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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
callmemrs · 04/02/2012 10:19

Agree with squeaky and Molly
I've never really understood the 'he's only able to earn xxx because im staying at home to bake bread/ do the school run/iron his shirts'. I don't believe there are that many jobs where you literally can't do them without a partner at home 24/7. Almost every job can be combined with your partner also working- you arrange appropriate childcare and get on with it. I can see that in very unusual situations, eg if you both had jobs which involved being on call at night or something, then it might be tricky to both remain in that career. But for most people, having one parent at home is a choice; it's not because one partner literally cannot do their job unless the other partner stops work

I think in the situations the op describes, it's usually where the woman perhaps has low self esteem and is living vicariously through her husband. It's rather like those women who boast endlessly about how little johnny is doing at school, or how he's got into a top university... Women who are achieving something in their own right don't need to do this.

I would imagine a SAHM who is perfectly confident in her own abilities and position would be very happy to say 'my dh earns xxx'. So YANBU op

kickingking · 04/02/2012 10:20

I was a bit suprised by that too. As we both work, I would say our household income is x. But I wouldn't say I earn x because I don't.

I don't buy the 'he can earn y because I stay at home and look after the children' argument either. I had a spell as a SAHM and DH earned the same as he does now I work. When I work, he has to do more childcare and housework than when I didn't work, sure. But he earns the same.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:21

Thanks Nagoo - I was surprised by the biscuit!

I really value what SAH people do - but not by looking at the earnings of their partner. I think how they are bringing up their children etc is the measure.

I just sometimes see a bit of "we are both SAHMs but my DH earns more than your DH so I a better SAHM than you" - and I dont agree thats relevant

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 04/02/2012 10:21

I would not say that I earn X.

I would say, "Our family income is X" and include other sources of income.

And, tbh, he is able to earn X because of the support that he gets at home. Just as when I go back to work, I will be able to earn Y cause of the support he gives me.

newrose · 04/02/2012 10:24

I'm a sahm for now and as far as I'm concerned husband is the one earning, I'm not - and I'm quite happy to say that. We've been together forever and there have been periods where I've been the main wage earner, where we've both earned pretty much the same etc . . . we've always seen money as ours not his/hers, and like everything child-related it's just a phase!

That said, I know that he couldn't earn the money he does unless I was here dealing with our nursery / primary school aged children. Don't want to go into boring details of his job but he pretty much works all over the country, if there are problems he's expected to resolve them not just walk out because it's 5.30 and he's on call 1 week in 2. Weekends and late nights/early mornings aren't unexpected and tbh, irregular just doesn't begin to describe our life!

As far as I'm concerned if someone needs to justify their existence by saying 'I (meaning he) earn x amount' then I'm afraid I tend to put them into the big box marked 'whatever' and just get on with my life!

TheCountessOlenska · 04/02/2012 10:24

I never can think of myself as a SAHM (even though I am) because I think it conjures up images (as described on this thread) of "Oh I stay at home with the children so DH can attend to his high-flying career, allowing us a salary of a MILLION pounds per year" etc.

My DH actually is a waiter!

antarctic · 04/02/2012 10:24

But don't you agree that it is in fact harder to be a SAHP if your partner works very long hours or travels a lot (which is often though not always associated with earning more) than if he works shorter / more predictable hours, because he is less able to support you at home so a larger share (perhaps all) of the childcare and housework falls to you?

TheScarlettPimpernel · 04/02/2012 10:26

yeah, I've witnessed this kind of phenomenon...

I think some SAHMs derive social status from their DH/DP's income or job. I have had SAHMs who've never earned what I do, or been qualified to the level I am, look down on me rather, because their DH/DP earns a great deal Grin

Doesn't bother me though, I just think it's rather hilair in a 1950s sort of way.

TadlowDogIncident · 04/02/2012 10:26

The terminology is a bit weird, and DH would never express it like that, but I don't have a problem with it.

Almost any job can be combined with your partner also working if you can guarantee that one of you will always be able to drop off and pick up at childcare (which is normally only available between 8 and 6) or you earn enough to pay a nanny who'll be there in the evenings (or have family who can help, I suppose, but lots of people don't). If one of you works an unusual pattern, or worse still both of you, or one or both of you have very full-on jobs, it's actually pretty difficult. We could manage with no trouble if DH worked part-time, but if we both worked FT we'd really struggle, especially since my job sometimes involves ringing home at lunchtime and saying "I have to go to Manchester tonight, I'll see you tomorrow evening".

squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 10:27

But a person is only able to earn "x", if they are capable of doing the job in the first place.

Having a wife who stays at home does not enable someone to be a brain surgeon.

BlueFergie · 04/02/2012 10:27

DH wouldn't be earning as much as he is if I was not a SAHM. He wouldn't be able to work the hours he does, weekends at short notice. Would need to take more time off for sick kids etc. this would have all effected his chances of progression in his job and he would not have got the pay rises and bonuses he has done. This is not me trying to big up my role it's just a fact.
On the OP. I don't say I earn DHs salary but I do regard it as my money as well. So I do sometimes say we got paid today etc.

molly3478 · 04/02/2012 10:28

Antarctic - you dh could have a low paying/status job but still be away long/unpredictable hours.

MmeLindor. · 04/02/2012 10:29

TheCountess
Yes, there but there is a bit of truth in the matter. We know a couple who both work and it is more difficult for him because he is forced to share childcare and household responsibilities.

Our DC are 7yo and 9yo and I want to go back to work full-time, but this is only possible because we will be moving close to my parents so they can help a bit with childcare. And the DC don't need so much childcare cause they are older.

I could not have done it when they were younger.

PosieParker · 04/02/2012 10:29

What an odd thing to start a thread about.

antarctic · 04/02/2012 10:29

Yes that's true - and I did say 'not always' in my post to reflect that.

TheCountessOlenska · 04/02/2012 10:29

Oh and he works very very long hours so I need to be at home. So I guess I do enable him to pursue his career as a waiter Confused

AnnieLobeseder · 04/02/2012 10:31

Well, it's an odd turn of phrase, but since the earning partner wouldn't be able to earn that amount without someone at home doing the childcare and housework for free, it certainly can be called the family income. But as I said, odd to claim it as your income when it's really not.

CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 10:32

YANBU.
To say that a SAHP earns x amount because the working parent earns that much is not on.
Neither is looking down your nose at other SAHP because your DP earns much more than other DP/H.
I am currently a SAHM and we get by (just about) yet another SAHM who has a DP earning a lot more than my DH often makes sniping comments about the fact that I need to return to work very soon. Me being a SAHM seems to irritate the life out of her because my DH earns less. She meanwhile earns nothing she does spend a bloody fortune though!

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 10:35

Bluefergie- I agree that in some cases one partner may have increased their earning power by being able to work longer hours, travel more etc, through the other partner taking more of a back seat in their career. For example, I took a slight step down career wise at one point because we moved house for a promotion for dh. Logistically it would be nigh on impossible for many couples to synchronise careers so well that every time one person got a promotion the other was able to match it.

However I think that's a very different scenario to the commonly spouted view that 'dh can only work because I stay at home'. I hear that so often and frankly it's often simply a 'justification' for being at home, not a necessity. I honestly can't think of many jobs which can only be done by having a partner at home.

Nothing against being a Sahp if both partners are happy about it and the working partner is happy to support. No problem. There shouldn't be any need to try to 'justify' it by claiming you have to be at home or your partner couldn't work!

IKilledIgglePiggle · 04/02/2012 10:35

Mu husbands job has dragged me and our DC's across the world and back. He works long hours and he may have to jet off at a moments notice, I stay at home, so I allow him to have a family life that he wouldn't otherwise have if I also worked........I am in charge of all OUR money and I feel I earn it, but then my DH isn't a twat and wouldn't dream of telling me he earns the money and I don't.

MelodyPondering · 04/02/2012 10:37

Well I wouldn't ever say "dh earns this, so that means I do" but I would class it as our income.

I work p/t in a job I hate because its flexible and permanent and means dh can work his shifts without worrying about the children etc. So actually he doesearn what he earns because of me.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 10:40

I do agree it is tougher being a SAHP if your DP works longer hours / away often / shifts / unpredictable hours and if would be very difficult to do those jobs without gpod support from a SAHP but it isnt necessarily related to income

So I do see some of the point, but I have no issue with "family income" "household income" and DH will say "have we been paid?" which doesnt bother me

It is just where one SAHP thinks they are better than another SAHP because their DP earns more that I just find awful

OP posts:
CowboysGal · 04/02/2012 10:43

I find it awful too Catgirl, especially when I have more earning potential than the woman who seems to get pleasure out of trying to make me feel like shit. She is quite clearly very proud of herself for marrying so well. Wow what an achievement Hmm

callmemrs · 04/02/2012 10:45

Catgirl- I agree that anyone who thinks they are 'better' because their husband has a good job is awful. Just the same as those dreadful women who think they are superior just because their children are top of the class.

I think you just need to remind yourself that they are the ones with the problem if they think like that. It's insecurity really isn't it

BlueFergie · 04/02/2012 10:47

Yes callmemrs I see the distinction you are making. We are in agreement. DH would still earn a good salary if I worked just not as good as it is now. Helping further his career wasn't the aim of me staying at home just happened to be one of the consequences.