The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

[aaaaaaaaargh]

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

OP you'd better stay away from the Feminism section. You head might quite literally pop with rage. Just like a balloon.

madonnawhore, I think that's a silly assumption to make.

Just because someone doesn't like the way a certain part of the forum is doesn't mean it's some darker reason. Maybe they have no experience of abuse and just don't understand why some are so upset by it.

I just think there are a lot of people who automatically assume the guy is being a twat. I mean this where it's not a clearcut case of abuse, which some undoubtedly are.

My problems with my partner were down to neither of us making an effort. I wish some people could have maybe offered suggestions to me or even just some support rather than saying "it's not working, get rid".

Just because you are registered, doesn't mean you have to post.

I have no time for people who can't say what they think under their own name, but have to hide under a name change.

#OP, if your H was having real difficulties in his relationship with you, wold you deny him some anonymous support ?

I would expect him to talk to me. Failing that, I would expect him to talk to people he trusts who KNOW us. Failing that I would expect him to talk to a professional providing impartial advice.

I couldn't deny him anonymous support as I don't control him, but I would be deeply uneasy if he used MN.

Recently I have raised my eyebrows at posters who immediately assume all sorts of stuff about any forrin and especially muslim partners, some posters sho can seem a little bit trigger happy on declaring 'EA / contol', whilst also being impressed with how preceptive many people are.

It's not a battle ground - we are here to offer prespective, a wealth of experience, and support - genuine support. Fighting over an OP in Relationships who is in difficulty is hardly going to add to her sense of strength and security. But people do it all the time.

The Refuge link below, on how to support an abused woman says "Don?t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time".

The OP of this thread has been leapt on, women who may or may not be abused have people losing patience and accusing them of being as bad as the man if they stay...would it not be better for everyone to just listen to each other and remain cooler and calmer?

The last point on the Refuge Advice is 'be patient'.

Florie yes I know women can be abusers too and abuse can never be tolerated, whatever the sex of the abuser. In my post beloew I was speaking sepcifically about men with those traits. Not all men and not defining those traits only as male ones.

#I have no time for people who can't say what they think under their own name, but have to hide under a name change.

Get over it!! Everyone does it.

yellowraincoat " Maybe they have no experience of abuse and just don't understand why some are so upset by it."

Well, yes. I said that too a few posts back.

The point people are missing here is that the relationship forum doesn't hold itself out to be a balanced judge and jury of people's relationships. By its very nature it can only be one-sided. That's the good thing about it. It's a support network by women for women. And women posting there because they feel shit ought to be able to expect support and advice. They're not posting because they want an impassive arbitration are they?

yellow perhaps on a re-read of my post to you, you will see it is in support of your intellect in making your own mind up about your own relationship

and not really aggressive at all

but, it's your opinion, you are entitled to it

1 in 4 women are abused by their partners.

On an internet forum, where people tend to post about their troubles rather than the nice (and boring to anyone else) things that happen to them, is it really that unusual that the board will be dominated by unhappy women who are experiencing a lot of controlling behaviour and abuse from their husbands/partners?

I think the relationships board is a sad but accurate reflection of the quarter of the population who are in abusive relationships.

I can categorically say I have never name changed in order to make a point

not everyone does it

No everyone doesn't do it.

I don't.
Anyfucker doesn't.

Not naming anymore names - but plenty of us don't namechange.

Re-reading it, I still find your tone aggressive AF, but maybe you didn't mean it to sound that way.

madonnawhore, honestly, I'm quite a robust person, I don't find it particularly hard to air my views. But there's times on mumsnet where I really feel I can't say what I think.

Only read the OP, What a load of bollocks.

#Why, are you abusing him?

I don't know. I'll ask him.

Phew! Firecrackers extinguished, northernlurker! :o

#No everyone doesn't do it

Ok. A lot. Pedantic or what.

it's not pedantic to make a distinction between "some" and "all"

#OP you'd better stay away from the Feminism section. You head might quite literally pop with rage. Just like a balloon.

I think most people stay away don't they? It's pretty quiet.

While I agree that most obvious thing about the relationships section is the desperate situations some people are in, and that the support that people in those positions get is brilliant, I have to admit I know what the OP is getting at.

There are certain posters who love to fill in the gaps, trotting out a women=right, men=in-the-wrong agenda, and it can actually end up being not much bloody help at all.

I posted a while back as I suspected my DP of cheating on me. I had no evidence, but he had acted in ways that I found suspicious at the time.

I hoped to talk it over with some mumsnetters who would help me make sense of what I was feeling. I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of "a woman's instinct is always right, leave the cheating bastard" posts that I got. There was no real evidence, but a vocal few filled in the gaps with all sorts of stuff from their imaginations, and were pretty vicious to me "can't you see what's under your nose" type stuff and urging me to leave my DP on the basis of a hunch, even though we have DCs together. I think they thought they were doing tough love

I actually found it very upsetting. It didn't help at all, and I left mumsnet for a while after that. I'm back now, but it changed the way I use the site.

The problem is that some posters, once having filled the gaps, believe their own bullshit, and then act accordingly. They seem to have no doubt in their own opinions, even when they've just made some stuff up about people they've never met. They also don't seem to stop and think how their assumptions might affect - or even wreck - someone else's relationship. (And please don't give me any "it's just words on a screen crap" Lots of people in relationships are in pretty vulnerable frames of mind when they post).

(My DP and I are fine now, in case you're wondering. I no longer suspect him of cheating, I'm in a much more secure frame of mind than I was then.)

You see, some of you attacking the OP - I wouldn't want you to be advising me if I was in difficulties. I'm sure many of you have the kind of experience that most of us want to avoid, and that you want other women to not have to go through it. But I would disappear under the yelling. The Refuge advice makes sense.

There is a thread going on at the moment - the OP now doesn;t feel she can come back to the thread. her friend, supporting her in RL has come on, and she too has been accused, shouted at, been treated with impatience. It doesn;t work.Offeirng advice is a matter of method as well as content.

I took the 1 in 4 statistic to be in an abusive relationship in their lifetime not all at the same time?

Or am I wrong?

yellowraincoat why not? All opinions are valid here. Some will be in the minority of course, but dissent is always healthy for discourse.

If you don't have conviction in your opinion enough to post it then that's not the fault of others on MN.

If anything, abuse isn't recognised enough by most people. And it can be difficult for posters to have their own denial punctured: how many times do we hear that sad refrain "Oh, but he's a wonderful father", or even "DS (4 months) adores his daddy" ? Posters are often so desperate to cling to a fantasy of a happy family life that they will put up with obvious infidelity, lies, verbal/physical abuse and cocklodging. People who recognise aspects of their own stories in what is being described and have come out the other side pass on often sage advice, knowing that the OP is more than likely not yet ready to leave.

People tend NOT to leave these abusive situations easily, despite the urgings of other posters. And I have NEVER seen an OP chuck in a basically decent relationship after an ordinary argument or misunderstanding because MNers have told them to. Not once.

So I don't think that boiling with rage is a proportionate response to the Relationships section, no. Because nobody does leave because a stranger suggests they should. Sadly, for many posters in abusive situations, even the wisdom of Socrates would not part them from their forlorn hopes, and we see the same OPs returning month after month, still miserable. That is more usually how it goes.

It's not that I don't have conviction (although nice try at undermining me) it's that I can't be arsed getting into a fight every five seconds.

Honestly, on some boards, I don't feel like all opinions are valid. I remember on one thread, there were only 2 of us dissenting and everyone else was saying "oh just ignore those two".

I just can't be arsed with threads like that, I don't want to be told I should be ignored to be honest. It's not as if I was being abusive, I was just stating my opinion.