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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse sex??

113 replies

Louboo2245 · 02/02/2012 05:30

We've just had a new DD. She is 4 nearly 5 weeks old. And my partner is starting to make advances of a sexual nature.
I currently don't feel up to it due to being knackered and recovering from my c section. Towards the back end of my pregnancy is was ill so he has not 'had any' for at least 3 months (but in the same breath neither have I)
He keeps asking for naked cuddles, and tries to assure me there is nothing sexual about it, but in the past this has always led to one thing and yesterday when sent out shopping came home with a box of condoms.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to touch him for fear it will be construed as a come on.
AIBU to ask him to back off?

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 02/02/2012 05:33

YANBU at all. Are you clear with h

girlsyearapart · 02/02/2012 05:41

Yanbu.
Is it your first? If so tell him you have to wait till the 6/8 week postnatal check from gp!

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 02/02/2012 05:41

I am trying to be. He keeps telling me he's not making advances, but it feels like it when he's trying feel me up. It got to the point last night when I snapped at him, that I'm sick of fending him off. At which point he spat his dummy out of the pram and threw his shoes downstairs and hasn't spoken to me since (admittedly we've been asleep for most of it)

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 02/02/2012 05:41

Oops, bloody iPhone. As I was saying, are you as clear with him as you are here? He needs to understand that a return to some kind of sex life needs to be on your terms at the moment.

When I was in the same situation I remember telling xp that I would let him know when I was ready and in the meantime he was to 'entertain himself' in the bathroom when the need arose!

He will probably be feeling somewhat rejected right now so although it's tempting to tell him where to shove his condoms, reassure him that this is not a permanent state of affairs (but will be longer if you feel pressured).

Wretched · 02/02/2012 05:47

Yanbu, my dd is four weeks Saturday and my dp has "wondered" aloud when we can have sex again, this time I've had a section and been ill in hospital for a month prior to birth, last time was a straightforward vaginal delivery and I waited about three weeks. It wasn't long enough and felt quite sore. So this time I'm determined to wait a bit longer, so it can be enjoyable for both of us! Plus I'm worried about scar healing etc. tell him you need longer to recover, and if you rush into it, an uncomfortable session could set you back even further in terms of regaining your previous schedule!

Walkinginwonderland · 02/02/2012 06:24

Yanbu, good grief.

CailinDana · 02/02/2012 06:47

Wow. So you've had major abdominal surgery and you're looking after a tiny baby and your partner is worried about himself and his lack of sex? Caring. Show him this thread.

troisgarcons · 02/02/2012 06:47

Do you not want sex or frightened of having it?

Don't turn yourself into a mother and forget to be a lover too.

TBH - this is far too early in the morning for this sort of thing - but you risk losing intimacy. I'm sure you could do with a bit of light relief as well, why not settle for some mutual masterbation? Probably do you the world of good to feel sexy again.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 02/02/2012 07:02

I had a 4 week old baby, stitches, piles, the works and my ex was the same. I ended up relenting because he made me feel so dreadful (this was a fairly ongoing problem in our relationship). I hated myself and I hated him for it.

If you don't want to do it, please don't do it. I really hope your H wakes up and realises what the hell you've been through. And yes. Show him this thread.

cheekyseamonkey · 02/02/2012 07:07

That's too early post section. I was worried I'd split open! He did get a blowjob or two though! I'd say the same about 6/8 week check & point out that doing anything too soon could cUse problems that lead to an even longer drought (that ought'a do it!) but make sure you both have lots of cuddles & kisses on the understanding that it'll go no further until you expressly say so.

He'll be feeling a little insecure about his place in the relationship now that your attention is focussed so firmly elsewhere.

(which reminds me I MUST find the energy to shag my DH before dc2 arrives in a few weeks!)

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 07:50

IMO 4 weeks is too early, 8 weeks much safer, but I'd echo the point about remembering you are a lover as well as a mother. Can you lend him a hand etc for a while instead?

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 07:56

Yank up your top. point to your stiches and say "THIS REALLY REALLY HURTS!"

If you're not ready, you're not ready. He should respect that and remember what you have just been through.

(congrats on the birth of your baby btw)

RealitySickOfSick · 02/02/2012 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealitySickOfSick · 02/02/2012 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealitySickOfSick · 02/02/2012 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2012 08:11

This is not about orgasms (if it was he would just jerk off) - this is about an emotionally stunted man who thinks that intimacy can only be brought about by penetrative sex.

Talk to him about what intimacy can be - talking, sharing, massage, cuddling, hundreds of other things that don't involve throwing your toys out the pram cos you can't get your cock in something.

Him connecting intimacy with only penetration is a horribly common thing.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/02/2012 08:12

If he genuinely feels unloved, undesired, not enough attention he needs to get on board with different ways of intimacy now that he's a dad.

DonInKillerHeels · 02/02/2012 08:14

Troisgarçon, I know you're usually quite sensible and all, but in this case you're way off beam. I could still barely walk 4 weeks after my C-section, and felt like my insides were still about to fall out. Even giving a BJ would have hurt/exhausted me.

OP your H is being Insensitive. He can, after all, have a wank.

DonInKillerHeels · 02/02/2012 08:16

Or, if it's about emotional intimacy, a clothed cuddle.

Shutupanddrive · 02/02/2012 08:17

Tell him to piss off, YANBU

Molehillmountain · 02/02/2012 08:17

Good grief-four weeks?!! He should be so lucky! Babies are all consuming and it always amazes me that people have even a sideways glance for sex in the early weeks. If both of you wanted to them brilliant but even to be asking and kind of expecting is unreasonable, without the section to contend with. Yadnbu. And don't be scared about intimacy coming back. It will, given time and space and some thought further down the line.

Molehillmountain · 02/02/2012 08:19

Ways to achieve intimacy-cuddling your baby together, doing nice things like foot rubs (him to you mainly!), working as a team to care for the baby. It's not all about sex.

Shakirasma · 02/02/2012 08:21

Of course you don't feel like sex!

However sex in a loving relationship is not just about getting your rocks off, it's about giving and receiving love, reaffirming the bond between you.

So it's not as simple as sending him off for a wank or giving him a quicky hand job. What you need to do is talk, tell him you love and fancy him, and reassure him it's not forever. Assure him he is not rejected or unwanted.

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 08:23

Maybe he would just like intimacy without the sex? (Obviously I'm sure he'd love sex)

It doesn't sound like either of you are being unreasonable but I see the usually hate is being fired towards the man.

Have a cuddle, have a chat in detail... you say you don't want the cuddles in case it leads on to sex, it won't lead onto sex if you don't want it too (I assume your DH is a decent bloke and not some rapist?) be firm in your boundaries. Would you LIKE a cuddle if you thought it wouldn't lead to sex?

I didn't sleep with DH for nearly a year after my first born, and that was my right, however we did have to agree on boundaries as intimacy was still important.

The condoms could be for 'posh wanking' by the way... maybe he's just being clean?

There's nothing wrong with him missing you. There's nothing wrong with you not being ready, so long as you respect each other. Its difficult to be utterly ignored and avoided by someone you love, equally its difficult to enjoy a cuddle if suddenly there's a trouser snake in between you and puppy eyes staring at you. You are still a couple, so talk. x

Gribble · 02/02/2012 08:29

Yanbu - we havent done it for about 6 months (DS2 nearly 5 m/o, I had a cs which still hasnt healed properly). Im bfing and we're co-sleeping aswell so I have ZERO sex drive atm. DP has made a few advances and once we did try but baby woke up so we carried on while I bfed with DS1 walking about the house JOKE so that put an end to that and its just not happened since.

Just be honest with him, if after he still moans then he is a rat bag