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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who should pay for birthday meals??

125 replies

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:29

We went to my MIL 50th birthday at a fancy (ish) restaurant. I really thought PIL would be paying so was surprised when people started divy-ing up at end of meal. Some others were quite obviously surprised as well from the looks on their faces.
There were about 20 people there and all close family (plus children, partners).
We ended up having to put in £70 which was probably a bit more than we ate but dp just asked how much and MIL said £70.
I am not working at moment (small child to look after) and £70 is a lot of money to us. Even if we'd known in advance we'd be paying it would have been very hard for us to get out of it and it is MIL.
I just feel a bit fed up about it especially as we were basically coerved into starters and deserts when usually we'd just go straight to mains and share a starter.
What do others think about this?? Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??
Also just before xmas a mummy friend had a birthday and invited me and dc and some others for lunch at a restaurant. I had no excuse not to go so went. Again the bill was divided up and I lost out a bit as I didn't drink any wine. I was kinda hoping she'd pay. Usually I wouldn't eat out lunch mid-week and if I did I would go somewhere I could use a voucher. That cost me £25 just for me. I guess in future I should refuse - but it's hard to know how as saying it's on cost grounds a bit embarrassing.
Would be grateful for people's views.

OP posts:
SetFiretotheRain · 29/01/2012 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/01/2012 18:22

Jajas LOL @ sneakily paying the bill.
My dad does this, sometimes sneaks off to the loo and settles the bill before he gets back to the table.

I think IMO whoever invites you takes responsibilty unless it's a casual or work group, but usually it balances out.

A work do, or leaving would be "Who fancies a meal" and it's each pays their own.

My parents had their Golden W.A, my brother and sister and myself organised and booked it all.
DG and I (with our 2 DC) booked the hotel, we paid for our room and my parents. (Bill settled when we arrived, so it was ok)
Brother,sister and my aunt took care of the meals for 2 nights of stay.
My sister had the biggest expense with her travelling (lives other side of the world) my dad slipped me some 'petrol money' and the DCs were completely spoiled with money from all quarters.

Worked out fine, all decided in advance.

It's like if I take a friend of DC to pictures I would play, unless their parent was there, when we'd sort our own DC.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/01/2012 18:22

DH and I not DG

scarletfingernail · 29/01/2012 18:23

I always expect to pay my share, you can't go wrong then. If that meant I couldn't afford to go then I'd say I can't afford to go. You will either be told "oh well that's a shame, but I understand" or "oh well that's a shame, I don't think it's expensive, I'd really like it if you could come" or "don't worry, it's my treat". All of which you have the final say in whether you go or not anyway.

Occasionally we've been out for small family meals that have been paid for by a family member and occasionally we've been out for small family meals where we've paid for everyone. I don't think any of us have ever gone with the assumption we wouldn't be paying for ourselves though.

I frequently meet up with friends where food or drink is involved. It wouldn't occur to me for 1 second that whoever suggested it should foot the bill for everyone. What you've described about your friends 21st sounds as though it was her version of a 21st birthday party and instead of her parents paying for the party she chose to have a meal out with the money instead. That's a bit of a different situation, and she wasn't paying for it herself.

YouOldSlag · 29/01/2012 18:28

YABU. When you are invited to a meal, you accept and assume are paying for what you eat and drink. If you can't afford it, you make a polite excuse.

It is rude to assume the person asking is picking up your bill.

If someone asks you to go for a drink do you let them buy all the drinks or do you assume they just like your company and would like you to join them?

tulipgrower · 29/01/2012 18:28

(I'm in Germany) "you are invited to my birthday" = host pays (often not a la carte, or at least the wines are set), "let's get together for my birthday" = guest pays, everyone pays their own share, bill is rarely just split per head. For me it would depend how the arrangement was worded.

titan · 29/01/2012 18:28

My experience is that a casual, local, weekday birthday lunch with mummies and babies, everyone pays their way. If it's more formal, like a family 50th or if friends have been invited to travel to a restaurant near the birthday person, then it is more like the birthday person is hosting and they would usually pay. Usually people wouldn't state upfront whether or not they are paying but that's what tends to happen. However I would always be prepared to split the bill in any case.

theonewiththenoisychild · 29/01/2012 18:30

I can see why you'd think it was free tho as if it was meant as a party invite you'd expect it to be paid for its a bit like a wedding reception with a sit down meal you don't usually pay for your meal then do you? I missed my dads 60th because i didn't have money for a fancy meal out if it wasn't a surprise for my dad and he knew i would miss out he would have slipped me the cash so i wasn't embarrassed as he is well off

ll31 · 29/01/2012 18:33

can't see why you actually thought in both of those cases that you wouldn't be paying yourself - also can't see why, esp if money is tight, that you didn't check

YouOldSlag · 29/01/2012 18:37

If the person inviting had to pay every time they invited anyone, nobody would go out at all. I often arrange a pub lunch for family- they know they are paying for themselves.

If it's my birthday, I would expect people to pay for themselves, and not even pay for me as it would seem cheeky to invite people then accept them paying for your food.

Weddings, christenings- you don't pay.

Birthdays, drinks, work dos, just fancy having lunch out- pay for yourself!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/01/2012 18:40

Alot depends on your relationship with the person who's hosting I suppose.
If they had a meal in their house, then they'd buy all the food/catering but I'd assume the guests would bring wine to the meal.If they decide they don't want to/can't host at home then it's still an invitation.

I know alot of people who'd be offended if their guests tried to pay, but I's always have money to pay on me.

tulipgrower · 29/01/2012 18:40

Mind you, if the host invites + pays, they also get a very decent present, so if money was tight, that may already be a reason to decline. Were you given the impression, when invited, that they would pay? Do they usually pay?

YouOldSlag · 29/01/2012 18:44

I know alot of people who'd be offended if their guests tried to pay, but I's always have money to pay on me.

Genuine question, why would they be offended? in my circles, I would be offended if I organised a lunch and everyone expected me to pay for them. You shouldn't have to be loaded to have a birthday meal out! Just pay for yourself and invite other people to come too.

TeamEdward · 29/01/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squeegle · 29/01/2012 18:49

If my parents invited us out to celebrate a birthday they would pay - similarly if I invited them I would expect to pay - I think that's normal for family isn't it? I think it's a bit unfair actually for the MIL to book a fancyish place, she must have known that OP doesn't have much money - would be better if everyone is paying for themselves to pick a cheaper venue. If I went with a friend on their birthday - of course I would expect to pay for myself - that's the convention isn't it? If I didn't have any money then I wouldn't go - that friend doesn't sound v nice anyway does she, spending the whole meal whining about someone who didn't come along!

winterland · 29/01/2012 19:01

I would have expected to pay for myself, plus chip in for the birthday persons meal. You cant expect someone to foot the bill for 20 people!

DeWe · 29/01/2012 19:28

I'd have been the other way. I'd assume we'd pay for ourselves and a little bit over so we could pay for the birthday person (and possibly partner too) as well.

The bit you sound grabby is when you say you wouldn't usually have a starter or desert, but seems to think it was okay as they were paying.

lurkerspeaks · 29/01/2012 19:37

I don't understand why you thought your friend would pay for her birthday lunch. Amongst friends the most common convention is to split the bill and amongst my friends anyway try to negotiate the bill so that they birthday person doesn't pay anything. This can, as you've acknowledged by politically tricky as the split the bill/ pay for what you eat brigade come out to play.

Amongst families I think it is variable. My family en masse rarely eat out - until recently for landmark birthdays we would have had a family meal at someones house and they would have cooked, hosted and bought the food. Recently for similar events we have gone out and the family hosting (e.g. my Aunts 60th - her husband paid) have picked up the bill but other family members have helped out eg. I surreptitiously paid the drinks bill.

I actually think the word here is 'hosting'. Family events tend to have a host whereas for friends and informal family meals bill splitting is entirely appropriate.

NinkyNonker · 29/01/2012 19:40

YABU. We invited people out for my 30th, everyone paid for their own. We let them know in advance what the cost was. My parents would pay if the 4 of us went out for a meal,k but not £700 quidsworth FFS!

I think YABU ion both your MIL, and your friend's instance. In fact, I would expect any bill splitting to cover the birthday person's quota as well.

Wittsend13 · 29/01/2012 19:44

I would always expect to pay for myself and if someone was kind enough to pay then it's a lovely bonus. Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect to pay for a child at a childs birthday party but an adult, at an adults party I would.

MeltedChocolate · 29/01/2012 19:55

If your MIL is only 50 I expect you are young and so are probably used to family still paying for you and friend's parents paying for their birthdays things.

Looks like you are too old for that now. Consider it a lesson to always be sure of arrangements and move on :)

foreverondiet · 29/01/2012 20:16

YAB a little U.

I always assume I'll be paying for my own meal. Always. That way if someone else pays then its a bonus.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2012 20:34

I'd expect to pay for myself. If the finances might be an issue I'd check the arrangements first. Usually when I go out for birthdays in a group like this we divide the bill and the birthday person doesn't pay.

RachyRach30 · 29/01/2012 20:47

Hi,

If it was mil birthday and her 50 th shouldn't your husband want to pay for his mum for her 50th. If they are wealthy then fair enough the pil might want to pay, if they aren't then you should pay plus give money for your mil too. Everyone should chip in for her.

As for your friends birthday, I would never expect them to pay if they invited me out for lunch , I would pay for myself plus chip in with the others and pay for the friend for her birthday - you sound like a bit of a freeloader tbh. You probably only went because you thought you would get a free by .

Not all parents are wealthy so just because it is the way your family do it doesn't make that the way less wealthy people do it and even wealthy ones would not always pay, it depends if they are generous. You should not assume that people will just pay because they invite you out for a meal. If it was to a birthday party at a venue and a buffet on then I would assume they would pay for the buffet.

skybluepearl · 29/01/2012 21:04

with both relatives and friends I'd expect to pay my share. if i was worried about cost, I'd mention it before hand and request to eat and pay for my main and drink only - and not have a starter/pud.

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