To despair over my mothering skills (toddler related)

[speshulbroo]

I am embarrased by my ineptitude so have changed my name.
I'm a regular tho: ham, pombears, shagging on the sofa infront of DCs etc.

I have a dd 2.2 & ds 3m
dd is understandably threatened by this tiny usurper but I'm really struggling to know how to work with her as well as looking after a teeny baby.
When I try to feed baby, dd is as distracting as she could possibly be, shouting, throwing, breaking, pulling, the works.
Ds finds it hard to focus on the feed and keeps crying.
I feel I've exhausted all the distraction techniques. Cbeebies holds no allure, DVDs of her fave shows leave her cold. Colouring bores her unless it incorporates home decor, toys are only interesting if I play too and sitting together looking at books is over in a flash as she's so manic.
She is uber clingy, I can't leave the room for a second without a complete meltdown (hers and sometimes mine)
tantrums are now a daily occurence. I tried time out but she becomes hysterical .
Dh works nightshifts and I can't risk too many time outs as his sleep is compromised. At the same time my milk supply is dipping as ds never gets a full feed and he's compromising by feeding all night long.
So not only am I exhausted but I might have to give up breastfeeding against my will.
I feel like this tiny girl has me over a barrel.
I've spoken to the HV who says that a group is starting after Easter to help parents deal with this phase. I don't know if I'll have any sanity left by Easter.
I've posted here because on the whole the aibu women are a bright bunch.
TIA.

OP, I think you're doing an amazing job in a very challenging situation....I've been there (twice now) and there's no single right answer. Its even harder as you're constrained by your dp's need to sleep in the daytime, so I understand that its harder to stand your ground with dd. So, start by giving yourself some praise for being such a conscious parent, and trying so hard....

But...dd is 2.2 - she's still little, but she's definitely not a baby anymore. She's old enough to let you know what she wants, and what she thinks, so she also need to start learning (a little bit) that she's not the only one in the family. I think its a combination of push and pull factors: you need to incentivise her (special toys for feeding time, pulling faces, making it fun) and dis-incentivise her (horrid word, but ykwim) by having time-outs etc when she is really badly behaved.

I bf dcs 1 & 2 to 6 months and dc3 to 8 months despite toddler tantrums etc, but only because I stood my ground....so it can be done! But you need to do whatever works best for you, and helps you retain your sanity, so as much as I'm pro-bfing, I'm also pro-formula if that is going to improve everyone's lives at the moment. But you definitely shouldn't feel bullied into stopping.

2 final thoughts:

Can you have a 'good behaviour' star chart or jar? Small, frequent rewards at this stage - like 3 stars = a chocolate button (bribery works wonders...)? But don't remove stars as a punishment, otherwise it just becomes another negative...

It wouldn't be a bad thing to start to combat the clingyness - either via a nursery group for a few hours a week or something else. Its all about control, and dd is exerting hers, but (contra to other posts) I think she will benefit from realising that the world doesn't end because you're not in the room, and it might help her overall 'attitude' if she isn't feeling under threat all the time.

Good luck :)

Sorry as I haven't had time to read whole thread, will try to catch up later. Just saw the bit abou the b/f counsellor not being much help and focusing on the latch. If you are seeking advice about b/f, my advice is to keep trying different sources until you find one that's good. When I needed help, I tried HV, breastfeeding helplines, etc - all useless but then I found a BabyCafe with a wonderful counsellor who was immediately able to help before I'd even finished explaining! NCT also have breastfeeding counsellors in some areas. Don't feel guilty if you need to stop: whatever you decide, you will be making the decision that is best for your DS.

harsh offmetrolley. I phone the nurseries because neither child is getting the stimulation, attention or one to one they deserve. The nursery plan is to benefit us all not just so I can sit on my arse while she's out of my hair.
Dd already feels neglected and I'm pulling my hair out trying to meet everyone's needs. She needs more space and permission to appropriately let off steam which is hard for her to do at home without me joining in. I need to recharge and bond with a baby who is getting sidelined and has feeding problems as a consequence.

I'm going to work on implementing everyone,s fantastic suggestions and wonder if you are going to follow up with anything more helpful?
consequence.

PS I'm due #2 in 4 weeks time so reading with interest. Have just ordered "three shoes, one sock.." book off Ebay following dribble's suggestion.

Nurseries are wonderful experiences for children, they get so much out of them - a wide range of activites and interests. It's not like anyone's suggesting sending them off there for a whole term until the Easter holidays! A balance of quality home time and nursery experience is fantastic - my DD loves going. Far from her feeling rejected... much more likely for me to feel rejected when she runs in without a backwards glance and is too busy to come home at the end of the day!!!

I remember wishing the first four months of my DS's life away as I was so exhausted. I reacted differently to DD than I normally would. In those four months I shouted at her and even "smacked" her for the first time. It became a vicious circle as then obviously she demanded more attention and was far more badly behaved than she had ever been. I felt like the worst mum in the world.
It got much easier after 4 months and even easier when DS sat up and could entertain himself more.

Good luck. There are some good suggestions on here that I would have been very grateful for.

Hello just wanted to say I can relate to what you're going through. My DD is 8 wks and my DS 2.3. DD is EBF and is a big girl (98th percentile) so needs pretty much continuous feeding, leaving me feeling continually guilty about DS. It's such a balancing act- I have tried pretty much all of the tips other posters have given, with varying degrees of success-just remember this won't be forever and will get better. That's what I keep telling myself anyway! xx

anunkneemouse the consensus here seems to be that it does indeed get easier, it's just so hard when you're 'in it'! Ds is also gigantic which adds another dimension to the feeding issues.
We've had a better day today on the whole, i've been more mindful of dd's feelings and given lots of praise and as a consequence we've had much more smiles, laughs and cuddles. She ran herself ragged at our group today and I had to peel her off the ceiling to get her home!

shewhowiness: It's that feeling of helpless rage that's really been getting me down, I don't want to feel like that around tiny children but it presses All my buttons!

ceebie thanks for your positive words. I hope your pregnancy progresses well you can enjoy your increased family.

Honestly sending them to nursery is not a bad thing, i worried ds1 would feel pushed out going to playgroup but it's great, he love's it (although doesn't like the drop off bit but today cried because he couldn't go) and it really gives me breathing space, he's calmer on return and I've more energy for him and baby.

Just a question for those who say stop bf - how will it help? I genuinely cannot see how changing to bottle feeding will change OPs DD behaviour. OP will still be feeding baby, which takes time, DD will still be jealous and trying to get attention

At least bf you have one hand free, you are stuck using both hands when you give a bottle. I honestly can't see how giving a bottle would help the situation??

i agree about bottles, made my life harder!

runningwilde saying it WILL get better is also crap advice. Its one of those no shit sherlock moments but it doesn't really help anybody now does it.

when did dd stop bf? If relatively recently could she tandem feed so she is still getting that closeness with you that she obviously can't stand seeing you have with ds- I know it's extended bd but 2 isn't totally out there for bf - maybe a feed at night?

when did dd stop bf? If relatively recently could she tandem feed so she is still getting that closeness with you that she obviously can't stand seeing you have with ds- I know it's extended bd but 2 isn't totally out there for bf - maybe a feed at night?

sorry double post

OP
I had exactly the same issues when I had my DS. There was about 2.4yrs between them.

Here is how I survived

1. Can you read books to her whilst BFing and explain that this is her special time or do puzzles?
2. Can you involve her in any of the helping? this worked a bit for me, but my DD was a little bit too young
3. we used to laugh at how small my DS' feet were, just to get her laughing and talking about having a brother
4. I used to use her as my confidante, when Ds was crying (often!), I used to raise my eyes to the ceiling and say, gosh these babies are noisy aren't they? But they are funny, look at how his face screws up etc etc..
5. Reward charts worked well for us
6. I also used to tell baby "to wait" as I was doing something with DD, (even tho' DS) was asleep.

Does she have enough language to explain or articulate how she feels when you are feedign DS and she is getting angry? that might help if you can explain how he needs you, just as she did and soon he will be able to play with her.

The first 6 months with two are hell. To be honest. They passed in a blur for me. I didn't give up BFing, however I had to combine feed (not for sibling issues, but due to shit body not really ever meant to produce babies and not wanting to produce milk).

It has got better, but the two of them have phases of extreme sibling envy each day, normally when tired..

good luck xx

Oh and Offmetrolley - way to go with your thinking - lets make the OP feel more guilty than she already does, nice line in empathy.

thats not really the answer though is it, dumping the kid on someone else. That will just reinforce her sense of rejection

Think of it from her point of view. How would you like it if your OH brought in another woman to live with you and said oh come on, you will just have to get on and love it. Thats just how it seems to her Im sure

I hardly think someone wheeling in another lover is the same as a sibling joining the family..

a century ago, we had extended family, community and friends - all who would take a child out of the family home to give the new mum the ability to feed and bond with the new baby, a number of other cultures do this today. Given we don't often live close to family and community is not what it was, we all need to use what is available and nurseries can help. At least in the case of the OP, give her some space to have a breather and for the DD as well.

surely you don't advocate the OP just grins and bears it OffmeTrolley? what if she ended up with PND or worse and godforbid something horrific happens. THe OP has already explained how cross she is getting through tiredness and exasperation. Space provides us with perspective, she isn't dumping a kid on someone else, she is asking for help to adjust to a new family dynamic, nurseries can help provide that space, give the older sibling some time to let off steam.

Mischief - is that the extent of your postings? Well done

At least I am not giving the useless advice of give up bf even though it is so good for baby.

And yes, saying it will get better is helpful and is these situations it takes time for both mum and older siblings to get used to the new scenario. Go and have a biscuit msmischief - it seems it is all you are good for.

Also if you want to boost your supply a baby is much more effective than a pump, look into block feeding and also (although you'll smell like a curry plant) take some fenugreek, I doubled the amount I took and had boobs like pam Anderson. Also drink drink drink (water) and eat oats, porridge, flapjacks, cake!

I am still feeding DD at 18mo and she was in a coma for her first week of life, no suck reflex, so when she did start feeding she had been tube fed and was used to getting a large amount if milk in her tummy and not having to work for it, plus her appetite far far outstripped my supply so I tried all the old wives tales to boost supply and most of the above worked.

Hi again, I posted y'day.

My DD goes to preschool 4 mornings a week, has done since DS was a few months old. She absolutely loves it there and the staff are amazing. Sorry, I don't think your DD will feel rejected if you find her a decent preschool/nursery for a couple of sessions a week. In our case, it gives us both a break from the intensity that comes to a family with a new baby. For my DD, I'm sure she feels preschool is a special place that is 'all about her', we're lucky as it really is a lovely environment.

I don't think a new baby is like another woman, sorry I don't. The whole family has to go through a period of adjustment. Eventually things will settle down and that's when the sibling bonding begins. My DD frequently hugs DS, tells him she loves him, shows him off to her preschool friends, and I've not told her to do these things - its natural and soon that'll be your DD.

I've currently got two under two (nearly 4 months and 23 months) and am pretty wiped. DS is bf but refuses bottles and I've been a right grumpy mum the past few days as I can't shake this cold and DS is feeding 2 hourly.

Will read thread with interest

Crikey slowburner that was an horrific experience for you . Kudos for even thinking about bfing. Thanks so much for the supply boosting hints. I miss my pamela boobs so it'll be fun to see if they come back!

Fillibuster I def agree re the clinginess, it's a very fine line between making dd feel loved and wanted or never letting her learn that I will come back if I go out of the room for 5 minutes.

Penguinarmy: it's so knackering isn't it? I hope you feel better soon. I got some sort of expensive antioxidant berry based tonic from boots which helped.