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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
kerala · 04/02/2012 10:49

Agree catgirl though thinking you are better than somebody else because you earn more would be equally twattish in relation to your own salary - same rules apply in relation to your DHs. Although its utterly off to discuss salaries surely? To me the real outrage would be anyone saying this stuff whether its in relation to their own salary or their husbands. Cannot imagine anyone I'm friends with boasting about their or their partners salary .

antarctic · 04/02/2012 10:49

Cowboysgal

"Neither is looking down your nose at other SAHP because your DP earns much more than other DP/H"

I am a SAHM. I probably wouldn't use the phrase "I earn x" regarding DH's salary (as that's a bit weird), but that is the way I think of it. That isn't because I look down on anyone who earns (or their DH earns) less. All it means is that I genuinely believe we both contribute equally (but in different ways) to the household pot. For me it's about valuing what I do.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:49

You're right callmemrs. I think I have just seen a fair bit of it on MN and it has surprised me how much there is of it about

Do you know, I have never had a biscuit before and I didn't think this would be the thread that got me one :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/02/2012 10:50

YANBU

I'm a SAHM and my DH earns our family income

Fair enough he actually couldn't earn it without me because of the 3 different shifts he works...that would require a live in Nanny that he couldn't afford.

So I enable him to earn it and he does earn it for us.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 04/02/2012 10:50

I think it depends on the thread title. They're usually something like "If you earn X, what do you do?" or "If you earn X, how many holidays do you take a year", so tbh, I think it's fine to contribute if either

a) your household income is X or
b) you say "DP/H earns X and he is a Y

It's giving the OP the info they need.

I dont think anyone should brag about what their DP earns. However, nor, IM(old fashioned)O should they brag about what they earn

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:53

Totally agree kerala. I have just (thankfully) not seen as many people do that in regards to their own salary on here.

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 04/02/2012 10:54

YANBU

Saying 'The family income is X' is accurate but saying 'DP earns X so therefore I do' is a bit strange. I'm a bit uneasy when people define themselves through their job but to define yourself through your partner's job makes me really uneasy.

I'm not denegrating SAHP either. I know in the past my DH could not have children and do the job he did if I had not reduced my working hours.

YouOldSlag · 04/02/2012 10:58

*Fair enough he actually couldn't earn it without me because of the 3 different shifts he works...that would require a live in Nanny that he couldn't afford.

So I enable him to earn it and he does earn it for us.*

What Worra said. Would Alan Sugar be worth 800mill if he had had to do the school run, the laundry and have a hot balanced meal on the table for his family every night? No.

I would say "we bring in about £40k a year" because DH earns about 33k and I earn 7k. I do not say I earn his wage, nor do I pretend to, but neither do I present DH with a childcare bill/chef's bill because everything we do is joint and for the family.

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 10:58

As a SAHM I don't believe I help my DH to earn what he does, he'd probably earn that regardless But I do enable him to do his job while having a family. I have no doubt though that my being a home is a valid choice. It works well for us and I enjoy it. I'm happy to be there for my small children. I do class DH wage as the 'family income' but I don't earn it. I don't contribute to it or enable DH to earn it. Neither does a SAHP where the other parent is earning a lot but it is right that that person may not be fortunate enough to have the home life that they do without the SAHP

gothicmama · 04/02/2012 10:59

Our household income is x doesn't matter who earns it or who is at home it all contributes to our life plan

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:59

I doubt very much that Mrs Sugar does the school run and the laundry youoldslag

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 04/02/2012 11:00

I am SAHM by the way and I do all the childcare/cooking in case that wasn't clear.

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 11:00

Alan sugar may well still be worth 800mill without a SAHM by his side, but without the SAHM he'd be earning 800mill and would quite possibly be very lonely without his family and would rarely have a nice home cooked meal!

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2012 11:01

I don't really have a problem with this, I only see it on threads which are talking about household income (sort of "what proportion of your income do you spend on ..., and a SAHM comes on to say 1/3 - that's fine).
What annoys me is when people come on as the wife or husband or partner of a whatever and impart their expert knowledge. Not in a jokey way (there was once someone sharing the boring details about sewerage that he DH works in, can't remember who), but - you need to do X,Y and Z. And I say that as the wife of a fighter pilot. Hmm

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:02

Sure gothic - its the same in our family it doesnt matter - but I would be surprised if DH said he earned xxx, because, well - he doesn't. If he said "our family income is xx" - fine, but not that he earned it.

What I earn is not affected by what he does.

The quality of our family life and DS's upbringing most certainly is and is worth far more that I could ever earn but it doesn't mean DH allows me to earn whatever I earn and it does mean he earns it.

Again - not that it matters - I just found something odd and didnt know if it was just me IFYSWIM

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:02

*doesn't mean he earns it

OP posts:
molly3478 · 04/02/2012 11:04

I had a friend that worked as a childminder and she did all the childcare for 2 children as their dad was a single dad doctor. She was still only a childminder though and was no beter than a childminder of anyone else. She was only doing it for extremely low wages as well despite doing all early mornings, school pick ups drops offs, nights etc she was still only a minimum wage worker.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:04

Love the idea of Stealth advising on air strikes at dinner parties :)

Oooh a fighter pilot stealth... that would be DHs dream job (but he is basing this on Top Gun rather than reality :) )

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 04/02/2012 11:04

Good point Cowboys!

MillontheFloss · 04/02/2012 11:07

I think living vicariously through your OH is just a bit off whether earnings come into it or not. I remember being on a bus when I was about 15 and overhearing two 30- something women with small children chatting. One asked the other 'what are you up to these days?' and the other answered 'well, xx (DH) has just got a promotion etc etc' and it just made me so unreasonably angry! The question was 'what are you up to', not DH.

It doesn't matter whether you SAH or not, you need to have your own identity. That doesn't have to mean working. SAH is a valid role but you aren't earning so no point living through OH. You need to keep hobbies up etc so you still have stuff to talk about other than your role supporting DH.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:12

youoldslag - that's why I was clear to point out I wasnt talking about the value of what a SAHP does in terms of enhancing family life.

Just that whilst the value of what they do is enourmous, they cannot be said to earn an income and cannot judge how well they are doing as a SAHP by the income of their DP

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2012 11:13

Sorry to disappoint you but that was an example :o
DH is a software manager
I on the other hand am a high class call girl by night and a spy with the secret service by day

MoneyBunny · 04/02/2012 11:13

He works long hours and he may have to jet off at a moments notice, I stay at home, so I allow him to have a family life that he wouldn't otherwise have if I also worked........I am in charge of all OUR money and I feel I earn it, but then my DH isn't a twat and wouldn't dream of telling me he earns the money and I don't.

What I don't understand is, if you had a job working 9-5 (which you find childcare for), how would this stop your husband jetting off at a moments notice?

WannabeMegMarch · 04/02/2012 11:14

I slightly disagree with other responders.

When I was married I worked part time and then became a SAHM as it became very difficult to have any family life with the hours that my now XH worked. He would literally get up from Sunday luuch and go to work. Evenings and weekends were unpredictable. There was little routine. Which kids need.

He has a very successful business but didn't and doesn't take any of the burden of children. I gave up my career for them- so that they could have routine and predictability.
I do feel that a proportion of what he earns is at my expense IYKWIM. So I do have a claim on it.
This may draw hellfire but I am happy to debate it and clarify my own thoughts.

We are both university graduates. I dont think that makes us better people, just people who had better opportunities. I do feel that my childrearing reflects this- that I want our children to have those same opportunities. So I enrol them in classes, bring them to places, engage their minds, educate them, stretch them in a way that reflects what I and my ex had afforded to us, what we acheived and what we expect kids to have open to them.

I feel that, at home, my children have access to my capability in a way that they wouldn't have with a nanny or with a parent who had different life experiences.

I dont feel I earn my XH amount but I do facilitate it. So yeah, what I earn should reflect what husband is able to earn.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:15

Ha :) sorry I was being thick

Am loving your secret life though :)

OP posts:
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