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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a spiteful cow or would this piss you off too?

227 replies

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 20:39

I know this seems unkind but I really need a rant about my friend.

My friend was in a 'friends with benefits' relationship with a single man and as a result she had an unplanned pregnancy. He did not want her to have the child and said if she did he would not want to have anything to do with it. She wanted to have the baby so they agreed that he would not have to see the child or support it financially.

When the child was born, my friend claimed the benefits she was entitled to as a single mother. She put on the forms that she did not know who the father was.

Two years later she had another child with the same man, under the same circumstances. They have never lived together or even dated. She now lives off benefits whilst she raises two children. She has had part time jobs over the years to supplement her income but usually gives them up after a few months.

When I think about this it really pisses me off that I am paying to feed and clothe this man's children. I don't see why I should just because they 'came to a private agreeement over finances'.

He still lives in the same town and although they don't see each other anymore, she hears all about what he's up to and he seems to have plenty of spare cash - (lovely house, expensive car, holiday 3 times a year, etc.)

Sometimes I get the urge to anonymously grass on her but that would be a really nasty thing to do. Or would it?

OP posts:
awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:28

Just read she has depression so gets signed off from jobs. FGS she is fucking ill. Angry

SecretMinceRinser · 24/01/2012 22:31

I think you need to edit your first post op - you are NOT this womans friend in any sense of the word.

SpikeInTheBasement · 24/01/2012 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 24/01/2012 22:37

And yes, I think Heswall is right.

Which is why this sort of thing does annoy me. I've been a single parent and was treated like shit a lot of the time. I know single parents who've never claimed a day's benefit in their lives and some who've used benefits as a safety net until they were able to get into work/studying (that's the group I was in) and I've also known single parents who have made a career of having children that the state supports and are quite candid about the fact they never intend to work and will keep having babies until they've been out of work for so long that no one will ever employ them and that way 'they'll' have to keep paying them benefits.

And yes, it is the latter and the woman like the OP's friend, who give all the other single parents a bad name.

NonnoMum · 24/01/2012 22:39

You've got to feel so incredibly sorry for her that she chooses to give her children such poor role models for parents.

SecretMinceRinser · 24/01/2012 22:39

I know how awful for her to be provided with the means to support her children when she is too unwell to work Hmm

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 22:41

If she was snyone but a single patent then she would be getting sympathy for having a mental illness! but no, not this one!!

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 22:41
  • parent
SpikeInTheBasement · 24/01/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrownUp2012 · 24/01/2012 22:41

Not putting the father's name on the birth certificate is morally corrupt?

My thinking is that if the father wants to be known, he could go through the legal process of having his name added and getting parental responsibility, that they show by abandoning during the pregnancy that they are unreliable and not interested in being a father, and that not including them does not stop them from having their name there, it just puts the ball in their court.

Not taking responsibility for your child is morally corrupt.

HappyMummyOfOne · 24/01/2012 22:46

Whilst your slating him for not paying, neither is she and she is the one who chose to bring them into the world.

I'm not sure i'd want to remain friends with such a poor role model.

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 22:47

Well she does usually get signed off in time for the school summer holidays, so I'm thinking that's a bit of a coincidence. I don't think all her sickness is genuine, I think that she fakes it when she doesn't have childcare. She stays signed off then for as long as she can then gets another job and it starts all over again.

OP posts:
awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:48

You are such a site friend.

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 22:48

What's she not paying happymummyofone?

Did you miss the 'working' bit???

awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:48

shite

Hullygully · 24/01/2012 22:48

oh fuck off

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 22:49

So you're a doctor now are you?

Bitchy, nasty and you call yourself a friend?

awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:50

Hully was that to me? Shock

Hullygully · 24/01/2012 22:51

No, soz! Was to the OP

yellowraincoat · 24/01/2012 22:51

People seem to be particularly able to spot fake mental health problems without any medical training, don't they?

It's a bloody wonder anyone bothers doing all that university bollocks.

Send them all to a workhouse as seems to be the popular option on MN these days.

awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:52

Sorry Hully Grin I'm with you.

SecretMinceRinser · 24/01/2012 22:53

I think you'll find that most doctors would be wise to any scam you think she's running. Particularly when it follows the pattern you describe. And why would she need childcare if her kids are teens?

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 22:54

I just don't understand how the system works. I thought people pay tax, in part, to help others who need it. I did not realise that grown adults could have children without any means to pay for them, or just decide not to pay for them. No wonder there's not enough to go round. If I understand correctly, I could go out tomorrow and claim benefits.

I have no problem with people who genuinely need help.

OP posts:
awomenscorned · 24/01/2012 22:54

You know op, life is complicated.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 24/01/2012 22:55

Spike - how terrible You should be mortified I tell ya, mortified...

Some people live lives that are less than ideal - this woman wanted children, she chose to have them with someone she was seeing but who didn't want to have children - how is this any different than someone who used a sperm donor? or who had them with a guy that was bound to piss off at some stage? or adopted them as a single parent? Not every woman has the ideal marriage & ideal situation to have a family. Get over it.