who should pay for birthday meals??

[tiggerflies]

We went to my MIL 50th birthday at a fancy (ish) restaurant. I really thought PIL would be paying so was surprised when people started divy-ing up at end of meal. Some others were quite obviously surprised as well from the looks on their faces.
There were about 20 people there and all close family (plus children, partners).
We ended up having to put in £70 which was probably a bit more than we ate but dp just asked how much and MIL said £70.
I am not working at moment (small child to look after) and £70 is a lot of money to us. Even if we'd known in advance we'd be paying it would have been very hard for us to get out of it and it is MIL.
I just feel a bit fed up about it especially as we were basically coerved into starters and deserts when usually we'd just go straight to mains and share a starter.
What do others think about this?? Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??
Also just before xmas a mummy friend had a birthday and invited me and dc and some others for lunch at a restaurant. I had no excuse not to go so went. Again the bill was divided up and I lost out a bit as I didn't drink any wine. I was kinda hoping she'd pay. Usually I wouldn't eat out lunch mid-week and if I did I would go somewhere I could use a voucher. That cost me £25 just for me. I guess in future I should refuse - but it's hard to know how as saying it's on cost grounds a bit embarrassing.
Would be grateful for people's views.

My DF invited us out for his birthday lunch, and made it clear he would pay, he wanted to treat his family. When the bill came BIL (who had just had an inheritance) grabbed it and insisted DF couldn't possibly pay for his own birthday and that the kids would cover it thoughless for the 2 of us who were on a budget and took the spotlight away from my DF.

and actually. I'd probably end up paying for the birthday girls meal too is she was a close friend

If I go anywhere, I go on the assumption that I will pay for myself. If I could not afford it I wouldn't go. If someone specifically offers to pay before hand or at the end then fine but I would never expect it, it is rude.
If we go out for a meal with my family my dad always picks up the bill but we all take money and offer to pay our share at the end anyway. If we go out for someones birthday, we all pay for ourselves and pay a little extra to cover the birthday person's meal/drinks.

Next time just say, sorry we can't afford it.

Can I please just say something?

STOP SAYING MUMMY FRIENDS!

Thanks!

Unless someone says 'my treat' I would assume it was a case of pay for your own.

You behaviour wasn't that classy. You wired into three courses when you wouldn't normally as you assumed you were filling your boots on someone else's dollar. Now you are throwing a hissy fit when....shock horror....you had to pay for the food you'd selected and eaten.

Plain greedy in my book.

Whenever we go out in a group for a meal we always divide the total and pay for ourselves. If we are out for a birthday then the birthday person never pays for their own.

Tiggerflies - I sort of agree with what you mean about the meal with your MIL.

The thing is that if family members organise meals out which are really like a party to celebrate something, then you can't really say no. So I think in that situation the person organising it should either have it at home, or pay for everyone, or discuss it with everyone in advance and check if everyone is happy with the cost.

Thanks for all your replies!

My dp was actually the one who arranged things with MIL. i.e. she rang him up said they were going for a meal for her birthday on set day. would it be ok? and that she would get back to us with the place. He asked me if it was ok - I said fine, not doing anything that day. Then a few days before she told him the name of the restaurant. I never actualy spoke to her so couldn't ask re paying. My dp was dead set on going (he's a bit of a mummy's boy) so there's no way he wouldn't have gone anyway.

we sent her a nice bunch of interflora on the day (a few days earlier) by way of a present. The meal was definitely billed as a sort of "party" - and was only very close relatives - their 4 kids +3 partners; 2 siblings of the MIL and partners; 2 nephews; the granny; our dc.

PIL not badly off and could have afforded it - always boasting about privately educating their kids etc.

Also we have paid for meals for them come to think of it, if they visited sometimes we would take them out and always pay, also takeaways they never even offered anything.

Together we spent £70 on meal, £20 on petrol and around £40 (not sure as dp ordered them) on flowers. ok flowers we didn't need to buy just feel that the £90 on petrol and meal we didn't really have a choice.

Re my friends - ok probably I was BU then - I just should have refused. Just she was bigging it up so much and making such a fuss I didn't feel able to. I only mentioned it here as was fed up re the MIL meal and remembered I'd been stung over another birthday meal recently..

Btw pls stop criticising me re the 3 courses - we were coerced into them by FIL and others - we defintely suggested going straight to mains!

My dh's family is huge with many people not seeing each other for decades in some cases. We try to get together for significant birthdays. In our case everyone buys their own drinks and the meal is split. One test a great aunt insisted that everyone paid for what they had. There were loads of groans and people wanted to stay with our old way. It took ages working the bill out for thirty people itemising every thing. We went back too our old way the next meal.

When I go out with friends I have learnt to say. 'right, those that want to pay for their own order your own and get your own bill. It works out fine now.

Do you think with friends birthdays there's an obligation to buy a present if there's a meal? with my friend I spent money on her present and noticed the others bought her one too - a bit like attending a party without a presnt would be odd - but if there's an assumption I should be paying is the present not really nec? (she certainly didn't buy me one- not sure she even knows when my birthday is).

My rule would be that if friends of the birthday person organise the meal, then we all pay, as a gift, and maybe have a joint pooled present.

If the birthday person organises the meal, then it's equivalent to a party and they should pay the bill.

I think it's extremely unfair for someone to choose the restaurant, the meal, and then expect others to pay for it without previous warning.

In this case, YANBU.

YBVU

I can't believe you would EXPECT someone to pay for YOUR meal. Wow

So, do people pay at the door if they are invited for a meal at home?

OP just because everyone else had a starter, didn't mean you had to. It would have been perfectly okay to say 'I'm fine' or 'still trying to shift the xmas weight, so I'll pass'

Alternatively, just order an orange juice, if you don't want to sit around while others eat. Then when it comes to settling up, you can with all justification chuck in less than everyone else.

As someone else has pointed out, you are probably quite young and not fully up to speed with the etiquette for adult parties/social gatherings, so apologies if I was unduly harsh.

Let this be a salutary lesson to you. Always assume you are paying and then on the odd occasion someone else does, it is a bonus.

I'm with Leuji on this. YANBU.

I invited 10 friends to celebrate my 30th incl an older gent who shared the same birth day. He happened to be a manager at our work, but I paid the bill. I invited people to join me, I wouldn't expect them to pay. I think in the end it cost me about AU$1k and it was my pleasure to treat them.

Although I do agree with Compos up to a point.

It's always best to assume that the other person may be unreasonable and that we are paying. :)

Regardless, if I think someone else is paying, I am more likely to eat less expensive food and cut on deserts and starters, unless the person paying insists.
If I think we are sharing, I'm more likely to have what others are having, so I don't end up having little and paying for the others, if that makes sense.

No point in causing trouble in this instance, of course, but I'd make sure rules were more clear next time.

OK I guess I could have just refused to have a starter but my dp would have had one anyway and I would have looked odd and a bit moody given my FIL specifically told me everyone was having them. The meal went on for almost 4 hrs! There was a lot of chatting/ waiting for the food to arrive also loads and loads of photos - posed groups etc.

And thanks Lueji and HerRoyalNotness for your comments - I know pretty much everyone thinks IABU but it's nice to know that some people think along similar lines to me..
I guess it's my dp problem anyway - next time I'll tell him to find things out in advance.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, just not fully clued up when it comes to the intricate rules of adult social situations. This is wholly understandable given you are still in your mid-20s.

You just need to learn between the lines a bit, which takes time and experience and is certainly nothing to beat yourself up about.

I have never been to a birthday meal where the birthday person paid for the meal or even for their own meal - all of the people either pay for their own plus a share of the birthday person, or have just divvied it up evenly!

I would never ever expect to go ot for someone elses birthday and for them to pay for everyone's meal, it's nice when it happens bt you shouldn't expect it! I do hate having to pay for othr people's alcohol though.

A 50th birthday is a big occasion though so you should have expected it to go on a while. What did Dh think?

*If the birthday person organises the meal, then it's equivalent to a party and they should pay the bill.

I think it's extremely unfair for someone to choose the restaurant, the meal, and then expect others to pay for it without previous warning.*

What? Are you mad? It's more like the birthday person saying "I'm going for a meal at Blank on Tuesday, you are welcome to come" . That does not mean you have to pay for everyone.

If it did, only rich people would eat out on their birthdays.

I have never come across this before. In my circle, when it's someone's birthday, they ask you to join them in pub/restaurant and you take enough money to cover your drinks and food. You would probably take a pressie and card too.

Why should the birthday person bankrupt themselves in order to pay for their friends on their birthday? it's more like a punishment than a birthday treat. Some people don't have hundreds of pounds. That doesn't mean they shouldn't have any friends join them on their birthday because they can't pay for them all.