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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who should pay for birthday meals??

125 replies

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:29

We went to my MIL 50th birthday at a fancy (ish) restaurant. I really thought PIL would be paying so was surprised when people started divy-ing up at end of meal. Some others were quite obviously surprised as well from the looks on their faces.
There were about 20 people there and all close family (plus children, partners).
We ended up having to put in £70 which was probably a bit more than we ate but dp just asked how much and MIL said £70.
I am not working at moment (small child to look after) and £70 is a lot of money to us. Even if we'd known in advance we'd be paying it would have been very hard for us to get out of it and it is MIL.
I just feel a bit fed up about it especially as we were basically coerved into starters and deserts when usually we'd just go straight to mains and share a starter.
What do others think about this?? Is is reasonable to invite people then expect them to pay up??
Also just before xmas a mummy friend had a birthday and invited me and dc and some others for lunch at a restaurant. I had no excuse not to go so went. Again the bill was divided up and I lost out a bit as I didn't drink any wine. I was kinda hoping she'd pay. Usually I wouldn't eat out lunch mid-week and if I did I would go somewhere I could use a voucher. That cost me £25 just for me. I guess in future I should refuse - but it's hard to know how as saying it's on cost grounds a bit embarrassing.
Would be grateful for people's views.

OP posts:

bemybebe · 29/01/2012 17:44

If I am invited to a restaurant (especially if it is a birthday party with large number of people), I would always either silently expect to pay my/our share or ask the person who invites what the arrangements are, so I can bail out.

I would certainly not expect that a 700£ bill will be picked up by the birthday person, but would be very grateful if they do.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/01/2012 17:44

Don't worry tigger - maths is not my strongest subject either

As I said my in-laws would definitely have paid but they're very generous. We also take them out and pay sometimes - we normally say 'we'd like to take you out' and to me that wording clearly indicates whose paying.

devonhorns · 29/01/2012 17:45

I always go and expect to pay a share and then it's a nice surprise if you don't have too

Yes it is expensive to dine out and you simply have to make a choice of to go or not. It maybe that you MIL's restaurant bill was more and they subsidised it, before splitting it. You don't know what the final bill was, only what you were asked to put into the pot.

Tip for the future, say "we'd love to come, but not sure if I can afford it this month" then you'd get a reply like... "Oh it will be about £30 per person", or "dont worry it's my treat". That way you'll know.

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:48

Maybe it's just because my parents would always pay if they invited people (or else, more usually entertain people in their home). It just worked out incredibly expensive for us then.
We sent flowers on the day and agreed in principle to the meal in advance. MIL didn't even decide where it would be till during the week so we had no real idea of expense till a few days ago.
We didn't deliberated eat/drink more because we thought they we paying (in fact a just had a soft drink each when everyone else had wine) - we just ended up having starters / deserts becuase whe we suggested just going to mains the fil just said "everyones having starters" so we just went along with it.

OP posts:

MeltedChocolate · 29/01/2012 17:48

YABVU to expectba friend to pay. I don't understand that at all. Family is different and depends on your family. You're dp should have known what the family were like. Also shocked you would order more if you thought you weren't paying. Very grabby. Yuck.

exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 17:49

I would just assume that we were paying and then anything else is a nice surprise.
Having said that I would expect some indication first e.g. if we were all paying have a discussion about where we went or if they were paying 'we would like to treat you to a meal' type thing.

TidyDancer · 29/01/2012 17:49

You should never expect anyone to pay for you. If the arrangements are not explicit before, you either ask, or you go prepared to pay for your own meal. It does come off very entitled to think your friend would pay for lunch just for organising it, that's the surprising part to me.

Original poster

tiggerflies · 29/01/2012 17:49

Also plenty of my friends have paid for meals out for their birthdays - just had very small groups - one of my friends even did it for her 21st at uni - her parents gave her the money for a party and she took around 20 people out to a pizza/pasta place.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 29/01/2012 17:51

You must have some well off friends. None of my friends would have paid for all of us. The only time I would expect to be fed for nothing would be at a wedding or a properly organised party in a function room or someone's house.

SetFiretotheRain · 29/01/2012 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nagynolonger · 29/01/2012 17:54

If we were going out for a meal I would expect to pay. If I were invited to a party....that would be free.

Jajas · 29/01/2012 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality · 29/01/2012 17:57

meltedchocolate - the OP said they were nagged to order more than they normally would - how is that her fault?

I think the rules should be set out before but would never expect a friend to pay.

LondonMumsie · 29/01/2012 17:59

I think people need to be clear. When we had DH's party we intended there to be a cash bar but were providing nibbles and some hot food. We made it super-clear, as people could then decide what to do - which might include staying home!

Had my birthday recently and we went out with some friends. We paid, as we realised en route we had been unclear so didn't want to put anyone out. They were amazed, actually.

My mother's rule is if you INVITE them (e.g. "can I take you out"), you pay. If you plan to get together (e.g. "would you like to meet up, shall we meet for lunch, etc) then it is shared.

perceptionreality · 29/01/2012 17:59

I hate eating out in groups because I only eat a small main course, never starter or pudding and always end up paying for others and their wine.

jasperJohns · 29/01/2012 18:03

This has made me think.

If it's parents or in-laws we wouldn't even think of paying and it would just be embarrassing if anyone tried. But friends or same age family - we'll split the bill automatically.

perceptionreality · 29/01/2012 18:06

I agree with what someone said earlier - if a party or at a house or a wedding assume it's paid for otherwise everyone splits.

tardisjumper · 29/01/2012 18:07

I would expect to pay but it is an odd assumption isn't it?

If they had thrown on a meal at home then they would have paid, but they invited you to a retaurant and though you have the same level of obligation to go you also have to pay!

I am always surprised at threads on here about brides and bridesmaids who book really expensive hen dos, and then expect to recieve thanks for the effort even though others are expected to pay.

toutlemonde · 29/01/2012 18:08

Even if the arrangement with your friends or your family is that the person doing the inviting does the paying, its the same as a round of drinks in a pub - it will be your turn to reciprocate and pay for everyone else at some point, so if you can't afford to ever do that, you shouldn't accept others paying for you.

I thought the best arrangement with birthday meals was everyone pay for their own and split the cost of the birthday person's between all the rest, so they are the one that gets treated to a meal.

If you're skint you should go along for just a drink afterwards or make your excuses if its a friend. If its family and you have to go, I guess choose the cheapest stuff and just pay for what you have...

Flisspaps · 29/01/2012 18:09

I'd expect to pay for myself.

theonewiththenoisychild · 29/01/2012 18:09

YABU to just expect someone else to pay just because they invited you not the other way round but YANBU to be a little annoyed to haveto pay up £70 for a meal

I agree with other posters make enquiries beforehand next time and if you cant afford it dont go. I wouldnt be ashamed to say i cant go because of cost because not everyone can afford to pay £70 on a meal £70 can get a lot better things than a meal

PocPoc · 29/01/2012 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 18:13

YABU on both occasions.

Your parents/friends must be particularly generous, but I wouldn't say it was normal. If anything, ime other people chip in extra to cover the birthday persons meal.

HintofBream · 29/01/2012 18:14

Surely the convention is, if the hosts intend to pay, they say "We are going for a meal at so-and-so, please be our guests". If they expect you to chip in, they should say "We are going to eat at XXX and we would love it if you can join us".

lisad123 · 29/01/2012 18:16

Sorry I always assume we are paying for us! If I can't afford it, I say so.

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