Keeping savings secret from DH

[nervousaboutcash]

We lost loads in the property crash - about 60k (all our savings and DH's inheritance from his dad), after a bad investment. We came really close to going bankrupt which would've cost DH his career. We now rent (the investment was supposed to set us up with a deposit etc).

There's five of us. Our rent is over half of DH's take-home. DS1 is moving to secondary school next year but we have to hold on until then. We live in a fairly expensive area (DH can only work in London).

I'm a sahm - we have preschool twins and can't afford childcare. Before DCs I worked for a supermarket so hardly raking it in.

DH earns a 'good' salary but it's all gone as soon as we turn round. We're not on the breadline - we have about 5k each in ISAs and about 2k in a savings account.

DH isn't exactly bad with money but he has some bad habits. He'd always rather get lunch from one of the places near work than take a packed lunch (I have put my foot down on that but he feels aggrieved because he's missing out on socialising time etc). He will pop in to the corner shop and buy stuff we don't strictly need. More importantly, getting him to take action on things (like changing to an 0% credit card or paying off his overdraft with what savings we have - we could do this), is very difficult. He doesn't like my 'nagging'. I end up sort of making him do it or making the transfers myself, which makes me frustrated and him feel dictated to.

He does a regular sport, socialises after work occasionally and is going on a ski trip with friends from work (I wasn't thrilled about that but he deserves a break), so it's not like his life is just work and stressing about money.

Anyway just to paint the picture.

I have 20k savings which DH doesn't know about. It's an inheritance from my grandma. He knew about it when I got it (10 years ago), and it didn't really get mentioned. When we were facing bankruptcy we were advised to keep our finances seperate (the money wouldn't've saved the situation). It's in my maiden name. Last year I put it in a 5 year savings account.

I wasn't thinking very clearly but my thoughts were along the lines of: I want to retrain, and the course I want to do will cost us money, and the money from gran could pay for that as the twins will be starting primary school around the time the savings account vests.

Talking about this year's tax bill and the overdraft old chestnut and DH's reluctance to empty out the 2k savings account (it's earning 3% which is less than inflation and way less than the interest on the overdraft), he said he didn't like the idea of not having any 'ready money' for emergencies. I said well, we have the ISAs and he sort of made a snorting sound.

I so nearly said 'well I have 20k in savings from my gran' - but he'd be furious I've been keeping it secret and as it's locked away for another 4 years it would be an issue for at least that long. And then he'd want input into what we did with it afterwards and while I know he SHOULD - I sort of want to hold onto it, not have it frittered away.

I strongly suspect he'd backslide on our money-saving attempts if he knew about it, I guess. I don't know for sure though.

I don't know what to do. I was all panicky when I locked it away (and angry with Dh about the bad investment), and now it feels like whatever I do is going to cause more friction.

second if I get it back now I lose all the interest, and retraining plus childcare would gobble it all up plus more.

compos its along the line of midwife/teacher/nurse - already have unrelated first degree so don't qualify for extra help and dh's salary too high.

i don't. If I share it it will be frittered away on nothing or used as a stick to beat me with (not literally).

I want it to be for me, for my retraining. Not for holidays or anything else.

If you are in a state of emergency and fighting a tide of debt then I think you would need to release the funds and pay some things. Especially if the stress of carrying all of this debt on his sole shoulders was making your dh ill. However you have liquid finds and ISA's available there...and by the sounds of it the stress isn't mentally affecting your DH.

But I agree I'd be a bit wary about not keeping something back if what your saying is anything to go by and he is very bad at making decisions with the family money.

He knew about you gm's inheritance, did he ask you to hand it over to match his dad's inheritance? If not and he cocked up the investment I personally wouldn't be worrying.

And if I was absolutely terrible with money, and made bad decisions that affected my family stability, then yes I would expect my husband to take steps to protect the kids future and would have to admit to taking advice.

OP your DH seems careless with money, so I dont blame you for wanting to keep your stash away from him!

I think that is a pretty big lie TBH, I would be shocked and very sad if DH was keeping that sort of thing from me.

I understand wanting to keep it seperate from the family pot, but I don't think I could sleep at night with the lie.

it's a huge lie. But what do I do? Come clean now, or in 4 years?? or never and make some reason up for why i can afford the training.

either way I have lied and lied.

I think you will feel better if you tell him ASAP, just because he knows about the money doesn't mean he has to have access to it.

You can't control his reaction, you can only control what you do.

In your circumstances I would tell him, tell him that it is tied up in the term deposit and what it is earmarked for. I would be unmovable on it staying there (unless of course it was the difference between eating/homelessness etc).

When the time comes to retrain, remember that you have a right to your own life, he may not be happy about it, but he can't force you to not run your life as you see fit. He does of course have the right to decide he doesn't want to be married to you anymore, but he doesn't have the right to control you.

Do you want to stay married to him? You can't have a marriage with these sorts of secrets, it just isn't a great idea.

There will be fallout from your having lied, but when you make a mistake the best way to deal with it is upfront and clean it up. Continuing to deceive is just going to make things worse, it undermines you and your marriage.

Op, you haven't lied. You told him about the inheritance when you received it. He has forgotten about it.

I think you shouldn't say anything now, just wait the four years then enroll on your course, and tell your DH that your inheritance paid for it if he asks. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are saving that money to provide a better future for your family, rather than throwing good money after bad with the investments, or frittering it away on holidays.

All those things you mention have greater earning potential than supermarket work, so will benefit the family financially and hopefully repay the investment. If you'd been hoping to train as a gas lamp lighter or a steam train driver.

It remains your money to control and use, he cannot access it without your say so. If he comes up with any harebrained schemes, you just need to remain firm. If he gets insistent, just say that you can't withdraw until the end of the set period.

I think you'll feel better once he's been told. A good way to do it would be to float the idea of retraining with him. He'll ask about finance and then explain that you'll use the money you told him about years ago.

He'd always rather get lunch from one of the places near work than take a packed lunch (I have put my foot down on that but he feels aggrieved because he's missing out on socialising time etc).

A compromise would be take a packed lunch Mon-Thur and go to the pub/cafe on a Friday. Socialising could also be useful for work, you hear about things that you don't in the office.

More importantly, getting him to take action on things (like changing to an 0% credit card or paying off his overdraft with what savings we have - we could do this), is very difficult. He doesn't like my 'nagging'. I end up sort of making him do it or making the transfers myself, which makes me frustrated and him feel dictated to.

Have you run your debts through the snowball calculator?

www.whatsthecost.com/snowball.aspx

Go through your current situation, see how long it takes to get debt free and how much interest you will pay. Play around with how it changes when you do the 0% transfers. Show him the results.

If you keep savings and have an overdraft & other debts, you will pay more in interest and it will take longer to get debt free. I can understand him wanting some cash handy, after you've transferred keep an empty card and make that your emergency card. You keep hold of it. You're renting so what type of emergency would need 2k? If anything big breaks such as the boiler/washing machine/oven, it would be LL's responsibility to sort out.

You could also show him what happens if you increase the debt repayments each month and how much extra cash you'll have at the end when it's all paid off. 'If we could cut back spending by £10/20/30 a week this is how much faster we'll be debt free'.

That might encourage him to stop his trips to the corner shop.

Another approach is to go through the different scenarios, print them out and leave them somewhere for him to find himself.

Pragmatically, I would say don't mention it now. If you tell him you have a large sum locked up while you are struggling financially it will cause a lot of tension. Hopefully, in four years you will be in a much better situation and it won't be such a big deal when you use it to pay for your retraining.

You haven't lied. You told him about it at the time . However , it would be wrong to hide it or lie about it -but next time you are discussing savings, you need to say that the ISAs need to be used if required because the money from your grandmother has been locked down in an inaccessible deposit account.

OTOH, it's not right that he gets to call all the shots about financial decisions either.

I don't blame you, but I don't think you're being fair. If I had used my only inheritance for the family (unwisely yes) and lost it, I would be very hurt to discover DH was hiding his for his own use, or as a 'running away fund'. What's yours is mine and what's mine's me own and all that. I don't disagree with what you want to do, but I do disagree with the lying and slight selfishness.

By all means keep it locked away, that is a great excuse for not frittering it. It could have been locked away all this time for all he knows.

Am I the only one wondering what responses would be if a woman posted on here about her husband having 20k savings and not telling her about them?

Of course the responses would be different. Do you think somebody with a job, a career and an income is in the same situation as a stay-at-home parent, who's financially dependent on his/her partner? I'm not talking about gender here, I'm talking about their comparative situations and, in this case, also their attitudes to spending.

If a woman posted here saying her husband is hiding 20K, I'd ask the same questions. What reasons does he have to hide it? Is the wife careless with her spending? Is it the husband's only reserve to fall back on? Does he have his own income? If not, why not? Is the money earmarked for something the wife is likely to try and talk him out of?

I personally would tell my husband about the 20K. I would, however, also make it clear that it's for my retraining.

There's so many elements to this, my post is all disjointed and full on non-sequiturs.

I hate all this "keeping something for yourself" aspect. Before I came on here, it would barely have occurred to me to do anything like that. Reading the many, many dreadful cases in Relationships really puts a different spin on things...but how can people live in this one foot in/the other foot out state all the time? What's the point in being in a committed, trusting relationship if they have a running away fund, as someone put it. I don't understand it.

In a healthy relationship, if one person has that much money saved away, the other person should know about it but equally, should not put any pressure on what to do with it. You either trust your partner or you don't - you trust them with the knowledge and you trust them not to put the screws on you when deciding on what to do with it. But hey you know what, in my relationship, I'm happy to offer my bonus to pay off my husbands debt. That's because it's our bonus, our debt and we would be better off in the long run with it gone.

If I understand it correctly, you have 12K between you, aside from this money? I would say you are very, very far away from the breadline! I can understand your husband's need to keep the savings rather than pay off the overdraft. As logically sound as it is, emotionally parting with that money can make it difficult to see the long-term benefit. I myself have only just come round to the logic of this. It takes a lot to let go of the security of savings - and I have never seen, nor lost, the amounts you are talking about. I can't imagine how much that scenario would make you hang onto what you've got left!

Couldn't you, if you see the sense in paying off the overdraft, pay it off from your share of the 12K that he does know about?

One more little thing - I also live in London. You don't need to live in an expensive area if you work in London - I work in the City; doesn't mean I have to live in the Square Mile! I live in Zone Four and manage perfectly fine. Of course, there's the benefit of paying more in rent to offset against much, much cheaper travel but maybe that's something you could look into.

Sorry OP - this sounds like I am really sniping at you. I don't mean to. It just amazes me all the things people say they couldn't possibly do, while at the same time saying they are broke.

I would tell him, as soon as possible. Not telling him makes it look like you don't trust him - which you've pretty much said you don't. Despite what you say about him seeming emotionally fine about the lost money, it must have had a huge effect on you both. Particularly for men - I don't often subscribe to gender attributes - but I do think men have the evolutionary thread running through them of providing for and continuing on the safety of their family. He didn't - through bad luck or misjudgement, he put the financial security of his family in jeopardy. That has to eat away at a person, and I think it's pretty far-sighted of you to think otherwise. His behaviour and attitude reek of it - he wants to maintain the facade of being a little devil-may-care with money, yet at the same time wants to hang - illogically - onto savings.

You feel he'd put you under pressure to spend it. You're either in this together or you're not. If you feel the need to keep such a huge amount secret, through fear of him frittering it on your shared debts, just be honest with yourself about that and admit you don't trust your husband.

I can understand why you are doing what you are doing...but it does sit uneasy with me.

You are married. I know when I married...my vows included "and all my worldly goods with you I share". Doesn't seem right to have such a major secret...

DH and I share our money (although we do have separate accounts as well as joint ones....and investments - ISAs and Bonds). We trust each other 100% and when we get given money...it's generally shared. This works for us.

I think your DH should be aware of what you have. He works hard and shares his income with you (which is right).
That's not to say you should spend the money...but you should have a mutual agreement on what is done with it...whether it is invested in or whatever. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

My husband has no idea what I'm worth - a vague one yes but not the exact details - just as I have no ideas exactly what he's worth apart from a vague one.

When DS was tiny he used to take 0% credit card loans and invest on the stock exchange - did OK, at one stage he had an investment windfall (when things were very tight actually) and invested the 27k without telling me - I was cross when I found out but now when he turned it into 78k.

We are really bad about consulting over money and always have been. DH is also slightly more careful than me. OTOH we never waste money. Been together 23 years.

I really don't see the problem about you having 20k stashed away, especially if your dh is less careful than you - one day he might be very grateful it's still there.

Just re-read my post - the bit about paying off my husband's debt makes it read like I am suggesting you give away the 20K on whatever your circumstances are right now.

That's definitely not what I'm saying. What I am saying is I wouldn't get my bonus and not tell my husband about it, and keep it secret because I want to use it for something for me and worry he will talk me out of it. The stuff about paying off his debt, with my money, is to demonstrate that for good or bad, I'm in this life with my husband and he is with me. It's actually through his attitude to our relationship that I learnt this, and not some bad case of innocent female naivety!

You should tell him and expect, very reasonably, that you come to an agreement about what is best to spend it on. You offer him your trust that he learnt from the previous financial catastrophe and in return you don't expect him to put pressure on you. You never know, he might even agree about the eminently good idea of spending it on re-training!

Emotionally as well as financially, you have to write off DH's bad investment. Nobody picks winners every time, even the people who are paid hundreds of millions of dollars to do so. I certainly have some complete turkeys lurking in my stock portfolio and I'd be very upset if DH held it against me.

Forget about it - the money is gone, and if you let it fester, it will destroy your relationship and the money will still be gone.

I think you should tell your DH about the savings. It can't be frittered and it's earmarked for a purpose. Use it as a starting point for an honest discussion about your joint finances.

I think you should tell him/remind him. It's wrong to claim that its not lying because he already knew about it when you know he has forgotten. Didn't it get discussed when you were investing your savings/his inheritence in your investment - or was it never going to be used?

it does seem off to me that people think the OP is ok to keep this to herself- as she is a SAHM- it seems to be a case of what is his is ours and what is hers is hers alone.

it does seem off to me that people think the OP is ok to keep this to herself- as she is a SAHM- it seems to be a case of what is his is ours and what is hers is hers alone.

I didn't say it's OK to keep it "as she's a stay-at-home mum". Incidentally, I think it'd be OK to keep it anyway, as it's her inheritance. It's not jointly acquired. Even in a divorce it wouldn't be considered a joint asset. It's hers. I'd never consider something my husband inherited from his relatives mine, it would simply never occur to me. He wouldn't have to hide it from me either, as I'd have no claims on it, or any sort of expectation as to how to use it. If he still hid it then yes, I'd wonder why he thinks he has to do it.

As for "what is his is ours and what is hers is hers alone" - what do you think is "yours" when you have no income yourself and depend on your partner? What if you have no income because you're raising your (joint) children and therefore unable to work? What would qualify as "yours alone" in that situation? Or do you think you should just throw everything into the joint pot and hope for the best?