Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a spiteful cow or would this piss you off too?

227 replies

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 20:39

I know this seems unkind but I really need a rant about my friend.

My friend was in a 'friends with benefits' relationship with a single man and as a result she had an unplanned pregnancy. He did not want her to have the child and said if she did he would not want to have anything to do with it. She wanted to have the baby so they agreed that he would not have to see the child or support it financially.

When the child was born, my friend claimed the benefits she was entitled to as a single mother. She put on the forms that she did not know who the father was.

Two years later she had another child with the same man, under the same circumstances. They have never lived together or even dated. She now lives off benefits whilst she raises two children. She has had part time jobs over the years to supplement her income but usually gives them up after a few months.

When I think about this it really pisses me off that I am paying to feed and clothe this man's children. I don't see why I should just because they 'came to a private agreeement over finances'.

He still lives in the same town and although they don't see each other anymore, she hears all about what he's up to and he seems to have plenty of spare cash - (lovely house, expensive car, holiday 3 times a year, etc.)

Sometimes I get the urge to anonymously grass on her but that would be a really nasty thing to do. Or would it?

OP posts:
AgnesBligg · 24/01/2012 23:54

You silly sod OP. Get over yerself.

Jux · 25/01/2012 01:24

You have absolutely no idea what really went on. You know what she has told you, which may be only what she wants people to know. How she conducts her private life is none of your business. If you're her friend, but you don't sound like it, then you'll take what she says at face value.

lisaro · 25/01/2012 01:40

I'd be just as pissed off at the feckless slapper friend.

brdgrl · 25/01/2012 01:45

Ridiculous. She's entitled to benefits and more to he point, so are the children.

She's also entitled to reproduce and to make 'unconventiona'l choices about her family planning.

The man in this case is essentially a sperm donor. What difference does it make that you know some details about his means and lifestyle?

FelicityWits · 25/01/2012 02:01

When I had DD 10 years ago, the maintenance from XP did count as income against income support! I'm sure it did - I was still able to get some, and qualified for HB, but I didn't get maintenance AND IS at the full rate.

Benefits were also docked if you didn't claim maintenance without 'good cause'.

Is it different now?

thecook · 25/01/2012 03:43

Opening post. You are one twisted person. I am currently on Job Seekers Allowance and I am desperately seeking work. I live in Maida Vale and have a mortgage. Last summer someone reported me to the Fraud Team at the DWP in Willesden. I suspect an old boyfriend of mine. They called me for an interview. I was told that they had received a report I was working as a prostitute. When I entered the interview room they had all my bank statements lined up. from when I first claimed benefits. They questioned every entry. One was for crockery (25 quid from Ikea) They asked for mortgage statements everything. Despite being innocent I got a solicitor. He milked the whole situation. I had a second interview with the uneducated bastards (sorry cannot do the scribble out thing yet) Yestersay I paid a cheque into my bank account from a house and contents claim. I then tried to buy a book for a mates birthday in Waterstones. My. card was declined. I Phoned up my bank and was told that I had to speak to the Fraud Office as my account wad suspicious

thecook · 25/01/2012 04:10

And please do not correct any grammar. I am typing this from my phone!

NinkyNonker · 25/01/2012 07:38

Thank fuck I don't know you, who needs friends like you eh!

Flamemenow · 25/01/2012 08:17

brdgrl she is entitled to reproduce, - even if she can't provide for the children? Well. I did not know that. Is that law then. Or human rights law or something?? I had no idea people could do that and claim benefits. I honestly thought they were there for people who needed them. I can't believe so many people on this thread think that it's ok to do that.

OP posts:
imaginethat · 25/01/2012 08:35

I think maybe you are assuming a lot of things that you don't know for sure and possibly making yourself unneccessarily upset.

You seem to assume her motives are all bad. But from what you say about her (two children with no strings boyf/fractured work history/off with depression/changing doctors) she sounds a bit unwell, possibly BPD which would make it very difficult for her to function any better. The fact that she counts someone like you - someone bitter and backstabby - as a friend, is telling of her low self esteem.

People are complex and what may seem shameful to some of us may actually be someone else's best effort. That is, her relationship with the children's father may in her eyes have been the closest thing to a proper relationship she'll ever have. That she settles for so little is sad.

If you feel very bothered by her, perhaps distance yourself so you can limit your distress.

GoingForGoalWeight · 25/01/2012 08:45
Dawndonna · 25/01/2012 08:54
hollie25 · 25/01/2012 09:20

As a benefit fraud investigator I would say I would say this ?man? has a legal and moral responsibility to pay for his children.

Even if the parent is getting JSA Tax Credits and income support the state is entitled to pursue this ?man? for maintincene ? admittedly this will not go to the parent with care as she is having her needs met by her benefits but it would go some way to offsetting the cost of those benefits to the tax payer. If this didn?t happened we would all be paying much more tax.

It is possible if you did report this it may be decided that it was not in the publics interest to pursues ? but she is breaking the law and taking tax payers money. If she is getting any money from this man she would need to declare it and here other benefits would be adjusted accordingly.

By saying she doesn?t know who the father is she is committing fraud? and don?t the kids have a right to know who their father is?

YANBU

therehastobemore · 25/01/2012 09:23

I think the best thing to do is organise a mumsnet lynch mob, drag this woman to the benefits office and public humiliate her until she squeals!

AmberLeaf · 25/01/2012 09:31

hollie25

Are you saying you currently work for the DWP?

Because you are wrong on several points, you should also know that if she has good reason she can ask that a CSA claim is not pursued.

You should know all of this of course.

tethersend · 25/01/2012 09:34

"brdgrl she is entitled to reproduce, - even if she can't provide for the children? Well. I did not know that. Is that law then. Or human rights law or something??"

Yes. Staggering as you may find it, it is one of those pesky human rights. Forced sterilisation is not an option. Sorry about that.

OldMumsy · 25/01/2012 09:36

OP I object as a tax payer to paying for his obligations so YADNBU.

kidd · 25/01/2012 09:37

As if life wasn't hard enough already now I find I'm supporting people like this!If ever there was a case for having everyone's dna on file this is it !!!!!! (No I'm not serious but if it were a done deal just how many people out there would act more responsibly?!

dreamingbohemian · 25/01/2012 09:38

OP do you get child benefit?

Because if so, that's MY tax dollars paying for you to raise YOUR children.

So as yabu and, yes, a spiteful cow, I'd like my money back please. Ta.

WinterIsComing · 25/01/2012 09:38

hollie her benefits would not be adjusted accordingly. Maintenance isn't taken into consideration any more and hasn't for quite a while.

Time for a spot of up-to-date training perhaps?

kidd · 25/01/2012 09:39

therehastobemore great idea and then in a year or so we can all pay compensation so we get to pay out twice!
Oh how I love MN.

hollie25 · 25/01/2012 09:41

Yes and previously with the CSA - I'm at the end of a 2 year career break after maternity leave. I know some of this has changed recently but before I left the above certainly applied and as the children are teenagers now he should have been paying something.

I know the DWP can be requested to not pursue non resident parents such claims for a good reason such as fear of violence ect but I can't see that wouldn't apply here?

MrsPotter · 25/01/2012 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

WinterIsComing · 25/01/2012 09:43

this is a fairly good summary hollie, and you are right wrt the children's ages.

BackToBligg · 25/01/2012 09:58

TBH I think OP's 'friend' has been jolly sensible. Not everybody is lucky enough to have a man in their life who wants children at the right time (biological clock and that). She had a choice of potentially being childless or being a single parent and she chose the latter. I would say Bravo to her and not be all mealy mouthed about it. You do sound horrid OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread