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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to stop my PILs feeding my kids rubbish

120 replies

giraffes · 01/02/2012 19:36

My MIL picks my dcs (5 and 2) up from school and nursery one day a week and brings them to her house. Although they have a huge garden (and we don't really have one at all) all they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7! They come home completely hyper and not themselves....

I appreciate the help and think it is really nice the dcs have this time with their grandparents (FIL is usually there too) but I'm unhappy about the crap food and total vegging out...I'm not super strict but it just seems excessive, and the dcs tend to get a bit scratchy anyway if they haven't been outside for at least a little runaround every day.

MIL always offers them loads of sweets when I'm there and says in front of them that I'm really mean when I say they've had enough..

I'd like my dh to say something to the PIL as I don't feel comfortable criticising them...do I have to just put up with it? Or can they do as they want with their own grandchildren?

OP posts:

TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/02/2012 12:31

LucyBag, your PIL sound like mine. FIL tried to feed DD aged 1 with Amaretto whipped cream after one Sunday lunch!

Giraffe - YANBU. Chips and ice cream I could live with. 1-2 biscuits fine. but 10 biscuits and coke is unacceptable. DH and I do not drink fizzy drinks (I still remember as a child the experiment at school of putting a tooth in a glass of coke) and I do not want my DD drinking fizzy drinks. Although I appreciate she will at some point at friends/parties etc which I would be ok with.

FIL asked at Christmas if he could give DD coke as her cousin (aged 3) drinks it and was having some. I said no in front of all family and the dagger looks I was given was unbelievable as though I was being the mean and nasty mummy.

PIL look after DD for one day a week like yours Giraffe. Initially they were shit at feeding her until DH and I had to have a polite word about what she likes to eat (i.e. fruit and veg) rather a montain of sugar. My PIL put sugar and salt on everything and we have had to re-educate them about what a baby/toddler can eat. They still try and feed her chocolate/biscuits right before dinner though which is very annoying.

Original poster

giraffes · 02/02/2012 12:51

duckdodgers - I know, my dcs are really lucky, they have all 4 gps, and some of my happiest memories as a child were spending time with gps - that's why in theory this should be a great idea.
The vegging out thing is mainly to do with lack of outside time combined with the rubbish food means they are in a bad state by the time they get home - and end up running off the sugary energy by climbing the walls, not being able to sleep, being cross and tired the next day etc.
But also - the idea was that FIL who is a music teacher would teach the older one piano on that one day a week but this stopped after two weeks. So while I can't force it, it does seem a pity - he teaches other kids from the age of 4 so it wouldn't be that strange an idea he'd teach his gc. But I've not said anything as it is presented as a favour

OP posts:

seeker · 02/02/2012 12:56

somewherewest · 02/02/2012 15:17

"All they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7!"

While I can kind of see your point about the PILs feeding them nothing but fatty / sugary stuff, your last line made me laugh out loud. SEVEN biscuits! The horror! Its not crack cocaine for God's sake. When did we lose all sense of perspective about food?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/02/2012 15:22

I would accept the 'snack' foods but make it clear to your PILs that they can only have so much (give level below whatever you're happy with). You can say, sadly, that you feel deprived of giving them any 'nanny food' because they have so much at PILs...

If they don't want to feed your DCs proper food then so be it - don't leave your DCs there for mealtimes, just let them have short visits and if asked, explain why.

I have no patience with parents who shriek at the first sound of a crisp packet being opened but this is far removed from that.

cheekyseamonkey · 02/02/2012 15:25

West the littleun is 2! 7 biscuits would have an effect on her similar to crack! Besides, it's WAAAAY more than that overal FFS.

somewherewest · 02/02/2012 15:31

Yes but the older one is five...

Seriously, why not compromise? Say that while you don't mind sweet stuff in moderation, you would rather they mostly had things which weren't fatty / sugary. Hopefully that allows the PILs to still feel they are treating the children without them over-doing it. Allowing small, sensible amounts of sweet things as part of a balanced diet is not going to kill anyone.

msbuggywinkle · 02/02/2012 15:36

I would be very unhappy about them giving caffeine to the children and would say so.

With the sweets, well, we have similar (but it is when we are all at PIL's house and MIL does the passive aggressive giving them each sweets then sending them over to me to 'ask if you can have them') and I would love to just let it go. However, it is SO many sweets etc that me then giving them sweets in the week becomes excessive amounts.

I will be explaining this to MIL, that I would like to be able to buy them sweets sometimes too so could she please offer them other kinds of food as well if they are hungry. I hope it works!

ElaineBenes · 02/02/2012 15:46

I don't think YABU in the sense that I wouldn't like it either - but I do think you need to accept that they may not do things the way you do.

My Mum also feeds up the kids on rubbish and lets them veg in front of the TV. She doesn't look after the children regularly though so I let it go.

If it really bothered me, I'd mention it in a nice way. Offer to bring cut up fruit etc. BUt, at the end of the day, they're doing you a favour and if they won't change then you just have to accept it or find alternative childcare.

Original poster

giraffes · 02/02/2012 15:56

somewherewest - yes, no problem with a treat or two at all, but 7 biscuits a bad idea for anyone, whatever age! I don't think it is losing perspective really, and as I said it not only makes them hyper, it has made them sick!

OP posts:

onelittleclara · 02/02/2012 15:56

I haven't read all the messages so forgive me if I come in to late with this thought.I totally understand where you are coming from and used to be very uptight about what my MIL used to feed DS1. I would send prepared meals/snacks to try to regulate the crap she used to give him, but to no avail. I was certain that feeding DS1 the best of the best, wholesome,, healthy foods was the only way to do it and used to get royally hacked off at her behaviour. Then she died. I realised that that one day a week with her GS was just that, one day, and taught my son that everything should be in balance. It put a lot in perspective, and in the main my children eat as I feel is important, but a regular day of freedom does no harm. I now allow my parents to indulge them in this way on a friday post school. Biscuits galore and a totally brown/orange dinner of yorkshires/chips/chicken, no veg etc.
Is it possible to say ask PIL to ban the fizzy drinks, but allow other items?

TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/02/2012 16:08

"...7 biscuits a bad idea for anyone, whatever age!"

Ooops, better put the packet of biscuits I am scoffing back in the cupboard!!

Laquitar · 02/02/2012 16:54

'whatever age'. No, i can eat more than 7.

Seriousely, i think it is the coke that makes them sick, Coke cola is really shit and it shouldn't be given every week to a 2 yr old.

porcamiseria · 02/02/2012 16:56

agree with onelittle.. ban the cocacola, then at least the major evil has been eradicated

Original poster

giraffes · 02/02/2012 18:58

onelittleclare - I'm sorry you lost your MIL, for you and your DS1. Ok then, no coke and I might also ask my dh to ask them to just give them 1 biscuit and 1 bowl of ice cream each...that in itself is enough of a treat I think..

OP posts:

seeker · 02/02/2012 19:20

And don't say to the children "how many biscuits did you have? 7? Oh dear, you'll be climbing the walls then......"

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2012 19:25

Am I the only GP who follows the parents' rules when it comes to the children?

I wouldn't dream of feeding my gcs that amount of rubbish (and I speak as a Coca-Cola addict!)

Agree one or two treats - after they've eaten 'proper' food.

And absolutely no coke. Non-negotiable. Especially for a two-year-old.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 02/02/2012 19:30

Can you say that you have been told off by the dentist as its obvious they are drinking Coke / eating sweet stuff too much. And set a limit that way as prescribed by the 'dentist'. Or is that a bit dishonest?

JustAnother · 02/02/2012 19:31

I think it is very unfair to your children to feed them stuff which is making them sick. I would definitely speak to the ILs and explain that they can have some treats after dinner, but surely in moderation. As for "7 biscuits", are you sure it wasn't just an exaggeration? my DS sometime will come up with things like that, when I know for certain he's only had 2 or 3.

seeker · 02/02/2012 21:10

I agree about no coke for little ones- but I am always amused by the fact that anything given to a child by it's paternal grandparents always seems to have worse effects than food given by anyone else.........

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