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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a spiteful cow or would this piss you off too?

227 replies

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 20:39

I know this seems unkind but I really need a rant about my friend.

My friend was in a 'friends with benefits' relationship with a single man and as a result she had an unplanned pregnancy. He did not want her to have the child and said if she did he would not want to have anything to do with it. She wanted to have the baby so they agreed that he would not have to see the child or support it financially.

When the child was born, my friend claimed the benefits she was entitled to as a single mother. She put on the forms that she did not know who the father was.

Two years later she had another child with the same man, under the same circumstances. They have never lived together or even dated. She now lives off benefits whilst she raises two children. She has had part time jobs over the years to supplement her income but usually gives them up after a few months.

When I think about this it really pisses me off that I am paying to feed and clothe this man's children. I don't see why I should just because they 'came to a private agreeement over finances'.

He still lives in the same town and although they don't see each other anymore, she hears all about what he's up to and he seems to have plenty of spare cash - (lovely house, expensive car, holiday 3 times a year, etc.)

Sometimes I get the urge to anonymously grass on her but that would be a really nasty thing to do. Or would it?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 24/01/2012 20:56

In your opinion.

Sidalee7 · 24/01/2012 20:56

And yes, you do sound very spiteful.

Raising 2 children as a lone parent is bloody hard work, and I don't have money worries as ex-h does pay proper maintenance. Give her a break ffs!

PattiMayor · 24/01/2012 20:57

Illegal how exactly squeaky? Are you going to force women to name the fathers at gunpoint?

Christ, this is a just another fucking benefit bashing thread isn't it? Jesus christ - there are about fifteen already

yellowraincoat · 24/01/2012 20:58

Yeah, it's not fair HE doesn't pay anything. So why are you pissed off at her?

Some people really do need to find a hobby and not be so over-involved.

Sidalee7 · 24/01/2012 20:59

And why should not naming the father be any one elses business? Its not like shes profiting from not naming him?!

ladyfirenze · 24/01/2012 20:59

if you mean 'grass' her to the csa for lying about not knowing who the father is then yes I think yabu. Why would you do this to a friend. Surely you need to reasses whether or not you want to continue as her friend, and maybe have an honest conversation with her about how you really feel.

I also think you are being very judgy about her single parentness and crossing streams with her being on benefits. Not all of us single mothers are on benefits y'know. Some of us run our own businesses. And have regular daddy contact for our kids too. I think you'd be dumping a heap of shit on someone, who's life sounds quite difficult enough already.

NinkyNonker · 24/01/2012 21:02

Does it make a difference if you name the father?

therehastobemore · 24/01/2012 21:03

To be honest, fuck the benefits - what about the fact that this woman is having children with someone she doesn't actually have a relationship with. She is either amoral or totally desperate.

She knows who the father is, they are both responsible, end of story. I'm not sure id want to be her friend.

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 21:04

I suppose what really pisses me off is that the man can afford to pay for his children and he doesn't because they agree that. Without really thinking about how their children are going to be provided for. And to do it not just once, but twice.

If my dp decided he wasn't going to pay for his kids, I would have to go looking for benefits too. Surely they are there for people who genuinely need them, not those who decide to not provide for their kids.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 24/01/2012 21:04

God, yes, therehastobemore, imagine having a child out of wedlock, how simply disgusting. It makes me want to throw up a bit.

TwoIfBySea · 24/01/2012 21:06

Crikey, friends with benefits or sperm donor?

therehastobemore · 24/01/2012 21:08

Really yellowraincoat both of my children were born out of wedlock, to two different fathers - but neither to a regular fuck buddy ffs, that is why we have CONTRACEPTION. My first child was down to contraception failure when i was 19, but you know, you can kind of forgive one mistake, and even bad luck where women get fucked over by more than one man - but to continue having sex with someone who has turned their back on their own child - amoral or stupid.

Hassled · 24/01/2012 21:09

Your problem isn't really about the fact she's on benefits, though, is it - your problem is how a man can walk away from his responsibilities and how your friend can agree with it. And that doesn't make you a spiteful cow - I don't begin to understand how a parent can do that either.

AmberLeaf · 24/01/2012 21:09

Or maybe she actually does want a relationship with him [like a proper one] and shes just accepting whatever crumbs he throws at her?

Maybe she is saying the story of it being a mutual decision because she feels pathetic telling the truth?

Considering how judgy you sound if thats the case I wouldnt be surprised thats what shes told you.

troisgarcons · 24/01/2012 21:10

She put on the forms that she did not know who the father was.

Correct me if I'm wrong - the man has to accompany the woman to the registrar to have his name put in the fathers space if they are not married. I don;t think thats changed otherwise I could have put down Prince Charles/Richard Branson/Trevor McDonald or some such.

The fathers name space is left blank.

So shes not saying she doesnt know who the father is at all. The father chooses not to accompany her.

therehastobemore · 24/01/2012 21:11

i am not being moralistic - by all means have a fuck buddy, great fun - but make bloody sure you dont get pregnant!!

giggly · 24/01/2012 21:13

see the benefits bit doesnt concern me but wtf is she going to tel her dc about their father, I shagged a friend to get pregnant?

AmberLeaf · 24/01/2012 21:13

Trois

I think the OP meant benefit forms?

therehastobemore · 24/01/2012 21:13

I think you are right triosgarcons. With my first DD the space was left blank, with my second child my DP had to accompany me to the registry office to a) get his name on the form and b) get parental responsibility

mojitomania · 24/01/2012 21:13

I think it's a bit sad that she got pregnant twice with a bloke that doesn't seem to give a shit.

And yes, the man should be made to help support his off-spring.

Poor kids Sad

therehastobemore · 24/01/2012 21:13

i totally agree with Giggly.

KatieScarlett2833 · 24/01/2012 21:14

You are not asked on benefit forms any more

As it is irrelevent

squeakytoy · 24/01/2012 21:14

As someone who had a birth certificate with "father unknown" on it, when my birth mother knew exactly who he was.... I know damn well how shit that feels to be that child.

If you are going to have a child with someone, at least have the decency to find out their fucking name.. in fact, if you have a child with someone at least try to be in a relationship with them first.

AmberLeaf · 24/01/2012 21:17

She obviously does know his name squeakytoy.

She does have a relationship with him its just not a conventional one.

SecretMinceRinser · 24/01/2012 21:18

Aside from the financial side the guy must be one cold fucker to know he has fathered 2 children to a woman he's shagging, still be seeing her and not even want to so much as meet his own kids. I know it happens a lot but I can't understand it.

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