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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop my PILs feeding my kids rubbish

120 replies

giraffes · 01/02/2012 19:36

My MIL picks my dcs (5 and 2) up from school and nursery one day a week and brings them to her house. Although they have a huge garden (and we don't really have one at all) all they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7! They come home completely hyper and not themselves....

I appreciate the help and think it is really nice the dcs have this time with their grandparents (FIL is usually there too) but I'm unhappy about the crap food and total vegging out...I'm not super strict but it just seems excessive, and the dcs tend to get a bit scratchy anyway if they haven't been outside for at least a little runaround every day.

MIL always offers them loads of sweets when I'm there and says in front of them that I'm really mean when I say they've had enough..

I'd like my dh to say something to the PIL as I don't feel comfortable criticising them...do I have to just put up with it? Or can they do as they want with their own grandchildren?

OP posts:
Oggy · 01/02/2012 19:41

Well I wouldn't like that either, but if you don't like the free childcare being offered you know the answer - pay someone who will do it the way you approve of.

mrsmaltesers · 01/02/2012 19:42

That would get right on my tits. My mil gave my daughter crisps for lunch once. FFS.

Did you ask the pils to have them? Or did they offer? Would you be upset if you said something and then pils said sod it we're not having them any more?

It's a difficuot thing to judge. My MIL would have me assassinated if i said anything to her about feeding the children shite, whereas yours might be more reasonable?

Definitely say something though. My PILS think that junk food is a whole load of fun and that it proves that they love their grandchildren. Sigh.

troisgarcons · 01/02/2012 19:46

Chilling out time is good. Structured activity isn't always apprp=opriate. Cut some slack, it's once a week . Not to mention today was bloody freezing, yeah, yeah I know they can wrap up warm but perhaps your PILs, whilst doing free childcare, didn't feel like freezing their proverbial nuts off.

Be grateful you have active, interested and willing grandparents..... pleanty in this forum who complain incessently about families who can't be bothered.

Why is it always the in-laws though??

pleasethanks · 01/02/2012 19:51

Sorry, I don't buy into the view point that if PIL are looking after your children they can do whatever you like. You, though, are their parents, and you are entitled to have an opinion about what they eat when they are there. I suggest raising it in a diplomatic manner (or getting DH to do it) that the DCs absolutely love their time with them and you really appreciate the help, but they are really out of sorts when they come home and it is really down to the junk they are eating. There has to be a bit of give and take really, so it is probably okay for them to have a little treat when they are there, but not gorge on it.

FlightRisk · 01/02/2012 19:54

I had a conversation with my exP about this. His mother was having ds one day a week because I was working late and no after school club place for him.

Now I expressed my concern to him because ex and his sister were obese children (and haven't improved much into their adulthood). In fact the only healthy one in the family is my ex's dad and I'm convinced that is because he works away all the time (months at a time) and so ex MIL doesn't feed him Hmm.

So I asked ex to speak to his mum expressing my concerns about what I think is a healthy diet. DS loves vegetables and salads so think he should be encouraged to eat these with his tea. My ex, remebering how he felt about his weight when he was a child, agreed with me and spoke to his mother. She refused to buy "special" things in for DS so decided that she would just give him snacks (crisps and chocolate Angry) then he could have tea with me.

So crisps ready available and salad and veg are "special things". The woman is a moron clearly.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 01/02/2012 19:59

no dont put up with it. even if they are giving you free child care once a week, which you are grateful for they are ultimately your kids. my parents were the same, mother in particular they really do it out of love. course they know its wrong to let the child gorge on junkfood, but they think this is a treat.

you or partner should have a word, maybe tell them to give the kids a healthy meal.snack and give them some sweets, cake or ice cream as a treat near the end of their time together. They should be very understanding hopefully.

littlemissnormal · 01/02/2012 20:00

YANBU, have the same prob with my own parents and sister who think that instead of giving my 3 and 5 year olds the fruit and other snacks I provide them with for after school, it's fine to give them numerous jam tarts, crisps and other junk.
Kids now lie to me about it (but drop each other in it!) and won't ever eat their tea.
Try tentatively to broach the subject but don't want to upset as they do so much for me in way of child care. They seem to think that my kids will like them more if they give them everything they ask for.

Eglu · 01/02/2012 20:02

That is a pain. I wouldn't dream of giving a 2yo coke, and a 5yo would only get it rarely. And that number of biscuits is ridiculous.

DodieSmith · 01/02/2012 20:04

It's once a week. Get over yourself. YABU.

Original poster
giraffes · 01/02/2012 20:06

Oggy and mrsmaltesers - it isn't 'free childcare' - the gps have decided this is what they want to do..it started off with them asking if they could pick up one of my dcs as my FIL is a music teacher and was going to give her lessons, but that petered out after a couple of weeks and they decided the other dc was missing out so started picking him up as well. I'd actually have no problem deciding to pay for childcare, but don't want to deny the gps their time with the children IYSWIM..i.e. I wouldn't mind if they didn't want to do it, it was their decision!
troisgarcons - this is the way it has been for 6 months - good weather and bad. As I said, I'm grateful for the help and think it is a brilliant idea in theory..but wonder if all they do is watch tv (alone) maybe actually the gps aren't that into it...
For the others who seemed to understand where I'm coming from a little more - yes, of course a treat is fine, and what they get at home, it is the total hyperness that is difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/02/2012 20:06

It is once a week. It will not kill them, it will not turn them into obese people. It will however probably give them fond memories in later life, of going round to granny and grandads and getting spoilt.. for one day a week.

TheCrackFox · 01/02/2012 20:08

Yabu

One day a week isn't going to turn them into a pair of lardarses. Stop being so uptight.

Oggy · 01/02/2012 20:10

Well if it isn't free childcare then of course you should say if they want to have them then they accept that it is under your rules.

I would try and be as relaxed as those rules as I could be, grandparents are supposed to spoil a bit, but agree with previous poster that, for example, coke to a two year old would be a massive no no in my book (and 5 year old tbh, but perhaps I am uptight).

usualsuspect · 01/02/2012 20:11

YABU

pleasethanks · 01/02/2012 20:11

But it isn't just about them being 'lardarses' I thought. I thought it was about the effect that the unhealthy food had on their behaviour. I mean, seriously, a 2 year old having coke?!

Eglu · 01/02/2012 20:11

It does seem bizarre that they are wanting to spend the time with the kids but then aren't really doing anything with them.

Original poster
giraffes · 01/02/2012 20:16

Hi - no, not obsessed with them being lardarses, more that it makes them hyper or even sick - they used give them juice when we were there, and I'd ask my MIL to stop at one glass and she'd castigate me in front of the kids 'you're so mean, everyone needs some pleasure' but my ds gets terrible runs after more than 1 glass! So I guess now they've switched to coke (which they never ever have with me) and my ds complains of a sore tummy every time he has been there (after I've stopped him climbing the walls!)

OP posts:
cheekyseamonkey · 01/02/2012 20:18

YANBU I don't buy into this shite about grandparents being allowed to spoil them with this type & amount of food. Why is this an acceptable way to show love. A naughty biscuit or cake yes, but fizzy drinks, all the other things mentioned & 10 (10!!!) biscuits! The sugar crash certainly won't make thekids feel happy.

I stayed with dgps often when I was little, they gave me treats, but in moderation. I have lovely memories & remember more about playing Lego or sorting spare buttons (granny a dressmaker) into tins.'

You need to speak to them, I think this shows a lack of respect for you, DH & a lazy attitude towards the kids; buying love if you like.

As for outside time YAB a bit U.

weevilswobble · 01/02/2012 20:20

I think you get DH to mention it, they're his parents. Otherwise be glad of the free childcare. Its not the end of the world. If you want it done your way do it yourself, but it takes more than a Mum to bring up kids.

SecretMinceRinser · 01/02/2012 20:21

Unless your kids are overweight I would let it go. It's once a week - I assume they eat healthily and get exercise the rest of the time?
You could get your dh to ask them to cut down on the crap a bit. And maybe send some healthier stuff with them but at the end of the day your pil are looking after the kids for free - shoving a dvd on and busying them with junk obviously gives them an easy life.
If you want healthy food and activities maybe see if any local chilminders aren't full on that day?

SecretMinceRinser · 01/02/2012 20:24

Just read your last post. I would definitely look into a childminder - it doesn't sound like they are having quality time. Maybe they are finding it more difficult than they thought with 2 and don't want to back out? They might be happy if you suggest it. I don't think stuffing kids to this extent is showing love - more like anything for an easy life.

Original poster
giraffes · 01/02/2012 20:31

Yes, they eat healthily enough and get some exercise the rest of the time - but now demand coke at every opportunity when they didn't even know it existed before!
Re local childminders - my MIL practically begged me to 'let' her pick them up, so I feel I can't really stop it now without upsetting her - last week she actually said 'will you keep letting the kids come here once a week, they really enjoy themselves' so I really don't see a way out of it, and it would upset my dh as well.
Just wondering if it wbu to ask them to calm down a bit on the food end of it. Obviously lots of you think asking them to let the dcs out in the garden - or at least going out there with them - would be a bit U so I'll take that on board.

It sounded like such a great plan - music lesson, time with gps, maybe a few treats that could be sort of their secret....but actually they are in a total state when they come home, won't go to sleep for hours and my ds vomited after being there just before christmas (he'd had 8 biscuits, 3 bowls of ice cream and 2 plates of fish and chips!)

OP posts:
Laquitar · 01/02/2012 20:38

How do you know how many biscuits? Can a 2 yr old eat chips, ice cream and 7 biscuits?

I would def talk to them about the coke. No wonder they are hyper in the evening.

Can you send them with some food/snacks and a dvd?

Cherriesarelovely · 01/02/2012 20:39

It is kind of your PIL to have your kids for you of course but chips, ice cream, coke AND Sweets....even once a week I would find that annoying. I do know what you mean. Some grandparents really love this kind of weird "treating" thing. My own dad who has type 2 diabetes and is now EXTREMELY food conscious as a result did this with my DD recently, ice creams followed by maltesers followed by lemonade then biscuits. It is ODD!

I suppose you could either find someone else to have the kids or I would agree it would be better for your DH to say something.

Eglu · 01/02/2012 20:41

I think you can easily bring up the food and drink issue with total honesty about how they have sore stomachs and have been sick because of it. Tell her you understand that she wants to treat them but she wouldn't want them to feel unwell would she.