to be frustrated when parents on playdates do nothing but play with the DC?

[Susiewho]

Or should I say dominate and interrupt their play?

I have a couple of friends who do this and it's annoying. Our DCs (around three/four years old) get together at each others' houses to play, but the other mums are all "Ooo, what shall we find to play with next? Play doh? Shall we make a den?" etc. They immediately get right on the floor playing.

Yes, when it's just you and your DC, cool. BUT when they're there to play with each other, can't we just let them get on play? I've noticed that one little girl in particular clams up a mum's in charge of the playing.

Also, please have a conversation with me, not just a few words punctuated with "Ooo, shall we have a look at this book, dear DC" type phrases?

Clearly I'm too dull to bother with and the prospect of building a Lego car with a three year old is more entertaining than chatting to me. Probably.

Yanbu - kids need to bugger off and play whilst I bitch converse with the other parent

well at least they're actually there.
Some of my DDs classmates' mummies more often than not, invite their brother with his kids over as well, then buggers off themselves. Meanwhile her kids are running amok in the house with the cousins whilst invited kids are left to fend for themselves.

You pick up normally happy kids who are sad and very stressed as the gang had a go at them / ignored them / wouldn't let them play at all.

I've stopped playdates for my kids in the hands off mummies houses, as there's been so little supervision IMHO of 'playdates'. I've been around to collect kids to see children climbing on the kitchen counters, covered in food - TOTALLY unsupervised.

Some mums bake with them and let them make pizzas - these hands on mums are the ones I trust with my kids: sometimes little kids need a bit of structure and reassurance in a new place, and then a bit of supervision for health and safety.

Some posters have gone off on very different tangents here...this is not about neglect or about not playing with your own kids in your own home, it's about playdate etiquette. That's all.

It's nothing to do with being able to play with your children or doing worthy stuff with them at home, God knows I have cupboards of wholesome activities and have endured days of half my house being tented in sheets as 'dens'.

It's not even about making sure your child is OK at someone's house or making sure they don't trash your hosts things - I approve heartily of both these things

You are not teaching your DC to be a good host if you put them first. It is actually good for the adult to chat and the DC to have to think of things to amuse someone else.
It was one of my difficult things with DS1-he would get all excited and plan out what they were going to do and then the visiting DC didn't want to do it! I had to suggest that he thought of several things and than asked the visitor, rather than told the visitor. They don't learn if mother steps in and organises it all. Even if they say they are bored and say they don't know what to do-you don't need to jump in other than issue a few suggestions.
If truly bored they will eventually think of something.
The parent isn't doing favours to solve all problems.

Yes, but there's a lot to be said for modelling to the under 5's how to put others first when you play. They won't extrapolate at 3 from you sitting on the sofa eating biscuits that you are putting your host first. A few reminders to take turns with stuff or redirectio may help, and why not demonstrate first off, warm them up if they are the sort that need it, then withdraw? Though it still seems to me this sort of parent hovering is most likely where adult host and guest don't click and parent is filling awkward silences and/or trying to duck out of conversation. Sometimrs a cigar is just a cigar, op's instinct may be rigbt.

My understanding of playdates at this age, is that the mums/dads chat over coffee, whilst the kids play together!

I have a friend whose DC are 9 and 7 and she runs around playing tig etc. with them when we are out whilst I sit on my own.
This really made me laugh, but I bet the 9 and 7 year old wish she would leave them alone!

My DC's 'playdates' when very young consisted of playing at home with the children of my friends who just happened to be roughly the same age as them. We'd sling them somewhere safe and jammed with toys and scarper asap into the next room for cake and coffee. And return if the squawks got a bit too distressed sounding.

Oh dear this isnt about not interacting and playing with children its about parents playing and directing the play at other peoples houses and getting in the childrens way structured fun can be overwhelming for kids and parents should back off and give them space to make playdo dinners without parents making perfect shape peas ,
, I think the modern term (old timer) is helicopter parenting , there is a difference between that and ignoring your children .

Playdate is quicker to say than having a friend round for play. Why do so many get hung up over a word that is just shorthand?
Now that is ur.
Yes yabu.dominating too. That is how that parent interacts in that situation. You can still chat as well.

I feel the need to explain further because I'm wondering if, missslc , your post today was directed at me. My 'playdate' was in inverted commas because it wasn't really about them playing but more about me seeing a friend for coffee. I've no issues with the word.

The people I know who ignore their kids (under the age of 4 or so) to drink coffee and chat normally have really badly behaved kids. Just sayin.

Toddlers do need constant parental input for their play, otherwise they will trash something or hurt themselves within minutes. Believe me, I've tried. No parent actually plays with their child to 'show off' ffs, they do it because they know their child will start misbehaving for attention or hurt themselves if they don't. I would like a hot cup of coffee and don't see why anyone would avoid that if they had the chance, but for parents who want their children to grow up not beating up other children or acting like yobs, you wait 4 years for that privilege. I have friends who ignore their kids and chat to the adults, and I am just as pissed off by their behaviour (which means the more aware parent ends up having to watch everyone's kids- hence not wanting to have 'playdates' with them because it's fucking stressful) as you appear to be by mine, so really the only solution is to make friends with people who have similar parenting approaches.

There is a difference between ignoring kids and not orchestrating their every move. If dd comes to me with something when on a 'playdate' I don't ignore her but equally I don't run around saying 'lets make dens' etc. By the age of 3 or so kids tend to know not to trash stuff in others houses and respect where they can/can't go.

In my experience that should say. But none of dd's friends have ever trashed the house. Toy mess - yes but I can cope with that.

As stated earlier, I often play with DS when we're at other peoples' houses or at playgroups as he does need my support. I'd MUCH MUCH rather be sitting having a cuppa and a chat. I'm not showing off.

However, I have noticed that at playgroups, I normally end up playing with quite a large number of DCs whose carers are sitting chatting and ignoring them. The children clearly love having an adult to interact with! So I tend to disagree with the sentiment that children find adult-guided play boring. If they did, I'm sure they would leave DS and I well alone!

I used to play with my toddler at toddler groups. She was at an age then when she wasn't playing with other kids then though. Sometimes a child would wander over and sometimes dd would wander over to another parent. I think it was the novelty of a new face rather than them craving attention though.
If an older child needs the parent to guide their play to the extent in the op though maybe they aren't ready for playdates. I think it would be a lot better manners to invite kids to be dropped off, n that situation, than to invite parents and ignore them.

Toddlers do need constant parental input for their play, otherwise they will trash something or hurt themselves within minutes. Believe me, I've tried.

We must have very different DCs then. Mine have played well by themselves and I can't see why they should hurt themselves if sitting in someone's lounge in full view. I have always been able to leave mine in a room by themselves at home.
I accept that if people have destructive, accident prone DC's then you can't leave them alone-I'm not sure that I would want them around on a playdate though.
If an adult always steps in to amuse or guide play they are not going to manage on their own. There is a place for both-but not if you are leaving another adult sitting like a lemon-in that case it is better to get them to drop their DC off.

exoticfruits - your post is a little bit nasty when it's directed at a poster who is clearly being really constructive and honest with herself, trying to help guide her child into being the sort of child you would want to have round. If your children were born perfect then that is lovely for you, but the majority of children aren't.

With DC1&2 I needed to get involved. They are now 5 and I don't need to on their account - in fact I'm often being told how well behaved they are (and also how imaginative in case anyone thinks I've turned them into automatons). It's a case of gradual steps.

"I have always been able to leave mine in a room by themselves at home."

Smug, much?

I don't see what is smug about it. I thought it normal and WibblyBibbly was saying that all DC will break things or hurt themselves. They don't IMO. I used to host whole toddler coffee mornings and just let them all get on with it. They are in the room-you can see what they are doing while chatting. With my own they were fine-if they went quiet I went to investigate.