to want to stop my PILs feeding my kids rubbish

[giraffes]

My MIL picks my dcs (5 and 2) up from school and nursery one day a week and brings them to her house. Although they have a huge garden (and we don't really have one at all) all they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7! They come home completely hyper and not themselves....

I appreciate the help and think it is really nice the dcs have this time with their grandparents (FIL is usually there too) but I'm unhappy about the crap food and total vegging out...I'm not super strict but it just seems excessive, and the dcs tend to get a bit scratchy anyway if they haven't been outside for at least a little runaround every day.

MIL always offers them loads of sweets when I'm there and says in front of them that I'm really mean when I say they've had enough..

I'd like my dh to say something to the PIL as I don't feel comfortable criticising them...do I have to just put up with it? Or can they do as they want with their own grandchildren?

artex - i've tried to say it sort of firmly - she gets very flappy and so it goes something like:
dc - i want more ice cream
me - no love you have had enough
mil - ah giraffes you're so mean!
me - s/he has had enough, and I don't want her to be sick
dc - I won't be sick! I want more!
mil - my house, my rules! You're at your granny's now! Sure we have great fun every week don't we
me - well look i'm her mum and I really don't think she should have any more
mil - you're so mean! Don't worry dc when you come up next week you can have what you want!
me - fume fume fume

Wheresmy caffeinedrip is quite right aboit her being the mean one. She's rude to you and unkind to the children. Nice? No.

i think its child abuse to give young kids coke lol. seriously have u seen the damage coke does to copper coins? id be fuming if my parents or siblins gave coke to my kids. i have spotted my mil giving my baby who is barely 1 1/2 yrs hot tea. i dunno if i was more mad because it was tea or straight out of mils own tea cup!

the problem i have with. my mil is her over feeding my kids. see i will have fed them, then she will sneak them food. if i confront her shell be upset. until i tell her if they vomit you will have to clean it up.sure enuff they vomit. does she learn, no? she still does it, angers me soooo much but to keep the peace she has no. where to go i put up and shut up, i cant kick her out of the house.

artex - yes..on reflection it isn't very cool that she calls me mean in front of my kids!

She isn't very good socially at the best of times so everyone sort of laughs her off and I don't want to be unkind to her....she is not likely to change now she's in her 70s, and I think in theory it is great the dcs can have their own time with her (and I don't have to see her so much!)..

I've asked dh to talk to her/FIL about the rubbish food for months now, he says he will but hasn't yet. I will have to 'nag' him until he does. Jeez...always down to me! Must be because I'm the meany!

Being the meanie can be something to be proud of! Think of it as practice for the teen years!

aww artexmonkey! snap! everyone loves mr giraffes - and is always 'poor mr giraffes' because he is so nice and gentle...he will not hear a word against his family, so i am definitely a meany for even asking him to call MIL

I cleaned up the sick, but he dealt with the hyper dcs this evening - the refusing to get into their pjs, refusal to stay in bed, the running around, the screams and shrieks....I then dealt with the inevitable sobs and tears and complaints of a sore tummy from the little one - who actually said 'i got a stomache from all the chips'. I hate seeing them like this! They're usually fairly calm kids, but such a mess when they come home from being there...

Who ever heard of a two year old drinking coke! Yanbu.

i find it hardly improbable that some coke and biscuits is going to give anyone the runs or stomach ache.

minimischief - you mean highly improbable? I said my ds gets the runs after too much apple juice. And you really think lots of chips, ice cream and biscuits for a 2 year old who isn't used to much of that kind of food mightn't have any effect on their system?

Glad this came up tonight as just had big row with DH about my worries for my baby during future visits to PILS.

PILS are into food in a big way, we go up quite often for Sunday lunch and the portions are epic. They are rather retro, a meal is not a meal unless it has meat in it, an international dish would be a margherita ordered from Pizza Hut etc.

I began to worry a little when DD was two months old and FIL suggested giving her a drink of milk (cows) and said he had given DH banana milkshake at that age. DD is now 5.5 months and just starting weaning. After being told weeks ago by MIL that my breastmilk wouldn't be 'quality' enough for her, PILS were pleased when I said I had given her a little bit of porridge mixed with her milk but suggested I put jam in it?! They keep asking me when I'm going to give her rusks etc.

Since then she has only had pieces of veg and fruit to gnaw on (and milk obv), I'm a bit funny about not giving her any crap as that's the way I was brought up (AND BECAUSE SHE'S 5 MONTHS OLD!!). At our latest visit DD was sitting on MIL's knee at table and was eying up the jar of apple sauce, I made a point of saying 'you're too young for that, it has far too much sugar in it' not to mention all the other additives. Two minutes later, as I was finishing off my food mountain I looked up to see MIL giving DD a spoonful of apple sauce and it wasn't as if it was a decent homemade sauce, it was some cheap crap from the supermarket. I bit my lip and thought, I'm just being an anxious first time mother.

Next news, it's dessert time. FIL is holding a spoon out to DD filled with brandy flavoured squirty cream! I was horrified! Now, AIBU??

As I was so peed off I decided to spark off some light-hearted after dinner conversation by stating that my mother thought Calpol was poison (she does) which went down excellently as predicted.

I know with 110% certainty that there will be a lot of grandparent 'treating' going on and it makes me not want to leave her there :(

LucyBag - ouch - that's terrible! brandy cream! I bet they tell you you're a killjoy or meany..funny you should say that about meat, that is exactly the same as my PIL!
why do they do this? What terrible comments about 'quality' breastmilk. St your boundaries now if you can, or you'll end up a fuming smouldering meany like me!
Can you ask your dh to just say to them that you don't want ANY comments on feeding your dd, and that all food for her is your department...end of story.

my MIL the same! dd is just 10 months and has gone to nannys twice a week for a good few months now, i went to pick her up after this last visit and walked in to see dd sat on the floor in front of cbeebies (which i dont object as she watches it at home, it just seemed to make the image worse!) surrounded by a pile of wrappers or dairylea triangles, dunkers and cheese strings as well as those go ahead energy bars and a packet of biscuits!

when i said 'please dont tell me shes eaten all of that!' MIL replied with a big smile on her face 'of course she did, she loves nannys food!'

then when i explained that she has baby snacks in the nappy bag for her to eat if she hungry before/after her tea, MIL said 'o dont worry, she ate those too!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

ok - boundary setting time! I think that deep down there's something about feeding that must make the PIL feel more 'involved' - that comment on 'nannys food' rings bells. Who wouldn't love nanny's food if it involved loads of salt, fat and sugar!!!
Exhausting stuff, feel like i'm on the down from 10 cans of coke and a packet of biscuits.....thanks all, night night

night night OP :)

I tell her about the kinds of foods I want her to eat and send snacks etc that i think are suitable for her BUT when i kicked off about the dairylea dunkers she got a cob on saying theyre additive free 'it says on the packet' which makes me think that she genuinely thinks shes doing dd good and will still give her things behind my back which worrys me more!

defienetly set some boundries but maybe ask your DCs what granny gave them when they get home? just to see if your wishes are being followed without making her think you dont trust her?

"minimischief - you mean highly improbable? I said my ds gets the runs after too much apple juice. And you really think lots of chips, ice cream and biscuits for a 2 year old who isn't used to much of that kind of food mightn't have any effect on their system?"

That's more like the sort of sarcasm you need!

Honestly, it's quite sad to hear such lack of confidence about saying no to coke and brandy cream and energy bars. And why not say no to having sick and hyper children? I don't understand.

when she says "isn't mummy mean" I would be tempted to use the same tone and say "isn't granny old and silly, what a foolish granny she musn't like you coming to stay" but that would be wrong hehe

op, collect the kids yourself and stop bitching about your in laws

Um, have you read the thread ssd?

plutocrap - yes sort of lack of confidence, but I think as I said food can be very emotive - and is a way PIL can be 'involved'
ssd - the PIL actually want to collect them - begged to do it in fact and keep saying that they love doing it, so that is not an issue

My mil gave my daughter crisps for lunch once. FFS. OMG, shoot the poor woman now

Anyway regards to you OP, I would love it if my children had Grandparents to go to, and wouldnt bother about weekly biscuits etc. But I would about the coke, my 9 year old still doesnt get fizzy drinks despite me being a diet coke addict

Relax a bit about them "vegging out", I despair sometimes of people (not you OP) who think its all about providing "quality" time for chidlren all the time - whats wrong with just relaxing sometimes.

But yes speak to MIL about coke, if she is any half way decent she will respect your wishes.

I think it's a real shame but this is what some GPs are like, they use food and do things you wouldn't normally do to try to make the kids experience of being with them different and therefore "special".

I doubt if you will get anything but aggravation if you try to push it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't if you really want to. On the other hand, it is only one day a week.

As for calling you "mean" in front of your kids, just say "It's not mean, it's sensible. I think it's mean of you to keep offering them more than they should have when it doesn't do them any good."

Ultimately, if the childcare arrangement bothers you that much you will need to find a childminder.