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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to stop my PILs feeding my kids rubbish

120 replies

giraffes · 01/02/2012 19:36

My MIL picks my dcs (5 and 2) up from school and nursery one day a week and brings them to her house. Although they have a huge garden (and we don't really have one at all) all they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7! They come home completely hyper and not themselves....

I appreciate the help and think it is really nice the dcs have this time with their grandparents (FIL is usually there too) but I'm unhappy about the crap food and total vegging out...I'm not super strict but it just seems excessive, and the dcs tend to get a bit scratchy anyway if they haven't been outside for at least a little runaround every day.

MIL always offers them loads of sweets when I'm there and says in front of them that I'm really mean when I say they've had enough..

I'd like my dh to say something to the PIL as I don't feel comfortable criticising them...do I have to just put up with it? Or can they do as they want with their own grandchildren?

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 01/02/2012 20:42

I'd let the food go, but be very annoyed about the [generic cola drink], especially for a 2yo! Who would think caffeine is a good idea for a toddler?!

RandomMess · 01/02/2012 20:43

The chilling out etc is fine but yes say something about the amount of crap they are being fed. It's fine for them to have treats/junk once a week but the volume sounds excessive!

Nagoo · 01/02/2012 20:44

aaah sorting buttons into tins :) [nostalgic]

You have to say something about the fizzy drinks and overfeeding. Explain how the Dcs are getting ILL from it :(

Maybe focus on one thing, (e.g. Coke doesn't agree with DC) and take ground from there?

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 20:45

i know how many biscuits because my dd always counts - its become nearly a game...and that time she was put out that her brother had more than her! maybe the whole thing is a bit of a battle of wills or throwing down the gauntlet sort of thing by my MIL - as I said, she always says I'm 'mean' if I don't 'let' my dcs have ridiculous amounts of junk/food I know will make them sick....
actually tbh one advantage of the dcs being there alone one day a week is I don't have to spend half the weekend there batting away the boxes of chocs, bowls of ice cream and being made feel like a 'mean' mum for 'denying' my dcs treats!

OP posts:

maddening · 01/02/2012 20:45

yanbu - this "well it's free childcare" shit is just bollocks - you are still the parents - the vegging out is one thing but the rediculous amount of sweets and coke is out of order. If the gps can't work with you then stop the arrangement and use an after school club or similar. If she wants to look after her gc then she should respect their parents and the fact that you are left with the fall out - when she asks if you will continue letting them come then say you will see if she can do this and if not it will have to end. Maybe provide the food that you want them to give to the children so they can see what you are happy with.

has she ever offered an explanation as to why she does it?

SecretMinceRinser · 01/02/2012 20:51

Well I would definitely say something about them letting them eat until they are sick and I can't believe you haven't now you've given that snippet of info!

naturalbaby · 01/02/2012 20:51

Once in a while maybe, once a week No. My 2yr old would eat 10 biscuits if I didn't watch him, he then wouldn't eat any dinner and need supper or wake up hungry.

A few biscuits yes, coke NO! Young kids do not need fizzy drinks.

If the kids have been at nursery and school then they will have had a run round outside. If they're coming back home to you hungry and hyper because they have energy that should have been burnt off already then I would have words. Why should you have to deal with crappy behaviour from your kids because your IL's have had them sitting still and filling up on rubbish food?

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 20:52

I think she does it because it has sort of become a habit, and as I said, maybe because she thinks i'm 'mean' not to give them exactly what they ask for (even if its a 2 yo shouting for more ice cream!!)

The dcs go to nursery/afterschool 2 other days a week (I work PT) so it wouldn't be a problem to increase their days, and fine money-wise. It isn't that we are relying on them for childcare, but more that the gps really urged us to 'let' them have the dcs.

BUT I'd be a bit regretful that they then wouldn't have this 'special' time, but tbh it doesn't seem all that special if they barely talk, just eat! And also, I'd be too scared to say it to my MIL (she is scary)

OP posts:

Oggy · 01/02/2012 20:54

If you can't trust them to feed the children sensibly then perhaps you need to make the time the kids spend with their grandparents time when you or your partner are there too.

hugglymugly · 01/02/2012 20:54

I don't think it's a grandparent thing, I think it's an ignorance thing. I'm in my 60s and wouldn't give a child sweets/coke/number of biscuits. Those are not treats - they're just containers for unnecessary sugar.

Thirty years or so ago, when my MIL (who was then in her 60s) picked up my DC from school or when we popped in after school, what she gave them was bread and butter with a scraping of honey, a glass of milk, and some fruit - carbs, protein, and a modicum of sugars - enough to give them a boost at the end of the school day without spoiling their appetite. The real treat for my DC was being fussed over, chatted with, and made to feel special and cared for.

So how is it, years hence, that the notion of a treat for a child by giving a load of crap still persists?

And in my view, even once a week isn't acceptable when it leads to a sugar rush, with the consequences that the grandparents don't have to deal with. (And I'm not even going to mention teeth.)

rhondajean · 01/02/2012 20:54

What is it it's thing with grandparents where they think filling the kids with shite is being nice to them?

Don't they ever think about long term implications? Never mind the runs and the hyperactivity!

Kiwiinkits · 01/02/2012 20:57

I'd just focus on one thing, the Coke. The other stuff can wait. Tell your MIL that it gives the kids sore tummies, and then comment that a drink of Coke is equivalent to a cup of coffee with about three teaspoons of sugar in it. If you wouldn't give a kid a very sugary cup of coffee, why on earth would you give them Coke? It really is disgusting stuff.

ArtexMonkey · 01/02/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2012 20:59

why not offer to bring some wellies and hats and gloves to PIL house - so the children can have a good run around in your lovely big garden.

Can you find some outdoors type toys etc to take over so the dc have lots of reasons for playing outside for a while.

tehn mention outdoors and the garden a lot when you pick up Aren't the dc lucky to have grandparents with a lovely big garden to play in, its great they get out in all weathers to play.

SecretMinceRinser · 01/02/2012 21:00

How much coke are they drinking? If it's a glass once a week it wouldn't bother me tbh. If it's a 2 litre bottle then it would.

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 21:03

ArtexMonkey i imagine she wouldn't like it one bit!!!
Its weird having ILs isn't it....I loved the semi-conspiratorial thing with my gps when I was a kid, but now its happening me its a total pain in the arse!

OP posts:

rhondajean · 01/02/2012 21:03

Sorry huggly for my rant.
It's cos my dad says I'm mean and my granny always gave me treats. When I point out that I have every tooth in my head filled and have a constant battle with weight, he just laughs and ignores me.
My children no longer visit unsupervised. Their health is more imortant to me Im afraid.

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 21:05

ivykaty44 - yes, we bought a slide and swings for their garden, and keep wellies there for them! I imagine the dcs might have a little moan about going outside and the gps give in....their perogative obviously, I need to draw the line between being a control freak at a distance and putting my foot down a little about the crazy cookie monster stuff!

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2012 21:12

Oh tell MIL she is meany for not letting them play in the garden and get a bit dirty thats what washing machines where made for

keep making a joke about how clean they are when you pick them up and saying oh has meany nanny not let you out to play and get all dirty?

mummynoseynora · 01/02/2012 21:17

my god I can't believe you have been told YABU on this!

a 5 and 2 year old being given coke / biscuits / chips and ice cream REGULARLY (and yes - a weekly visit is regular) is horrific....! My very nearly 5 year old has had coke 1 time in her life, during a heat wave when we were in the middle of nowhere and she had run out of water, she had a sip of my coke whilst DH went off in search of more supplies.... my 2 year old... never. In fact the 5 year old has asked about coke once or twice in the last year and knows and accepts it as a 'grown ups drink'

The rest isn't great either - far too much crap, and no attempt at even a pretence of healthy! I would kick up a huge stink tbh

we had a slight prob with MIL offering DD a biscuit every time we arrived as soon as we walked in the door when she was a toddler, and DH asked her not to as DD would start to expect it, luckily for us the next visit DD looked straight at the 'biscuit cupboard' and pointed as we arrived, completely flukily emphasising our point - MIL stopped offering as much

we also had a little issue with MIL making different meals for everyone in the house to suit their whims (!) I just politely asked her not to as the DC just get one option at home and its not been a problem since.

Saying all that, MIL has always made sure there is some veg on the plates, and knows the DC love fruit so happily offers that whenever they are hungry

seriously - say something or you will go insane... and the garden, the DC can run around there surely with one of the GP's indoors keeping an eye?

plutocrap · 01/02/2012 21:19

Why are you worried about criticising her if she happily not just criticises you but undermines you to your children?

She deserves a lot more than criticism for encouraging them to make themselves sick, again and again.

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 21:19

ivykaty - - i can't afford the wrath if she thought i was criticising her! better go hassle my dh to say something to them...before this arrangement, MIL would complain if she hadn't seen them for a week that I was 'mean' for not bringing them to visit....have just realised my life will be hell if i attempt to change the dcs-only arrangement

OP posts:

jamdonut · 01/02/2012 21:22

I always thought, and still think, that going to your grandparents is special because you do things there that you don't do/not allowed to do at home!!

Isn't that what Grandparents are for?

Original poster

giraffes · 01/02/2012 21:24

mummynosynora - thank you! It is getting to me a bit....and it isn't just the coke (though I am really really unhappy about that)....
I really put a big effort into my dc's food

Why are you worried about criticising her if she happily not just criticises you >but undermines you to your children?

because she is in her 70s and I dunno - just thought I shouldn't get into an argy bargy with her, don't want to upset anyone, and esp not my dh who is passive and gentle to the point of never ever arguing with anyone!

OP posts:

cricketballs · 01/02/2012 21:25

I'm sorry but YABVVVVU! It is once a week and GP are there to spoil their grand children - it is not going to put them on the road to obesity if they have some crap once a week and maybe they enjoy just vegging infront of the the tv whilst chatting to their gps instead of a structured activity!

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