Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping savings secret from DH

156 replies

nervousaboutcash · 29/01/2012 22:09

We lost loads in the property crash - about 60k (all our savings and DH's inheritance from his dad), after a bad investment. We came really close to going bankrupt which would've cost DH his career. We now rent (the investment was supposed to set us up with a deposit etc).

There's five of us. Our rent is over half of DH's take-home. DS1 is moving to secondary school next year but we have to hold on until then. We live in a fairly expensive area (DH can only work in London).

I'm a sahm - we have preschool twins and can't afford childcare. Before DCs I worked for a supermarket so hardly raking it in.

DH earns a 'good' salary but it's all gone as soon as we turn round. We're not on the breadline - we have about 5k each in ISAs and about 2k in a savings account.

DH isn't exactly bad with money but he has some bad habits. He'd always rather get lunch from one of the places near work than take a packed lunch (I have put my foot down on that but he feels aggrieved because he's missing out on socialising time etc). He will pop in to the corner shop and buy stuff we don't strictly need. More importantly, getting him to take action on things (like changing to an 0% credit card or paying off his overdraft with what savings we have - we could do this), is very difficult. He doesn't like my 'nagging'. I end up sort of making him do it or making the transfers myself, which makes me frustrated and him feel dictated to.

He does a regular sport, socialises after work occasionally and is going on a ski trip with friends from work (I wasn't thrilled about that but he deserves a break), so it's not like his life is just work and stressing about money.

Anyway just to paint the picture.

I have 20k savings which DH doesn't know about. It's an inheritance from my grandma. He knew about it when I got it (10 years ago), and it didn't really get mentioned. When we were facing bankruptcy we were advised to keep our finances seperate (the money wouldn't've saved the situation). It's in my maiden name. Last year I put it in a 5 year savings account.

I wasn't thinking very clearly but my thoughts were along the lines of: I want to retrain, and the course I want to do will cost us money, and the money from gran could pay for that as the twins will be starting primary school around the time the savings account vests.

Talking about this year's tax bill and the overdraft old chestnut and DH's reluctance to empty out the 2k savings account (it's earning 3% which is less than inflation and way less than the interest on the overdraft), he said he didn't like the idea of not having any 'ready money' for emergencies. I said well, we have the ISAs and he sort of made a snorting sound.

I so nearly said 'well I have 20k in savings from my gran' - but he'd be furious I've been keeping it secret and as it's locked away for another 4 years it would be an issue for at least that long. And then he'd want input into what we did with it afterwards and while I know he SHOULD - I sort of want to hold onto it, not have it frittered away.

I strongly suspect he'd backslide on our money-saving attempts if he knew about it, I guess. I don't know for sure though.

I don't know what to do. I was all panicky when I locked it away (and angry with Dh about the bad investment), and now it feels like whatever I do is going to cause more friction.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 30/01/2012 13:06

Tell that to the OP pocpoc who has told us *

I have 20k savings which DH doesn't know about. It's an inheritance from my grandma.

He doesn't know she still has this money...

PocPoc · 30/01/2012 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagesandmarmelade · 30/01/2012 13:10

he may have thought she had spent it..........

hormonalmum · 30/01/2012 13:10

Just before I got married, one of my family friends suggested I had a "running away fund". he has been happily married for over 30 years and said "it's my piece of advice and it's there if you need it"
Dh and I are happily married and I do have a "running away fund" which as it happens is tiny.
We have similar ideas when it comes to spending and saving. I'm with lurking and gramecy

smithereenies · 30/01/2012 13:19

i'm pretty much with the OP - or at least can understand how this situation arose - my granny always told me to keep some running away money - and in a way, paying to retrain is a little bit like that, in that it is something the OP will do for her own life - even if it has an impact on her family. If her family aren't suffering for lack of money, the only problem seems to be that she feels guilty she hasn't 'declared' the money to her husband. She might want to tell us how she thinks he would react if she told him about it - and if she's scared that he won't want it for her to retrain, then that might be a huge can of worms. I think I'd be a bit freaked out if I was a SAHM and had no money of my own.

FWIW I have savings of 25k, I dip in if we really need sthing, but my dh has credit card debt and suggests I pay it off - that would leave us with practically no money, and the bank actually told me not to use my savings - a track record of having money in your account can be a big advantage when it comes to mortgages etc....and in a way I wish he didn't know..

chipmunksex · 30/01/2012 13:34

One way to look at it, is that it's like how women who choose to work f/t when their children are small and childcare swallows up all their wages, one of the reasons they do it is to invest in their own future.

If you don't work in the same situation then doing what you can to safeguard some money for your (and importantly for the children's) future, be it savings that you already have or saving a bit of the cb or something, achieves the same kind of thing.

destroyedluggage · 30/01/2012 14:17

I'm with you too, chipmunksex et al.

In my view, when you agree to be a stay-at-home parent, you agree to forego your own income and financial safety so that your partner can keep theirs. I think the working partner should appreciate and value this, and if they have their non-working partner's best interest at heart, they would NOT actively seek to discourage them from having an emergency fund, or from investing in their skills and future earning potential. I'd think it was the very minimum my partner could do for me in exchange of my taking a huge financial risk for his and the family's sake.

chipmunksex · 30/01/2012 14:54

Thank you. I'm so glad what I wrote was decipherable.Smile

chipmunksex · 30/01/2012 14:55

Arghh 'what I wrote' !!??

Bogeyface · 30/01/2012 15:04

He already knows and just forgot. So where is the lie?
Saying nothing isnt lying by ommision either, he knows she got it when it was paid to her and the fact that he hasnt asked about it isnt her fault.

OP, dont say anything but dont lie if you are asked. And dont be talked out of retraining to fund his skiing trips and lunches out.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/01/2012 15:45

If a man had posted this he would have been roasted alive and everyone would say he should not keep the money from his wife. Yet when a woman wants to hide money most of MN agrees. Double standards and so wrong.

Given you are a SAHM and can only do this as he supports you then it seems even worse.

foglike · 30/01/2012 15:50

HappyMummyOfOne that's spot on.

Perhaps she should split the money so he can have a "Getting away from it all" fund?

foglike · 30/01/2012 15:51

Or indeed fund that out of his wages by saving an amount each month?

Depriving the family of much needed cash?

sunshineandbooks · 30/01/2012 15:56

HappyMummyOfOne - the OP is not a SAHM 'only' because her DH supports hre. It is a symbiotic relationship. While she could not be a SAHM without her DH's income, he could not WOH without her at home caring for the DC unless he was prepared to part with significant amounts of money for childcare (about £350 per week I'd guess).

If they split up, he would have had all the benefit of that with no consequences, whereas she will find that her earning potential and pension will suffer massively as a result. That's why it's different. If the roles were reversed and the DH was a SAHD and the OP was a WOHM, my advice - to keep the money under the SAHP's control - would still be the same.

sunshineandbooks · 30/01/2012 15:57

Though I wouldn't advocate secrecy and did say that the OP should tell her DH but insist she retains control over the money.

tomverlaine · 30/01/2012 16:06

But if they split up she'd have rights to his income and capital anyway?

I don't think the issue is who control the money but the lack of honesty/openness - If he was to find out in the future what would his reaction be?
and the fact he goes out to lunch doesn't necessarily mean that he is dreadful at money - I think going on a skiing holiday is questionable if you have financial issue and the OP supported that

sunshineandbooks · 30/01/2012 16:11

But if they split up she'd have rights to his income and capital anyway?

Sadly, she wouldn't. As a legal wife she may be entitled to half of his capital (not that he has much) but not his income. Her DC would be entitled to maintenance, but only in rare circumstances does an ex-wife get spousal support these days.

Pannacotta · 30/01/2012 17:58

I totally agree with chipmunk and destroyed. As a SAHM I gave up my job so I could look after the DCs and also so that my DH could concentrate on his work and not worry about childcare and running the house, which are my remit.
Having done this I have lost my place in the work I was doing, as well as losing contacts and also confidence.
For these reasons I feel totally ok with having a fairly large stash put aside for me, should I need it - it is quite likely I am need to re-train once the DSs are older and need me less.
And my DH does know I have an ISA but he doest know the amount I have saved.
That said, I am not 100% sure of his earnings and we have separate as well as joint accounts so are perhaps not typical.

Bogeyface · 30/01/2012 18:36

If he was to find out in the future what would his reaction be?

He already knows! Is it the OPs fault that he has either forgotten about it or made assumptions that she has spent it?

She isnt lying to him!

Squitten · 30/01/2012 18:46

I don't think you should lie OP. When the truth comes out, there will be consequences. He may never fully trust you again and you're going to have a hard time defending yourself I think.

I think you should mention it next time you discuss finances but simply stand firm that the money is already allocated. Remember, he might get the hump about it but he can't force you to withdraw the cash so he'll have to either a) moan and argue but ultimately accept it, or b) divorce you.

If he would really rather divorce you than allow you to retrain and improve yourself, you're probably better off!

NewGirlInTown · 30/01/2012 18:58

Read all of the threads on here about marriages collapsing and mothers being forced to stay with an abusive man because they have no money of their own, and it makes perfect sense to keep an emergency fund.
I would advise any woman to retain some financial independence from a partner. The reasons are blindingly obvious, particularly if you are having to give up paid work to look after children. Your career earning potential is adversely affected. Never be beholden to a man for a roof over your head or food on your table.
Keep it hidden, and see if you can add to it!

foglike · 30/01/2012 21:13

Keep it hidden and add to it?

Embezzlement.

Bogeyface · 30/01/2012 22:03

Embezzlement?

:o:o:o

FFS I really have heard it all now! thank you for making me snort like a pig with laughter Fog!

foglike · 30/01/2012 22:09

:)

FabbyChic · 30/01/2012 22:21

The fact she is harbouring 20 grand when she is telling him to take packed lunches when he brings in the bacon that she lives on happily is taking the piss.

Part of working in London is going to lunch with your colleagues not sitting at your desk like a saddo eating the packed lunch your wife made you take.

I find that abhorrent that she insists he takes packed lunch whilst she has 20k in savings she is hiding. And yes lying by omission is hiding it and it is wrong.

Swipe left for the next trending thread