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AIBU?

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Original poster

The relationship section of MN makes my blood boil.

868 replies

aaaaaaaaargh · 30/01/2012 19:42

I will never set virtual foot in there again. I have imprints on my forehead of the keyboard from where I have been banging my head against it. It makes no SENSE!!! I have a jaw like Jacob Marley. There are so many threads like this:

OP: The other day I was a miserable cow, kids were stressing me. He came home to a complete shithole and then proceeded to clean up. I could sense he was a bit miffed at the state of the house so I told him to cook his own fucking dinner. He wanted to tell me about a problem with work, but I was pissed off and told him I wasn't interested, tell someone who gives a shit. He then shouted that I didn't give a toss about him and stomped upstairs. I can't live like this anymore.

Reply: He cleaned up?? How controlling is he? He then tried to make you listen to his work problems? What about YOUR problems?

Reply: He's emotionally abusive, but you know this don't you.

Reply: Definitely controlling, he doesn't care about what you want. He wanted to make you clean up and listen to his problems. Why the fuck are you cooking his dinner?

Reply: He shouted at you? This is abusive behaviour. You don't have to put up with this, you need to really think about how to proceed. Has he shouted before? This isn't normal.

Reply: Well actually, you weren't too pleasant to him. Perhaps you should look at YOUR behaviour.

Reply (to above poster): Great support there, this woman lives with an emotional abuser. Don't speak if you haven't got anything constructive to say. Don't listen to that poster OP.

Etc, etc....

I know that a lot of people in seriously abusive or violent situations have been helped in this section, and that that is an extremely good thing, before you point that out to me.

But some of the replies on other threads!!! Madness.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/01/2012 23:51

It doesn't sit right with me either, AnyFucker, but I do think that a lot of other posters are shouted down because they don't agree with the majority on a thread or because they don't have the "right" opinion.

I whole heartedly agree with that Yellowraincoat

Sometimes (fair enough by no means all the time) a small minority of posters who frequent that particular section and are well known for giving good advice, are just downright nasty to some posters who don't share their POV...or who give the OP different advice to what they have given.

Often they take it upon themselves to ridicule that advice, tell everyone to 'ignore the twat' or sometimes they just blatantly tell the person to 'fuck off'...or they make ridiculous assumptions about them based on the advice they've given the OP.

It doesn't always happen like that of course but it does seem to happen rather a lot and it's a real shame when it does.

It's a shame for the OP..because often the posters giving these people a hard time haven't even considered that the OP may be grateful for what they see as the 'wrong advice' and actually think it 'right'...and it's a shame for MN as a whole if people are put off posting due to being jumped on in that way.

There's room for everyone here with all different POVs to bring to the table and it would be a far more helpful place imo if some people remembered that.

Florieinaweddingdress · 30/01/2012 23:52

I hear what you're saying sunshine.

But we can't apply blanket advice to every situation on the proviso that women are statistically likely to be in the right.

I'm playing devil's advocate only because this argument has struck a nerve with me. I posted on another thread today confessing my hideous temper. My DH doesn't have a temper to speak of. If anyone could be deduced to be a bully from the dissemination of a few facts about our relationship on an internet forum, out of my husband and me, it would be me.

I don't want anyone to believe that my DH is automatically on the back foot because I'm a woman and therefore I win.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2012 23:52

hatty, now those are real threads

that's why they don't bear much resemblance to the one in the OP

and yes, those make my blood boil too

if I could, I would help every person that was in a situation like that to see that is not meant to be how relationships work

so shoot me

and perhaps try to understand how responses like hatty has detailed (and I have seen, time and time again) derail a thread where a poster is getting unqualified support and understanding...and how that makes those trying to help very angry indeed

Notthefullshilling · 30/01/2012 23:53

Madonna, speaking as someone who has been "kept" myself I agree many things can become unfair not least the sense of injustice at not having a sum of money to call my own. However where your argument falls down is that unless specific stated at the start of a relationship I would say that the sharing of things is the basis for making a relationship work. Even if some things are kept separate like finances, the knock on effect of one partner becoming indebted or losing income, or becoming ill will effect the other. Then it becomes a decision of what is better for the whole unit not for the individual.

Sunshineand books, all those figures and states do indeed point very clearly to a society that is imbalanced, I agree with your point. However do we take those politic le messages and live by them, work them in to all our relationships, treat others of what ever sex in ways that reflect society? No I do not think we do, by and large people react as humans to other humans. I would want compassion and understanding not to be seen as a special case, or more/less deserving. I above all would want honesty so if I am being blinkered or passive aggressive or just being unreasonable I would hope someone would tell me in a none threatening, patronising way to examine my ideas.

madonnawhore · 30/01/2012 23:56

Notthefullshilling I don't understand what you mean about 'where my argument falls down'?

I was simply saying a gender reversal on a situation like that will always fail because it's never analogous.

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:01

I was being "cute" Maddona as your use of the phrase made me feel small and that my view was not valid.

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:01

I don't want anyone to believe that my DH is automatically on the back foot because I'm a woman and therefore I win.

why not? What does it matter? Is anyone harmed, do you care?

some of you are acting as if we don't live in a world where women are pressured into putting up with all sorts of crap in relationships, not even just because of children or attendant financial reasons but simply because relationships are such mythical attainments they are worth 'working at' - but that's bollocks isn't it? Hardly anywhere else will you hear this

madonnawhore · 31/01/2012 00:03

Notthe, your view being valid and your argument not standing up to scrutiny aren't interdependent.

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:04

So women are not to be equal they are to be "assisted" MichieInge?

Florieinaweddingdress · 31/01/2012 00:05

I think reason and fairness would be harmed if we knocked half my DH's pieces off the chest board before he'd even started playing.

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:07

what are you talking about, assisted? When they ask for assistance with a relationship problem and get it here? Yes. Liberated maybe.

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:08

I think until you can show me evidence of where my argument fails, it is very much the point madonna. Using language in a academic or clever way against in order to close off someone else's point of view is called bullying in many situation, now I am not saying for a second that was in your heart or your intent. However it felt like you were dismissing with out showing where you disagreed.

madonnawhore · 31/01/2012 00:10

I was really clear about where I disagreed. And I wasn't even specifially disagreeing with YOU, I was co-opting your example to expand my own point.

I don't know why you're so defensive. I'm having a discussion here and you're trying to make out like everything I'm saying's a dig at you. It's not.

sunshineandbooks · 31/01/2012 00:10

But yet can't remove relationships from their cultural context. Yes there are two sides to every story but in a culture that predominantly grants more weight to the man's I think it's wonderful to have a site where the reverse applies. False allegations of rape and DV by women are very rare (6%) whereas rapists and abusers lie routinely, so yes, I'll automatically believe the woman even though I'll be wrong occasionally. Sadly, not often though. Despite this I believe most men are lovely - just not those who are the partners of the women posting in relationships.

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:11

MitchieInge so liberated from what? Themselves, their own choices, the freedom they have to make their own decisions and also to be able to learn from the process of making those decisions and what flows from them?

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:14

we must live on different planets notthefullshilling - on mine there is the weight of cultural expectation and societal pressures and many other forces shaping everyone's 'choices', men and women. None of us are free!

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:16

Madonna let me backtrack I do sincerely apologise if you now feel uncomfortable. My defensiveness was that you picked up on something I said to expand your point so I felt you were arguing with ME. I have to say this is some of what my point is that people communicate in diffent ways and with out building up a clear picture of what and how different people use language it can lead to all manner of misunderstandings. I have no wish to fight or fall out with anyone.

Notthefullshilling · 31/01/2012 00:19

I think Minge you will find we are all free to make mistakes, but actually I very much agree with you and I only suggest that we should of course be aware politicly and as a society about the limitations that some people have. However we can only truly bring about freedom for women by working together with other women, and men, to rid us of our oppressors.

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:21

Our oppressors? Haha, are you Marx or something?

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:42

sorry shouldn't laugh, it is not nice that you feel oppressed

am having small fantasy in which am physically oppressed by Marx a bit and his beard is tickling my minge and he is being very stern about my bourgeois habits and opulent tastes

mmmm

tallwivglasses · 31/01/2012 00:48

then he offers you a cup of camomile because proper-tea is theft Grin

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:56

argh you owe my dog an apology - I laughed out loud and startled him!

MitchieInge · 31/01/2012 00:58

but you also appear to have cured me of what could have become a debilitating sociological masturbatory disorder - so THANK YOU

bejeezus · 31/01/2012 01:24

aaaaargh you say if you and your husband were havinf relationship troubles, you would prefer him to talk to you/ talk to people who know you/get professional counselling.

In an abusive relationship there can be very good reasons foe those options not being appropriate or safe.

It is clear that you have no awareness of abusive relatioships. Why would you want to undermine support offered by rhose who do?

'reading between the lines" and 'filling in the gaps' are phenomenally useful skills in these situations

What percentage of threads in relationships, do you think abuser/controller is wrongly called? Really?

Whatmeworry · 31/01/2012 07:29

Just because the majority disagree doesn't meant the dissenting voices are wrong

Agree.