who should pay for birthday meals??

[tiggerflies]

We went to my MIL 50th birthday at a fancy (ish) restaurant. I really thought PIL would be paying so was surprised when people started divy-ing up at end of meal. Some others were quite obviously surprised as well from the looks on their faces.
There were about 20 people there and all close family (plus children, partners).
We ended up having to put in £70 which was probably a bit more than we ate but dp just asked how much and MIL said £70.
I am not working at moment (small child to look after) and £70 is a lot of money to us. Even if we'd known in advance we'd be paying it would have been very hard for us to get out of it and it is MIL.
I just feel a bit fed up about it especially as we were basically coerved into starters and deserts when usually we'd just go straight to mains and share a starter.
What do others think about this?? Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??
Also just before xmas a mummy friend had a birthday and invited me and dc and some others for lunch at a restaurant. I had no excuse not to go so went. Again the bill was divided up and I lost out a bit as I didn't drink any wine. I was kinda hoping she'd pay. Usually I wouldn't eat out lunch mid-week and if I did I would go somewhere I could use a voucher. That cost me £25 just for me. I guess in future I should refuse - but it's hard to know how as saying it's on cost grounds a bit embarrassing.
Would be grateful for people's views.

And thanks Lueji and HerRoyalNotness for your comments - I know pretty much everyone thinks IABU but it's nice to know that some people think along similar lines to me..
Perhaps they are being unreasonable as well!!!!

"My dp was dead set on going (he's a bit of a mummy's boy) so there's no way he wouldn't have gone anyway."

It's his mother for goodnes sake. If I still had a mother I would go for her birthday. I would think less of my husband if he didn't want to celebrate his mother's birthday.

"I invited 10 friends to celebrate my 30th incl an older gent who shared the same birth day. He happened to be a manager at our work, but I paid the bill. I invited people to join me, I wouldn't expect them to pay. I think in the end it cost me about AU$1k and it was my pleasure to treat them."

I guess you aren't in the UK. It is simply too expensive to pay for a meal out for a party of people unless you are loaded, which is why it is common practice for families and friends to split the bill when going out.

We went to stay with some wealthy friends for the weekend a few years ago. On the Saturday evening they said we were going out for dinner as there was a lovely restaurant they wanted to show us. For "lovely," read expensive. That cost us £120, which we hadn't budgetted for, but how could we have got out of it? As weekend guests we were kind of at their mercy.

Generally

If guests out numbered hosts I would expect an want to pay.

If I was the only guest at a family meal I would be fully prepared to pay unless told otherwise

If it was equal guests/hosts I would expect to split the bill equally.

If I was someone's special occasion I would expect to cover all or a percentage of that persons food.

I would never go anywhere or do anything if I couldn't afford it.

I would never expect a "mummy friend" or similar to pay, wouldn't cross my mind.

Don't go out if you can't reasonably afford it or say "I have x amount so will be having tap water and the cheapest thing on the menu" then others can offer to buy you a drink, pay etc I go out with work friends often and sometimes one will say this, we don't mind and if anything appreciate it more that they are wanting to join us even though they cant afford much.

I always expect to pay my share at birthday meals unless it has been said by the person inviting that it is their treat. My parents and fil would pay, but I would always always offer to pay my share and not assume they will pay.

If I was payiong for people I owuld always make it explicit in my invite that it was my treat. Otherwise everyone splits the bill.

I wonder with posts like this, how well off the OP is that £700 is a perfectly affordable amount. Like the OP's in laws, both I and my DP work, but we couldn't afford £700 for a lunch without some serious saving.

And tbh with a 50th, if they could afford it, it would be more common amongst peoplel I know for the children to offer to pay for it.

Also I note mil rang your DH said they were thinking of going for a birthday meal and asked him what he thought. This was the time to say a great idea, but we don't have much money at the moment so can it be somewhere cheap. Then they could either organise somewhere cheap or offer to pay for you.

And most people would never organise anything if the expectation then was they paid for everyone.

YABVU, I would always go assuming that I would have to pay for myself.

Like others have said if out with friends the birthday girl/boy wouldn't have to pay, the cost of their share would be split amongst everyone else.

You pay for your own families food unless someone has clearly stated before hand that they are going too.
If you drink a lot of booze or haze J2O guzzling DCs, or have puddings and starters the others don't you stick in a hearty donation.

Mum's 70th. I took up the desert order and paid before there was any argument.

But most of all be honest if you can't afford it, celebrate a different way.

Its very unreasonable to expect people to pay for your meal - friends or in-laws. Why should your in laws pay 700 quid when you don't want to pay 70 quid?!
I would also do the opposite of what you said and order less if I knew for sure someone else was paying.

I have to say that since I have been an adult with access to my own money, I´ve never expected anyone to pay for anything for me!

OP - The examples you give of friends paying for everyone for birthday meals e.g. 21 year old given money by parents tp pay for 21st meal for her and friends - are really examples of people still being treated like children. This is what I would do with my teenagers. Absolutely fine, but it is not how adults normally behave.

For adults not given money by parents or being subsidised by parents, adults pay for themselves. This is because unless you are very wealthy, everyone recognises that paying for everyone can be very expensive.

Don't go if you can't afford it.
Why did you eat more than you usually would? was it because you thought they were paying? lesson learnt!!

I often find that because I'm a vegetarian the veggie meals are often quite cheaper than other main courses. (round where I live anyway)
So straight away I am often at a disadvantage when it comes to the add up and divide equal rule. I do prefer it though.
My way of thinking is that, say my meal comes to £14 and we work out how much everyone is paying and someone may make the call that we all put 20 quid in. To me that covers the cost of a tip and it has cost me £20 for an eveing out with my friends.

One time we went out (fairly recently, since Christmas) one of the newcomers to our group said at the last minute she wanted to pay her own way once we had worked out that everyone was paying £13.00. HUge sighs by some people followed but someone sat down and worked out how much she owed. It was £15.75. She then tried to back track and said ' no, it's fine, we can stick to £13 if you want' There was no way some of the more outspoken members of the group would let her get away with that!!

I am too old to care either way these days!!!!

Tricky but I think that you shouldn't expect people to pay if you are 'hosting' a birthday party in a restaurant. We have done this over the years, and always paid for the party, but made it clear at the beginning that it was our treat.

Incidentally when we take out parents/ILs we pay too. Both sets are retired and we wouldn't dream of them paying for us. They are all quite happy with the arrangement.

Tricky but I think that you shouldn't expect people to pay if you are 'hosting' a birthday party in a restaurant.

I find this utter madness. I have never come across this expecting the birthday person to cover costs. Like I said in an earlier post- birthdays aren't for the rich. Do we have to be friendless on our birthdays unless we can pay for them? Half my friends are laoded and me, with a DH and 2 kids are far from it. Why should I give thema free ride that would use up much needed bill/mortgage money when my loaded friends wouldn't even notice the cost from their overflowing bank accounts?

It's more like "I am going to the White Hart for a birthday lunch, do you fancy coming too?"

This does not translate as "please allow me to pay for you all since I had the brass neck to choose the venue and force you to attend"

It depends on the general circumstances of the people involved. If it's not obvious that the people organising the gathering would comfortably be in a position to pay for everyone I would at least budget to pay your share and would definitely offer. That's just common courtesy if it hasn't been spelled out.

Certainly I wouldn't take it for granted that one person would be paying.

Manatee- exactly. I agree.

Hmmm a bit divided on this !

I think general birthday get together /lunch with friends - pay for yourself.

Invite to a special get together 40/50th birthday etc in a posh restaurant think its cheeky to invite people and expect them to pay although I would always be prepared iyswim.

The other issue in this kind of scenario is the "dividing the bill up equally" aspect. Now I am old older and have a bit more disposable income I am happy to do that but I can remember one occasion in my early 20s when I had virtually no money and a friend was having a birthday dinner at a restaurant. I wanted to go to see the friend so I had only a starter and drank only tap water. Then others who had had three courses and drunk wine, beer etc. started saying "let's just split the bill equally, hey?" and I almost hyperventilated (I did stick to my guns and just paid for what I had had, plus service (I didn't really have any other option as I literally had no more money than that) but some people tutted and tried to make me feel as though I was being seriously petty and stingy).

YABVU

If it was your birthday and you went to the pub for drinks would you foot the bill for everyones drinks?

Tmesis That is why I now usually stand up and say to a group if you want to pay your own, that's fine but order seperatley and get your own bill.

The huge majority of my group want the add it up and divide option and not really arsed how much it comes to. ( we are only talking pub prices or pizza hut type venues)

Someone has only wanted to pay their own way twice in the last two and a half years (the second time was in my last post). Both times it has happened the friends were new to the group.
I don't know why I didn't give my speach the other week, I think I am so used to people just splitting.

I'd expect to split the bill (or pay my share) if I went out to dinner for someone's birthday. Wouldn't even occur to me that they would be paying for the whole group, especially if it was 20 people!

£70 per person does seem quite a lot to me, maybe that's why people looked surprised?

If you couldn't afford to go, you should have declined, or explained the situation to your PIL if you felt you could. They might have offered to pay for you if they knew it was going to be a struggle.

For a birthday/hen dinner type situation, I'd expect the birthday/hen person not to pay anything and everyone else present to divvy up the bill. But that's friends, not family, so maybe it's different. The only family one I can remember attending was a big birthday of my DP's mum's. His dad paid for everyone, but it was made clear in advance that he was going to. I think the only way to be sure is to find out arrangements in advance, even if it's a bit embarrassing.

Wow, I would always expect to pay, and in most cases cover the bill of the person whose birthday it was (whether 21st or 50th). If I couldn't afford to do this I would decline the invitation.

I would never go somewhere and think 'oooh I hope they pay for me'

re: the splitting of the bill if you haven't had wine and everyone else has, you just have to be ballsy and say 'can we split food and wine bills separately as I didn't drink', or just suck it up (which is what I would do)

I always think if you are generous in these situations it will eventually balance itself out

I always think if you are generous in these situations it will eventually balance itself out

me too. I have relaxed as I have got older about money and now have the attitude if I can afford it go and if not, don't (unless it was somehthing really special that can't be repeated) I think when I was young I was more uptight and I can remember thinking I only had such and such a thing but I am paying the same as someone who had something more expensive.
Definatatly not worth stressing about if you are with your friends.

I can't be arsed watching what everyone is eating and thinking well they had fillet steak and I had veggie lasagne.

Either go with the attitude to enjoy it or don't bother.

Like I said up thread we have found what works best (both on friends and family do's) is buy your own drinks from the bar and split the rest.