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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse sex??

113 replies

Louboo2245 · 02/02/2012 05:30

We've just had a new DD. She is 4 nearly 5 weeks old. And my partner is starting to make advances of a sexual nature.
I currently don't feel up to it due to being knackered and recovering from my c section. Towards the back end of my pregnancy is was ill so he has not 'had any' for at least 3 months (but in the same breath neither have I)
He keeps asking for naked cuddles, and tries to assure me there is nothing sexual about it, but in the past this has always led to one thing and yesterday when sent out shopping came home with a box of condoms.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to touch him for fear it will be construed as a come on.
AIBU to ask him to back off?

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:38

Well quite. Now is the time for him to be helping her and looking after her.

Gribble · 02/02/2012 12:43

Chattymummy - would your incredible healing fanny like a Blue Peter badge for being back at it after a mere 3 weeks? Women heal differently just incase you didnt realise.

OP 5 weeks after a CS is probably way too soon given that you are advised not to do anything strenuous for at least 6 weeks.

As for lending a hand / helping out - I cant stand this, why should someone who is not in the mood for sex for whatever reason be in the mood to give someone a wank? Why would someone want a wank from someone not in the mood?

Hmmm a begrudged wank, just what the man needs

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 12:45

I find it very depressing, btw, that the OP has asked us if it'd be reasonable for her to ask her partner to back off, and instead of posters assuming he is a decent enough bloke to respect that, so many people have jumped the gun and just assumed he won't accept her asking and will still demand sex. I think that is horrible and says a lot about how nastily you view men.

QuintessentialyHollow · 02/02/2012 12:48

Healing fannies are a totally different kettle of fish, to abdominal surgery. Cant be compared.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:50

I'm not sure that going out and buying condoms and asking for naked cuddles counts as "backing off" TBH!

And keeping feeling her up while saying that he's not making sexual advances (?) and when she lost her temper he stormed off and hasn't spoken to her since!

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 12:52

Quintessentiallyhollow I'm not sure I have heard that some tears / cuts and things can be worse than section.

Each to their own and up to a woman to decide when she is ready for sex IMO.

After my section it still hurt for a year afterwards. I asked the doctor and she said it was the wound inside that was still healing. Outside was fine though.

People need to be allowed to take things at their own pace and when they have just given birth they should be given the time that they feel they need. If you have sex before you want and it really fucking hurts then that's not going to do anything for future sex life. It can make you fear sex.

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 12:53

That is true, SQ, but I think it is over-reacting to come out with all this pre-emptive justifications of why her partner should get sex/a wank. Personally I would feel under pressure from the attitude described in the OP, but she is asking should she tell him to back off, and I think a lot of posters are not replying to that question but are just insisting on telling her she should want sex. It's derailing from the OP and shows a really unpleasant view of men.

GreenEyesAndHam · 02/02/2012 12:54

'naked cuddles'

Oh do fuck off

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 12:54

And no normal person, man or woman, would feel turned on by the thought of sex with a partner in pain and not wanting sex.

mojitomania · 02/02/2012 12:57

I also don't like the idea that the OP's partner is trying to make her have "naked cuddles"

It's a total turn off in my book and yes, would make me boak.

In fact it would put me off all together.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 12:57

I find it hard to believe couples do not talk to each other about what is likely to happen post-birth. Be it discussing the likely birth injuries and post partum bleed or the prospect of sore boobs, lack of sleep etc and what impact they feel it is going to have on the relationship.

When we had our kids the ex and I made sure we talked to each other during the pregnancies and then again after the birth about how we were feeling, his expectations and my expectations of sex and feeling sexual. We realised that it wasn't the sex itself but intimacy and togetherness that can be lost in amongst the sore boobs, mangled fanny, sleep deprivation and nappies.

The OP needs to talk to her other half, not us, about this.

QuintessentialyHollow · 02/02/2012 12:58

SQ, I was referring to the comment made by chattymummy that HER fanny healed just fine... I think a healing, non torn, fanny cant be compared to surgery.

I tore so badly it was months before I could consider intercourse.

Same after my appendectomy.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 12:59

Ive had an appendectomy (not keyhole) and i've had a major birth trauma and i can say i'd prefer the abdominal surgery to the birth trauma, it healed faster. For me anyway. I realise I may be a lonely freak with this view!

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 13:01

Of course they should, but penetrative sex is not the only option for sex, and IMO love for a partner must work both ways if the relationship is to remain healthy longer term.

I think Custard probably said that better than me, above.

CrunchyFrog · 02/02/2012 13:01

Tell him he doesn't know he's born. My poor old XH got nothing until DD was 6 months, when I did it once, hated it, and refused to touch him again until she was a year. At which point I got knocked up again, and didn't want to have sex until DS1 was 13 months.

Good times.

Seriously, you need to talk about it like adults - he has no right to sex, but he does have to know how you feel etc. If he can't talk about it without stropping, then he needs a reality check. The world does not revolve around him and his poor neglected cock.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:04

Custard was talking about intimacy. You can have intimacy which does not include sexual contact. I would be concerned about someone who felt they could only give / receive intimacy through sexual contact.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:06

"Of course they should, but penetrative sex is not the only option for sex, and IMO love for a partner must work both ways if the relationship is to remain healthy longer term. "

You seem to be saying that if the OP does not service her man sexually in some way RIGHT NOW it will ruin her relationship. Or have I misunderstood?

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:08

And the intimacy can and should include some kind of physical, not necessarily sexual, contact, hence in my first post I suggested laying together whilst they discussed things.

Sitting at opposite ends of the sofa or over the dinner table having that kind of conversation isn't, to my mind, setting things off on the right foot. It is a conversation to be had whilst being 'together', it minimises the risk of the lack of physicality being construed as a lack of love in the relationship IMO.

I'm no Clare Rayner so y'know feel free to ignore me :o

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:09

Are you really saying you don't believe the OP loves her partner?

How on earth could you possibly know that?

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:09

Who's saying that jericho??

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:12

I thought whatme was - she says love 'must work both ways'. It sounds as if either she means 'sex' when she says 'love', or she doesn't believe the OP loves her husband, which I think is a really odd thing to say.

I may have misunderstood, though. Hope so.

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 13:12

Me too.

But i also think that thinking you can have intimacy without any sexual contact is as concerning.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:14

"But i also think that thinking you can have intimacy without any sexual contact is as concerning."

4 weeks after a csection with a new baby in the house?

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:14

Wow, what an arse. Sorry, but I thought advice was nothing before 6 weeks due to the raw, bleeding wound that is where the placenta attached, let alone the major abdominal surgery? At 4 weeks pp I certainly didn't 'feel like a lover', I felt like anything but. Luckily DH is an adult and a 'real man' and he too was too engrossed in the newborn thing and would never have expected me to just hop back on a few weeks after giving birth.

There is nothing wrong with sexual intimacy if both partners feel like it, if not then he has his right (or left, whichever your preference) hand.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:15

I am also not sure that giving your OH a hand job when you really don't want to, is anything to do with intimacy.

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