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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 13:06

Self employed still produce or sell or undertake an activity that results in remuneration. There is a transaction with someone else

MoneyBunny · 04/02/2012 13:10

Gay40 I agree!

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 13:10

So external standards/expectations aren't that important to the definition then.
What about people who work in a voluntary capacity in the same role that others are paid for? Same external standards/expectations but no remuneration. Is that 'work' in your world?

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 13:13

Also must point out that not all sahp's have partners earning megabucks. We get by ok and dh tends to work 4-12 shifts so gets to see a lot of me and the children. It suits us.

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 13:17

I don't see the need to state that being a SAHM isn't work, unless you think saying it is work gives it a status it doesn't deserve.

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 13:18

And also scottishmummy what about the childminders working parents pay to look after their kids. They are doing exactly the same as me (and mostly not as well if I say so myself). Why does that all of a sudden become working when you hand them a cheque at the end of the month?

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 13:19

I don't think working in a shop is work. Not sure why I just don't. I mean people go to shops don't they - when they're not working and stuff.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 13:20

SAH IS work. Hard work.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/02/2012 13:23

Hah well said catgirl. When you get up the crack of dawn (thanks DS), and then spend the day changing nappies, cleaning the house, going shopping, entertaining and feeding a cute but demanding little being and then someone says it isn't work, it stands to reason that you're going to get a bit defensive and try to steal your DH's status, doesn't it? I mean it's one thing to say you don't earn anything but it's pretty shit to not be even allowed to say you do any work, isn't it? It doesn't surprise me that people do "steal status" when the general attitude towards SAHPs is so belittling.

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 13:24

Despite my protestations - in rl I couldn't actually give a shit if people think it is work or not. I enjoy it or I wouldn't do it. Interesting why some people are so adamant it isn't though.

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 13:28

Secretmincerinser- what an extraordinarily judgemental thing to Post- that most childminders don't do the tasks of looking after children as well as you do! How on earth would you know anyway!! Sounds like you are trying to justify your choice to be a SAHM by putting down other people.

This is all getting a tad silly. Of course looking after young children consists of work. Running a house consists of work. But it is fundamentally different to doing work which you are paid to do. Paid work is about doing something which has monetary worth to someone, otherwise you wouldn't be paid to do it. Whether its childminding or brain surgery, it's about someone

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 13:30

Oops someone paying for your skills.

That's not being judgemental, it's a fact

I don't stop 'working' when I get home from work, as I often cook dinner, do the washing etc. but to try to pretend my paid employment is the same as the work I do at home is sim

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 13:30

Aaargh!! Simply incorrect.

sozzledchops · 04/02/2012 13:31

That's why I never commented on that thread. My husband earns a good wage, not me, though me being at home has made it more possible and easier for him. Even although I'm officially a director in our company and get a good 'wage' paid into my account every month (for tax purposes) I wouldn't say 'I earn it'. Have been tempted to get some business cards drawn up to impress though, only joking!

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/02/2012 13:35

Interesting thread. I've always worked - I'm the main breadwinner - and the usual response I've had from SAHMs is "sympathy" - that I didn't "marry well enough to give up work."

DH and I both had jobs at one stage that involved odd (and long) hours, the odd weekend, and travel. Neither of us were "enabled to do our jobs by a SAHP" - we paid a live-in nanny to do the job. Fortunately we were never both travelling at the same time, or working long hours/shifts at the same time!

I do find it a bit sad when you get the threads like the "who earns 100K" one, where all these women piled in and said "oooh, my DH does." That wasn't the question, peeps!

SensitivityChip · 04/02/2012 13:39

YANBU I know what you mean. DH does very well for himself, I only earn about 20k. Obviously due to children, pt working etc which means that if I hadn't met him, I would almost definitely earn more. But that is what I earn. I wouldn't be able to afford our house, car etc on that alone and wouldn't word our household income as my "earnings" iyswim.

I also think I know the thread you are referring to and have to admit that if my DH earned one hundred million thousand k, I wouldn't be spending my Friday nights on MN talking about it Grin

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 13:41

The idea of 'marrying well enough to be able to give up work' is not only completely outdated but also rather sad as it assumes that any sort of work is, by definition, rather unpleasant, and that not being in work is, by definition, far more exciting and nice. Maybe some people had very tedious jobs pre children and couldn't wait to stop working.

I guess it all points to the fact that you're best option is to aim for interesting and enjoyable work. This is certainly what I did, and what I'm encouraging my children to do. It seems a high risk strategy (not to mention very shallow) to hope that you'll marry - and stay with- someone who is doing a high powered enough job to enable you to not do one!

ahhhhhpushit · 04/02/2012 13:41

Without my DH being a SAHD I wouldnt be able to earn what I earn. End of. Therefore it is our household income, not mine.

nkf · 04/02/2012 13:44

Do people say, "I earn it?"
I haven't seen that. Don't most people say "he earns x" or "our income is X?"

SensitivityChip · 04/02/2012 13:44

Thats my DH's view too Ahhh and I think it's a very generous one, if that doesn't sound patronising.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/02/2012 13:45

While I wouldn't claim to earn my DH's wage (I don't have his specific skills), I still maintain that he couldn't earn his wage without me. His job does require overnight travel, but not the same nights every week, so would make child care a problem. He is also doing an MBA and I know he would find it physically impossible to do his job, his studying and his fair share of child care/house work.

If I was working ft, I would expect him to pull his weight with those things. there is no way on earth I'd be prepared to do a full time job, then come home and cover everything else because my husband had to go away with work. And that's why he couldn't do his job without me being here to take care of everything else.

So yes, it would technically be possible for him to do it if I was willing to be landed with most of the house stuff as well as a job, but I expect a fair division of labour.

That said, I don't think I am any better than anyone else on account of income/career of dh. People who do are delusional.

nkf · 04/02/2012 13:51

Being a SAHM involves work. Of course it does. But it isn't a job. Otherwise, you'd have to say that a mother who works outside the home for money has two jobs.
A job involves remuneration and working to external standards, probably outside the home.

nkf · 04/02/2012 13:54

And this business about he can only earn what he earns because of me. Probably he could earn it whatever happened. What he couldn't do is earn it and have his children looked after by their mother. He couldn't be a father and a highflyer but he could be a high flyer.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 13:55

nfk - yes peple said "DH earns xx so that means I earn xx" which I thought was odd

Saying "our household income is xx" on the other hand makes perfect sense, but wasn't what was being said

OP posts:
nkf · 04/02/2012 13:56

Okay. Well, that certainly is odd.