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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 04/02/2012 09:56

They sort of do - i.e their household income is x - it doesn't really matter who earns it if it lands in their account. I know what you mean though, they personally haven't earned it, in some situations they have facilitated their partner earning it by perhaps them being able to be in a job they otherwise wouldn't have been able to, etc etc.

If you have a certain amount of money landing in your account each month, then you know what its like to earn x amount, because you have those funds available to your household.

So YANBU but a bit pedantic, sort of, if that makes sense.

molly3478 · 04/02/2012 09:56

I think its important to share money but yes saying they earn it or are the status of their dh/dw is annoying. My Dh was once told not to park in a certain place by someones wife who saying she was the wife of a man in a higher position in the work place so she should have the space. This was on a public street outside both of our houses. My DH told her no!

ByTheWay1 · 04/02/2012 09:58

may just be a turn of phrase - our family income is £43000 - I earn a little, hubby earns a lot... we earn, we make, our income is.....

hey ho, more things than words to worry about....

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 04/02/2012 09:59

I might post on a thread about my DHs earnings if they were relevant to the thread, as my household has that amount coming in, but I would never say "therefore I earn...". Weirdos!! Grin
YANBU.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 10:00

YANBU... one figure is household income, one figure is individual salary...

When my husband gets paid, it is for the work he has done, and the same goes for me when I get paid.

HappyHoppyHippy · 04/02/2012 10:00

I think YABU to let it effect you to the point you need to write a post about it Grin

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:00

That does make sense tatty. i think I am being pedantic and possibly a bit U, but I felt there was (in some occasions) a sort of smuggery at how well they personally were doing, which didnt sit right with me and I have seen it both on MN and IRL. The sort of thing molly references.

I just think, marriage is not a career, but if you think you did well because you married someone who does have a good career / money it's a bit bleurgh.

OP posts:
PogueMahone · 04/02/2012 10:00
Biscuit
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:01

I am bored happy :)

Was pondering rather than getting frothy :)

OP posts:
MelodyPondering · 04/02/2012 10:01

Should they say they earn nothing then? Their partner earns what they do because the SAHP is at home doing the kids/house bit.

I'm not a SAHP, but family money in family money.

MelodyPondering · 04/02/2012 10:02

is

molly3478 · 04/02/2012 10:04

exactly catgirl the person in questions husband was a corporal but she didnt even have any job or had ever been in the forces at all. Both me and my DH were in the forces but were the rank below her DH and she came out of her car moaning and banging on our car window and saying my dh is a corporal I should have this space on the married quarter estate where you wee allowed to just park where you like Hmm

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 04/02/2012 10:04

hmmmm

sahm's or sahd's are supporting the household though aren't they - how could the wohp earn £X if the other wasn't there to support the family life and keep all the balls in the air. It's nothing to do with "marrying well"

YABU

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:05

I don't know melody - maybe they should say "our family income is xx" or "DP earns xxx, so our family income is over £40k" which would be perfectly fine, but saying.

"DP earns £60k a year so that means I do too" seems odd.

I don't earn what I do because DH stays at home - it has no bearing on what I earn at all - that's down to me and me alone.

And I am aware it really doesn't matter :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 10:05

Their partner earns what they do because the SAHP is at home doing the kids/house bit

I dont see that. They would earn the same if the other person was out at work too. They earn what they earn because they are capable of doing the job they are paid to do.

molly3478 · 04/02/2012 10:06

I also dont like the attitude if you stay home and look after the kids and your DH is a gp you are no more special or amazing than someone who stays at home and Dh is a waiter. You are still doing exactly the same thing either way, whereas your DH obviously has achieved more if he is the gp.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:07

I agree squeaky

One partner staying at home may affect the family outgoings as they are not paying for childcare or cleaners etc, but it doesn't effect what the other partner can earn.

(again I am not devaluing the work a SAHP does - just making the point it has no bearing on the earning potential of the other)

OP posts:
TadlowDogIncident · 04/02/2012 10:10

DH staying at home does affect what I can earn, actually. My job involves overnights and weekends away from time to time: I couldn't do those, or at any rate do them nearly so easily or at such short notice, if DH were working FT too, and that would affect my chances of progression.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:11

That is exactly it molly

I think you have put your finger on the thing that was annoying me.

If you SAH and your DP is a City Trader, you are not doing a better "job" than someone who SAH and whose DP is a shelf stacker.

The work you are doing bringing up children and running the home etc is of equal value - it is not affected by the earnings of your DP - and there do seem to be people who think that it is.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 04/02/2012 10:12

"Should they say they earn nothing then? Their partner earns what they do because the SAHP is at home doing the kids/house bit"

But they dont earn anything so they would be simply telling the truth. The working person would still be paid the same whether they were single or their partner worked - salary is based on the role. Yes they may have more outgoings if childcare is needed but still the same salary.

SilentBoob · 04/02/2012 10:13

Agree with you OP.

I am a SAHP, Husband earns X.

I do not earn X.

Neither does he look after the children full time, and I would raise an eyebrow if I heard him claiming he did.

The fact that WE have arranged things so that WE as a family and as a team get to look after the children full time while earning X does not change our individual roles within that team.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/02/2012 10:14

I wouldn't say 'I earn', but I would say 'our household income is'.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:15

I do see the point you are making Tadlow. My job also involves going away from time to time and but if DH was working, he would still be there at weekends and overnight, or I could use GPs (I know not everyone has that luxury) or childcare (if I felt I was comfortable doing that)

I think I have worked out what was bothering me though and it is the issue molly picked up on.

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 04/02/2012 10:16

I dunno. Terminology a bit weird but I do think that your joint partnership 'earns'.

Dh could not do the job he does withou me doing what I do.

Nagoo · 04/02/2012 10:16

I don't think you deserve a biscuit.

It's a perfectly valid point catgirl :)

YANBU.