to want to stop my PILs feeding my kids rubbish

[giraffes]

My MIL picks my dcs (5 and 2) up from school and nursery one day a week and brings them to her house. Although they have a huge garden (and we don't really have one at all) all they do while there is watch cartoons on tv, eat chips and ice cream, drink coke and then eat loads of biscuits - one dc had ten today, the other had 7! They come home completely hyper and not themselves....

I appreciate the help and think it is really nice the dcs have this time with their grandparents (FIL is usually there too) but I'm unhappy about the crap food and total vegging out...I'm not super strict but it just seems excessive, and the dcs tend to get a bit scratchy anyway if they haven't been outside for at least a little runaround every day.

MIL always offers them loads of sweets when I'm there and says in front of them that I'm really mean when I say they've had enough..

I'd like my dh to say something to the PIL as I don't feel comfortable criticising them...do I have to just put up with it? Or can they do as they want with their own grandchildren?

Did you read thestuff about tummyaches and being sick, before posting, cricketballs?

In your shoes I would focus on the illness.

"I'm sorry, MIL, treating them is fine but DS is getting a sore tummy every time and they are both struggling to calm down for several hours. Treats are fine. It could you scale it back and cut out coke otherwise I am really going to struggle to carry on with the arrangement. After all, no one likes seeing their child unwell"

Apologetic and not saying no treats, but deals with the illness.

Or, of course, get all passive aggressive and next time they come to you for the day serve nothing to the adults but coke, crisps and party rings and see how they feel.

skiing - passive aggressive would def not work! And my MIL won't come to ours - she has only been here three times (in 10 years!). We always always have to go to their house...one (v selfish) reason I was pleased the dcs could go without me was that if we hadn't been there for a week she would get annoyed and act as if I was keeping her grandchildren from her, meaning that to keep her happy we had to spend half of every weekend there!

How about you pick on one element of the food - maybe the coke, and ask if they can give the kids something else to drink because the fizzy drinks make them ill?
I have a similar-ish problem with my Mum, she loves to treat DD with biscuits etc, but has a short term memory glitch and forgets that DD has already had a giant cookie and then lets her have another...I've had to brief DD and tell her not to ask for more! Not sure how effective that will be

It fascinates me that grand-parents do this - I'm sure none of them would have let their own children eat 10 biscuits before supper. Why? . YANBU but no idea how you go about changing it tactfully - one for your DH I think!

My in-laws (who also begged to be allowed to take care of DD once a week) used to give her three or four packets of chocolate buttons, a biscuit or two, sugary drinks and sometimes another kind of sweets as well over the course of about six hours (she was about three when this used to happen). I wanted her to have a good relationship with all her grandparents and was happy for them to see her and play with her as often as they liked but I was really unhappy about it, particularly as they would then tell me she wasn't hungry for her lunch and only wanted chocolate.

I kept asking nicely and pointing out that I'd like her to eat some actual food as well as sugar and some fruit or veg (or both!) over the course of the day and obv a person who has eaten a ton of chocolate won't really fancy a cheese sandwich or some pasta, and they kept on ignoring me and wittering on about loving to treat her. Once day I just lost my temper and said 'Look, if you love her so much, why do you want all her teeth to rot?'

There was silence. They absolutely had no idea what to say and although they still bring her a small bit of chocolate (eg one of those Freddo Frog things or a Kinder Egg, which seem fine as a treat a couple of times a month) when they visit, they do actually now take my point and we have never had the same kind of excess that was the norm before.

I'm not sure what my point is here in relation to your situation, except that sometimes a bit of plain speaking doesn't actually hurt. Just tell them that it's hurting your children who they claim to love.

I wouldn't worry about the TV in your shoes. The health thing would be my main worry and I think it's what you should tackle them on if you are going to do anything.

My PIL don't do this at all - we have to smuggle our own more sugary treats in with us when we visit, they are very health conscious. They stock up on fruit bars when the kids visit (which they love too)

I've now read the rest of the thread and I think if your DC was sick, you really have to say something. I am sure they don't want to be the popular grandparents just because they stuff them with food - could you maybe suggest that you don't want them to associate having a nice time with them with overeating to the point of vomiting and that they have a special puzzle/game you would appreciate them doing with them?

I don't think ur being unreasonable at all. For starters coke is not suitable for children that young and just cos they r helping u out it doesn't give them the right to feed them all that rubbish. I'm actually surprised they didn't throw up after all that I feel sick just reading about it, maybe u should just politely say that u appreciate what they r doing for u and that it's lovely that everyone enjoys their time together and the odd treat doesn't do any harm but that what they r doing is not good fir them and has real risk of making them ill. I know first hand what feeding problems can arise thru grandparents doing their own thing all the time and it actually shows a complete lack of respect for u and the way that u are trying to raise ur children. Wish u luck hon I really do I'd be fuming in ur position x x

Haber - sounds really similar in the total excess and begging to mind the children...my MIL is very very touchy however and as I said keeps calling me 'mean' in front of my kids if I won't let them have a second bowl of ice cream!
I wonder if they do it for a quiet life - I actually think talking to my 5 yo about saying no to more than one biscuit or any coke might be an easier, less contentious route than talking to my MIL!
Yes, gps can 'treat' their grandchildren more than the parents do, but I'd so much rather this didn't translate into pouring rubbish down their throats to the point where they're sick!

wheresmycaffeine - thanks so much, yes total lack of respect I'm afraid on my MIL's part - snide comments about their clothes, the 'meanness' thing, where I want them to go to school..when I had my son's hair cut she told me she was annoyed with me.....hmmm, bit of a pattern there now I've written it down! But I adore my FIL and love the idea of them spending time together...

We also had the 'mean' thing when I wouldn't let DD have sugar on her strawberries once. She was eight months old and was delighted to be given strawberries at all. I think I lost my temper that time, too, actually. They are quite nuts, given that both have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, are battling the bulge and eat super-healthily themselves.

send him there with a pack up of healthy snacks, drinks and food. Say that they are allowed to give him one treat a day only and tell the children too to enforce it.

Blame the dentist, blame tummy ache, blame having the shits and linked sleepless nights but explain that their bad diet must be the cause.

YANBU. 2 biscuits? Lovely treat at nanny's. 10 and a glass of coke to wash them down? Fuck off.

haber - think i need to learn to lose my temper...I sort of sit there fuming so its probably clear I'm pissed off! And when they drop the kids off and they (dcs) are yelling and being all coked up hyper I get very dead-eyed super-strict with the kids while my mil sort of giggles and says things like 'well they've certainly had fun, they can do ANYTHING they want in their granny's!!' Actually its all a bit infuriating...maybe I should have a tantrum at her and it'll stop!

She needs to remember they r your children not hers and denying them coke and biscuits doesn't make u mean it makes u a mum who wants their children to sleep at night so they are refreshed for school. I've been there myself ( although not quite that bad ) and it caused me no end of problems and it's just not worth it x I really hope u can get thru to her although it does sound like she's trying to prove a point thru your children which makes her the mean one I think x might be time to re think ur childcare options I'm afraid x unless u can make her see sense . Its one of those frustrating things that other people often make u feel ur over reacting about but I'm totally with u their health can be compromised even this early on and it's just not worth the risk x

Do you let them have ANY treats at home? Pigging out until they literally make themselves sick sounds extreme. Is it a case of eat it quick we wont get any for another week?
That said I would def be raising the issue of coke... If god nothing else than their teeth!!

yanbu

That's way too much junk, and once a week is regular enough! Don;t blame them but just explain the dc's health and behaviour problems and say that to improve it, you want them to cut out x y z.

Surely you can simply say please can you only give the DCs one glass of coke and a couple of biscuits.
Then when they come home they will eat some tea and not be hungry at bed time.

I'm sure grand parents won't totally stick to the exact amounts, but surely you can meet them part way.

DH introduced DD2 to coke at a stupidly young age and she loves it. She does however know that it's a treat.

I really don't think you need to fall out just compromise.

showme... yes, I do let them have treats. If they're with me in the afternoons, the 5 yo might have a lollipop, the 2 yo a chocolate rice cake, or/and they might have a biscuit each.

We don't really have chips or take aways, because I don't eat them or make them and don't do individual meals really, but on holidays they might, or if we're out at a restaurant. Typical main meal would be chicken and veg, stew, casserole, dahl, pasta with tuna steak with yogurt/fruit for dessert.

They don't have very structured activities - the 5 yo does football and singing after school, other than that, just going to the park, having fun on scooters, swimming once a fortnight or so...

In short, I don't think I'm very mean...the 5 yo has a tendency to eat and eat and eat if she can, so I do need to sort of divert her a bit. She talks about food all the time, dreams about ice cream - its a bit weird...

xmasbaby - thanks. I hope MIL will take what I say on board - I just had to call her about something else and she said something like 'the kids really love being here, because they can actually relax and be free and they know they can have whatever they want!' I couldn't bring up the food thing - a job for my dh!!

I think you are going to have to pull Mummy rank and get her to stop undermining you. Worse thing that could happen is that you withdraw the kids from her care. She'll cope ...

Alternatively leave them there over night and let them deal with the aftermath of their actions...

*Your MIL sounds li;ke she's 'dropping' that into the convo as a defence mechanism because she knows she's going over-the-top and that you'll end up having to say something.

I just don't get why grandparents do this. As someone else said they wouldn't've let us eat ten biscuits before dinner. I personally think it's all a bit of a power game

smearedinfood - having talked to my dh, I can't 'withdraw' them as she keeps banging on about how much she loves having them. There is NO way she would have fed her own children what she feeds mine....
theepeoplesprincess - tell me how its a power game? I think it is sort of but can't articulate it...
The whole thing does make me think she sort of owns them or something - its how she acts anyway. On more than one occasion i've said 'I am their mum, and I don't want them to have more chocolate' or whatever and she has said back 'well i'm their granny, and its my house, my rules'!