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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse sex??

113 replies

Louboo2245 · 02/02/2012 05:30

We've just had a new DD. She is 4 nearly 5 weeks old. And my partner is starting to make advances of a sexual nature.
I currently don't feel up to it due to being knackered and recovering from my c section. Towards the back end of my pregnancy is was ill so he has not 'had any' for at least 3 months (but in the same breath neither have I)
He keeps asking for naked cuddles, and tries to assure me there is nothing sexual about it, but in the past this has always led to one thing and yesterday when sent out shopping came home with a box of condoms.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to touch him for fear it will be construed as a come on.
AIBU to ask him to back off?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:15

You can be intimate with someone without sexual contact, how ridiculous.

Ilovedaintynuts · 02/02/2012 13:15

My God. If a man had had his nuts cut off and reattached or had a tennis ball forced up his jap's eye until it tore his cock all the way up nobody would expect him to be rogering his wife after 4 weeks if he was wasn't up to it.

C.section = major surgery
Vaginal birth = major injury for some women
I had my DS 15 years ago and still bleed occasionally after vigorous sex. My vagina was mutilated. No other word for it.

Sometimes your partners desire for sex is irrelevant!

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:18

What I would find 'concerning' would be if a man were able to remain turned on by his wife when she's in pain and not turned on. I think we should do this man the courtesy of assuming he is not like this, and will respond in a normal way when the OP tells him to back off.

I do have my doubts given the OP's description but that is what I hope will happen.

TandB · 02/02/2012 13:18

He can bog right off. I am 4 weeks post-partum and if DP even looked at me suggestively I would laugh in his face! And that is after an incredibly easy birth and a quick recovery.

It is actually entirely possible that his bits have atrophied anyway - I don't do pregnant sex either!

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:19

It's personal choice though isn't it as to how you deal with things in your relationship. If you want a 'no contact' rule then impose one. If you want to be having full on hanging from the rafters sex the day you come home from hospital then go for it. So long as communication is happening between both parties and both parties are fully aware of how and why the other person is feeling how they do then really do as you wish.

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:20

I could be wrong, but my reading of the OP gave me the impression she doesn't want full on hanging from the rafters sex, though.

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:20

I hate to say that DD is 18 months old and I still hurt sometimes when 'at it'. I think the episiotomy may have nicked a nerve or something. But hey ho, another will be appearing in about 3 months so we'll see what joys that labour brings!

Threads like this remind me how lucky I was to marry DH, to be honest.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:23

Personally i'd be worried if she did! :) either way she needs to talk to him.

I know I hate it when DP comes home in a foul mood, skulks around and then in bed rolls over and gives me the cold shoulder with no explaination.

This is, imo, no different to that. Yes he can see she's in pain yes he can see she's tired but he may think 4 weeks is sufficient time.

She needs to spell it out explicitly to him how she feels.

Gooshka · 02/02/2012 13:23

Oh Reality you have really made me laugh out loud I haven't even read all the posts yet but just had to tell you that was really funny

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:26

I don't understand this idea that EITHER you are at it like rabbits OR you are sitting at other ends of the room and never touching.

Most people (surely?) are demonstrative and affectionate with their partners even when they are not in the mood for sex, it is not an either or situation.

Having said that if you have a partner who takes any kind of physical contact as a come on, and then strops if you say no thanks I just wanted a cuddle, I can imagine that you might start to avoid physcial contact unless you were in the mood for sex.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:27

You'd hope so sardine but the way the OP writes would suggest it's an all or nothing relationship

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:28

"I know I hate it when DP comes home in a foul mood, skulks around and then in bed rolls over and gives me the cold shoulder with no explaination.

This is, imo, no different to that. Yes he can see she's in pain yes he can see she's tired but he may think 4 weeks is sufficient time."

God really? Why don't you ask him what's the matter when he does that? Sounds horrible

And I do think it is different as he knows that she has just had a baby. Unlike when your partner does that as you don't know why.

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/02/2012 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:30

It seems to be all or nothing from his perspective, you're right. It seems a shame that because she doesn't want sex it seems she will not be able to access any other form of physical intimacy, and when they have just had a baby, it is sad.

Although as Jericho keeps pointing out he may well say OK fine if she sits him down and spells it out, and they will be fine.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:31

Oh I know why, we've rowed spoken about his cold shouldering before :o he's shattered (leaves for work at 6:30am gets home at 6:30pm) and rather than articulating this fact he just thought it sufficient to be silent.

Now I know he's a moody fucker strong and silent type when tired I am more accepting of his behaviour.

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:32

I have to say, I didn't get that from the OP custard. She says she doesn't like naked cuddles because they turn to pressure for sex. It sounds as if, if she weren't always worried he was going to ask for sex, there wouldn't be a problem.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:33

I still hold firm they need to have the conversation whilst cuddled up on the sofa or sat near each other rather than in a more abrasive stance of over the kitchen table or such like so that he can see you can be intimate and not have sex or sexual contact.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:33

I'm glad you have set him straight. Saying hello I'm knackered I think I'll go to bed isn't that tricky is it!

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:34

I don't think anyone has said otherwise, custard.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:34

Jericho perhaps it's partly guilt on her side then? Perhaps because she's not been able to have sex for 4 months now (3 months pregnant and now a month post birth) she feels unduly pressurised into having sex and is misreading his advances?

I'll say it again.

Communication :o

JerichoStarQuilt · 02/02/2012 13:35

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood, I thought the 'all or nothing' was a comment on her perspective. Ignore my last post.

SQ, I'm only pointing that out because it's the first normal step - he wants sex, she wants to know if she should tell him to back off, the first thing to say is 'yes, tell him, YANBU'. I am well aware it may not be the whole solution but until it's been done she won't know where she stands and no-one should be assuming he will insist on sex or, more importantly, that she should have to reconcile herself to providing it.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/02/2012 13:36

Sardine He's a man... :o

I think others were suggesting it earlier sardine that she has every right to stay abstinent and not explain why because it should be clear to him. I believe someone earlier said she should simply show him her scar and leave him to it or words to that effect.

sportsfanatic · 02/02/2012 13:39

The level of biological ignorance among some new dads is amazing. You have to be pretty thick not to have even an inkling of what happens to your insides when you undergo major surgery or what battered and sore state a 'normal' birth - and even more so a forceps birth - can leave your bits in. So dads with this attitude are either stupid, or worse they are selfish and cruel because they know but don't give a damn.

Gooshka · 02/02/2012 13:41

I also had a c-section and was very sore but I did feel quite horny for some most bizarre reason (think I was still high on Pethadine!) so we did partake in some mutual sexual activity (much to his surprise and delight!). However ... had I not felt up to it and he had badgered me, I'd have been as pissed off and upset as the OP and wouldn't want to 'wank him off' because I'd be so hurt from his inconsiderate behaviour. Also, I know that if he'd said "let's just cuddle", it simply wouldn't have stopped there! So no YANBU so early after having a baby (even the medical profession advice waiting at least 6 weeks!) but I do also agree with the posters who are urging you not to neglect the intimate side of your relationship just because you are a mum. He needs to be patient really. Incidentally, after my first c-section I'd have no more had sex than do the high jump but my second c-section wasn't so traumatic

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 13:41

I think that a lot of posters have responded to the fact that he appears to be hassling her. And she has said no. And he's flounced off.

I mean he must know why, surely?
And asking for naked cuddles when she has a gaping wound on her tummy, blood soaked knickers and possibly breast milk leaking out everywhere... Why? He must have noticed that she is a. in pain b. bleeding c. not able to stand up straight yet d. has been advised not to do anything strenuous for 6 weeks etc etc. How can he not have noticed? Do men really need it explaining why a woman might not fancy naked cuddles, being groped or having sex under those circumstances? I mean, they're not thick.

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