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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse sex??

113 replies

Louboo2245 · 02/02/2012 05:30

We've just had a new DD. She is 4 nearly 5 weeks old. And my partner is starting to make advances of a sexual nature.
I currently don't feel up to it due to being knackered and recovering from my c section. Towards the back end of my pregnancy is was ill so he has not 'had any' for at least 3 months (but in the same breath neither have I)
He keeps asking for naked cuddles, and tries to assure me there is nothing sexual about it, but in the past this has always led to one thing and yesterday when sent out shopping came home with a box of condoms.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to touch him for fear it will be construed as a come on.
AIBU to ask him to back off?

OP posts:
haddock1976 · 02/02/2012 09:04

YANBU

The MW on her first home visit (unprompted) fixed DH with a stern eye and said that if he felt like sex the he was to use his right hand as it could be sometime before I felt like it. DH replied that he was a sailor and had she noticed the size of Popeye's right arm?

On a more serious note, I haven't felt like sex since April when I became pregnant. We cuddle a lot, snog, hold hands, fall asleep curled up together so we're intimate without the sex and not once has DH even hinted for more, apart from anything else he has too much self respect to start begging like a dog for a biscuit. We do talk though and have talked about how he feels and his reply was that an orgasm is a physical act that he can replicate himself and that the closeness that is so important he gets from the cuddles so he's fine I suspect that the months spent at sea are good "training" for any dry spells at home which helps

Newmummytobe79 · 02/02/2012 10:07

Tell him how much you're bleeding - that should calm his advances down!

On a serious note - don't do it until you're ready.

And on a positive note - he obviously finds you damn attractive so that's great! :)

If all else fails ... tell him you're ready for another baby and don't feel the need for condoms! You should be sex free for months! Grin

biddysmama · 02/02/2012 10:10

I told my husband that you are not allowed to have sex until you have had your postnatal check up.... im 40+5 with baby 4 and he doesnt know any different Blush atm im putting him off with the threat of my waters breaking Grin

Flisspaps · 02/02/2012 10:10

YANBU - regardless of the reasons.

If you don't feel like sex, giving him a hand, or having naked cuddles FOR ANY REASON then you are absolutely right to say no.

MeltedChocolate · 02/02/2012 10:15

Remind him that though a c-section is common because it is birth related it is still MAJOR SURGERY that you are recovering from.

In his defence it is easy to forget that, but he needs reminding and then he needs to back off! Reassure him that this will not last forever but if he doesn't give you a break it will only put you off more in the long run!

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 10:17

YANBU to not want sex. But YAB a teeny BU to refuse any form of intimacy with im - even just a naked cuddle while you talk things through.

I haven't had a c-section but I have had a nasty birth which ended in loads of stitches and was advised to 'test things still work' before the 6 week check so that I could discuss any problems with the Dr (such as too tight stitching etc). I didn't. Everything was far too sore! But I didn't refuse the ex cuddles and a helping hand.

I think it's easy to forget that whilst yes you went through labour and are in pain he witnessed it, saw the woman he loves go through all that and quite probably feels like a total spare part right about now.

No harm in a cuddle. Just make it very very clear thats all it is. Remember to communicate!!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/02/2012 10:19

troisgarcons you are a man aren't you?
With the utmost respect, having never been on the business end of a c-section I'm not sure you are in a place to be advocating anything here.

trustissues75 · 02/02/2012 10:20

Without knowing your day to day relationship it's hard to see where the problem really lies, but could it be that he's feeling unloved/pushed out atm? I'm in now way putting fault anywhere with that question, but a baby is such a huge change and hard on both partners in different ways. I don't think you're BU to not want to do the deed (don't do it just to keep him happy, that's just destructive to the basis of trust) and if, as you say, him just haveing a kiss or a cuddle always leads to more you're right to feel like you're being pressured, but maybe he actually underneath it all does understand that it's just a kiss or a cuddle and is offended that you don't even want to do that? Hae you given him a chance to show whether he actually does understand by being affectionate with him? Although, the condoms thing seems a little unfair. He's not right to pressure you into sex before you're ready if that's what you feel he's doing and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that while you love him and want to be with him, disrespecting your libido at the moment is a bid no no....Been there, done that....one of the many things that destroyed my marriage.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2012 10:21

Agrees with Custard

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 10:22

YANBU, of course.

FWIW you are also perfectly entitled to say you don't fancy naked cuddles, either - when I am in pain I really don't like to be touched and that is quite normal, perhaps you're the same? I'm saying this because it seems he thinks that naked cuddles are something you wouldn't even think of refusing, which is quite odd really IMO, and not nice for you if you are constantly feeling it will lead to sex because he's pressuring you.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2012 10:23

Whilst I don't agree with Trois, I can assure you she's not a man dickiedavis

Why would you assume that?

MateyMooo · 02/02/2012 10:23

i have massively gone off sex... for reasons other than the original poster, and Dh reacted in a similar way.

I got so fed up with his constant needs for penatrative sex and him not willing to compromise- even though i was.

so we reached an agreement, for one month we would have sex every night whether either of us wanted to (or was up for it).

he was well chuffed for the first 10 days, and then the shine wore off... and he started strugging with his commitment.

by the end of the month... he looked at me... with puppy dog eyes and said ' do we HAVE to?'

i said 'see that feeling right there..... thats how i feel. do you love me any less?'
he said 'of course not, dont be silly, i love you no matter what.'
I said ' keep hold of that feeling and next time i say i dont want to, realise i'm not saying i dont love you'

That was about 6 years ago. we still have penatrative sex less than he would like but more than i would like, but we came to a compromise.

Ps i still dont spontaneousely kiss him though, because in his mind that means an invitation.

we are in a strong and loving relationship and we have worked it out - for us.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/02/2012 10:34

Worra I didn't assume, I thought I'd read it on another post. Must be thinking of someone else Blush

mojitomania · 02/02/2012 11:18

YANBU

Tell him to stop going at you like some adolescent and grow up!

Oh and do what hectate said too.

PS. no way should you "give in" and lend him a hand

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 11:33

OP, YA so NBU.

Thanks troisgarcon, your earlier post really made me laugh. The thought of some mutual masturbation at 4 weeks post birth.... The lack of sleep, the painful boobs, the bleeding fanjo, the enormous jelly belly, not to mention the sore site where your womb was sliced open...

OP, tell your DP is it going to be a while yet and to go and do something useful instead.

Chattymummyhere · 02/02/2012 12:09

So its a womens right to reuse sex, but its also a mans right to want sex. There HAS to be a middle ground somewhere, I wonder what this thread would look like if it has one of these titles

1; DH wont have sex with me 4 weeks after giving birth
2; I want sex but DH does not due to (insert accident or surgery)

Im sorry but regaurdless of gender people want sex and if you not totally honest about why they will feel like there is something wrong with them as to why you wont have sex, I think people become to preicous about sex after birth for god sake you had sex to make a baby things dont change that much down there hell after one of my kids we was back at it before 3weeks!

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:12

Of course YANBU. For all of the reasons that everyone else has said.

I also don't see why you should have to get naked with him - at that stage after my c-sections I wore big pants with massive liners to mop up the blood and a bra with breast pads in it at all times - it's not really a suitable time to get naked IME.

Just point out to him that you have had a big operation, you are still in pain and are worn out, and need to be able to recover. You don't say in your OP whether you have said this - although one might hope that he might realise it off his wn bat, frankly.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:14

Chattymummy you think if someone posted that their DH had had surgery on their abdomen and penis and it wasn't healed up yet and she was fucked off that he wouldn't have sex, the response would be people saying how awful he was?

You are, quite simply, wrong.

CamperFan · 02/02/2012 12:15

Well, whoop di do for you chattymummy, well done!

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 12:19

What a ridiculous post. A man's right to want sex? Well I want the moon on a stick, is that my right too?

The OP is in pain. I am sure she would love not to be in pain, but she has had major surgery, so it's not exactly something she can change. Unless anyone has a clever solution to that, what's the point yammering on about him wanting sex? If she doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to do it.

DartsAgain · 02/02/2012 12:22

Chattymummyhere For goodness sake, each woman is different, and yes things can change significantly down there after childbirth, depending on your experiences. So you managed to resume at the 3 week mark. Whoopy Doo for you!

I had a CS, and no way was I able to have sex 3 weeks after. It hurt far too much to even stand up straight on some days let alone think about sex. After both DCs it was around the 6 week mark that we resumed things, but I had absolutely no pressure on me. Dp understood things were different. In this case the OP is feeling pressured, which most definitely isn't going to help.

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 12:24

PS. no way should you "give in" and lend him a hand

This is the bit I never understand.

If one loves/fancies/etc one's partner, isn't it natural in some way want to help out in some way?

All this "let the bastard fuck off/sort himself out" attitude makes me wonder just how deep/close the posters' relationships are.

QuintessentialyHollow · 02/02/2012 12:30

This reminds me of a boyfriend I had when I was 19. I was still in hospital, after an appendectomy, and he wanted to fondle my boobs, in public, in the corridor during visiting hours. I could barely walk, I was 2 days post op. He was 27. Hmm The first thing I did when I was discharged from hospital was break it off with him.

OP, Is your dh usually this immature and self centered?

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:32

No, it isn't.

When you are feeling exhausted, in pain, on call for a newborn, possibly trying to get to grips with BF, discharging loads of blood from your body and so on, it is quite usual not to be up to sorting yourself out - in terms of basic things like washing, eating, sleeping. Let alone spending time when you could be sleeping, washing or changing your pants, masturbating your partner.

That's called matyrdom. And anyone who is in a relationship with a man who would expect someone to do this for them while they are feeling that way, is in a poor relationship.

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 12:36

'If one loves/fancies/etc one's partner, isn't it natural in some way want to help out in some way?'

Yes, it is natural. For example, if my partner had just had major surgery, I would want to help out in any way I could, and if that meant putting aside my immense libido for as long as it took, it wouldn't be a problem. Because I love my partner.

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