl' dates & it's nice for us to focus on each other for a bit.

I know it's not the best time of year for it, but if you can go out for a walk to the park, that really helped me in the early days too. When DD2 was due a nap, she'd easily sleep in the pushchair so I had time to supervise DD1 on the swings, etc. We'd then go for a walk by a stream where ducks were and see how the ducklings were getting on. I think the fresh air did them both good. Maybe this is something you could start up as the weather improves?

Still reading, but have you tried homestart for some help. A lady at one our playgroups has someone come and take her toddler 3-5 one afternoon a week.

It is hard trying to go places that are toddler friendly. I'm only just starting to make friends and miss being near family that I could pop in and visit.

I don't use parks that much as DS isn't the deepest sleeper. We fit in maybe once a week and in this cold I don't want to feed him outside. Once the weather is warmer and sunlight longer hopefully we'll get outside more.

block feeding isn't good for increasing supply (it is used for over supply), switch feeding is what you want if you're going to try anything

porridge helps your supply as someone has told, so will anything with otas init, e.g. alpen, flapjacks etc. I took a box of flapjacks into hosp when I had DS" and I had the same problems with feeding as with DS1.

The flapjacks helped me produce tonnes of milk and I expressed so that I could see how much he was getting. (isssues with weight loss etc).

Turmeric helps you produce milk too, I spoke to a NCT counsellor with DS! as he wasn't gaining weight (now a very very tall, extremely clever 5yr old) and she advised me to take turmeric and eat lots with oats in it. You can get turmeric capsules in Holland and Barratt, order online if needs be.

I also sometime s gave Ds2 formula during the night (kept a bottle of boiled water in an insulated holder beside the bed, along with a pre-measured container of powder. The water was just at the right temp by the time DS2 woke up hungry.) I'll be very honest and say this was to save me getting up and going downstairs to warm up EBM (you can't mocrowave it) and i didn't feed him myself during the night as he didn't feed well, although was there for ages. (feeding issues I mentioned earlier).

It also meant that DH could feed him too sometimes, and he didn't wake everyone up crying as his bottle was ready in a minute. I was more relaxed about BF and FF with DS2, was adamant with DS1 that he would only have me. But then, I had loads of time to sit and feed him (had weight gain issues with him too.)

I bought a double electric pump and expressed several times a day. It was hard hard work as I had to satnd in the kitchen and lean over the worktop, couldn't do it sitting down. However, I produced loads of milk, which I could actually see. Ds2 probably got the same from me in 3 months as DS1 got in 6 months!!

It's a hard time, try the turmeric and eat loads of flapjacks. Consider expressing and let Dd carefully feed baby?? good luck anyway.

penguin army I stand corrected

Penguinarmy: sounds as though we're in similar situ: Ds only tends to sleep on the move. Wish I could still manage the sling, he slept brilliantly in there...
Runningwilde: I bask in your admiration :@)
Cubbie: I have been wolfing down all things oaty and 'treated' myself to a cup of turmeric tea!
Sadly we have no supportive parents to help out with dcs. Help is tres scant. Am hoping that as we make new friends and when baby starts sleeping more that we can cobble together some sort of babysitter circle.

Oh gosh it all sound so familiar
My DD's are 3.5 and 1.5 now and it is so much better.
The first year of DD2's life was pretty much hell.
DD1 had such a severe reaction to her sister being born I was utterly convinced she had developed some kind of special needs. She regressed badly, stopped speaking, had extreme tantrums, would wet her pants on demand, got up all through the night and was absolutely hateful. Me and DH were at our wits end
Our beautiful angel was replaced by a monster.
Looking back I'm not sure how we coped.
I stopped BF for ALL our sakes. DD1 couldn't cope with the time involved and rejected me completely.
We got through it and DD1 is back to being wonderful and DD2 survived drinking formula

Repeat 'this too shall pass' on repeat.

Good luck.

Ilovedaintynuts: funny I thought similar things: at times when dd is completely batshit I thought I'd broken her but realised when she has both parents and all is right in her world that she is her usual sunny, amenable self! Poor little things. I kind of understand what offmetrolley was trying to say re nursery and further rejection as I see how frightened dd is and although the behaviuor is horrid, the feelings she has are very real.
I know this will pass. I have ordered a couple of dance DVDs for us to do while ds watches: boogie beebies& a tumble tots one so hopefully we can channel some of her kerrrrrraaaazy energy and have some fun together on the days I can't quite cope with going out.

Hi again, just remembered this piece of advice I have been given (#2 due next month, DD 2.4) - not sure how well it works - if DD has requests for doing things you don't have time for, you put them in a 'special box' (eg a book she wants to read, an activity she wants to do) so that later on you review the contents of the box and make time for the requests later in the day (or week if involves trips out, I guess) - it's supposed to be your promise to make time to do the things she wants when you've got an opportunity. Personnally, I can see a special box getting depressingly crammed full of promises I can't keep - but who knows, maybe it could work.

I'm afraid whena ll else failed (nutella & crackers, grapes, talking to him, putting on cartoons) I did exclusion and let ds (21m - 24m) do his screaming outside the room. I was at my wit's end but felt the baby needed the attention more than he did. Cruel choice but what can you do? Was out of my home as well which was being renovated. He settled down eventually (when baby was about 6m) and I always made sure to have some postive time with him, bath time was huge us time back then.

The first 3m were the hardest. They love each other now, always blowing raspberries across the table, making faces etc etc (baby now 10m). Wld never have believed it possible in the first 3m so there is light at the end of the tunnel

oh he also bit me in this period - the joys of parenthood! More or less ignored that or just said no biting without making it a massive issue...

Hi OP, I really feel for you - that is the same age gap as mine. When my dd2 was 3 months I was a wreck. She's nearly 10 months now and everything - but everything - is different. hang in there and don't give up bf if you don't want to.

I put dd2 in a mei tai often. (they aren't available in mainstream shops, try and get a second hand one on the internet - you can use them for years, you can put a 2 year old in one on your back, i really recommend them and if you change your mind second hand ones keep their value). Your little baby in a mei tai becomes invisible to your big cross toddler, who then mellows out, and the baby can even feed in there. It really takes the pressure off.

Your thread title is heartbreaking. this is not about your mothering skills. i think the toddler + tiny one situation is very nearly impossible.
but as soon as the baby can sit and play they become much more interested in each other and your life improves immeasurably.

don't give up bf if you don't want to, by 6 months it's a whole different kettle of fish