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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2012 11:15

it's amazing I manage to squeeze in as much MNing and cake eating as I do really

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 11:16

Well a SAHM who doesn't work saying "I earn X" is just plain wrong from a factual point of view. To earn a certain amount you need to do a job that attracts that salary. SAHMs do a job but they don't earn anything. It's like a couple saying "We're pregnant" - eh no, a couple can't be pregnant only a woman, singular, can be pregnant. It's just plain incorrect.

That said, it does seem that some people believe that by saying "I earn X" a SAHM is somehow stealing their spouse's status, which I find odd. I think that attitude is only relevant in a world where you value people by the job they do or the amount they earn. I would be no more impressed by someone who is a GP than by someone who is a waiter, as long as both people are nice friendly people with an interesting personality. If a SAHM said "I earn X" I would find it a bit odd but I wouldn't judge her, it doesn't really matter to me whether she thinks that or not.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:16

It's sterling work you are doing Stealth. Sterling work.

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:19

Cailin - the reason I think they are trying to "steal" some status is because it is only ever the SAHPs whose DPs earn good money that I ever see say it.

It is always said in relation to a high salary - I have never seen said about a low one.

I don't judge people by what they earn, but I am pretty sure the people who boast about their own or their DPs salaries do.

OP posts:
kickingking · 04/02/2012 11:23

I still don't get how one partner having to travel or work at short notice would have to stop if the other partner has more reliable hours.

I am a teacher, so at work from 8-5ish. The rest I can bring home. We used full day nursery and now use breakfast club and after school club. My husband doesn't have to travel much, but if he did I could still work. It wouldn't be much fun, but I could do it. I know plenty of people who do.

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 11:24

Perhaps the stealing of status is in response to a world that doesn't really "value" SAHPs? I'm a SAHM and I have had people say to my face that I'm wasting my life, that SAHMs are boring and have nothing to talk about etc etc. I can see why someone would want to ride on their DH's coat tails in response to that. I would never tell anyone what my DH earns, never mind claim that I earn it. As far as I'm concerned I don't need to justify myself to others. But I could see why someone, in response to the attitudes I've encountered, would feel pushed into justifying themselves by mentioning their husband.

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 11:24

CailinDana sure Catgirl will correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not sure it's the saying 'I earn x' although that is clearly not correct, so much as it is SAHM considering themselves to be better,more entitled,more successful based on what their DP does

MoneyBunny · 04/02/2012 11:25

Do those of you who are SAHP have an agreement with your spouse on how to split the income in the (unlikely of course) event of a divorce?

scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 11:26

Sahp isnt work and isn't salaried
The sahp lives with the salaried adult who does work
So yes it's a bit bizarre if a sahp conceptualises it as their wage too

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 11:27

Again kickingking, I think it's a justification thing. It's totally not necessary for me to be a SAHM, I could easily work, but I don't want to. Yet people don't accept that as an answer as to why I'm a SAHM. They appear to want to see me being pushed into it by circumstance, they want me to say I have to stay at home. I don't. Not at all. It's a choice I've made.

RosemaryVonHerb · 04/02/2012 11:28

YANBU. The unemployed don't earn.

RillaBlythe · 04/02/2012 11:29

DP & I realised the other night that without me at home (eg death or divorce) he would not be able to work since the only childcare option is full time nanny, which he couldn't afford. When I go back to work I will have to do all childcare pick ups etc.

kickingking · 04/02/2012 11:32

I don't get why SAHMs have to justify themselves by saying they earn their partner's salary. It's a perfectly valid choice to be a SAHM.

It cuts both ways. People assume I work (part time) because I am career minded. Ha! I work because my brief tine as a SAHM nearly crippled us. It's all like to work or not work is down to me. Not whether my partner earns enough for me to stay at home.

historyrepeats · 04/02/2012 11:33

YABU. I am a SAHM and defintley earn the money too, without me DH simply could not earn what he does.

scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 11:37

No you don't earn the money
He turns up does his job and is remunerated for it
Salary is for work done, not a nod to the missus at home too

historyrepeats · 04/02/2012 11:38

Well Scottish you can think that if you like.

CailinDana · 04/02/2012 11:38

I agree being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice. Yet, I have been in situations where people have made out that I'm a boring saddo for staying at home. I just challenge or ignore that attitude but I could imagine a less confident person would feel compelled to defend themselves by using their DH's status.

historyrepeats · 04/02/2012 11:39

Does anybody actually do that Callin?

TadlowDogIncident · 04/02/2012 11:42

Moneybunny, in answer to your question, I accept that in the event of a divorce, DH gets DS, probably stays in the house and I'm responsible for maintaining both of them while DS is small, and DS till he grows up. That's just the way it is.

kickingking, you do the jobs you do - DH's job didn't have standardised hours any more than mine does. He couldn't miraculously get one that did involve working 9-5 in his field, because there aren't any. So he'd be looking at retraining altogether, which could take years, or getting something on the minimum wage.

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 11:42

I would never describe myself as 'earning' my dh's salary. But obviously me staying at home means he can go out to work.
Also anyone who says their salary is all theirs because they earned it when their partner is at home raising their children is an arse imo.

scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 11:46

Salary is paid for work done,it's not paid for personal circumstances at home
It's inaccurate for sahp to claim it's money earned - when it evidently isnt
Now certainly,how salary is divvied up and shared is personal business

SecretMinceRinser · 04/02/2012 11:46

Cailin as a SAHM I also have to chuckle at mums who work who feel the need to stress that they have to 'do something with their brain'. But I have also met SAHM's who harp on. in the presence of mums who work, about how they don't think you should work while kids are little/they need their mums at home etc. So there are insecure people on both sides I think.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 11:49

I think to say a partner couldn't earn what they do without the support of a SAHP has validity in some cases. For example where full time child care would not be affordable or where both would be working in careers where they needed to travel or work shifts.

But to say they earn what they do because of the support of a SAHP is nonsense. Does that make sense?

Being a SAHM is a very valid choice and has huge value. But they are not earning an income and the level of income of a partner is no reflection of the job you do at home. You are not doing better in your role a SAHP if your DP earns £100k instead of £10k. It is where people fail to see that that I get annoyed.

I do think it is sometimes what cailin says and where people are being made to feel like SAH isn't a valid choice or is in some way "less" than working, some people will use their DH's status to defend themselves because they have been made to feel insecure which is a shame. Other times it seems like very misguided snobbery.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 04/02/2012 11:50

A resounding YANBU from me - always irrationally annoys me, that sort of thing

HoneyandHaycorns · 04/02/2012 11:50

I agree that in some cases, a SAHP may increase the earning power of the other partner, but in most cases, I don't think this is the case at all - and I think people are kidding themselves when they make this argument. That isn't to devalue what the SAHP does for the children, just being realistic about the impact that it has on the other parent's career.

We have had times when both of us have been working in demanding FT roles, times when DP has been at home FT and times when he has been working PT, as at present. Obviously, we saved on childcare costs when he was at home but it made no difference to my career progression. In fact, I got my biggest promotion when DP was working FT too!

As a manager, I would promote those who are good at what they do, not those who have partners at home. Hmm Having to take the odd day off for sick kids or being unable to work the odd weekend at short notice wouldn't count against someone!

The only time I think it may make a significant difference is if a child is disabled or has a long term illness - then having a FT carer at home would obviously make a tremendous difference, as it would be difficult to hold down a demanding job while juggling hospital appointments etc.

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