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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with childminder for not noticing my DS was ill?

152 replies

slackandbaggy · 31/01/2012 09:56

DS is 13 months, only his second session with childminder.

When I dropped him off I explained that he had been to out of hours GP the night before with a persistent very high temp and generally unwell. But, as children do, he seemed bright and lively in the morning, so thought he'd be fine to go. I explained I had given some Calpol but asked her to just keep an eye on his temp and please give some more if he needed it.

When I went to collect him I walked in and initially thought 'shit, he looks rough'... asked the childminder "his temp been ok?" and she said "yeh"... I picked him up and he was BOILING. Took him home and temp over 39. He was rough and poorly.

AIBU to be annoyed that i specifically asked her to watch his temp and she didn't? or am i paranoid first time mum??

Should i say something to her?

She is v experienced and good reputation and i liked her on first meeting etc. Dont want to piss off my childcare but am now worried about leaving DS more than before.....

OP posts:
Gooshka · 31/01/2012 14:33

Yeah I know SoupDragon, just didn't like the patronising "soooooooo" to the OP saying she was horrible hence childishly giving it back. This thread is infuriating me. Now I realise why a lot of MN'rs ARE horrible as, since joining myself, it's brought my own nasty, angry streak out Sad

SoupDragon · 31/01/2012 14:34
  1. the CM "professes to be experienced"
  2. you accept a childs temperature can rise unexpectedly
  3. the CM says his temperature has been OK]

So yes, smithereenies, it does boil down to whether you trust the CM or not. Either you trust her or think she has been lying.

Gooshka · 31/01/2012 14:36

Yes you are and I envy you and many of the other perfect mums on here for that.

Gooshka · 31/01/2012 14:39

Even my pants are off-White Sad

COCKadoodledooo · 31/01/2012 14:40

YABU I think. And Y were BU sending him in the first place in the situation you describe.

QuintessentialyHollow · 31/01/2012 14:42

To be honest, I think it changes the situation dramatically that he
a) was seen by a doctor late afternoon, not in the night
b) that he went to cm for 12.30 (after having been up and running around for a while) rather than around 8 in the morning where op would not have had a chance to assess him properly before taking him and
c) that he was there for 4 hours rather than a full day (from 8-5, etc)

Upon this knowledge, I say: sorry, the cm should kept a better eye on him. You were not to know that he would deteriorate so much in the few hours you were away.

choceyes · 31/01/2012 14:43

My DD is back at nursery today after I collected her early yesterday from having a high temperature. She had a dose of Nurofen yesterday at 4pm and no high temp the rest of the day or overnight. This morning she was fine and eating well. So I took her in. Phoned nursery after lunch and they said she's happy and was playing, ate her lunch and was napping at the time. So should I have kept her off nursery today?? I don't have the luxury of taking a day off work on the off chance that she might be ill. Ofcourse if she is ill, I'm am only 2 mins away, so I can get to her quickly and take her home again (I am actually not comfortable with leaving her there if she does have a temp - but nursery is fine to have her).

I always see other parents signing in calpol bottles to be given to their LOs at the nursery, so it is the normal thing to do. We can't all take a day off work on the off chance of any illness.

Two weeks ago, my DS who is 3.2yrs and at the same nursery, had a high temp over the weekend, and also woke up with a high temp, in which case I did stay at home with him and took him to the doctor, to be told it was only a sore throat. He was happy as larry the rest of the day. I could have gone into work at 10am, as he was fine by then. It is a difficult judgement call, so please give the OP a break.

My own policy is that if the child has had an overnight high temp..i.e within 12hours, I would keep them at home.

PosieParker · 31/01/2012 14:44

I have PMT and I'm not afraid to use it!! Plus I do think OP should have stayed home.

Gooshka · 31/01/2012 14:45

You know what, OP, I'd just give up now - take the positive comments from here and run! Go and enjoy being a lovely mummy and delivering all those gorgeous babies. I'm sure you do a fab job - both as a mum and a worker and I hope your little one is better soon. Smile

Animation · 31/01/2012 14:45

I don't think you should be feeling guilty about it - we live and learn all the time.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to be annoyed with the childminder though... with it only being the 2nd session.

I would drop it - and just concentrate on your baby. Is it a chest infection brewing?

Sidge · 31/01/2012 14:46

You'd hope that a CM would notice an obviously unwell child, but given that they are CM and not paediatric nurses it may be that she hasn't had much experience of sick children. Generally CMs won't accept poorly kids so she may not be terribly au fait with how they can present.

And a fever is a symptom not an illness in itself, so usually means something is going on.

It's a hard call as a working parent to know when to keep them at home and when to send them to childcare but I think with a small one that is non-verbal as well as a new CM that doesn't really know the child I'd be even more reluctant to send them.

slack I would view this as an opportunity to make it a bit more explicit about your threshold for being called.

choceyes · 31/01/2012 14:46

And nursery are monitoring her temp regularly throughout the day.

MrsHeffley · 31/01/2012 14:50

I'm far from perfect but I would never send my dc to childcare as babies in these circumstances.I have many working mums as friends I know would feel the same and have lost money as a self employed worker with sick children.

Op I think you'll have to take something from this thread other than anger at those who don't agree with you or want to make you feel better as your ds is entering into the stage of being frequently ill as he interacts more with other children and pick up things from the floor.

Snowbeetle · 31/01/2012 14:50

I've pinged you a pm. :)

Animation · 31/01/2012 14:53

MrsH - Hmm

COCKadoodledooo · 31/01/2012 14:56

I'm bloody sure though that I'd prefer a cm who simply didn't notice a high temp than one who did and didn't act- whatever form that action may have taken.

Gooshka · 31/01/2012 15:05

I think it's quite possible that the OP has got the message by now. As have all us other not-so-perfect mums - we have well and truly had our wrists slapped Blush So, on that note, I shall take my guilt-riddance, thoughtless, selfish arse off now to go and collect my neglected, unloved, children from school Sad

Gooshka · 31/01/2012 15:06

"ridden" not "riddance" though that may be a Freudian slip!

ScrambledSmegs · 31/01/2012 15:11

I agree with Quint and choceyes.

I have also had situations with my DD where taking her to nursery or not was a judgement call. A few times DD has been back to normal in the morning after being poorly the previous day, and I've taken her into nursery. 9 times out of 10 she's been fine. The remainder I've been called to collect her, and they have always done something to reduce her temperature like removing clothes or putting a damp cloth on her forehead. I am surprised that your CM didn't do anything like that, but if he really had deteriorated very fast then maybe that's the explanation.

My personal feeling is if you're really concerned then have a chat with the CM. Maybe she'll be able to put your mind at rest. I doubt you're the first worried parent she's ever seen!

Rosa · 31/01/2012 16:38

Sorry but you shouldn't have taken him in the first place especially if there were other children at present as you have probably infected them as well, You need a good 24 hr period with no fever before you even think you are coming out of the woods.
However the childminder should have noticed the symptoms.

StripeyScarf · 31/01/2012 16:42

AIBU to be annoyed that i specifically asked her to watch his temp and she didn't? or am i paranoid first time mum??

no you passed the responsibility of the caring of your child onto someone else. You cant then moan they have done a rubbish job - you chose them, you chose to leave your child, you chose to let someone else have the responsibility.

If you want your kid to come first, look after him yourself, otherwise you will have to accept that another person will care for them in another way

Kewcumber · 31/01/2012 17:01

"no you passed the responsibility of the caring of your child onto someone else. You cant then moan they have done a rubbish job" why not? - thats what she's paid to do (within reason).

If women can't pass the responsibility of their children to someone else then no working women with children and no school presumably.

Caring for them "in another way" doesn't include ignoring a temperature. "Another way" would have been saying to OP on pick up - well his temp has gone up but I didn't feel it was bad enough to call you. Her judgement and whilst you might not be happy with that, you accept that you do have to rely on someone elses judgement. Not noticing that he has a temperature is concerning (assuming as others have said that it didn't go up very close to pick up) and not what I would expect of a child care professional who is adequately doing their job.

And she doesn;t necessarily want her child to come first all the time (whose child does) even I as a SAHM have to prioritise other things above my child at times. She wants to trust her CM's judgement.

At the very least I would say to her - "did you not notice that X's temperature had really got very high?"

Snowbeetle · 31/01/2012 17:04

bravo Kewcumber!

HavePatience · 31/01/2012 20:15

Thank you, Kew
Stripey Hmm step down off your wobbly, unsupported pedestal, please.
When you use childcare, there is an expectation that they will fulfill basic duties of care for a child. Your argument is just silly.

saintlyjimjams · 31/01/2012 20:34

I suppose the argument is whether it's reasonable to miss a temperature.

I think it is given that kid's temperatures can rise very quickly. As my mother has said a million times over the years children go from playing happily one minute to collapsing in a heap the next. Certainly my experience with my three is that this is the case. And as I have said and others have said temperatures tend to rise around tea time anyway - if my kids have been ill, then seemingly ok, I never assume they are well until we've had a clear evening/night. It's not uncommon for children to be well during the day then hot in the evening night for several days in a row.

So given all that I think it would be reasonable for an excellent CM to miss the moment the temperature rose. I know I have with my own children (not that I bother taking temperatures that much anyway - more interested in how ill they are). If you think the CM is so bad that she wouldn't notice an ill child and would not call you on purpose then I'd find someone else.