Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

who should pay for birthday meals??

125 replies

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:29

We went to my MIL 50th birthday at a fancy (ish) restaurant. I really thought PIL would be paying so was surprised when people started divy-ing up at end of meal. Some others were quite obviously surprised as well from the looks on their faces.
There were about 20 people there and all close family (plus children, partners).
We ended up having to put in £70 which was probably a bit more than we ate but dp just asked how much and MIL said £70.
I am not working at moment (small child to look after) and £70 is a lot of money to us. Even if we'd known in advance we'd be paying it would have been very hard for us to get out of it and it is MIL.
I just feel a bit fed up about it especially as we were basically coerved into starters and deserts when usually we'd just go straight to mains and share a starter.
What do others think about this?? Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??
Also just before xmas a mummy friend had a birthday and invited me and dc and some others for lunch at a restaurant. I had no excuse not to go so went. Again the bill was divided up and I lost out a bit as I didn't drink any wine. I was kinda hoping she'd pay. Usually I wouldn't eat out lunch mid-week and if I did I would go somewhere I could use a voucher. That cost me £25 just for me. I guess in future I should refuse - but it's hard to know how as saying it's on cost grounds a bit embarrassing.
Would be grateful for people's views.

OP posts:

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:30

sorry I mean we'd go straight to mains and share a desert.

OP posts:

iamme43 · 29/01/2012 17:32

I am afraid there are no guidelines here, but my own guideline is if I cannot afford the outing I don't go.

If someone else then pays I am quids in.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/01/2012 17:32

Well if it were my in-laws or parents - they'd pay. But I wouldn't expect friends too.

And if it was a £700 overall bill - that is a lot which they perhaps couldn't afford.

Do they generally pay if you go out?

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:32

Also re the mummy friend's birthday a friend of ours didn't reply to her text inviting people (I suspect she just thought it a waste of money and didn't know what to say) and the friend who had the birthday spent a lot of the meal bitching about her and complaining that the absent friend would never "put herself out" for anyone.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 29/01/2012 17:32

It wouldn't cross my mind that the birthday person or their partner would pay for me. I often get invited out in a group when its a friend's birthday and we always pay for our own meals.

marmiteandjam · 29/01/2012 17:33

Twenty people is a lot of people to pay for unless your FIL is quite wealthy. I do agree that it should have been made clear before you went that you would have had to pay your share. Also, there is nothing to be embarrassed about if you have to say that you can't afford to go out.

talkingnonsense · 29/01/2012 17:33

Well, for a friends bd I would expect to pay, but for a family 50th maybe not. Depends how well off pil are, and if it was only family iyswim. I think they should've probably said before- but for a friend I would definitely expect to pay.

JustHecate · 29/01/2012 17:34

I would expect that to have been sorted out in advance, tbh. I think either way is fine and normal - person whose birthday it is is 'treated' or is the one organising what is in effect a party for themselves and paying for it.

In future, ask what the arrangements are. Don't make assumptions, just ask. Then you won't get a shock on the night.

waterrat · 29/01/2012 17:34

re. your MIL - I would have expected them to pay if it was a small dinner - if it's large group it depends on how they normally behave. My parents would pay but they are like that, so I would expect it. I can imagine not everyone could afford to pay for 20 people to have lunch.

re. your friend, there is absolutely no way that I would expect a friend to pay for everyone to have a birthday lunch and I'm surpised you expected that! I dont think it's at all rude to refuse to go to lunch on cost grounds - who cares what other people think. If you dont think you will enjoy it, because you can't afford it, then don't go. if you would feel better, make another excuse. But I have never, ever known someone pay for their friends to have lunch.

I don't understand your 'I had no excuse'. thats a horrible reason to go for lunch. just dont go! life is too short for that crap.

The only reason parents are different is that parents do often treat their children, even once they are adults. I think with a 50th, I would have expected them to pay too.

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:35

It would be £350 overall which they probably could afford (both working, grown up kids). (£70 was for 2 of us).
We hadn't had other meals out with the for them to pay/not pay. But when my parents have special meals, they pay.
iamme43 - totally agree but how to I find out who's paying??

OP posts:

GlendaGoose · 29/01/2012 17:35

Nothing wrong with being upfront with people and saying 'I'm sorry I can't afford it'.

Spidermama · 29/01/2012 17:36

I always expect to divvy up the bill for birthday meals out. A bit mean to expect one person to pay for all of it. Not very democratic.
Perhaps it should have been clearer at the outset then you might not have been tempted to eat and drink £70 worth of food and drink.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/01/2012 17:37

Weren't there 20 of you - doesn't that make £700 or has my maths gone wrong?

Grumpla · 29/01/2012 17:38

I'd expect the bill to be divvied up minus the person whose birthday it is. Not much of a treat for them otherwise, is it?

catsmother · 29/01/2012 17:38

I think that unless someone says explicitly that the meal will be their treat then you have to assume that you'll be paying for yourselves - not that I don't appreciate how difficult that's increasingly becoming for many families. It is hard when you're invited out for a special occasion by close friends or family though because you feel guilty declining an invite because you can't afford it .... it's human nature to be worried about offending the asking party, even if you genuinely can't afford that outlay. Also, I've personally found that a lot of people simply don't (or refuse to) understand exactly what it means to be broke when you say you are .... some people react as if you're being mean, as opposed to sensible, and can be quite off about it, making such remarks as "surely you can make the effort for so and so's 40th" etc., as if you can't be bothered .... and you end up feeling awful.

TheSecondComing · 29/01/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruddynorah · 29/01/2012 17:39

for a birthday meal everyone pays for themselves. different groups will have different ideas about how this is done, ie all pay same amount or all pay for what they ate. when i go with friends we pay for what we ate and order from the bar for drinks so non drinkers don't get lumbered. however we often choose to go to places where it's 2 courses for £15 etc so everyone knows up front how much it will be. this certainly works best with large groups.

as for family groups that really depends. if we ask a set of parents out then we split the bill with siblings. if the parenst ask us out then they pay for everyone. if we go out just sibling groups we split the bill.

sharenicely · 29/01/2012 17:39

So because (you thought) they were paying you had starters and dessert but if you were paying you would have just had a main?

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:40

We didn't eat/drink £70 - that was the pooled amount I think (i.e. £350 / 10).

Re the friend - ok I guess it was fine for her not to pay - I was just a bit surprised I guess as she made such a fuss about people going and how it was because her dp was away that week and chose a really inconvient time (I'd pre paid a baby group that I had to miss - she knew this), that I just thought perhaps she might pay. Of course if it was just a group of friends type meet up I expect to pay but then I might like some input into where we go/ day/ time etc.

OP posts:

JustHecate · 29/01/2012 17:40

"but how to I find out who's paying??"

You ask.

Ask.

"Meal sounds lovely. What are the arrangements? Is everyone paying for themselves, or are we all putting the same amount into the kitty?"

That way, if you're not paying, they'll say "oh no, don't worry about that, we're paying" but it doesn't look like you're expecting a free meal!

gigglepin · 29/01/2012 17:40

I would NEVER presume that some one else was paying for my family meal, it wouldnt even occur to me tbh.

With my circle of family and friends we all chip in and pay for the person whos bithday it is. But come to think of it, there has never been a discussion abut this, we just kinda do it.

My pil are skint and have always been so they simply couldnt afford it.

I also have no problem with saying, sorry, we cant afford it..no matter who it is.

Bunbaker · 29/01/2012 17:41

"I was kinda hoping she'd pay"

Why? If I am invited out for a meal for someone's birthday I wouldn't expect them to pay. Unless someone said beforehand "I'm paying" it isn't usually the done thing. However, my friends are much more fair and we don't divide the bill evenly if one of us is driving.

"Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??"

Yes. It is usual. In the 30 odd years I have been invited out for celebration meals no-one has paid for my meal and I have never expected them to. Where do you get this idea from?

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:41

hey - sorry my maths is useless - you are all right - it was £35 per head so £700 overall!!

OP posts:

ShagOBite · 29/01/2012 17:42

YABU.

What on earth made you think they would pay in either circumstance? Grabby.

Heswall · 29/01/2012 17:43

We have invited parents/siblings to a christening meal for example and paid for everyone.
Friends though I would expect the bill to be divided up, it's so petty, she had wine, she had a side of chips. Sometimes you win sometimes you lose.
Does annoy me when I have steak because it's all I eat off the menu and somebody who's usually pissed on two bottles of wine comments.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread