to be frustrated when parents on playdates do nothing but play with the DC?

[Susiewho]

Or should I say dominate and interrupt their play?

I have a couple of friends who do this and it's annoying. Our DCs (around three/four years old) get together at each others' houses to play, but the other mums are all "Ooo, what shall we find to play with next? Play doh? Shall we make a den?" etc. They immediately get right on the floor playing.

Yes, when it's just you and your DC, cool. BUT when they're there to play with each other, can't we just let them get on play? I've noticed that one little girl in particular clams up a mum's in charge of the playing.

Also, please have a conversation with me, not just a few words punctuated with "Ooo, shall we have a look at this book, dear DC" type phrases?

Clearly I'm too dull to bother with and the prospect of building a Lego car with a three year old is more entertaining than chatting to me. Probably.

My child is only 11 months so on if I were to just ignore him he would most likely be crying at my knees. I hope other mums don't think I'm boring because I sit on the floor with them whilst they play.

If you have an independent , sociable child, saying that children who need adults to stay close while they "warm up" is the fault of helicopter parents is pretty much the same as someone whose child always self-settled after five minutes of minor grumbling saying that parents who don't do controlled crying have only themselves to blame because their child doesn't sleep, even when said-same child would scream for three hours and puke over the bedsheets while doing so..

I work with children with language delay and social skills issues, and we often intervene using "parent-child interaction" approaches. Children with poor language/social skills are as likely to come from homes where they have had minimal supervision and "free range" parenting as have been "helicoptered", and very often, where there are actual issues, it's a chicken/egg situation where the parent has instinctively adjusted to a child whose personality or development has made them behave a particular way. This is really obvious in families where there are 5 or 6 children, none of whom have been interacted with in the same way as the child the parent is now concerned about.

That's one end of a broad spectrum of development, but I suspect it is the same across the range.. the way you mother is half-chance, your child's individual preferences and abilities will shape it, even across different siblings.
As for this: "In our house, kids are used to hearing me say 'What's wrong, has your leg dropped off?' whenever they come near me when I've got a friend round!" - this is a perfect example of competitive free range parenting. So what? Is it really any more of a virtue to ignore your kids or talk sarcastically or dismissively to them than it is a vice to play with "micromanage" them?

Alternatively, it may be that she's just not that into you . I only have a 2 year old, so we haven't done many of these "playdates" with people who are not pre-baby day friends yet, ds has no preferences with regards to peers at this age.. but my friend who has the oldest child of all of our group (5) says that 90% of the mothers she hangs around with bore her to tears and she is sociable with them purely because her daughter likes their kids. Perhaps you don't have that much in common, so she is busying herself with play talk to avoid other conversations?

An 11 month old is different. They aren't able to play with other children yet at that stage.

Children aged three years plus are able to play with other children without an adult intervening, except for the odd squabble etc. Babies can't left alone as they would probably poke each others eyes out!

I have a four year old and an 11 month old. If we go to another house where there are other children DD1 will go off to play and DD2 will stay with me and sit on my knee or be sat in front of me with toys and occasionally I'll sit with her and play/chat etc.

This never happened when my DC were young - we were all too pleased to leave them to it and have a cuppa and a bit of a chinwag

Sounds like they aren't my or your tyoe of person - find some different playmates for your DC with normal parents

Thank goodness for most of the responses on this thread! I was wondering if perhaps I was a neglectful parent when DS was younger, because my approach was similar to yours, OP, and I could never fathom the whole helicopter parent approach. I'm liking the sound of benign neglect, as mentioned by another poster!

I have a 3.7 year old and an 11 month old. The younger one will happily toddle off and amuse herself wherever we are. Elder daughter often needs/wants me to play with her - even when round playing with children that she 's known since she was a baby. It's just they way she is.
DD2 has always been more self sufficient. Just different personalities I suppose.

I don't think that I would think ill of somebody for joining in their kids play when round at mine, if that's what they wanted to do as I'm a bit neurotic and would prefer that than finding their kid had trashed my living room while we were drinking tea

Lequeen- ''I wouldn't have allowed my DDs to play upstairs, on a play date, until I was pretty confident they were old enough to know not to damage other people's things, start emptying shampoo bottles or go noseying around in other people's rooms.''

But what if they do? How would you know if you were downstairs chatting and not watching what they are up to? Or are you saying that your children never do anything wrong? You don't necessarily have to watch their every move but just to ignore your children because you are chatting - why is that any different to the 'child running round the bank causing mayhem & parents ignoring them' thread which is also currently running?

So glad I'm not a helicopter parent!! I feel sorry for the kids. LeQueen I agree with your views.
There's a huge difference between unruly kids with neglectful parents and letting your kids play with their mates without the bloody hovering!!!
I'm thankful that I'm in total agreement with the majority on this one. The minority is a bit scary.

If you have a few simple rules in place you can just let them get on with it. Mine were never destructive and I didn't have to watch them every minute. The whole point in having a friend around was for them to amuse themselves.

Oh I'm so relieved I've found this thread! Some of you, particularly LeQueen have perfectly encapsulated what I could only articulate as "Aaarrrggggggghhhh! Nnnnnnnnnnnn!"

Pictures posted of the crafts they've done including professionally iced cakes, and a sailing ship which was almost seaworthy. Her child is TWO. Since when did parenting/playdates become an Olympic sport?

I really don't get it. I had a lovely day today with lots of kids and a couple of the parents playing with them. I didn't join in on this occasion. The children got something out of it - they loved it, and the adults seemed to get something out of it too. I really don't understand what is wrong with this, or why I am strange for this that this might be an enjoyable way to spend a day.

On the other hand in a totally different scenario, last weekend I had a horrible time watching one of my DCs repeatedly pushed to the ground by another child while the mother failed to intervene. I didn't want to intervene but had to. We've been to play with this child in the past and I spent the time reading to him and my DC as he was getting over the top and aggressive. The mother in question may have thought I was being rude ignoring her but actually it was necessary - and I was only there because my DC liked her child at the time.

The children are all around 4 years old.

It seems weird to me, I invited friends around for me and the DCs just played. Later on they got their own friends and came around on their own.
Luckily we didn't have oneupmanship on who could do the best craft activities. I saved those for the days they didn't have anyone to play with.
It sounds to me as if 2 yr olds are actually watching mummy make sailing ships-I bet they didn't do much!

It depends a bit on who's playing whether I join in. My preferred option is tea and cakes while children play but if they need some help so be it. I also do a good monster game which allows tea drinking whilst appearing to be playing. I am the monster, the dc creep up and then I roar. They run away, I drink more tea. Repeat as necessary. Hardly lose the thread of conversation. Can also build block towers and help with jigsaws whilst chatting. Heart sinks when child approaches with book. I am talentless at simultaneously reading the gruffalo and talking to a friend! Dh often plays with the dc when the adults are talking and he isn't interested. Only I know his secret-everyone else thinks he is being altruistic!

I wouldn't play with DC on a playdate. However, I do join in sometimes when at home. I enjoy it, they enjoy it. Today , at their request they made some salt dough decorations, I made a couple too.

I am confused as to why playing with DC makes me a bad parent. I don't do it all the time and they are perfectly capable of spending hours amusing themselves. However, we have had many happy times doing the type of things that people are mocking on this thread. On occasion playing together has been a precursor to them opening up about things that they are worried about.

I feel close to DC when we play all together, didnt realise that made me wierd . Am off to double check I am not guilty of helicoptering.

Owlelf I don't think anyone has said playing with DC makes anyone a bad parent, have they? What has been said is that it's rude to ignore a friend who has come over to have a cup of coffee and just sit there and play with the DC. That does make someone weird IMO

YANBU, surely the whole point of a playdate is for the adults to gossip whilst the kids run riot play?

I think people can do as they wish, although I think it is the self conscious "look at me playing so nicely with the children" kind of playing that is being derided here. And definitely not playing with your children at home-from what I understand of this thread that's not what people object to. Not that you should worry anyway .

I don't know why it has suddenly jumped to the assumption that you shouldn't play with your DCs! You have plenty of time to do that, so you don't need to do it when you a friend for both you and the DC.

I did think some of the comments has strayed into the territory of playing with DC in general, rather than just when at friend's houses.

I think I may have got the wrong end of the stick- not for the first (or last) time. Apologies.

You would also play with them if you went to some sort of family craft thing.
If you invite a mother and DC it is rude to ignore one of the guests.

Exoticfruits- I agree that it's rude. Sometimes I am sorely tempted. Only on playdates where the mother has attended for the sake of her dc rather than specifically to drink tea with me and its clear that we're not destined for actual friendship. With friends, I'll jump through all manner of hoops to keep the tea and chat flowing

Slight aside, but does anyone else remember being a child and being forced to play with their parents' friends' children while they drank wine tea. I used to HATE that.

Thank you, working9while5 , for a very interesting post. There have been many threads on MN about the virtue of "benign neglect" where your input would have been needed...
I would like to add for the benefit of some posters on this thread, that there are many different ways of playing with children, and it doesn't always involve directing/structuring/stifling creativity etc... no matter how much those that don't know how to play with their kids would like to think that it does. (and i used to be one of those prior to my SN son coming along, so I'm not judging...)
OP, if this person is your friend, i'd say, either you tell her how you feel - or you arrange to meet up with her when you are both child-free, or you drop her for a while until your kids are older and see what happens... she is not going to magically act like you would like her to, is she.
And, yes, PatsysPyjamas, I have painful memories of being told "so... you're gonna show Xyz your bedroom then"? and being made to play with randoms kids (around age 6 or 7), and I even remember the relief when it was time to say goodbye :D